For those of you that have ever been in a relationship

[mavsluva]

I had the opportunity to counsel a young couple today and I walked away with something worth sharing in my opinion. If you've ever been in a relationship, or you're currently in a relationship, then I highly recommend you read my exert below.

Tina and Tim have been married for about 2 years now and are both 23 years of age. They dated each other back in high school and were very good friends prior to dating each other exclusively. The both of them, at the time, assumed that they were a bit young to be getting married at 21 years of age, but they had confidence in that their love for each other could allow them to mature individually and collectively. They approached me a few weekends ago at church because they're finding a lot of quarreling going on in their marriage. Tim states that they're usually on a different page with each other, if not in a different book entirely. So they wanted me to provide to them an unbiased opinion (and play referee if need be!).

The first thing that Tim tells me is that, "He's convinced that he'll never meet the expectations that Tina has for him. No matter how hard that he tries, or the sacrifices that he makes, it's just not good enough for her." Tina, of course, was quick to interject. Tina responded by saying, "If you (Tim) love me as much as you say that you do, then why do you make me hurt inside so much?". Tim, while taking a moment to build his response says, "I hurt you? Then why don't you tell me so?".

Does this sound familiar with any of you guys and gals out there? You see, with love comes expectations. Love is beyond the surface. We all too often get caught in what we see on the surface of love, rather than what we feel and need from love. Love is like an iceberg in that we get entirely too caught up in what we see above the water level. But what we fail to realize is that the foundation of the iceberg is so much greather than that of the tip of the iceberg. If we allow the foundation of our iceberg to dwindle away, then there's not much hope for the tips of our icebergs.

I shared this with Tina and Tim today and they were both in awe in how their love for one another has begun to dwindle away. It's not because they wanted it to, though. It's because the foundation of their love became the tip of their iceberg. It was susceptible to injury because they were not nourishing their foundation as loves requires it to be nourished. I was happy to see Tina and Tim talking about their foundations upon leaving my house today. I am quite confident that the tip of their iceberg will look as good as it once did once they repair the foundation of their iceberg. Or in their case, their love.

You can't always see what's best for you and your relationship by only addressing the surface. You sometimes, if not more often than not, may have to dig into your foundation to enable your eyes and ears to hear and see what's really going on. May all of you continue, or begin, nourishing your foundation so that your current or future love flourish whenever it's called upon.

Grace and Peace,
Mavsluva

[StoneGRMI]

Good post....as usual!

[UpstateTank]

great stuff mavs!

[*Narkissos*]

Wonderful post mavs... Glad to have you aboard

[SMAN12b]

Another good post !! Thanks

[moranitotongano]

I appreciate that...I'll definately apply those teachings to my own relationship.

[Foskamink]

great perspective, i just hope people really do understand and can relate and not just ride on everything you say.

[Foskamink]

great perspective, i just hope people really do understand and can relate and not just ride on everything you say.

by the way im not taking anything from you, but alot of people will give a good thumbs up to all your posts without relating or knowing the feeling of it and i myself feel the same when im speechless and all i can say is good post. breathtaking somtimes, good stuff.

[mavsluva]

by the way im not taking anything from you, but alot of people will give a good thumbs up to all your posts without relating or knowing the feeling of it

Honestly bro, I have no agendas here but to speak of positive words and intentions. I refuse to tax my mind and my emotions on what I cannot control. But, it will not keep me from relaying a good message.

[prncezzml]

Honestly bro, I have no agendas here but to speak of positive words and intentions. I refuse to tax my mind and my emotions on what I cannot control. But, it will not keep me from relaying a good message.

Mavs, just out of curiousity, what do you do for a living? Are you a counselor, spiritual advisor, generally just nice guy? You always seem to have very spiritual and well-put advice.

[mavsluva]

Mavs, just out of curiousity, what do you do for a living? Are you a counselor, spiritual advisor, generally just nice guy? You always seem to have very spiritual and well-put advice.

My primary career is an engineer.

I'm a youth minister at my church where I specialize in bible study and youth counseling. I teach Sunday school at my church and I drive a lot of the activity that takes place for the youth within my church community. I hope to one day continue my education by attending a ministry college when time (and money!) allows.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Foskamink]

Honestly bro, I have no agendas here but to speak of positive words and intentions. I refuse to tax my mind and my emotions on what I cannot control. But, it will not keep me from relaying a good message.

yeh mate thats the spirit, im really bad with words so often i can come across as offensive. what you say is real and respected and just somtimes hard for people to reply asif they understand and can relate cause left breathless. positive props to you if you understand what im trying to say about understanding and responding to your threads.

