need insight - woman im interested in is in a relationship

[JDawg1536]

Ok so its kinda a long story, but I appreciate any advice or insight anyone has to offer....

So I went on vacation with my best friend and his fiance a couple months ago, and she brought along a couple of her friends. Well one of her friends had just broken up with her boyfriend, and we really hit it off and had we all had a great time together. A few weeks later the four of us (my friend, his fiance and her other friend) went to visit this girl where she lives. We had another great weekend, and we spent a lot of time one on one talking and getting to know each other. When I finally worked up the courage to make a move, I basically got shut down. A couple days later she contacted me and basically she said she was sorry about what happened but she is in a relationship and wouldnt ever break that "trust". I didnt know it at the time, but it turns out she had gotten back together with her ex between the times we had hung out.

Since then, we have hung out a few more times and again we have always had a lot of fun and she was so sweet about everything that it wasnt awkward at all. She has an amazing personality, is really smart, has a great job, and is probably the most beautiful girl Ive ever met in my life. I haven't had a girlfriend in almost 4 years, I'm very picky and I never seek out or force a relationship. This girl is special. She's been dating this guy for a few years and that was the second time they have broken up. I only know about him what I hear from other people, but it's obvious that she deserves much better than what he offers.

My problem is that I just dont know what to do. I completely respect the fact that she is in a relationship, and I would never do anything to try and ruin a
"good" thing. I'm definitely not trying to "trick" her or steal her away from someone else, but I just really think that if I feel this strongly about something, I cant just sit around and let it pass without at least doing something about it. I've never dealt with a girl who was involved, so it tough for me to think about what it is exactly that I should do. She obviously knows Im interested, but I don't know if she is aware of exactly how strongly I feel about her. I also know that she has feelings for me as well. I dont know if I should throw my heart out there and let her know exactly how I feel, or just stay out of it and not try and cause any problems. The last thing I want to do is make things difficult for her, but it's a difficult situation for me and Im totally confused as to what, if anything, to do. Would it be out of line for me to let my feelings known? Should I pursue it even though shes involved? Should I leave it alone and let it run its course? I just dont know....

[RuhlFreak55]

this sounds familiar.......and the plan i'm personally going with is eliminating the boyfriend

[JDawg1536]

Ha. Yeah some other guy had a similar problem about a month ago, I dont think he was as into it as I am though. How much do you charge for the BF cleansing?

[xlxBigSexyxlx]

Don't be the ass going and messing up relationships. lol

If its meant to happen and she really likes you, it will happen on its own time.

[JDawg1536]

Don't be the ass going and messing up relationships. lol

If its meant to happen and she really likes you, it will happen on its own time.

I know what you're saying, but I'm not "that guy" who would go and do something like that. I have very high morals and standards, and I definitely dont wanna pull a doosh bag move and try and ruin things. I dunno man. I know everyone always says, "Oh well this is different", but seriously, this IS different. I just hate having to sit back and let "fate" take over. I believe that certain things happen for certain reasons, but I also think that at some time you have to get off your ass and do something aside from "letting things run their course". Frustrating.....

[xlxBigSexyxlx]

If she knows you like her, and if she likes you, it will happen.

Give her your 2 cents and leave it at that.

[Bojangles69]

Never worry about the boyfriend.

Anytime he comes up, DO NOT talk trash about him.
If she says something bad, don't elaborate on her negatives.

If you do, you'll trigger all kinds of "he's just saying that because he wants to bone me" crap in her head.
And I honestly would never verbalize your interest.
Use body language and undertones, not words.

If you engage her logically "I have feelings for you"
She'll prob say "I have a bf, it wouldn't be right" or w/e.

If you engage her emotionally, you help her feed her own denial that way, then things just happen.

[JDawg1536]

Never worry about the boyfriend.

Anytime he comes up, DO NOT talk trash about him.
If she says something bad, don't elaborate on her negatives.

If you do, you'll trigger all kinds of "he's just saying that because he wants to bone me" crap in her head.
And I honestly would never verbalize your interest.
Use body language and undertones, not words.

