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  1. #1
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Alright guys, I require some emotional assistance/advice here...

    I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, as I don't want to bore people with a gigantic story. I don't do this frequently, but this is the only place I can come to in order to get some decent help from a community i'm well involved in. And at the moment something is going on that is ripping me apart inside and I don't know what exactly to do about it (or if there even is anything to do that will alleviate what i'm feeling).

    I've known a particular girl for about a year now (yeah, yeah, I know you're thinking "oh boy here's someone else's relationship problem / sob story" - no, that's not exactly what is going on here). We've grown pretty close over the last year (she's developed far more emotionally than me, but i'll get to that shortly). We are not an item. I don't have a girlfriend or a relationship, I don't want one. I told her this when we first met, I laid it out straight out to her and said take it or leave it. I work 3 jobs, and i'm in school - pre-med. I have so much on my plate that I have no room in my life for a romantic emotional relationship with anyone, even if I WANTED one (and I don't want one anyways). Hell, I have barely enough time for your average social life with friends. But i'm very happy with what I have and how things are, because i've made the conscious decision to have things this way.

    So, over the last year we hung out together, fooled around together, etc. and a lot more than that. I met her family! Her mom and dad fell in love with me instantly. Hell, I would drink with her dad once in a while and we'd chat about all kinds of things. It got to the point where he'd occasionally ask her "where is he, is he coming over tonight?" because he'd want to hang out with me! How strange is that for something that's not a 'officially' a relationship with a girl? Now, you know the usual story here... I kept my feelings in check, didn't let them go beyond a certain point, but she did. Yes, she's used the L word several times. I did not. She knew where things stood with me. She would go out of her way to do things for me, and make all kinds of loving gestures that I really did not feel the same in return. Sending me tons of emails telling me she misses me, making things for me, etc. Make no mistake, I shared some of the same emotions but nowhere near to the extent she did.

    Now, her mom... has Hepatitis C. A very bad case of it, with severe cirrhosis of the liver. A little over a year ago (before I was in the picture), she landed herself in the hospital but she slowly recovered from it. By the time I arrived on the scene, she was doing okay. She visibly looked unhealthy, but was making do. Myself, with my background in medical knowledge can't stand letting people suffer with things like this without giving my input on different methods to try and assist the elimination/recovery of the disorder. Unfortunately, this family is old-time Romanian and dead-set in their old ways. Of course, neither my female friend nor her mom would listen to anything I had to say or any of my suggestions. Throughout the last year her mom was going for those weirdo alternative Eastern medicine therapies (acupuncture, herbal teas, etc.) and you can obviously guess what I think of all that hokus pokus st I provided them with myriads of clinical studies and evidence to support the protocols I was suggesting to them... anyhow... Fast forward to a month and a half ago: her mom halts all treatments (even the few she was getting from mainsteam medicine). She falls into a very serious state of liver failure. The last I saw her mom was a month and a half ago, in about early July I think... her mom looked like a walking corpse. I knew when I saw her like that, she wouldn't last much longer. She was not functioning well, not eating anything, and I could visibly see that her body was retaining a good 40lbs of extra water... it was bad.

    About 3-4 weeks ago, my female friend goes on a vacation trip for a few weeks to Europe with a friend of hers. During this time, her mom's condition worsens and she lands herself in the hospital. There are talks of having a liver transplant, but they cannot get a new liver for her until September (remember, this is being determined a month ago). My friend gets back from Europe about 2 weeks ago. I'm so busy with my life that i'm losing track of time, and everything to me feels like its passing by at the speed of light. I got some texts from her where she finally tells me she's tired of keeping her hopes up that something will come out of this between us. She tells me that with everything that has been going on with her mom, the only person she wanted to run to was me, but i've been busy with my life and that she can't be upset about that, so she says "maybe its time I let this go". This is fine by me, I have no problems with this. I actually feel a sense of freedom here in knowing that she is coming to terms with what's been going on between her and I, I don't have to walk on eggshells with this situation any more. She tells me that she doesn't want to be the friend that I randomly kiss and randomly miss when i'm free for a few hours. She tells me that in a few weeks we can perhaps hang out again. She tells me that she's hurting tremendously and that its not just us, and that she doesn't want to sit there wishing today i'll come and just lay there with her even for 30 minutes, and she feels as though she's bringing sadness into my life with the mess that's happening with her family when I already have so much to deal with on my end. I notice she found a new guy when I see her relationship status change on facebook, as well as a few posts she makes referring to that. Her dad has a heart minor heart attack 1 week ago. Everything is falling apart.

