**All You Fathers Out There... ** (HELP ME)

[taiboxa]

OK so here is the skinny... my awesome wife and i have separated for quite some time now.. lotsa reasons lol but the PRIMARY REASON is me.. and my role as a step father. I've never even had a puppy to take care of let alone a young human being. AND HOLY KRAP they require a lot more than just Food, Water, and a PuppyCrate... Anyways my wife suggested to me that i find Step fathers/fathers/n' the like and get some input and ideas from them on how to make parenting easier and better for a STEP FATHER and his Step Daughter.

My prob is i always try to Buy Love and Convenience i.e. "Oh Hey.. here lets get u this this and this.. so u can play these video games and these dolls n' leave me alone." lol but thats how i was raised.. my 3rd parent was a TV since both my true parents worked full time + and i was an only child so i had lotsa toys and vid games n' wat nots but not so much interaction.

ANYWAYS!!!! any and all INPUT will be GREATLY APPRECIATED.. for i am truly clueless in the parental aspect of life.. (i.e. im super selfish)

Thanks again Tai

p.s. C-Bino is a HOMO, Deca870717 is a boob, Barlow is a NEEDY BICH, DSM is actually Straight, Bryan2 is a Retailer for child labor products, and yet ODDLY enough FireGuy is actually legit.. Imagine that..

[Shol'va]

OK so here is the skinny... my awesome wife and i have separated for quite some time now.. lotsa reasons lol but the PRIMARY REASON is me.. and my role as a step father. I've never even had a puppy to take care of let alone a young human being. AND HOLY KRAP they require a lot more than just Food, Water, and a PuppyCrate... Anyways my wife suggested to me that i find Step fathers/fathers/n' the like and get some input and ideas from them on how to make parenting easier and better for a STEP FATHER and his Step Daughter.

My prob is i always try to Buy Love and Convenience i.e. "Oh Hey.. here lets get u this this and this.. so u can play these video games and these dolls n' leave me alone." lol but thats how i was raised.. my 3rd parent was a TV since both my true parents worked full time + and i was an only child so i had lotsa toys and vid games n' wat nots but not so much interaction.

ANYWAYS!!!! any and all INPUT will be GREATLY APPRECIATED.. for i am truly clueless in the parental aspect of life.. (i.e. im super selfish)

Thanks again Tai

p.s. C-Bino is a HOMO, Deca870717 is a boob, Barlow is a NEEDY BICH, DSM is actually Straight, Bryan2 is a Retailer for child labor products, and yet ODDLY enough FireGuy is actually legit.. Imagine that..

DSM has used that line on a lot of guys and scored more male boxes than the post office on a holiday.

[songdog]

Bro I am a lot like you.That was the way I was raised also we enertained ourselfs.Being a Marine I was gone often and when I got home it was MY TIME.Well 30 years later on 3rd marriage I decided to watch wat some of my friends did.They were active in their kids lives.They did all the ball games did movies and played games around the house.While I didnt go to their extreme I did give in.I did the movies went out to dinner.And it makes thinks a whole lot better.My stepson likes me better than his own dad.He always remembers me on fathers day Xmas my Birthday.He just went off to collage and I bought him a car.Not a expensive one beacuse I am out of work now.But he thought it was the best.I guess wat I am saying is you got to give if you want to get.And I mean your time your time is something money cant buy.

[scorpion62]

Alright mate there is not hand book for the right way to be a parent , the best way is to spend time with your kids, they will just take and take as is the way with kids,you never said what age group they are but spending time with them means more than any gift they get ,take them out swimming ,bowling, pictures, zoo ,camping ,outdoors works a treat .As I said tai just get involved in there lifes.You said that your parents worked full time most parents work fulltime now but still make family time weekends are that time thats how I did it it seems to have worked and I have five kids not so much kids now lol there all up and doing there thing not that it gets any easiers when there up but thats another thread good luck mate

[Swifto]

Good to see you here mate.

How old if the daughter?

[lovbyts]

I have a daughter who I raised mainly on my own (Her mother died when my daughter was 2) but she is 18 now. Step daughter is 6 now, 4 when we got together. I'm not sure what to say, I never though of them as being any different. I make time when I can nad other times I need some alone time. She is very sweet, affectionate, understanding (more than her mom LOL) and has not been a problem. Her mother does not seem to have a problem with anything either.

