This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am
Still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years
Ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . .
Dear Diary:
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
Dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics Class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
while she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
tile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
Teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
Choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a
gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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