My Message from 5/13/07 (Participation Encouraged)

**mavsluva** · 05-14-2007, 10:48 AM

Message Theme: Anger - Does it control you or do you control it?

I would assume that most of us have had a great deal of experience in dealing with anger. Anger, as we all know, is something that stems from an event or circumstance that often does not result in our favor. We tend to associate anger with unpredictable characteristics such as aggression, foul words, compromised judgement, heightened physical tendencies and any form of emotion that we deem necessary to rectify a given circumstance. We all have different areas in our lives that make us become angry. What may be a big deal to one person may be a very minor deal to someone else. I will use one of my personal issues for an example:

I am a very punctual individual. Especially when it comes to my free time! My very favorite time of the year is the months leading up to the Summer and the activities that are a part of my life during this specific time. My wife and I share a love for the hobby of water sports as we have a few lake toys that we exploit during the warmer months of the year. One thing that we cherrish about our hobby is our desire to share it with other people. We always invite friends and family to the lake with us as it makes the experience that much more enjoyable. Well, and unfortunately, I have a tendency to expect those to which we invite to be as punctual as I am. For whatever reason, I feel that it's both an illustration of respect and common courtesy for others to be on time, just as I would be for them. Well, that hardly ever happens and it makes me very furious. When I ask myself "Why?", it's because I feel as if I'm being cheated of my free time. While this may seem very minute to some, it's scales on a level of mass proportions to me.

Well, that was me as of last year. The new me this year, however, is much more sensitive to the issue (or what was once an issue). You see, how is it okay for me to expect perfection out of others when I'm no where near perfect myself? Am I that powerful of a person? (Absolutely not!) Which leads me to a few points pertaining to anger:

1. Anger does not define your character or your heart. Anger defines your passion and your priorities. People are NOT angry by default nor is anger established in the heart at birth. People become angry when their passion and their priorities become violated in ways that are not in their interest. In my example, my spare time (which I highly value) was being violated, therefore, I was angered by it.

2. Even though anger does not define your character or your heart, it does indeed challenge who you are as a person. Anger is the beginning point of a potential series of events that tailors your mind, your body, your relationships, your spirit and your soul. Allowing anger to control your life can develop into behavioral patterns that can in fact manipulate who you are as a person and what your about.

3. And finally, anger is redemptive. No one likes to be angry. Becoming angry is the beginning point, or a sign, of something to come. We can either address it, learn from it and then become stronger because of it. Or, we can allow it to escalate into who we are as people moving forward. We see and read about events where people allow their anger to go above and beyond their own control which can in fact effect the lives of others (Virvigina Tech being a good example).

It is not unhealthy to become angry for whatever reason. What is unhealthy about anger, though, is allowing your anger to jeopardize who you are as a person. The next time you should find yourself becoming angry, I encourage you to revisit the root of your anger and then ask yourself the following questions:

Is the frustration that I'm experiencing worthy of the cause?
Is whatever I'm angry about worth dying for internally?
How is my anger affecting those around me?

If you have read this message, I encourage you to post an example of something that angers you that you're not happy about. If you'd rather not post your example within this thread, I encourage you to PM me about it. I will not announce your name or your situation publicly. The primary goal of this post is to bring light to the subject of anger in an attempt to enable you to rectify what might be wei***ng you down at this time.

Grace and Peace,
Mavsluva

**gixxerboy1** · 05-14-2007, 11:00 AM

Good post.

What angers me is when someone tells you they will call you or call you back in a certain amount of time and they don't.

Why does it make me mad. I think its a respect thing like you say with people being late. If you say you will call in an hour call in in hour.

Also i might need to tell you something important .I can understand your busy at the moment and cant talk so call me when you say you will.

Also if you don't i feel like apparently something was more important then me. I don't feel as i should be #1. But if you don't call and you tell me later that i was busy i was getting my nails done and tanning. I'm insulted that tanning couldn't wait 5 minutes for me but i had to wait for tanning.

I've been better with letting it get to me. Also when i would get mad about it i would say soemthing. I just keep it to myself now

**notanormalgent** · 05-14-2007, 11:33 AM

I am on the same page as all of you when it comes to being punctual. But perhaps the biggest thing that has angered me recently is the fact that my girlfriend (and soul mate) has become so busy with work and school that I never have time to see her.

I don't like not being a "priority", even though I am. I want to see her more often and would like more time to make love to her, but the fact that she is working two jobs, goes to school full time, and is training for an international beauty pageant can be a little frustrating. I love the fact that she is productive, and whenever I am with her I am ecstatic.

I understand that she is trying to make herself stronger as a person now so we can be stronger as a couple later. I also understand that I don't have a lot of family around me (unlike her) and I get most of my support from my friends and her.

On top of things, I was so negative about the whole situation that I encouraged her to quit one of her jobs. I feel like this may have pushed her a little bit away from me because I was trying to change who she was. Instead, I have to set an example myself and become a motivating factor in her life as opposed to a nagger. I actually just realized this fact yesterday and had one of the best and most productive days in a long time.

Take care, guys!
Gent

**Stock** · 05-14-2007, 11:40 AM

IMO, I try to learn to control what I am able to have control over, ie anger, and letting the go of the things in which I have no control, ie other people's actions. I value my time very much, but I have no control over others that dont value my time. But, given the same situation, I would have control over sharing my valuable time with others that do or do not value my time. This helps me to separate and/or detach from my anger and realize it is ok to be angry, but not to the point of self destruction.

