Getting tazed

[Iron_Pig]

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions

in one hand, and taser in another.



The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to

myself, 'no possible way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one

second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .



WHAT THE HELL!!!a



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt

to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three

second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so

from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both

nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[JinNtonic]

A woman would never do anything like this.

[higherdesire]

Well I will have to admit that the most shocking part of the story to me is that after all the pain and everything yoou wnet through with your test run, you STILL gave it over freely to your wife. tsk tsk my man, tsk tsk.

[zimmy]

weird...i've tazed myself ... just pain..if i got zapped It would just make me really really pissed off. Now if it is the police issue one which is way higher voltage than the civilian one...then I can understand.

[mr.a]

Sorry for laughing but that was funny

[CHAP]

IRON PIG- You sir have made my day...

You are truly one stupid SOB ,

But I have to say I will have no problem buying one for my wife now

[quarry206]

well tazers effect muscle more than fat.. so the more muscle you have the more it hurts...

i have gotten hit 9 or 10 times... and no matter what people say you never get use to it, it hurts like a mother f^cker every time...

[chicmagnet]

Oh Sh!t I can't stop laughing. There are some people who should not be allowed to much control over their own life for their own sake and you my friend seem to be one of them.

[iballin09]

what brand of tazer is it can you post a link or something? I had one and it was nowhere near as badass as this one apparently is.

[CBGB]

what brand of tazer is it can you post a link or something? I had one and it was nowhere near as badass as this one apparently is.

It's a joke guys


LMAO anyways

[iballin09]

im an idiot lol! hilarious though

[Matt]

[scribbs12]

dude seriously you are the biggest post whore i seen in a while r0fl... like your last 10 posts are that sausage pic. some one must love his sausage r0fl

[scribbs12]

LOL.. i just read your thread.. i was dying ... funny stuff..

[Iron_Pig]

It's a joke guys


LMAO anyways

My Bro sent it to me funny shit

[CBGB]

[Tigershark]

[bd50]

i knew it was bs! a taser has prongs that shoot out, as in "projectiles".

if anything it was a stun-gun, which is waaaay weaker than a taser shock, and i don't think it would be that strong to do all that to anyone.

a taser, maybe.

had me going though