Is life suposed to be shitty?

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-15-2003, 04:27 PM

It seems that no matter how hard I try my life never gets any better. Ever since my mom died everything went shitty and before that things was crappy enough. My dad has been a pice of shit alcoholic as long as I can remember and he has always told me how disapointed he is with me and alot of other shit. I loved my mom but she was always emotionaly cold as a fish. So my childhood was realy shitty. After my mom died everything got worse betwen me and dad, he started to blame me for all kind of shit, told me into my face that I never cared for him or mom and that I am the biggest pice of shit he ever meet. He started doing everything he can to start arguments with me, even when he was sober. I endured it for almost two years before I had enough, i fixed my own apartment and before I moved it got even worse. My dad started arguing more with me and it ended with me just grabbing him and throwing him into a wall and then when he fell down I grabbed him by the head and screamed to him that if he ever fucks with me again Il kill him. Luckily I could move to my apartment just days after that otherwise I might have hurt him badly. Im always a calm guy and I NEVER EVER resorts to violence but that piece of shit deserved it.
But anyway now Im living alone and well Im extremely unhappy and just depressed. I never have been good loking or outgoing. Im not butt uggly but Im just not the kind of guy that attracts girls. Im not a party kind of guy either. I have only once realy loved a girl, but it was only a internet kind of "relationship", I never should have taken it as serious as I did, but I realy loved her so much that I could have died for her if I had to. But efter she meet me for the first time(after almost 6 months of chatting)she dumped me. That event almost killed me, I became so fucking depressed that I every single day thought about suicide, I feelt so bad emotionaly that I got pains on my body from it. Some nights I just lay there shaking and crying and just wishing myself dead. That depression lasted for almost 5 months and then it started getting better. But offcourse nothing realy got any better with my life. I was just as alone as before. I lost many of my good friends during that depression and now I only realy have 2 friends left. It feels like Im slipping down into a depression again.... I probably sound like a big pussy but everything I want out of life right now is to feel loved, I have never ever in my life feelt loved not by my parents or anyone and its breaking me apart. I just dont se any joy in life anymore, the only thing that makes me happy is working out and steroids but its not enough, I want to feel that there is a point with my life. I want to have someone meeningfull in my life.
If I slip down into a real heavy depression again I dont know if Im going to make it through it. It would be so easy to end it. Im never truly happy, everyday when I wake up I just cant wait until the day is over so I can sleep again, thats is everything I want to do anymore. Sleep, atleast in my dreams Im happy. Im 18 years old and have never even kissed a girl, never been close to anyone emotionaly. Never feelt like I belong somewhere, never feelt safe in my own home(except now when I live alone). Im the funnies, smartes, most caring and kind guy you can imagine, but still all I get for it is shit. I try so hard to be what people want me to be and they only step on me for it. No one cares if they hurt me, Im so sic and tired of beeing hurt and treated like shit by people I care for. Im gullible(sp?) and way to unselfish and people always take advantage of it...Im a emotional wreck and no one takes me serious. When I try to explain to people how fucking bad I feel, how much I want to die, they just think Im over exagerating. I dont know what to do anymore....

I dont know why I wrote all this, needed to get it of my chest, havent gone into any details at all, would be like writing a book if I did that. Im sure hundres of people on this board has had childhoods that is much much worse then mine so who am I realy to complain... but it doesnt make me feel any better...

**Rickson** · 03-15-2003, 05:26 PM

I'm not sure exactly what to say to this post. It sounds like you are in a great deal of pain. I think you should talk with a professional. With the problems you had in childhood and the issues you are having now it will probably take more than just a post to work through this. I know lots of bros on here and other boards suffer from depression and often therapy and possibly medication make them feel much better. I have never suffered from depression but the one thing that always makes me feel better when things aren't going well is to take control of areas of my life. If it is finances then I work out a budget and bill playing plan and stick to it. If it is my body I pick a workout plan and diet designed to achieve what I want. If it is a relationship I decide why it is not working and either get out of it or make the adjustments that I think will make it work. Life is to short to be unhappy and you have a lot of control over how you feel and what you do. Don't sweat the things you can't control it won't do any good.