[prncezzml]

My primary career is an engineer.

I'm a youth minister at my church where I specialize in bible study and youth counseling. I teach Sunday school at my church and I drive a lot of the activity that takes place for the youth within my church community. I hope to one day continue my education by attending a ministry college when time (and money!) allows.

Thanks for your kind words.

Cool, sounds like you will make a good dad when you get your child

[Carlos_E]

Pretty words that don't say much. How does one nourish and repair a foundation of love? How did they allow their foundation of love to dwindle away? What was their foundation?

[mavsluva]

Pretty words that don't say much. How does one nourish and repair a foundation of love? How did they allow their foundation of love to dwindle away? What was their foundation?

Carlos, I write these things up knowing that one can interpret them in many different ways. It's not my job to prove anything to anyone. It's in my heart to share a good message in an attempt to open the hearts of others. Nothing more, nothing less.

How does one repair and nourish a foundation of love you ask? Well, it starts from the heart. They allowed their foundation (LOVE) to crumble because their hearts were losing the battle with their brains. They spent too much time focusing on what they didn't have individually, rather than what they had in each other. I can't get into any more detail because of the "religion" rule that has been established on this board, which is being heavily enforced by you. Ironically, your signature states the following:

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't loves heterosexuals. It's just they need more supervision."

I, personally, love people for who they are. Not their behavior. I wish you and your boyfriend the very best!

Mavsluva

[Carlos_E]

How does one repair and nourish a foundation of love you ask? Well, it starts from the heart. They allowed their foundation (LOVE) to crumble because their hearts were losing the battle with their brains. They spent too much time focusing on what they didn't have individually, rather than what they had in each other.

Now that makes sense. I read your post and wondered what kind of advice you're giving people. If a consuler told me your original post I'd walk out scratching my head.

I can't get into any more detail because of the "religion" rule that has been established on this board, which is being heavily enforced by you.

Back up. You mean heavily enforced by Brian and the admins. If you do not like the rule you should speak with Brain or the admins directly. If a rule is broken, yeah I'm going to enforce it.

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't loves heterosexuals. It's just they need more supervision."

I added that to my signature on purpose to prove a point.

I, personally, love people for who they are. Not their behavior. I wish you and your boyfriend the very best!

Being gay is not a behavior. I wish you and yours the best as well.

[mavsluva]

Nah, I'm not one that complains too often. I respect people and their rules like I should.

[beuleux]

That went right over my head... as usual LOL... load of old mush, if I repeated that to the boys Id be sent to coventry.

[Chemical King]

speaking from experience, if there aint a gud foundation then ur fukd from day 1. I was wif my ex for 5 yrs and wen i think back to it, the whole thing was based on goin out n getin trasd til our son came along. Then we had to sort our life out and it wasnt about me n her no more it wa about all 3 of us.

[goodcents]

That went right over my head... as usual LOL... load of old mush, if I repeated that to the boys Id be sent to coventry.

That wasn't very nice but to each their own

[beuleux]

That wasn't very nice but to each their own

Ok what do you think about the post... Mr deep and meaningful

[goodcents]

Ok what do you think about the post... Mr deep and meaningful

Confession time, with my ADD I can't even start to read it

[goodcents]

Ok what do you think about the post... Mr deep and meaningful

Me- That just struck me funny

[beuleux]

Confession time, with my ADD I can't even start to read it

Try... Id really value your input.

[beuleux]

Me- That just struck me funny

No matter how chauvanistic my attitude towards women is I am safe in the knowledge that yours is worse

[goodcents]

No matter how chauvanistic my attitude towards women is I am safe in the knowledge that yours is worse

It's almost like you know me I just respect Mav, but to tell you the truth, the thought of marriage just makes me shake all over I just got a chill then

[beuleux]

Spooky Huh!

[Carlos_E]

Ok what do you think about the post... Mr deep and meaningful

Confession time, with my ADD I can't even start to read it

I was looking for the meaning but it didn't make much sense to me. My take on it is different.