If you engage her logically "I have feelings for you"
She'll prob say "I have a bf, it wouldn't be right" or w/e.

If you engage her emotionally, you help her feed her own denial that way, then things just happen.

The boyfriend doesnt come up. He came up one time the very first time we hung out when she said, "I cant talk to anyone like I can talk to you, even my (ex) boyfriend". She has never said his name. Out of all the times we have been together, they have spoken once on the phone. She has no pictures of him at her place anywhere. To me it feels like she is with him because its been so long and its comfortable and easy. Then again, he NEVER comes up so I cant really say.

Sound advice though, definitely worth thinking about. At the same time I hate playing the game. I would much rather tell it like it is, but I guess that's not always the best thing to do. Thanks your your input BJ, much appreciated and taken to heart.

[deliverance]

dont get caught up to much in the whole friends cause alot of relationships tend not to ever work out once you are good friends and then you loose her altogether...let her know your feelings but dont dont ask her how she feels you dont want her to think you are pressuring her into something just cause you told her your thoughts, just tell her and leave it at that and continue to kick it lick you never said anything at all, this way she knows your sincere and you are not hangin around till you get an answer...it will make her feel more comfortable

[Bojangles69]

Wait JDawg, are you absolutely sure she has a bf to begin?

I'm not trying to offend you at all, but women will sometimes act or say shit like that just to have something to fall back on encase they decide their not interested.
But are you sure these 2 are actually an item?

And if so, the fact she rarely brings him up when shes around you, or talks to him on the phone, should be taken as a HUGE sign that your window of opportunity with her is wide open.
Just usually when I meet girls with bfs they bring them up like 5000 times before anything happens.

[deliverance]

Bro i have to agree with you they definetly mention their bfs more than you really want to hear even if it is in innocent convo.....

[JDawg1536]

Wait JDawg, are you absolutely sure she has a bf to begin?

I'm not trying to offend you at all, but women will sometimes act or say shit like that just to have something to fall back on encase they decide their not interested.
But are you sure these 2 are actually an item?

And if so, the fact she rarely brings him up when shes around you, or talks to him on the phone, should be taken as a HUGE sign that your window of opportunity with her is wide open.
Just usually when I meet girls with bfs they bring them up like 5000 times before anything happens.

Yeah Im sure. Im pretty good friends with my boys fiance, who is her best friend. I talk to her every day and we've discussed this girl many times. I know how most women are, but trust me, this girl is very different. Way down to earth and very sweet and innocent. This is only her second boyfriend and they have been together about 4-5 years apparently. I dont think she brings him up because A) shes interested in me or B) shes not really THAT into the relationship, which is weird because they have been together so long.

[JDawg1536]

dont get caught up to much in the whole friends cause alot of relationships tend not to ever work out once you are good friends and then you loose her altogether...let her know your feelings but dont dont ask her how she feels you dont want her to think you are pressuring her into something just cause you told her your thoughts, just tell her and leave it at that and continue to kick it lick you never said anything at all, this way she knows your sincere and you are not hangin around till you get an answer...it will make her feel more comfortable

I was thinking the same thing. I kinda feel like telling her how I feel but at the same time I dont want her to feel pressured. But after thinking about what bojangles said, Im thinking that if I do that, it wont ever be the same. Spending time together could be awkward, if it would happen at all. I would never let it get to the friends stage either. I dont overly flirt with her or anything, but I definitely dont treat her like shes strictly a friend.

[Bojangles69]

Yeah Im sure. Im pretty good friends with my boys fiance, who is her best friend. I talk to her every day and we've discussed this girl many times. I know how most women are, but trust me, this girl is very different. Way down to earth and very sweet and innocent. This is only her second boyfriend and they have been together about 4-5 years apparently. I dont think she brings him up because A) shes interested in me or B) shes not really THAT into the relationship, which is weird because they have been together so long.

I want to say cool, but I don't want to jump the gun either.

Because it sounds like a great situation to be in, you & this girl who get along so well, but then the bf variable.

