jokes

**firmechicano831** · 11-20-2008, 11:38 PM

Anyone here have some jokes to make us laugh. I found this one today and I got a laugh out of it.

Construction Worker

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants , whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuc.k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

**Dinosaur** · 11-20-2008, 11:49 PM

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar.

After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

**Dinosaur** · 11-20-2008, 11:50 PM

here id another one:
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favoured to win the national competition easily.

Penalope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

What? the coach says in a panic, How far down does the hair go?

She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second thing I wanted to talk to you about."

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 11-20-2008, 11:56 PM

Be Strong
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 11-20-2008, 11:57 PM

Good hair day
One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares she’s filing a sexual harassment suit.

“Come on,” says the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?”

“He’s a ****in' midget!”

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 11-20-2008, 11:57 PM

Bob In Trouble
Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed, and started to give him the business.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 11-20-2008, 11:58 PM

Did you hear the joke about the vacuum?

It sucks.

**firmechicano831** · 11-20-2008, 11:59 PM

I had already heard that one big sexy but i like the vaseline joke. LMAO

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 11-20-2008, 11:59 PM

Soldier and the Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 11-21-2008, 12:02 AM

Sex Ed
Little Johnny was sitting in his first sex ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" she asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!"

**Dinosaur** · 11-21-2008, 12:08 AM

VASELINE JOKE
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.

Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

**Ernst** · 11-21-2008, 12:09 AM

It's show and tell day in Kindergarten.
When it's Little Johnny's turn to present he walks to the front of the room, picks up a piece of chalk, and makes a dot on the board.
"What is it that you have for show and tell?" The teacher asks Johnny.
"It's a period."
"What's so special about a period?"
"I don't know, but this morning at breakfast my sister said she missed hers and burst into tears. Then Mom fainted, and Dad went next door and shot the neighbor boy."

**Gaspari1255** · 11-21-2008, 12:10 AM

My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday...

I didn't get mad, just told her that's a big word for a 4th grader!

**WARMachine** · 11-21-2008, 12:13 AM

Hes a little Johnny story...

Little Johnny was riding in the car with his grandpa.

Grandpa pulls out a bottle of JD and starts pounding it.

So Johnny says, "Mmm Grandpa that looks good, can i have some?"

Grandpa says, "Well can your dick touch your butthole?"

Johnny replies, "No"

Grandpa, "Well you cant have any then."

So they get home, and Grandpa pulls out a fat Cuban cigar ad starts smoking.

So Johnny says, "Mmm Grandpa that looks good, can i have some?"

Grandpa says, "Well can your dick touch your butthole?"

Johnny replies, "No"

Grandpa, "Well you cant have any then."

So Johnny goes into the kitchen where Grandma is cooking him Cookies.

She notices Johnny looking sad and asks whats wrong.

Johnny says, "Grandpa wouldnt share his JD and cigar."

Grandma says, "Thats ok, i got some warm cookies and milk for you!"

So Johnny goes into the other room with Grandpa.

Grandpa says, "Mmm Johnny those look good, can i have some?"

So Johnny asks, "Can your dick touch your butthole?"

Grandpa says, "Sure does!"

Johnny replies, "Well go Fuck yourself then!"

**WARMachine** · 11-21-2008, 12:15 AM

Originally Posted by xlxBigSexyxlx

Bob In Trouble
Bob was in a lot of trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed, and started to give him the business.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

That was priceless...

**Gaspari1255** · 11-21-2008, 12:17 AM

Here is another terribly perverted one I heard a while back:

A young boy asks his father if he can borrow the family car for a night.

His father replies: "Sure you can but you have to give daddy a BJ."

The boy says "uhhh ok dad" and begins to perform.

As soon as he stars he screams, "wow daddy, this tastes like shit!"

The father replies..."oh yeah I forgot...your sister borrowed it first."

ughhh thats terrible lol

**Dinosaur** · 11-21-2008, 12:27 AM

Originally Posted by ******

Here is another terribly perverted one I heard a while back:

A young boy asks his father if he can borrow the family car for a night.
His father replies: "Sure you can but you have to give daddy a BJ."
The boy says "uhhh ok dad" and begins to perform.
As soon as he stars he screams, "wow daddy, this tastes like shit!"
The father replies..."oh yeah I forgot...your sister borrowed it first."

ughhh thats terrible lol

sounds like pedophile joke

i ve heard it few times

**rockinred** · 11-21-2008, 08:48 AM

these joke threads are hilarious... too bad I don't have any to contribute...lol.

keep this going.

**Voland** · 11-21-2008, 12:40 PM

courtesy of a brazilian friend. If you are ethincally/ religiously concerned and susceptible softsikked person who cant take a joke DONT READ. Brazilians may know it....

So there is this jew guy who goes to a swingers party, alone. He get all party mode, and drunk he fukks some girls and gets fukked by a couple of guys too.

Next day all in remorse he feel like shit for being fukked by guys so he goes to the local sinagogue he explains everything to the rabbi who tells him...if you pay 15.000 $ you'll be delivered of your sin.

He gets out...he is delivered cos he can be clean but 15.000 is expensive so he enters a catholic church...the father tell him...that will be 8000 $.
So he says great thats almost half.

By the way he goes to a shaman who tells him 1000 $, plus some alcohol and your delivered.

He is totally pumped up...

finally next to home he says lets just see is this mosque, out of curiosity...
the imam tell him to be delivered from your sins just buy some candy, cake, fruits,...the jew goes? just that?!!! wow
the imam says: "yes, everytime one of your kind gets fukked we celebrate"

**abbot138** · 11-21-2008, 12:58 PM

What do you call an Ethiopian with a stubbed toe.........a 9 iron.

**Reed** · 11-21-2008, 01:10 PM

What do women and condoms have in common.....

They spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick

**abbot138** · 11-21-2008, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by Reed500

What do women and condoms have in common.....

They spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick

LMAO!!!!!! Nice.

**Reed** · 11-21-2008, 01:21 PM

Whats in the toilet of the star ship enterprise

The captains log

**Reed** · 11-21-2008, 01:39 PM

A brunette, a blond, and a redhead are all in 8th grade. Who has the biggest tits....

The blonde, because she is 18

**WARMachine** · 11-21-2008, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by Voland

courtesy of a brazilian friend. If you are ethincally/ religiously concerned and susceptible softsikked person who cant take a joke DONT READ. Brazilians may know it....

So there is this jew guy who goes to a swingers party, alone. He get all party mode, and drunk he fukks some girls and gets fukked by a couple of guys too.

Next day all in remorse he feel like shit for being fukked by guys so he goes to the local sinagogue he explains everything to the rabbi who tells him...if you pay 15.000 $ you'll be delivered of your sin.

He gets out...he is delivered cos he can be clean but 15.000 is expensive so he enters a catholic church...the father tell him...that will be 8000 $.
So he says great thats almost half.

By the way he goes to a shaman who tells him 1000 $, plus some alcohol and your delivered.

He is totally pumped up...

finally next to home he says lets just see is this mosque, out of curiosity...
the imam tell him to be delivered from your sins just buy some candy, cake, fruits,...the jew goes? just that?!!! wow
the imam says: "yes, everytime one of your kind gets fukked we celebrate"

Ive heard it...