**xxxl83** · 03-15-2003, 05:48 PM

Johan,

Keep your head up, and stay strong things will get better you're only 18 years old man, you've got alot of great years ahead of you. You just have to give it some time bro you'll find what you're looking for.

Also I think you should take Ricksons advice and speak with a professional to get things sorted out emotionally.

xxxl83

**Terinox** · 03-15-2003, 05:54 PM

Johan, long time no chat bro. Haven't seen you on ICQ for a while. I can relate to some manner (the depression at least) but not nearly as stressful as your life bro. I had no idea it was so severe. I think Rickson gave the best advice, you should really talk to some professionals, and also your doctor, and see what they recommend. How is Sweden though? Are you maybe also getting sick of the country as a whole? Do you have other family you can talk to? Are you still going to school bro? Maybe some bigger changes in like would also help. You already moved out on your own, which I think was a good step. Maybe ask one of your friends to move in with you and be your roommate to have some company. You could also post a couple adds for a roommate, and maybe even a female roommate? Have you thought about moving to another city?

First off, like Rickson said, talk to some professionals, DO NOT delay, don't just let it slide and think that things will get better by themselves or with time. I know a lot of people don't like medication and want to stay away from it, but if there is something to help, then it would be best to go with it.

Let us know bro, keep us posted, don't go out on a blank. Keep chatting with people, keep talking to others, etc...

**palme** · 03-15-2003, 06:00 PM

Medication is just a placebo effect, you need to see a shrink or the problem will never go away (i know).

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-15-2003, 06:12 PM

thanks for the advices bro's. Its just a little hard to try and be positive when the 18 years I have lived so far has been utter shit. I always was a strange kid, When I was 11 I already studied the relativity theories and was big into science, a real brainiac but emotionaly like a baby. Its now that everything has started to make me depressed, I was completely cold when i was younger. One time my dad(when he was drunk offcourese) tried to choke my mom and I even heard her scream but I was so cold that I didnt even go and check what was going on. Its all coming back to me now...flooding over me, trying to choke me. Sometimes its so bad that I have to run into the nearest bathroom when in school so I can cry.....I just cant control myself. Im disgusted by how I was when I was younger and I hate myself for the emotional wreck I am right now.

Terinox bro nice to hear from you. I am online pretty much but I guess the different time zones are to blame.

Im acctualy going to move to another city in 5 months or so. The place I live in now is a fucking extremely crappy place. 10k people here, almost no stores, cold as shit and short summers. It sux big time. Everyone knows everyone and I have a bad reputation that has stuck to me since I was a fat computer nerd. I guess much of my depression is because I live here, there is just nothing for me in this town anymore.
I just dont know what do to with my life, it feels like I am lost in life somehow. I hope it will turn better when I go to college and can study something I realy like and meet new people and just leave my old life behind. God knows I need it...
I dont want to have to eat pills to be happy, it is realy not a option for me. Im also a little skeptical(sp?) about going to a shrink. I dont know why realy, I guess its because I dont like to open upp to strangers(and still Im here talking about it on a board..). Its also because I know that sooner or later it would be all out on town that Im seeing a shrink and people would think even less of me...
thanks for the advices bro's, I realy need them!!

**rambo** · 03-16-2003, 03:24 AM

Hey man what your going through might not seem normal...
But alot of us, me included come from fucked up homes. I guess you have to realize something eventually and you have to do it on your own.

Fuck everyone else.

Johan, you said it yourself, you are funny, smart, and caring, and if other people don't see it, then they can go to hell. I don't want to come off as being an spiteful prick, but I used to think the same things you did. It's a confidence issue. If you try to be what other people want you to be it will be impossible for you to ever be satisfied. Don't change for other people, make them change for you. Ask any girl, confidence is a turnon. Not total cockiness, but a nonchalant-I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think attitude has been known to drop more panties than total insecurity. Once people realize how confident you are in yourself, they will feel obligated to respect you, because deep down people are scared of someone who doesn't bend to their opinion. Your dad was a cock, and that internet girl was a fucking cunt. They don't want you? Their fucking loss. Look at what you already know...you are smart, funny, kind, and if that's you in your avatar you have a great build, basically you are an all around awesome guy. You've just got to let all the good things sink in...

