get ready to laugh

[Deltasaurus]

and do who ever on here turned me on to this site textfromlastnight.com or something

(402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.


(406): When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.


(612): you guys were way drunker than both of me


(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all


(434): There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.


(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.


(330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.



(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that


(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.



(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.


(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT


(918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...


(703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically


(904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

(313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu


312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.


(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
(1-847): How was it?
(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.


(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.

(226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

(610): Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

(804): I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

(317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

(847): just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.

(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister


(716): it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.


(650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
(415): and she bought it?!?
(650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

08): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

(310): ohhhh ****k. chicks a dude.

(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over
(650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food

(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...

(217): How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

(216): Where the **** is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

(336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

(415): And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
(1-415): What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
(415): He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

(201): she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

(513): My mom found a condom in my purse
(513): Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.


(212): btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

[Dancer]

repost

[Deltasaurus]

no this is not a repost. these are different then his.

[Hazard]

LOL this one is my favorite.....

(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Priceless.... lol

~Haz~

[BuckwildBaby]

i didnt laugh...... wait, yes it did.

[Deltasaurus]

i wish i could have found this site sooner its so epic

[CBGB]

I'm there every day......love this shit, reminds me of college




(301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
(203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she