    Her mom is now in very, very serious critical condition and they don't think she will make it to September for the liver transplant. I sent her a text this morning telling her that I hope her mom is doing ok, etc. and she told me that her mom almost hit a coma last night and almost died. She already has funeral arrangements planned out... and her mom's blood pressure is consistently dropping, and her liver is basically GONE. I told her to let me know if she needs anything, as busy as I am I want to help out any way I can. She told me that there is nothing that will help, as the doctors told her that her mom has maximum 2-3 days.

    And here I am, I have 5 days until a major exam for one of my courses, I have to study my ass off along with balancing all of my other jobs... and I haven't been to the hospital yet to see her mom. This has suddenly begun tearing me apart, I feel like i've abandoned this person at the worst possible time. If her mother hadn't been on the verge of dying, this whole situation regarding her 'coming to terms' with me and letting me go would be no problem for me. This is insane... for the short period of time I met and spent time with her family, her mom treated me like a son. I feel like the worst person in the world, almost as though its my fault and i'm just throwing gasoline onto a fire. I know that sounds insane. I don't know what to do. I can't even study for my exam properly with the little time I have to do so, I feel like shit. I've been crying over this myself.

    As an aside: guys, don't take your liver for granted. I'm seeing for myself what a destroyed/damaged liver does to a person, and when they neglect it. It is not a pleasant way to go...
    Last edited by Atomini; 08-20-2012 at 12:36 PM.

  2. #2
    gixxerboy1's Avatar
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    I would go see her mom. Even if you stay for a half hour its something. Your able to take some time and post on here. Take an hour and drive to the hospital. Hell she is probably in icu and you cant even see here. But atleast show up for the family. Even if you arent in a relationship with the girl she is a friend so i would do that
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  3. #3
    Razor is offline Banned
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    Man what mess, i don't even know what to say...but sorry your going through this!!!! Your gonna be okay though, just take one day at a time and make the right decisions everyday, that's what counts. Good luck will come back to you I know it, your a great man and you have a great future ahead of you with medical school and a great career after that as well.

  4. #4
    Gaspari1255 is offline Anabolic Member
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    Go visit her mother for a half hour or so. If not, it will haunt you the rest of your life.

  5. #5
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    My gf's mom died of cancer last year. Very sad seeing her condition worsen daily. I went to see her mom when they took her of chemo and brought her her favorite flowers, which were yellow roses. Just doing something like that made her moms day, even though she died very shortly after. If you know what hospital she is at then go by with some flowers and a card. Make her day cus there may not be a tomorrow for her.

  6. #6
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    damn, i don't know where to begin. first of all, you put yourself in the situation by keeping 'some' kind of relationship with her, so keep that in mind. you seem like a caring person so this really bothers you to see someone's mother/father on his/her death bed. you have to make the decision whether or not you want to be there for her, and in her life. going visit or sending flowers or a card wouldn't hurt. you definitely got yourself in a pickle!

  7. #7
    JD250's Avatar
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    Dude.....I can tell the level of stress in your life is high right now, that's why you feel the way you do, we are all like that to some extent when we get stressed. You even said it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for her parents health issues.......those aren't your fault!!!! You didn't abandon her either, I don't know if you see this or not but SHE politely and very sneakingly broke up with you.....period. I'm sure she is tore up about her parents but she used that in a manipulative way to break up with you so she could see her new man without so much guilt.