**roch** · 03-16-2003, 05:54 AM

nice to meet you bro. I myself was extremely depressed and was on all the medications. sorry to hear that you are going through it yourself. although your childhood was much worse than mine I think there is much to be gained from seeking help from a counselor or psychologist. It helps man. take care of yourself. its obvious you aren't in a good place right now, but please do hang on, time heals and so can you.

**nuke** · 03-16-2003, 06:55 AM

Johan,
Its all a cliche, but you MUST do whats best for Johan...
Thats it botom line.
If there is anyone else in your family that depends on this guy for nuturing you need to help them to.
18 yrs is a long time but you tomm is a new day bro !!!!!
Start fresh and dont end up in the same tube of life your dads in !

Good Luck Bro !

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-16-2003, 06:56 AM

Originally posted by rambo
Hey man what your going through might not seem normal...
But alot of us, me included come from fucked up homes. I guess you have to realize something eventually and you have to do it on your own.

Fuck everyone else.

Johan, you said it yourself, you are funny, smart, and caring, and if other people don't see it, then they can go to hell. I don't want to come off as being an spiteful prick, but I used to think the same things you did. It's a confidence issue. If you try to be what other people want you to be it will be impossible for you to ever be satisfied. Don't change for other people, make them change for you. Ask any girl, confidence is a turnon. Not total cockiness, but a nonchalant-I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think attitude has been known to drop more panties than total insecurity. Once people realize how confident you are in yourself, they will feel obligated to respect you, because deep down people are scared of someone who doesn't bend to their opinion. Your dad was a cock, and that internet girl was a fucking cunt. They don't want you? Their fucking loss. Look at what you already know...you are smart, funny, kind, and if that's you in your avatar you have a great build, basically you are an all around awesome guy. You've just got to let all the good things sink in...

I think that was the best advice I have heard in a long time. But I dont realy know how to make those changes to myself. I have always had realy rotten confidence(the major reason I started lifting weights)and old habits are hard to break I guess

I think the first steep I need to take is to just cut out all the assholes from my life that time after time makes me feel like shit. Screw them why the fuck should I care about them when they dont give me jack shit in return.

roch nice to meet you to bro. How did you manage to get out of your depression?

**Iron horse** · 03-16-2003, 06:58 AM

my life has felt like shit a lot especialy this past year.... I get up at 4:30 and take shit 10 hours a day from people i hate and have to listen to so i can get a paycheck...

what i did, i thought for months on how i could better my situation, im going back to college and getting a real job!

your situation of course isnt as basic, but if I were you I'd go out of my way to get into social gathering, I mean anything! any place with people, and bring your buddies along for support. maybe you'll meet a friend of a friend, and get to know them better. People either make or break your life!

one more thing, when i cant stand life, I put all my effort into lifting and gaining. my mind goes from being a robot all day, then i hit the gym and kick start my emoticions again. (maybe thats not a good thing? not sure)

key things, are focus on something big, lifting, good career, becoming social. if a friend says "want to go to so and so's for a beer?" say yes.
Im sure your buddies have friends to right? I met a lot of friends threw friends i already had.

professional help is also a good idea!

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-16-2003, 07:14 AM

Originally posted by Iron horse
my life has felt like shit a lot especialy this past year.... I get up at 4:30 and take shit 10 hours a day from people i hate and have to listen to so i can get a paycheck...

what i did, i thought for months on how i could better my situation, im going back to college and getting a real job!

your situation of course isnt as basic, but if I were you I'd go out of my way to get into social gathering, I mean anything! any place with people, and bring your buddies along for support. maybe you'll meet a friend of a friend, and get to know them better. People either make or break your life!

one more thing, when i cant stand life, I put all my effort into lifting and gaining. my mind goes from being a robot all day, then i hit the gym and kick start my emoticions again. (maybe thats not a good thing? not sure)

key things, are focus on something big, lifting, good career, becoming social. if a friend says "want to go to so and so's for a beer?" say yes.
Im sure your buddies have friends to right? I met a lot of friends threw friends i already had.

professional help is also a good idea!