So just tread lightly, I'd try to plan complete innocent get togethers that would bring you 2 together, maybe some friends and not her bf. Then some less innocent get togethers, with just you 2.
Then the rest would be really a matter of time and whether or not its meant to happen.

But MOST importantly, even though you prob are a little now, try your best not to become too emotionally invested. Its a relatively unstable situation, and you don't want to get too worked up in it.

G/luck!

[JDawg1536]

I want to say cool, but I don't want to jump the gun either.

Because it sounds like a great situation to be in, you & this girl who get along so well, but then the bf variable.

So just tread lightly, I'd try to plan complete innocent get togethers that would bring you 2 together, maybe some friends and not her bf. Then some less innocent get togethers, with just you 2.
Then the rest would be really a matter of time and whether or not its meant to happen.

But MOST importantly, even though you prob are a little now, try your best not to become too emotionally invested. Its a relatively unstable situation, and you don't want to get too worked up in it.

G/luck!

Yeah I guess Im actually not in that bad of a spot. I guess I can only hope that she will come to her senses and realize that she is way too good for that guy. I think Im just gonna do it like that. Keep talking to her but remain sorta distant as not to venture into the "friend" zone. I am invested obviously. I cant help is seeing as Ive never been so attracted to someone like this before. It sucks but at the same time Im doing alright not getting myself in too deep. Thanks a lot for all your wisdom, its definitely giving me a new outlook on the situation.

[CSAR]

Man you got a lot on your plate. Thinking about your future life out of the military and now women troubles.

Seriously, look at this in military terms. You're a sniper. She's a counter-sniper. If you make a bad tactical decision and take the shot (i.e., telling her how you feel), you expose your position and she shuts you down (i.e., she tells you no way and it forever sours any potential relationship). If you wait until she's tired of her current position and wants to find a better one (i.e., she dumps her current boyfriend and wants someone better....that would be you), then you can take her out with a shot to the heart (i.e., Giggity giggity).

Celer, Silens, Mortalis

[DSM4Life]

Remain friends and keep it at that. If you keep trying to make a move you will lose her as a friend.

[JDawg1536]

Man you got a lot on your plate. Thinking about your future life out of the military and now women troubles.

Seriously, look at this in military terms. You're a sniper. She's a counter-sniper. If you make a bad tactical decision and take the shot (i.e., telling her how you feel), you expose your position and she shuts you down (i.e., she tells you no way and it forever sours any potential relationship). If you wait until she's tired of her current position and wants to find a better one (i.e., she dumps her current boyfriend and wants someone better....that would be you), then you can take her out with a shot to the heart (i.e., Giggity giggity).

Celer, Silens, Mortalis

I know man, I got a lot going on in my life right now. Its all good though, rather have a full plate then an empty one.

Good analogy, I guess it is better so stalk silently from the tree line and wait for the opportune moment. Patience.

["Maximus"]

I'm with Bojangles, Csar, Dsm advice...

Besides their good advice, I would add to remain friends with her but be careful not to become her default 'crying shoulder' cause then you'll be labeled as "friends" material and you'll be doomed. Also, avoid becoming her "nice guy" friend. You know, it's not bad to sincerely help a FRIEND out -whenever you humanly can- however, women are wired differently than us and they respond better to a man's irrational behavior than what the norm would dictate, i.e., ass kissing, paying too much attention to them to soon, asking them out all the time, buying gifts, etc. So, if you start doing little things for her -whether she mentions them to you direclty or indirectly- just be smart and keep your mouth shut, unless you see that she really needs somone's help and you happen to be with her on that given situation and you're willing to help her BECAUSE you can/felt to do so... not because she asked you, or mentioned it to you in a subtle way.

I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth. Treat her with respect all the time and don't make a move on her after you know for sure that she's over with this guy. And wait for a few months, like 3 months minimum, to let her emotions/feelings heal and to make sure she's really over her ex.

[mex83]

Wasnt there another one of these earlier this month...... just leave this chick and look for someone that is not in a relationship....