    My advice........forget it all, leave it behind you and concentrate FULLY on your exams and education.......you don't want to sacrifice your future for a woman who is that self centered.......she should have been straight up with you and not use her moms health as a reason to end your relationship. Take care of yourself and your future, there are other women out there who are more mature.

  8. #8
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    Here is the deal man....

    It's all about weighing out priorities. Do you want this chick to stay in your life? If the answer is "no" then go about your business and focus on your life and the goals you have. If your answer is "yes" then you make time, even if it's a 15 minute visit to either the hosiptal or her family's house. You let her cry on your shoulder for those 15 minutes and be the rock she needs. If this is ripping you apart then the answer to the above question is definitely a yes. If you don't make minimal effort I can promise you this will haunt you for the rest of your life. People like this young lady really don't come around too often and although you're not ready for her, you need to keep her close. If she really cares about you and wants to "be with you" then she will understand your workload and the future you're going to have when you're finished with school. Make a sacrafice now and reap the benefits later......both of you! She needs you and when this is all over explain you need time and you would love for her to understand that and support you through all your schooling. Ultimately you know what to do but you're on here looking for justification. Be her rock!!

  9. #9
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JD250;6122***
    Dude.....I can tell the level of stress in your life is high right now, that's why you feel the way you do, we are all like that to some extent when we get stressed. You even said it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for her parents health issues.......those aren't your fault!!!! You didn't abandon her either, I don't know if you see this or not but SHE politely and very sneakingly broke up with you.....period. I'm sure she is tore up about her parents but she used that in a manipulative way to break up with you so she could see her new man without so much guilt.

    My advice........forget it all, leave it behind you and concentrate FULLY on your exams and education.......you don't want to sacrifice your future for a woman who is that self centered.......she should have been straight up with you and not use her moms health as a reason to end your relationship. Take care of yourself and your future, there are other women out there who are more mature.
    I saw that, and though I disagree with the claims of her being manipulative, I do see this situation with her mother as being a prime moving factor in her decision to let go of her hopes of me. This is understandable to me, and i'm not affected by it. Strange/extreme circumstances cause people to act upon things they wouldn't normally do so if those circumstances did not exist. I am GLAD she is moving on from me. She shouldn't have to obsess over trying to make some sort of a future with someone like me who is not looking for emotional relationships or attachments. That's no skin off my teeth, and i'm glad about that. But its the other simultaneous circumstance in this situation (her mom dying) that is the factor that has REALLY smashed the pressure on me. Without that, i'd be on my merry way quite happy...

  10. #10
    Razor is offline Banned
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    Remember you on gear, tren and other stuff. Dont let your emotions or this situation get the best of you..get the best of them...slow your mind and thinking...think then act clearly and you can make it through this.

  11. #11
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Situation update:

    I CAN'T SEE HER!! I picked up on myphone and was about to cancel my first 3 clients today to make time to head to the hospital to see her mom.

    I get a text from her telling me that her mom doesn't want ANYONE to see her aside from her daughter and husband. She told me this could be a waiting game for 3 days, and now apparently they're setting up a hospital bed back at her home because her mom wants to be moved home.

    So anyways, her mom doesn't want anyone to see her...

  12. #12
    gearbox's Avatar
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    sounds like you are emotionally attached more then you thought or want to be at the moment. Yes I would drop by and say good bye and even explain that your sorry to her for not being there for her during this difficult time. lie a little is not bad if your making someone feel better

  13. #13
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    well you tired, that is all you can do!

  14. #14
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Razor View Post
    Remember you on gear, tren and other stuff. Dont let your emotions or this situation get the best of you..get the best of them...slow your mind and thinking...think then act clearly and you can make it through this.
    I know... trying to remain level headed here. This only really started hitting me very hard last night and today its really bad.