Lifting has always been my place where I can feel good. Its one of the things that has keept me alive the latest years. I dont think I can focus on it anymore then I am right now..My big goal is to have abs this summer(something I never had because I have always been fat). I am already the biggest dude in my school by far(except for my lifting buddy), now I have to get into decent shape to!! I guess the best thing is to keep myself busy all the time so I dont think so much. Going out and grab a couple of drinks doesnt sound to bad to be honest...I dont have to get wasted to get to know people.
Your right people make or break your life and time for me to get rid of all the assholes that is just in the way for me.
Thanks bro's I acctualy feel pretty good right this moment. I hope I can keep my head upp....

**Aguro** · 03-16-2003, 10:56 AM

I have found out many trick to keep myself from depressing, i try to avoid anything negative it sound stupid, but anything that you dislike, you avoid it ex:tv news, news paper, war movie, depressing music, drug(steroid excluded) aggressive people, internet girlfriend (been there done it).. I know it not always possible, but there always a way to make it better... People who treats you bad.. Treats them like you would like them to treats you.. Be kind to everyone you meet it will always help you out in the long run. Find a job in witch you will work with people.Be true with them. People feel it if you arent acting cool with them for real.. I started to work at my local gym and it helped my confidence alot.. I used to think i wasnt very attractive and that everyone was worth more then me. I would never glance in someone eye without ending it by looking at the floor.. Working out helped me accept me the way i was and that cleared the confidence issue...Everyday you live, you can make the next day a better one.. You need to take action even if it small one to better up your situation.. Having it the hard way, either destroy you or make you stronger, the choice is up to you man, everyone who deceived you, fuel you to be stronger, a better person in your mind. The rest will come all by itself...

good luck bro you can do it

Remember, the more you surround yourself of good people/thing the better you will feel...

**Slypknot** · 03-16-2003, 08:32 PM

Bro your post really hit me... Me being 30 and going through a divorce I find myself in the same boat as you quite often. I surf the net looking for shit to try and cheer me up....and like you, I have tried to funnel all of these negative inner-emotions into one thing : Fixing physical stuff.

Like you I have always compared how I feel inside with how you look like you feel on the outside. I'd be out with friends and feeling like 'the loser/lonely' and I'd look around thinking all these guys have it MADE! I mean just look how happy they look! I forgot that I too had a smile pasted on, was cracking jokes and acting like I was having a good time. For all I know they might have felt the same way as I did!!

I've learned over the years (and still have to be reminded here and there) that inside pain requires fixing on the inside. Training is great and really helps boost that esteem and get the 'looks' - but it doesn't fix what ya feel inside. I've talked to bro's who have run cycles for years and they STILL think they're not good enough....big enough...etc. It's because of the filter they use to see themselves.

Another funny thing is although we think we hide it well, people can TELL that we have low self esteem just by how we act. Ever met the guy who tries too hard? That has done everything? That knows something about everything? That always looks down when making eye contact with someone? Bingo! It's an easy trait to read and especially when trying to get out and meet people.

First thing is to start paying attention to what you tell yourself all day long. I know when I do this I'm seriously shocked! If someone was standing beside me all day saying the shit to me that I do I'd kill em. Next, when ya catch yourself putting yourself down (which I'm sure you'll find you do often) reverse it! Yea, it's corny but not anymore corny than posting this shit on the internet...so try it. If ya hear that mind of yours ripping apart your non-ab-stomach tell yourself you've got a kick ass tummy already! You hear the voice bustin on ya because your clothes don't match/are fucked up switch it and decide to make your own clothing style....the list goes on and your smart enough to be creative. This type of 're-training' is classic and works.

Once you start this then start venturing out. Just like iron horse said - if you get invited out GO for God's sake!!!!!! I know for me when I am caught up in a depressive state I feel almost fear when thinking of going out in public with people...but if we follow that fear and stay in what do we gain? More personal depression time!

Another thing I started doing (which works very well by the way) is when ya first make eye contact with a lady and find that inner pull to look at the floor - before you do, smile at them...then look down or do whatever else your instincts tell ya. It's funny how it changes things. I mean think about how you would react if someone were to do the same to you... it makes a big diff even though it's a teeny thing.

