Texts from last night

**Dancer** · 06-16-2009, 02:45 PM

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Quote:
(404): Was going to watch Bolt. ****ed a stranger instead. Details later.
(310): So you didn't like Bolt?

Quote:
(773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

Quote:
(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream

Quote:
(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Quote:
(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Quote:
(949): either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating

Quote:
(216): Where the **** is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Quote:
(608): Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
(608): Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

Quote:
(540): what do you have against ST
(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

Quote:
(404): one word: firstdatebathroomanal

Quote:
(214): She wanted to **** you. You threw up on her. Congrats.

Quote:
(972): like if someone ****ed a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
(214): I hope to god you are high

Quote:
(208): Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.

Quote:
(732): my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls

Quote:
(678): He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
(770): I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

Quote:
(317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

Quote:
(919): Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry

Quote:
(508): Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again

Quote:
(201): we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer

Quote:
(845): I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.

Quote:
(480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

Quote:
(407): please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...

(203): How did you manage that?
(860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
(203): lol... jersey girls rock

(734): I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.

(913): U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.

(636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the **** is wrong with you
(1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

(212): I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
(630): I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

(518): I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.

(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer

(954): Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
(1-954): Is this the gay conversation?

(989): Well a couple things dont make sense to me. Like people in wheelchairs that have dirty shoes.
or how asparagus piss is funny in a crowded room but not in the shower

(859): I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush

(352): So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field

(207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

(516): why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?

(305): He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.

(636): I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani

(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

(732): ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision

(281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
(214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping

**sixslow** · 06-16-2009, 02:57 PM

lol i like the one "i want you now" then "you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother i dont like seeing this!"

**higherdesire** · 06-16-2009, 05:39 PM

Very nice. I feel like I just I just snagged a scooby snack off the jagged edge man. this is cosmic goods.

**Tigershark** · 06-16-2009, 05:55 PM

Nice.

**stack_it** · 06-16-2009, 05:55 PM

Those are friggin great. I have to agree the mom one was the best.

**Dancer** · 06-16-2009, 08:26 PM

Soon you will be like me, spend an hour a night laughing and reading the site... It does make the office less productive...lol

**ph34rsh4ck** · 06-16-2009, 08:28 PM

**ph34rsh4ck** · 06-16-2009, 08:29 PM

**xlxBigSexyxlx** · 06-16-2009, 08:42 PM

lol, great site...

**Hazard** · 06-16-2009, 08:52 PM

Originally Posted by ph34rsh4ck

UGH............ LOL......... i wouldn't have left the house LOL

i'd still stick it in the pooper tho

~Haz~

**Dancer** · 06-16-2009, 10:13 PM

Originally Posted by Hazard

UGH............ LOL......... i wouldn't have left the house LOL

i'd still stick it in the pooper tho

~Haz~

The whole freaking ho is a pooper...lol

looks like poop anyway

**Bojangles69** · 06-16-2009, 11:24 PM

no way the jersey girls one and swine flu one are the best!

**Dancer** · 06-17-2009, 10:00 AM

(630): is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
(815): that's gum

**vpchill** · 06-17-2009, 10:31 AM

Lmaooo.

**Misery13** · 06-17-2009, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by Dancer

(630): is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
(815): that's gum

thats great i love it...

**Dancer** · 06-18-2009, 10:24 AM

(636): Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

**ronan the barbarian** · 06-18-2009, 03:44 PM

I HATE YOU........................

since you introduced me to the wonderful world of texts from last night me and my mrs have been spending an hour or so each everyday reading it.

some propper funny stuff.

**Immortal Soldier** · 06-18-2009, 04:02 PM

(484): he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

**KatsMeow** · 06-18-2009, 04:03 PM

hilarious

**KatsMeow** · 06-18-2009, 04:20 PM

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

**BlInDsIdE** · 06-18-2009, 04:39 PM

haha

**Dancer** · 06-20-2009, 10:03 AM

(631): Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?

(309): nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol

(904): I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.

**Dancer** · 06-20-2009, 10:05 AM

(336): well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.

**Dancer** · 06-20-2009, 10:09 AM

(801): i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.

**Dancer** · 06-20-2009, 10:10 AM

(412): Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to **** me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head

(508): god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
(774): Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

**Immortal Soldier** · 06-20-2009, 12:04 PM

This reminds me of that one time I decided not to bang this girl and decided to finger her and I woke up the next day and looked at my hand and it was covered in blood, I freaked I looked around and everything was clean.

Little did I know during last nights "sexual romp" I fingered her a little too hard and it was bleeding.

**Dancer** · 06-20-2009, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by Immortal Soldier

This reminds me of that one time I decided not to bang this girl and decided to finger her and I woke up the next day and looked at my hand and it was covered in blood, I freaked I looked around and everything was clean.

Little did I know during last nights "sexual romp" I fingered her a little too hard and it was bleeding.

That story remonds me off the time I "tried" to hock up with this girl... little to find out after we were both butt naket in her, her saying she was gonna use the bathroom...

A min later all I hear is well I am on my period, being on over 1g of test I said "and I cherish women for all occassions" and a min later I was walking out when she got emotional and started talking about her past.

Cherish this.... peace

**Immortal Soldier** · 06-20-2009, 12:50 PM

Originally Posted by Dancer

That story remonds me off the time I "tried" to hock up with this girl... little to find out after we were both butt naket in her, her saying she was gonna use the bathroom...

A min later all I hear is well I am on my period, being on over 1g of test I said "and I cherish women for all occassions" and a min later I was walking out when she got emotional and started talking about her past.

Cherish this.... peace

It's funny because my friend was in the bed next to us (it was a college dorm) trying too hook up with his girl, and the girl I was with was moaning like an 18 wheeler and my friend turned and said "Damn it, I am not going to hear the end of this tommorrow" because he thought I would be bragging how much my chick was moaning....but I am not that type of guy