Maybe your wife is wanting you to do more so she can do less? It's not like you are ignoring her are you? Start small, a little reading of stories once or twice a week, go somewhere once in a while just the 2 of you and find some bonding time. I know it's hard for some guys because they seem to only bond or relate to boys but girls can be just as fun. Get her into a sport and support her with that also, be at all the games and even a coach or assistant coach if you are into that.

Yeah buying love is not a good thing, if they get use to that it will never end.

[alexISthrowed]

Not a father but I have a great dad. All you gotta do is try man. Make an effort to spend time with her. Take her too the zoo or to the movies or something, just spend time with her and have fun. Listen to her problems and offer her advice. Intimidate her boyfriends, but do it tastefully.

[stpete]

OK so here is the skinny... my awesome wife and i have separated for quite some time now.. lotsa reasons lol but the PRIMARY REASON is me.. and my role as a step father. I've never even had a puppy to take care of let alone a young human being. AND HOLY KRAP they require a lot more than just Food, Water, and a PuppyCrate... Anyways my wife suggested to me that i find Step fathers/fathers/n' the like and get some input and ideas from them on how to make parenting easier and better for a STEP FATHER and his Step Daughter.

My prob is i always try to Buy Love and Convenience i.e. "Oh Hey.. here lets get u this this and this.. so u can play these video games and these dolls n' leave me alone." lol but thats how i was raised.. my 3rd parent was a TV since both my true parents worked full time + and i was an only child so i had lotsa toys and vid games n' wat nots but not so much interaction.

ANYWAYS!!!! any and all INPUT will be GREATLY APPRECIATED.. for i am truly clueless in the parental aspect of life.. (i.e. im super selfish)

Thanks again Tai

p.s. C-Bino is a HOMO, Deca870717 is a boob, Barlow is a NEEDY BICH, DSM is actually Straight, Bryan2 is a Retailer for child labor products, and yet ODDLY enough FireGuy is actually legit.. Imagine that..

Is there a question?

[keep fightin]

Hey Tai! new member, first post. one year of TRT and 26th year of parenting, the fact that you are seeking answers shows that you are not a self-absorbed meat head.Time, as others have posted, is a precious gift. My kids have told me quantity trumps quality most of the time. If selfishness were like a training injury I bet you figure ways around it, do the same with your family, be thoughtful about it and you will be a great Dad..

[Knockout_Power]

Hey Tai, Im no father, but since mine was gone at such a young age, I had to raise 2 younger brothers while our mom was trying to work enough to keep 3 boys fed and a roof over our heads.

I'll start by saying, theres no one as selfish as a teenage boy so I know what you are saying about not knowing the best way to tackle this. I, however, at least had the advantage of raising 2 boys, so we could have a lot in common to work off of.

Raising a little girl (not sure the age) can probably be a little more difficult. Best thing I can say is try and find some common ground to work from. If she likes some kind of sport, play them with her. I know its not easy to enjoy doing some activity tha you probably have no interest in, but its the only way to bond.

DO NOT spoil her. Treating her well is ok, but you cant start problems with mommy by giving her everything that mom wont.

[lovbyts]

Hey Tai, Im no father, but since mine was gone at such a young age, I had to raise 2 younger brothers while our mom was trying to work enough to keep 3 boys fed and a roof over our heads.

I'll start by saying, theres no one as selfish as a teenage boy so I know what you are saying about not knowing the best way to tackle this. I, however, at least had the advantage of raising 2 boys, so we could have a lot in common to work off of.

Raising a little girl (not sure the age) can probably be a little more difficult. Best thing I can say is try and find some common ground to work from. If she likes some kind of sport, play them with her. I know its not easy to enjoy doing some activity tha you probably have no interest in, but its the only way to bond.

DO NOT spoil her. Treating her well is ok, but you cant start problems with mommy by giving her everything that mom wont.

Oh you mean that's a No no? LOL Yeah girls are good at going back and forth between mom and dad and dads are always the softy.

[Times Roman]

do you love your stepdaugher? or are you only making the effort to appease your awesome wife?

You need some alone time to think things through. My guess is you are using your step daughter to get to your wife?

You need to gain a genuine interest in your daughter. If you cannot figure out how to do that, then it is over.

