Bored... Time for jokes

**fb4life** · 08-03-2009, 11:28 PM

heys fellas. i was bored looking through old emails and thought it would be fun to post some.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you, honey?"

The old biker leans over the bar,
"I was wondering young lady," he whispers,
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs
"Why yes, I sure am."

The ole' biker leans closer,
and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good,
cause I want a cheeseburger."

**fb4life** · 08-04-2009, 12:24 AM

one more thats kinda funny...

A young farm lad from Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Old Blue how to talk!"

That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

So how's Old Blue doing, son," his father asks.

Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Old Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Old Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?' "

The father says, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

**jbm** · 08-04-2009, 01:36 AM

**Charger527** · 08-04-2009, 03:56 AM

haha, good one

**ray0414** · 08-04-2009, 09:20 AM

women's rights.

**rx8rone** · 08-04-2009, 10:07 AM

i like the first one haha!

**energizer bunny** · 08-04-2009, 10:47 AM

Good ones...LOL

**DCannon** · 08-04-2009, 12:46 PM

A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.

The lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".

The Blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time"

**fitluv09** · 08-04-2009, 03:43 PM

Lol!

**Flagg** · 08-04-2009, 04:41 PM

What do fat people do during the summer?

Stink.

**calgarian** · 08-05-2009, 07:36 AM

What a difference b/w a blondie and redhead

Blondie lets you leave when u r satisfied.
Redhead lets u leave when she is satisfied.

***El Diablo*** · 08-05-2009, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by flagg

what do fat people do during the summer?

Stink.

lmfao! ....

**TITANIUM** · 08-05-2009, 08:25 AM

Originally Posted by fb4life

heys fellas. I was bored looking through old emails and thought it would be fun to post some.

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cold beer: $2.00
hamburger: $2.25
cheeseburger: $2.50
chicken sandwich : $3.50
hand job: $50.00

checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"may i help you, honey?"

the old biker leans over the bar,
"i was wondering young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

she looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs
"why yes, i sure am."

the ole' biker leans closer,
and into her left ear whispers softly,
"well, wash your hands real good,
cause i want a cheeseburger."

lolx2!!!

**Iron_Pig** · 08-05-2009, 08:25 AM

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, 'Lord, we don't
need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the
'beginning'..'

'Oh, is that so? Tell me....' replies God.

'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'

'Well, that's interesting. Show Me. '

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

'Oh no, no, no.'..... interrupts God,

(I love this)

"Get your own dirt!"

**TITANIUM** · 08-05-2009, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by fb4life

one more thats kinda funny...

A young farm lad from Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Old Blue how to talk!"

That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

So how's Old Blue doing, son," his father asks.

Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Old Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Old Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?' "

The father says, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

My X-Wife can't read or talk, I should have put her out to pasture when ammo wasn't so exspensive!!!LOL

**edgarr** · 08-05-2009, 10:43 AM

question: What is the most successful pick up line ever?

answer: does this smell like chloroform!

**sirrah2508** · 08-05-2009, 05:37 PM

Q. Why did god create women?

A. To carry cum from the bedroom to the bathroom

**JinNtonic** · 08-05-2009, 06:45 PM

How do you know when the chick your dating is too young to give you oral?

When you have to make the airplane noises to get it in her mouth.

**fb4life** · 08-06-2009, 02:29 AM

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed !!!

**ninesecz** · 08-06-2009, 11:22 AM

Virgin is about to have sex and as no rubber so he goes to the store....

he has a confused look and the lady behind the counter asks him
"whats wrong"
He says I need condoms but dont know which size I need!
Seh says honey, we get that a lot.. here is what you do, go out back and there is a fence with three holes in it. Go put your penis in each hole and see which fits the best and we will know what size protection you need.

Guy goes out back and hits the first hole where the lady is on the other side with her mouth around his thing..
after a few minutes he moves to the 2nd hole where the women is with her puskie up against the hole..
after a few minutes he goes to the 3rd hole where she puts her ass up to the hole...

After a few minutes he blows his load and as the girl runs back inside, he walks around front and back into the store..

The girls says to the kid...

"did you figure out which size rubbers you need?"

The kid says....

"Forget about the rubbers.....Give me 50 feet of that fence!!"

**alex18** · 08-06-2009, 11:25 AM

A binman knocks on a chinese take away door. A chinky answers "harro, wat i wan?" the binman replies "Wheres ya bin?", "i bin on loo" says the chink. "no mate, wheres ya dustbin?" . "i dust bin on loo!" "no no mate, wheres ya wheelie bin?". "Hokay, I wheelie bin havin a wank."

**ninesecz** · 08-06-2009, 11:53 AM

Uhh Okay!! LOL

**fb4life** · 08-07-2009, 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by alex18

a binman knocks on a chinese take away door. A chinky answers "harro, wat i wan?" the binman replies "wheres ya bin?", "i bin on loo" says the chink. "no mate, wheres ya dustbin?" . "i dust bin on loo!" "no no mate, wheres ya wheelie bin?". "hokay, i wheelie bin havin a wank."

lol! Wtf?