  15. #15
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Got another text:

    "She's really in a lot of pain and she made me promise no one would see her that way"



  16. #16
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    goto the hospital. its just respectful. Unfortunately things are going to happen when your busy. She is a friend you have known for a while. Even if you dont see her mom, im sure the family will appreciate it.
    If people can't tell your on steroids then your doing them wrong

  17. #17
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    You should still go see the father man. Thats his wife. You said the 2 of you used to drink and chat, sounded like yall were cool. I imagine he could use a friend right now too.
    Ima "man's man" and Im all about holding the weight of the world on my shoulders and nvr complaining, but if my wife were dying like that, Id want as much support as I could get.

  18. #18
    RaginCajun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atomini View Post
    Got another text:

    "She's really in a lot of pain and she made me promise no one would see her that way"



    you have to respect the woman's wishes. send her some flowers or something to that nature

  19. #19
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    Go there and text your girl from the waiting room. You can still give her a hug and not go in her mom's room!!

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atomini View Post
    Got another text:

    "She's really in a lot of pain and she made me promise no one would see her that way"


    I agree 1st with kkeping your emmotions in check...remember your running what? 800 mg week tren . I know that shit makes me an emotional wreck sometimes.
    2nd grab some flowers for her mom and a cpl cold ones fer her dad...do the right thing, go see her and get your self the closure it is obvious you need. Then move on with no regrets!

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunk1 View Post
    I agree 1st with kkeping your emmotions in check...remember your running what? 800 mg week tren . I know that shit makes me an emotional wreck sometimes.
    2nd grab some flowers for her mom and a cpl cold ones fer her dad...do the right thing, go see her and get your self the closure it is obvious you need. Then move on with no regrets!
    Sounds pretty good. From my experience, if you dont get that closure..... It will haunt you forever friend.

  22. #22
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Jesus Christ, this sounds like hell.

    I've been texting her over and over saying anything and trying any way I can to see SOMEONE, I got this just now:

    "I'm not at the hospital at the moment. I'll probably be there in an hour when they get ready to move her. My dads crying and all. The nurses are crying. I think they all just wanna be left alone."

    I'm not going to just 'show up'. I did that once before years and years ago when an extended family member was sick and it didn't turn out so well. I have to respect their wishes at this time. I was supposed to be studying this morning, no way that's happening now, I can't think at all and I have to go to work in a half an hour. Feels like there's not much else I can do. The most I can do is have flowers mailed to the house (since that's where they're moving her now apparently) or something...

  23. #23
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Thanks for all of the suggestion and input by the way, guys... I appreciate it.

  24. #24
    Rwy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gixxerboy1 View Post
    I would go see her mom. Even if you stay for a half hour its something. Your able to take some time and post on here. Take an hour and drive to the hospital. Hell she is probably in icu and you cant even see here. But atleast show up for the family. Even if you arent in a relationship with the girl she is a friend so i would do that
    Well said.

    Just remember because you have laid shit out for her doesnt mean you are not sending mixed signals about a relationship. If a girl likes you she is going to travel down that road regardless.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atomini View Post
    Thanks for all of the suggestion and input by the way, guys... I appreciate it.
    Im sure I speak for everyone when I say No problem homie!

    Sounds like ur "friend" is just trying to be difficult honestly. I went through a very similar situation. Finally I said "**** it, Im going." The worst they could do is tell you leave, b ut at least you'll know you tried.

    I still say if you dont go for any other reason, at least go see the husband/father.

  26. #26
    Rwy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrMayhem View Post
    Im sure I speak for everyone when I say No problem homie!

    Sounds like ur "friend" is just trying to be difficult honestly. I went through a very similar situation. Finally I said "**** it, Im going." The worst they could do is tell you leave, b ut at least you'll know you tried.

    I still say if you dont go for any other reason, at least go see the husband/father.
    No offense but this is advice from a boy not a man.

    A girls mother is dying and you are saying she is being difficult? Use your head.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atomini View Post
    Thanks for all of the suggestion and input by the way, guys... I appreciate it.
    You are not going to be wrong no matter what decision you make because it's a damned if ya do damned if ya don't situation. Just make sure you get that closure after word buddy. Have that cold beer with dad, go to and send flowers to the funeral, a nice card to your your friend and consider that chapter in the book closed.