Bottom line bro - CHANGE what you're doing because it's not working. If it was this post would not have happened. Take some suggestions, try some new behaviors rather than new diets...keep the focus on the inside where the growth needs to happen. I mean it seems rediculous to fix your bi's by meditating doesn't it? So why do we think if we feel depressed all the time we can workout our bi's and fix it? It's odd, but most of us do think this way from time to time.

Sorry - didn't mean to ramble... but this all helps me deal as well.

**rambo** · 03-16-2003, 09:01 PM

Good advice Slypknot.

**peam** · 03-16-2003, 10:07 PM

it's good to know I'm not the only depressed one...... so if it makes any difference to you .... you made me feel better in your trying to get things off your chest johan

**roch** · 03-17-2003, 03:54 AM

roch nice to meet you to bro. How did you manage to get out of your depression?

man it took lots of soul searching. tons of it. then I just grew up. weird huh? the stuff these guys are saying to you is pretty much dead on. be positive, re-program your thinking, maintain eye contact, and most of all who cares what other people think!!! you thats who. nobody else.

case in point:
I used to worry that my kids were bothering everyone else in a restaurant by being loud, and I would get on them and get really pissed off. my wife would say I'm being an ass to my kids. she was right. I was more worried about other people being offended then I was about hurting my own kids feelings. I reversed it by watching other peoples kids who were way louder than mine. I didn't seem to notice they were that loud, so they must not be that loud. I did want to be embarrased by my kids so i was an ass.

that was a more recent thing I noticed that stemmed from my trying to please others in high school. when I finally got through all this depression I turned into super asshole and tried to teach everyone manners wherever i went. that was stupid too.

best advice I can give you at 18? get to know yourself. what do you really like to do? whats your fav music? and i don't care what your friends like to do or listen to. I'm talking about you not giving a shit about what others think. get to know who YOU are. get rid of your friends if they don't support you. I went from many friends that were dicks to two that are always there for me. if you exude confidence you will attract the kind of friends you need. the no-bullshit kind of friends. hell I took my wife to a backstreet boys concert. got alot of guff for it but still don't care, since the concert was awesome!

good luck bro, pm me anytime.

**Kärnfysikern** · 03-17-2003, 03:54 PM

Slypknot your post makes sense. Hell Im going to try everything you say and I hope it will work in time. I thought about it today and I realy am putting myself down everyday, thinking Im to small, to uggly, to blablabla. I know its just bullshit butt still my mind insists on those thoughts, but from now on no more shit from my own mind!!

Rock everything your saying is also so true, the bottom line is people dont realy give a shit about one another. I always look at other people in a positive way and on myself in a negative way. But when I think deep about it people dont notice all the things I think about myself. Like I never smile wide because I have slightely yellow teeht(just slightely yellow, nothing special and just in my mind realy, the sucky thing is that it is my natural color and the dentist cant polish it away and they dont have time for bleeching). I guess it takes time to get rid of all the bad thoughts and clear room for the good ones. So I might as well beging right now

Originally posted by roch

best advice I can give you at 18? get to know yourself. what do you really like to do? whats your fav music? and i don't care what your friends like to do or listen to. I'm talking about you not giving a shit about what others think. get to know who YOU are. get rid of your friends if they don't support you. I went from many friends that were dicks to two that are always there for me. if you exude confidence you will attract the kind of friends you need. the no-bullshit kind of friends. hell I took my wife to a backstreet boys concert. got alot of guff for it but still don't care, since the concert was awesome!

good luck bro, pm me anytime.

I think getting to know who I am is something I have been doing the last 6 months or so. Before that I always wanted to be someone else so I could be "popular". The more I get to know myself the more I feel that I dont give a shit what anyone thinks....

Thanks for all the advices, has made me think alot. I hope things will get better for everyone else that is depressed because it realy is the worst thing there is...

**Cali** · 03-17-2003, 04:12 PM

Originally posted by johan

Your right people make or break your life and time for me to get rid of all the assholes that is just in the way for me.