They were high school sweet hearts. There was never a foundation built in the first place. They were two horny kids looking to get laid and got married because their religion says no to premarital sex. That isn't much to build a relationship off of. They married young and never had time to grow as individuals. There for they'll most likely grow apart, not closer.

Also, people have needs. If she felt he is not fufilling them she should tell him what they are so he knows exactly what she's not getting from him. The same applies to him. A good relationship is based on communication and compromise. No two people are exactly alike. Both parties have to be willing to listen and compromise and give their partner what they need from the relationship.

I think that is clearer than talking about icebergs. Icebergs make me think of a sinking ships.

[Snrf]

I was looking for the meaning but it didn't make much sense to me. My take on it is different.

They were high school sweet hearts. There was never a foundation built in the first place. They were two horny kids looking to get laid and got married because their religion says no to premarital sex. That isn't much to build a relationship off of. They married young and never had time to grow as individuals. There for they'll most likely grow apart, not closer.

Yeah, cuz all young people are just horny kids

I know plenty of people that have built happy marriages (aged anywhere from 25 to 70's now) based on relationships that started under the age of 18....

[beuleux]

Yeah, cuz all young people are just horny kids

I know plenty of people that have built happy marriages (aged anywhere from 25 to 70's now) based on relationships that started under the age of 18....

...I dont

[Snrf]

Yeah I don't know many in England actually!

Apart from my gran and grandpa, they're all people from when I was growing up in the US, weird huh..

[mavsluva]

I think that is clearer than talking about icebergs. Icebergs make me think of a sinking ships.

An iceberg is a wonderful analogy because you don't see the foundation. Therefore, you forget it's there. Just as people forget the reasons why they love and care for each other.

[*Narkissos*]

Mavs... YGPM

[LawMan018]

I believe Mavsluva's original counseling of the couple was fantastic. He's a very well spoken guy with much to teach, I think he'd make a great minister.

[Carlos_E]

An iceberg is a wonderful analogy because you don't see the foundation. Therefore, you forget it's there. Just as people forget the reasons why they love and care for each other.

Understood.

[guest589745]

Yeah, cuz all young people are just horny kids

I know plenty of people that have built happy marriages (aged anywhere from 25 to 70's now) based on relationships that started under the age of 18....

I agree.


Mav, how do you suggest someone "Concentrate on the foundation" Exactly? I mean, its kinda hard to tell what it even is at least in my case....

[chest6]

I was looking for the meaning but it didn't make much sense to me. My take on it is different.

They were high school sweet hearts. There was never a foundation built in the first place. They were two horny kids looking to get laid and got married because their religion says no to premarital sex. That isn't much to build a relationship off of. They married young and never had time to grow as individuals. There for they'll most likely grow apart, not closer.
Also, people have needs. If she felt he is not fufilling them she should tell him what they are so he knows exactly what she's not getting from him. The same applies to him. A good relationship is based on communication and compromise. No two people are exactly alike. Both parties have to be willing to listen and compromise and give their partner what they need from the relationship.

I think that is clearer than talking about icebergs. Icebergs make me think of a sinking ships.

I disagree with the first part, but I agree with the second part I bolded.

First part...I really dont think they wanted to get married solely because their religion says no to premarital sex. Most likely the got married becuase, like mavs said, they thought that they loved each other enough to lead a successful marriage. I really dont think two people can get married at 21 and lead a successful marriage.

Your second part I do agree with. I really think, like you said, that two people must learn to discover themselves as individuals and continue to build their "self" first, rather than go through that period with someone else closely at your side, not knowing who you are or what you are all about, without someone else already being apart of you and making that decision for you.

[LawMan018]

Skullsmasher, everyone is different therefore everyone has a different foundation. There must be something that initially sparked this relationship and if you can revert back to it perhaps you can... "sculpt it a little better."

[guest589745]

Skullsmasher, everyone is different therefore everyone has a different foundation. There must be something that initially sparked this relationship and if you can revert back to it perhaps you can... "sculpt it a little better."

Yea true, just hard to do so far into this shit.

[Carlos_E]

I agree.


Mav, how do you suggest someone "Concentrate on the foundation" Exactly? I mean, its kinda hard to tell what it even is at least in my case....

Didn't you post you always cheat on your girl friend? Not screwing everything that moves would be considered "concentrating on your foundation."