  28. #28
    Atomini's Avatar
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    "They might put her in a transplant tonight/tomorrow. Maybe I should just keep you updated."

    I really hope they found her a matching donor... sounds too good to be true if one month ago they were saying they wouldn't have a liver for her until September. They required someone with O- blood type I believe.

  29. #29
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunk1 View Post
    You are not going to be wrong no matter what decision you make because it's a damned if ya do damned if ya don't situation. Just make sure you get that closure after word buddy. Have that cold beer with dad, go to and send flowers to the funeral, a nice card to your your friend and consider that chapter in the book closed.
    I'm not considering her mom to be dead until she IS dead. I've received word that her mom is apparently doing much better now, and there is a chance of the transplant happening almost immediately. I would feel much better closing this chapter WITHOUT the background event of her mom dying. This doesn't need to end with a funeral and someone in a box. I understand what you're telling me though, but without some hope we're all doomed.

    Latest texts:

    "Listen like, this is a huge mess to be dragged into. Don't apologize we all have our problems and worries. Apparently she's doing much better."

    "Her specialist is finally there. I can explain everything in detail on the phone later or something. I'm sorry if I hurt you with the things I said a few days ago."

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rwy View Post
    No offense but this is advice from a boy not a man.

    A girls mother is dying and you are saying she is being difficult? Use your head.
    I see your point. I am young, so yea, I might make a few mistakes or word things wrong. I still have a lotta growing to do and I'll be the 1st to admit that, but You dont have to insult me man. Thanks.
    And maybe saying that shes being difficult wasnt right, but everyone seems to be focusing on the girl, when Im sure the father and the rest of the family would find comfort in someone dropping by to pay their respects.

  31. #31
    Lunk1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atomini View Post
    I'm not considering her mom to be dead until she IS dead. I've received word that her mom is apparently doing much better now, and there is a chance of the transplant happening almost immediately. I would feel much better closing this chapter WITHOUT the background event of her mom dying. This doesn't need to end with a funeral and someone in a box. I understand what you're telling me though, but without some hope we're all doomed.

    Latest texts:

    "Listen like, this is a huge mess to be dragged into. Don't apologize we all have our problems and worries. Apparently she's doing much better."

    "Her specialist is finally there. I can explain everything in detail on the phone later or something. I'm sorry if I hurt you with the things I said a few days ago."
    My bad man. I had the impression for some reason that things were nearing the end. My apologies. I will change my advise then if i still may offer some? Tell her you really want to be there fer her and her family and that you would like to come and see them if and drop off some things. If she says yes then bring some flowers and perhaps a few snack items or reading material. If she still refuses then tell her that you understand and that her and her family are in your thoughts and prayers and that you are there for them. Then concentrate on YOU!!!!!

  32. #32
    Atomini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lunk1 View Post
    My bad man. I had the impression for some reason that things were nearing the end. My apologies. I will change my advise then if i still may offer some? Tell her you really want to be there fer her and her family and that you would like to come and see them if and drop off some things. If she says yes then bring some flowers and perhaps a few snack items or reading material. If she still refuses then tell her that you understand and that her and her family are in your thoughts and prayers and that you are there for them. Then concentrate on YOU!!!!!
    Not a problem, I wasn't getting angry with what you said. Things did/do look like they're nearing the end. I don't have 100% information on what's going on... I just know what she's updating me on, and it sounded to me too only a couple hours ago like her mom was going to die within a matter of days. This was only a matter of a couple of hours ago! Now it sounds like there is a chance her mom will possibly make it through this IF everything surrounding the liver transplant is arranged. Even then, we never know what could happen in the short time before the transplant, or during, or after. I do know that with Hepatitis C patients, liver transplants only extend life expectancy to 1-3 years after a succesful transplant (it depends on how well they take care of their new liver as well). Some survive for a lifetime if they take proper care, and others don't. If her mom comes through this recovering well, I really hope they'll listen to me concerning my advice on proper liver care.