That's a good start. Don't spend time with the people who make you feel inferior or unhappy in anyway. If you know of one person who is generally a good person and happy start spending more time with that person. Might not seem like it'll help, but you'll be surprised how much of a change you see in yourself. Look at the positive side of things. You're out of the house, you don't have to deal with your dad. As far as your mom dying, my mom died when I was 14, I know how bad it sucks. It takes a while before you really deal with it and realize you need to move on. Getting professional help isn't a bad thing or a sign of weakness. It can be a great way to have someone who is unbiased help you work through all of your feelings and just let you vent about things that are upsetting you.

Good luck!!

**Greatful_Dead_Head** · 03-18-2003, 01:03 AM

hope it's all going well at this point. professional advice is the way to go.... i'm 23 and just got diagnosed with "every single clinical sign of ADHD to such a serious degree" getting through school, college, job orientation, etc. was a tough enough journey without being tied down with depression. Just remember the Devil always gives his best first, God saves his best for last......

**FKITLETSGO** · 03-18-2003, 08:09 AM

I really feel for people who suffer from depression. I know it must be hard. I am usually happy even though tons of shit has went down lately. Im getting sued for a fight and a guy got put into a coma and also i am now awaiting criminal charges for smuggling controlled substances. I may get kicked out of college for this and might never get the job that I want but hell everything happens for a reason. Ill pull through this; always have and always will.......keep your head up bro it'll be ok listen to everyone's advice. And by no means get in trouble with the law. Damn the man..

**Special "K"** · 03-18-2003, 09:34 AM

Hey man,

I think a lot of people feel like you do at some point in their life. I'm not saying that what you're feeling isn't real; it is. The point I'm trying to make is that you aren't alone.

One thing you have to understand is that you're still very young. Some people figure out life early, others take a while. Your life is far from over...you have a lot of living left to do.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to be patient. Work on yourself before you try to involve other people in your life. Make sure you are the person you want to be first. It takes time; nothing happens overnight. However, if you work hard, you will turn around one day and find that you finally where you want to be in life. I promise you that it WILL happen.

Not to discourage you, but rather to encourage you...it took me 31 years to finally be comfortable in my own skin. Never give up.

Don't count out professional help. It helps if you have someone to talk to. You can skip this part, but if you don't start feeling better, or notice any improvement in your outlook, seriously consider it. There is no shame in trying to get help.

**my7169** · 03-18-2003, 11:10 AM

You are not the only one out there... we all have some thing that we are scared to face and deal with. But, you need to look at the postive things in life not the negative be happy with yourself first.

I am usually a happy person but alot of things have happened in the last week to myself and someone i care about deeply, it's hard to do but until he is willing to spend the time and effort clearing his head and figuring out what he needs in life me, nor my son, or daughter can see him, nor can we see his son right now and it is hard, very hard, it's just scary.

Sometimes people live their lives a certain way for so long that they are afraid to change anything. It is the uncertaintly of not knowing of what will happen down the road. Just take baby steps to get over those bumps in the road it sounds dumb but it does work. Do what is right for you to be happy, don't let things obstruct your road to happiness you are the only one in control of your destiny.

Good Luck!!

**Ozzy** · 03-19-2003, 05:11 AM

I hear ya bro.........I hadn't seen my children for 11 years and all I could do to keep from killing myself was drown my emotions in booze and drugs. DEFINITELY the wrong thing to do !! I fell fast and hard flat on my face. Today I'm recovering from that addiction and have 2 1/2 years clean and sober

I however was reunited with them the other day and it just goes to show you that ya never know how far from success you could be unless you trudge forward no matter how hard it is. I truly believe people who have struggled through life have far more character than those that had shit handed to them on a silver platter. I'm now as of lastnite looking to move out from my wife and get a divorce.....like "my7169 said , it's scary and different , but all will change in time and before you know it life will take on a whole new meaning. Bro , you can do this !! Keep your head up and stay away from negative people !! Good Luck and Godbless my friend

**TheGame826** · 03-20-2003, 01:05 AM

Johan you should watch the movie CastAway. For some reason it always helps me whenever i feel down. heres a line from the movie:

"One day logic was proven all wrong because the tide lifted, came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have *ice* in my glass. And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"