Some Jokes For Ya'll

Here are some jokes...I thought these were REALLY funny...enjoy.


Two nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you.

So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.

The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.

The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:

"Okay, it's my turn, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on his head!"

This guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask covering his face, and walks up the lady, shows her a gun and tells her to go open the vault. She says, "but sir, this is not a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He demands she opens the vault, and she does. He then demands that she drinks 2 vials of sperm. She says, "there aint no way i'm drinking that." So he shows her the gun again. She decides to drink the sperm, and right after she does the man takes off his mask and it's her husband and he says "see, I told you it wouldn't kill ya."....

Al Gore approaches Bill Clinton, the commander- in-heat, to ask for some advice. "Bill" he says, "I'm having a little trouble satisfying Tipper in the bedroom, and I know you are an expert in this subject. Can you give me some help?" Bill says, " Whenever I have that trouble, I pull out my dick and whack it against the bedpost a few times to get it pumped up and I can go for half an hour. All my woman love it." Al goes straight to his bedroom where Tipper is in the dark in bed almost asleep. He undresses, walks over to the bed and whacks his wang on the bed post a few times. Tipper sits up and says "Bill, is that you?"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You,foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." "Well," the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied,"Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" "Well," the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed at the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he is always wearing a Harvard shirt during sex. Whenever he fucks me I get a rash in the shape of an H on my chest.

The doctor prescribes medication and calls his next patient in. She pulls off her shirt and says, "My boyfriend always wears his Princeton Shirt during sex and I get this rash."

The doctor again presribes some medication. He calls in his next patient. She pulls off her shirt and there is a rash in the shape of a W.

"Let me guess," the doctor says, "Your boyfriend goes to Western?" The woman responds, "No, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he reaized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked
"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending."

He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's bum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Massachusetts duck. Do you have a Massachusetts hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Massachusetts hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's bum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Rhode Island duck. Do you have a Rhode Island State hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced a Rhode Island State hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's a Vermont State duck. Do you have a Vermont State hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!!"

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

AND THE FINAL JOKE...ALSO A FAVOURITE OF MINE...


Top 10 Things Men Know About Women:

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:lol: :lol: :lol:

haha, a lot of these are hilarious...=)

great post...

-- clocky baby

thanks mate! Just what I needed

All those jokes are funny :roflol: :thewave:

HAHAHAHAHAha!!!! great posts...