    Truth be told, her mom was doing very stupid things in the midst of her condition. Her mom smokes cigarettes, she would drink a bit of alcohol here and there (complete abstinance from alcohol is a must for Hep C patients for obvious reasons, you can't screw around with even a drop of wine 'here and there'), and the worst thing she did was give up and quit her treatments.

    Anyways, i'm trying as best I can to try and be there for them but they just want to be left alone at this point in time.

  33. #33
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    Well Bro I wish you well and hope you figure things out.But I think you really like her but dont want any relationship stress while you are trying to go thru school.Good luck

  34. #34
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    She dumped you for another guy, you don't REALLY want to be emotionally attached anyways......go visit and be respectful but don't let all the emotions drag you back into a mess that you don't need, SHE has a boyfriend other than you.....be careful. Regardless of the mothers situation this girl still went out and found another guy, my guess is , while you were still dating.

  35. #35
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    I tend to agree with gearbox. It sounds like you're attached to this girl emotionally more so than you intended to be or wanted to be and I'm not saying that's a bad thing either. You two shared, at least from the sound of your story, all the typical things people share in a relationship. You may have very well told her you didn't want this to really go anywhere, that you just wanted to be friends, but the actions of your relationship didn't hold to that at all by any means. There are a bazillion people lying in beds dying all over the place, but you feel bad about this one because you have an emotional investment with this girl and her family. It may have been one you didn't intend to make, and no one really ever intends to make that kind of investment, but that's exactly what happened.

    What you should do next, no one here can give you the perfect answer. I do think though that there are very few things in life if any that are as important as those people we care for in our lives. Work, school, gym personal goals, etc. none of that is as important in the grand scheme of things. Most of us tend to put a level of over importance on those other things out of a desire to feel better about ourselves, increase our self-worth in our own eyes and so on, and often without even realizing we're doing it all the while damaging the important and sometimes rare things we have in our life. Anyway, that's my opinion.

  36. #36
    Lunk1's Avatar
    Lunk1 is offline aka "JOB"
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atomini View Post


    Anyways, i'm trying as best I can to try and be there for them but they just want to be left alone at this point in time.
    Well..with that being said. The only thing you CAN do is respect the families wishes. You should be able to find some peace of mind knowing that you made every attempt and that she knows you were there for them. Go abot your business, shut off the phone and the steroid forum and get that studying done!

  37. #37
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    SEOINAGE is offline Anabolic Member
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    Hey man, it sounds like you work really hard, and I commend you for that. Just be careful not to let it get too in the way of living your life to the fullest. I'm glad you are trying to do what you can to be there for all of them, sounds like you need it too. Hope she starts to really do better.

  38. #38
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    Atomini is offline Banned
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    Well, I got a lot more studying done today than I thought I was going to get done!! Before I left for work, she told me that her mom isn't even allowed any visitors right now at the hospital anyways. Told me she wants to meet and talk about everything sometime, but that would be a matter of days. I've got an exam in 5 days I need to study for, and I need a clear head.

    Back home from work now, finished up some more studying, and I think I am just going to chill out and relax, I think i'll sit here and watch some xmen cartoons from the 90s that I downloaded... just take it easy. I've got an early morning tomorrow too. I appreciate the input from you all!

  39. #39
    Razor is offline Banned
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    Atomi, your a great guy man you helped me through so much and you dont even know me from Adam. So I know how much more you would be there for those you love. Keep your head up man

  40. #40
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    lovbyts is offline Knowledgeable Member
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    Sounds like a mess. Sounds like she is still clinging to you and needs someone more emotionally than anything else? You still have to think about #1 and do what you need to do. Dont let your life fall apart because of what is going on and dont get sucked in if it's not where you want to be. It may sound harsh but bottom line it's your future and goals you have to consider. They made their own choices and it sounds like some not to good.

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