So, put away your wallet, and grab a pen and some paper. The solution is activity based. Write down 5 things she will enjoy doing with you. Camping? Going to dinner and a show? Voluntering down at the animal shelter? This is father/daughter time. As time goes on, add other activities to the list. Road trip on the Harley? Ice Skating? Reading Stories at the old folks home? You will find that over time, a bond between you two will grow, one that your wife will notice. Now keep adding to the list... Take her to a Ballet? Father/Daughter spa treatment? (get over it.. it's for your daghter). Or how about you bring your daughter home some flowers and a small box of chocolate.

It's a shame I have to tell you how to treat your daughter right. It's also a shame you are not doing this for the right reason. But it's a start, and I wish you luck.

[Recusant]

My advice is to try to understand a child's psychology. My wife is a natural with kids - she understands them.

I struggle, because i don't understand them, i'm slowly getting better at it. Learn how they think: read.

[Recusant]

I have a daughter ... she is 18 now.

Is she hot? lol.

[Bryan2]

Lol ****in Tai

[BigBadWolf]

Is she hot? lol.

Are you stupid? Lol

[spywizard]

If not you to provide even a warped steady environment.. Who will???

What i'm saying is she can do alot worse, and if you are not in the picture, her life may be more fraught with danger than if you were...

that's how i feel about it..

[spywizard]

do you love your stepdaugher? or are you only making the effort to appease your awesome wife?

You need some alone time to think things through. My guess is you are using your step daughter to get to your wife?

You need to gain a genuine interest in your daughter. If you cannot figure out how to do that, then it is over.

So, put away your wallet, and grab a pen and some paper. The solution is activity based. Write down 5 things she will enjoy doing with you. Camping? Going to dinner and a show? Voluntering down at the animal shelter? This is father/daughter time. As time goes on, add other activities to the list. Road trip on the Harley? Ice Skating? Reading Stories at the old folks home? You will find that over time, a bond between you two will grow, one that your wife will notice. Now keep adding to the list... Take her to a Ballet? Father/Daughter spa treatment? (get over it.. it's for your daghter). Or how about you bring your daughter home some flowers and a small box of chocolate.

It's a shame I have to tell you how to treat your daughter right. It's also a shame you are not doing this for the right reason. But it's a start, and I wish you luck.

do this as well..

[tall76]

I'm a new dad- best advice is when ur hanging with her don't be thinking of work, bills, other problems u may have. Just spend time with her and actually be there mentally not just physically.

[wmaousley]

I'm a new dad- best advice is when ur hanging with her don't be thinking of work, bills, other problems u may have. Just spend time with her and actually be there mentally not just physically.

Beautifully said

[Times Roman]

my daughtr used to come sit with me in my recliner when i as watching the game. first it was on my lap, then she'd wiggle around untl her behind had made a space on the chair. then she'd getall huggy and chatty (remember, I'm trying to watch the Raider game), and soon enough, she'd ask me if we could watch some emily and dadda size (animal planet, or similar). So there I'd be, watching the Croc Hunter instead of my Raider game!? But my dtr loved it and my woman would smile at me cause she knows how important the Raider game is to me.

[lovbyts]

Is she hot? lol.

if I said yes that would be weird dont you think? LOL In my eyes she is still 6 of course. BTW I still keep my concealed weapons permit current and my Glock nicely oiled.
I'm also ugly but luckily she didnt get her looks from me, although people always say it's OBVIOUS she is mine...

My advice is to try to understand a child's psychology. My wife is a natural with kids - she understands them.

I struggle, because i don't understand them, i'm slowly getting better at it. Learn how they think: read.

Ive never understood this. Do people really forget what it was like being a kid or the things you though about, dreamed, fantasized, games you played etc? I remember everything like it was yesterday (OK it was and I still play) and have always been able to read kids pretty good.

[chemicalromance]

[QUOTE=Times Roman;5844696]do you love your stepdaugher? or are you only making the effort to appease your awesome wife?

You need some alone time to think things through. My guess is you are using your step daughter to get to your wife?

You need to gain a genuine interest in your daughter. If you cannot figure out how to do that, then it is over.

