French War Synopsis _ FUNNY
The Complete Military History of France Gallic Wars - Lost. In
a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is
conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two
wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots Thirty Years War -
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that, eventually, the other participants started
ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but
claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over
to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first
taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second
Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due
to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear
designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy
to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with
a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The French have now banned fireworks displays at Euro Disney. Reason: After
last evenings fireworks display the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison
surrendered.
