How to poop at work.

**JohnboyF** · 10-08-2006, 10:34 PM

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is

the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers, typically women, who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time
in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

**LawMan018** · 10-08-2006, 10:45 PM

Simply ingenious... I shall print out this knowledge and apply it to my everyday life.

**lightwaytbaby** · 10-08-2006, 10:56 PM

i just had an escapee reading this...LOL!

**chest6** · 10-08-2006, 10:59 PM

i have escapee's a lot

**bigron62** · 10-09-2006, 01:02 AM

funny as hell

***perfectbeast2001*** · 10-09-2006, 01:10 AM

reminds me of when I used to work in an office. Funny stuff.

**STYLE74** · 10-09-2006, 06:25 AM

LMAO @ this thread, this is great stuff and sooooo true!!! Good one Faizaka

**Venomous Nemisis** · 10-09-2006, 07:49 AM

<--------on the floor, laughing. Too funny

**taiboxa** · 10-09-2006, 08:24 AM

oldie but a goodie!

**Superhuman** · 10-09-2006, 08:52 AM

man, for some reason I can smell sh*t just by reading that... i feel like i'm gonna throw up! you know your nose is the closest sense tied to memory - your olfactory that is. Smells can easily bring back distant memories, and conversely memories can bring back smells

**GUnit33** · 10-09-2006, 09:36 AM

lmao...I pooped my pants at work after I read this haha

SVTMuscle* · 10-09-2006, 10:06 AM

I believe i'm a Out of the Closet pooer because whenever i'm comming out of the bathrooms on my hall, I'm always with a magizine and the soap with a relaxed looked on my face no matter who walks by haha

**DSM4Life** · 10-09-2006, 10:15 AM

People hate at work because i could care less. Bathroom time is me-time, and i take advantage of every min

**outofthebox** · 10-09-2006, 10:30 AM

my abs hurt now, that was too funny...havana omlette made me wanna gag tho

**cfiler** · 10-09-2006, 11:18 AM

Oldie but definately a goodie. It's so true when working in an office too!

**lightwaytbaby** · 10-09-2006, 09:55 PM

office, shit try working in an emergency room, the escapee's become alot more embarrassing! im camo-coughing and ASTAIREing that bitch all day...

**Smak** · 10-09-2006, 09:57 PM

This is some good, funny shit.

Definitely up there with "The Shit List".

**cj1capp** · 10-09-2006, 09:59 PM

Originally Posted by lightwaytbaby

office, shit try working in an emergency room, the escapee's become alot more embarrassing! im camo-coughing and ASTAIREing that bitch all day...

OK IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE PRIVATE. WELL JUST WANTED TO SAY HELLO.AND I AM SORRY ,I DID NOT MEAN TO HI-JACK THIS THREAD

**Johny-too-small** · 10-09-2006, 10:09 PM

Dont forget:

SKY DUMP: hold yourself up by your arms above the stall walls (like a seated iron cross). Lift your legs up and aim your hole at the water below. Bombs away. Huge splash if done correctly. Nothing wrong with missing either.

**InsaneInTheMembrane** · 10-09-2006, 10:24 PM

this is the funniest $hit i've read in a while...not to mention quite educational!

**big L 17** · 10-10-2006, 10:23 AM

funny thing after i read this not even 20mins later i go to the rest room somone was in there taking a poopie and it smelled soo bad i was going to die i guess they didnt think about a courtesy flush nasty

**lightwaytbaby** · 10-10-2006, 04:39 PM

Originally Posted by Johny-too-small

Dont forget:

SKY DUMP: hold yourself up by your arms above the stall walls (like a seated iron cross). Lift your legs up and aim your hole at the water below. Bombs away. Huge splash if done correctly. Nothing wrong with missing either.

this is a good one, but dont you hate it when the water splashes back up in your ass?that sucks haha