I would also ask if the problem with love is the fact that she is his STEP daughter rather than his biological daughter. Is he really capable of making this sort of connection with a child who is not his? I know that is really harsh but it may be what's wrong because i am gong through the same scenerio. I've been with a wonderful woman for 1.5 years who has a father-less son who is now 3.5 years old. So far, her son and I have a "professional" relationship. We dont love up on eachother, he looks absolutely nothing like me, we dont hug etc and rarely even sit with eachother. I just cannot make the leap to "showing" this kid love, but, this kid ALWAYS has to be around me. Everything I do he has to do.

I guess it would be harder if it were a girl but my girlfriend knows the relationship i have with her son. I told her you won't see the sensitive side of me with her son, but i want to be the one who sets the example, the one he will ask for advice to because he knows i will tell the truth. She is very happy about this because this kid has nobody to look up to and use as an example of what to do and its sad.

[Times Roman]

^ to CR
that's strange, but not unbelievable. Most 3.5yr olds crave attention. I am really good with kids (maybe I'll tell the story how I used to be a child portait photographer sometime). In my mind, it sounds like you have not reached out to this little one yet. The easiest/quickest way into a kids heart is if you become silly like a child also. Have you tried that yet?

[xelnaga]

^ to CR
that's strange, but not unbelievable. Most 3.5yr olds crave attention. I am really good with kids (maybe I'll tell the story how I used to be a child portait photographer sometime). In my mind, it sounds like you have not reached out to this little one yet. The easiest/quickest way into a kids heart is if you become silly like a child also. Have you tried that yet?

Great advice. Ive been working with kids for over a decade now. My biggest ice breaker is falling over myself ! In addition it helps to take the focus off yourself and the child and focus on an activity. Young kids*most* dont have the confidence to express themselves directly, but they can through toys and games.

[Times Roman]

my woman would cackle if she knew I told his story, more to it than the abbreviated verion here.

I used to have this chicken puppet when i was a photogapgher. for those kids that look like they could cry any second, first rule is to not make eye contact. second rule is to use an intermediary (mom) when tryng to get the kid to laugh. so..... my chicken frend would "get" the mom (not the kid). the kid would be so relievd that the chicken wasn't getting him, the laugh would come almost automatally. picture would come out great, and mom was VERY appreciatve. Got more dates with grateful moms...

yeah, that was one helluva job =)

[lovbyts]

I guess it would be harder if it were a girl but my girlfriend knows the relationship i have with her son. I told her you won't see the sensitive side of me with her son, but i want to be the one who sets the example, the one he will ask for advice to because he knows i will tell the truth. She is very happy about this because this kid has nobody to look up to and use as an example of what to do and its sad.

That is strange because at that age there is not much difference between boys and girls when it comes to affection. Little boys typically hug and kiss as much as girls. Once they get to 6+ they are a little more standoffish but mainly only in public, in front of other kids.

Oops, just saw TR post, didnt mean to repeat what he already said more or less. Like TR said it sounds like you need some bonding time, finding common ground and making him feel comfortable with you. You can give attention and still be a good example, advice giver and even the one to dish out the discipline when needed.

[Recusant]

Ive never understood this. Do people really forget what it was like being a kid or the things you though about, dreamed, fantasized, games you played etc? I remember everything like it was yesterday (OK it was and I still play) and have always been able to read kids pretty good.

My kids are 3 and 1. I don't remember that far back

[Times Roman]

My kids are 3 and 1. I don't remember that far back

I have a few fleeting memories, and one vivid memory when i was three.

depends on what the situation.

[lovbyts]

My kids are 3 and 1. I don't remember that far back

OK well at 3 and 1 your biggest problems are potty training and changing diapers. I have a few memories at around 3 also but limited. It's still not hard to figure out what a kid wants or likes.

[Ca$tro]

Mate, i am a new dad but have 2 nephews who i have brought up whilst my brother went back to university. The main thing is to listen to the child, understand what the child wants, and then give them time in various ways. I always created activities to do with my nephews and my daughter, take them bowling or take them to park, i have been down the route of buying them PSP's and DVD's to keep them busy but saw that this was affecting there mental growth and they were becoming lazy and out of shape. I work 6 days but on Sundays it's family time for me, take kids out first then once they are at home with mum i go and see the boys for some me time...

I dont know if anyone can tell you how to bring up or how to get closer to the child as this is a paternal instinct that develops over time. TIME is the key as many above have already suggested... I am still learning and go and see my old man for advice on certain things... No one will tell you an easy route to being a dad but good luck and hope things workk out for the best...