**scaramouche** · 05-14-2007, 11:44 AM

ppl who r not good for thier word piss me off immensly and make my blood boil

**goodcents** · 05-14-2007, 01:47 PM

Good post as always mav,

**kroshamwindsong** · 05-14-2007, 03:18 PM

Anger has always been a very powerful (and empowering) emotion in my life. Anger makes me feel crazy and empowers me to do things that normally lie beyond the boundaries of my moral code. I have therefore in the past avoided becoming angry at all costs because I was always afraid to pay the price that I usually associate with the consequences of allowing myself to be angry (doing things I would later regret when cooler heads would prevail).

This technique of avoiding anger did not work very well for me in the long run. Some people were able to pick up on the fact that they could get away with a lot without provoking an appropriate response from me. I would often feel afterwards that I made myself a "perfect victim". I feared my anger so much that I inadvertantly allowed people to take advantage of me. Being angry is bad right? It is a negative emotion!

I have since learned that anger is not a wholly negative emotion. Anger should be treated like a warning light going off in your life. Nowadays if I feel angry about something I become aware that someone or something is crossing the line with me and taking advantage or hurting me (deliberate or not). It is up to me at that point to deal with the situation appropriately before the situation gets out of hand.

For me, the anger I avoided or denied would eventually grow into rage. Rage is neither productive or constructive. Rage controls you and makes you act like a crazy person. Acting "crazy" is rarely a good solution to any problem.

my 2 cents.

**scaramouche** · 05-14-2007, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by kroshamwindsong

Anger has always been a very powerful (and empowering) emotion in my life. Anger makes me feel crazy and empowers me to do things that normally lie beyond the boundaries of my moral code. I have therefore in the past avoided becoming angry at all costs because I was always afraid to pay the price that I usually associate with the consequences of allowing myself to be angry (doing things I would later regret when cooler heads would prevail).

This technique of avoiding anger did not work very well for me in the long run. Some people were able to pick up on the fact that they could get away with a lot without provoking an appropriate response from me. I would often feel afterwards that I made myself a "perfect victim". I feared my anger so much that I inadvertantly allowed people to take advantage of me. Being angry is bad right? It is a negative emotion!

I have since learned that anger is not a wholly negative emotion. Anger should be treated like a warning light going off in your life. Nowadays if I feel angry about something I become aware that someone or something is crossing the line with me and taking advantage or hurting me (deliberate or not). It is up to me at that point to deal with the situation appropriately before the situation gets out of hand.

For me, the anger I avoided or denied would eventually grow into rage. Rage is neither productive or constructive. Rage controls you and makes you act like a crazy person. Acting "crazy" is rarely a good solution to any problem.

my 2 cents.

very well said

**dupa95** · 05-14-2007, 03:47 PM

great post thank you I have. PTSD. So rage has been my friend my whole life. I just recently learned about anger. I am also learning other emotions as well. My rage has brought me to some really dark places. My now anger starts at 60 not like most people who start at 0. I now realize through a lot of share time it's so much easer to be happy. My anger engulfs my entire body just like cold or hot or alcohol. I work on this anger thing like I work on bodybuilding. So I tell people my anger make me lumpy. The gym is great meditation for me helps calm the mind. So if I can supress this thing so can you just work at it.

**T3/T4 GSR** · 05-14-2007, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by gixxerboy1

Good post.

What angers me is when someone tells you they will call you or call you back in a certain amount of time and they don't.

Why does it make me mad. I think its a respect thing like you say with people being late. If you say you will call in an hour call in in hour.

Also i might need to tell you something important .I can understand your busy at the moment and cant talk so call me when you say you will.

Also if you don't i feel like apparently something was more important then me. I don't feel as i should be #1. But if you don't call and you tell me later that i was busy i was getting my nails done and tanning. I'm insulted that tanning couldn't wait 5 minutes for me but i had to wait for tanning.

I've been better with letting it get to me. Also when i would get mad about it i would say soemthing. I just keep it to myself now

Exactly...this girl I am dating does this all the time and it drives me nuts.

**dupa95** · 05-14-2007, 03:51 PM

remember this people will always fail you. You are the best you you got

**Titleist** · 05-14-2007, 09:16 PM

Nice post Mavs.

**wascaptain5214** · 05-15-2007, 04:29 AM

my problem was, when i was mad at something, it would carry over to everything else. i would be pissed for days for some little bull crap. and before i knew it, i was mad at the world..... i was asked by a VA shrink, and he kept repeating the question over and over to me, was.....what you really mad about? he kept on till he got to the root problem. life is too short to be angry.

**SubmissionGrappler** · 05-15-2007, 05:46 AM

I used to stay mad at the world until I figured out like mavs said that the anger mostly stems from what one might consider an affront or attack on something of personal value to them .
I never did figure out a way to control this so I just eliminated or became cold to anything or anyone that threatened me in this way.Sort of ****ing out things.I still can get red faced type rages but I never let them get out of hand and most of the time in the end I don't feel I got mad over "nothing"
I have streamlined things to a point where I could count on one hand the things that mean so much to me that I could become enraged over .the rest is just noise.

I may be classified as a "control freak" but thats ok with me