A very sad and difficult realization...

[gbrice75]

I'm not even sure where to begin. This is something that has been decades in the making, has consumed so much of my time and energy, and yet my thoughts are still so scattered. I'll try my best to keep it brief and concise...

I've recently come to the (conscious and deliberate) conclusion that I no longer love my mother. It deeply saddens me just to type that, because as a child, i was *very* close with her. But, over the years she has pushed me away to a point where the only feelings I have for her are now are disgust, contempt, and pity.

Simply put, she is a sick woman. Nothing I type here will make any of you realize just how severe and deep rooted any of these points I'm about to make are, they'll probably sound trivial to you. You may think "hell, we all deal with that". I promise you friends, this is on a level that I'm willing to bet most of you have never experienced. I'm being sincere when I tell you that she should be committed to a mental health institution, or at the very least, be put on an aggressive drug regimen to see if there is any hope for her.

- severe abandoment issues. I won't go into the history here (unless requested), but suffice it to say there is good reason for this. However, this manifests itself as: 'I'm not considered. Nobody thought of me. I'm second best. I get thrown a bone. Nobody thinks about me. I'm poorly treated' ... and on and on.

- overly confrontational. You heard the term 'choose your battles' - well, she evidently hasn't. EVERYTHING is an issue, and it's a constant onslaught, often with the items I listed above. e.g. "you bring Matty (my son) to Edie's (my wife) parents all the time, but you never bring him to see me (which isn't true). Things like this are BEATEN TO DEATH.

- Psychotic behavior. She EXPLODES on people, and I mean like a lunatic - fvck fvck fvck, making a huge scene, screaming, etc. From big things right down to trivial shit, she does this to EVERYONE. She has literally ailenated everyone in her life at one time or another. That is to say, these observations and feelings aren't just my own - everyone I've spoken to in private feels the same. Difference is, they won't be honest with her because it's not worth the (winless) battle (which I'm finally starting to learn)

To elaborate on the above - every single relationship - romatic and platonic alike - has ended in a huge blow up, police involvement, threats, violence. The stories I could tell...

- Accepts NO responsibility. She is never wrong, EVER. Any apology made is immediately followed by a "but". Probably for the reasons below...

- delusional. I mean, extremely. When I point all this shit out to her (which I've done countless times, with words (verbal and email/text, whatever form the 'argument' is taking place in at any given moment), the words I've used couldn't be more succinct, descriptive, quite literally pouring my heart (and frustration) out - and it has gotten us NOWHERE. Literally, not a single step further towards a healthier relationship. Why? Because she doesn't think or realize any of this is true. I have told her that every single relationsihp has ended terribly and she has problems with everyone in her life and that's not normal. She'll literally just say "no I don't. I don't have problems with anybody". I mean, it's ridiculous. What I'm stating is FACT; she's simply denying it, and what's worse, is she BELIEVES it. I'd rather deal with a liar than somebody who's delusional. She won't get help because she doesn't think/realize she needs it!! How do you help somebody like this!?!?!

Man, I could go on and on. I'm already getting very scattered so I'll end it at that. There is SO much more, we haven't even scratched the surface.

I have argued, and talked, and debated, etc. until I'm blue in the face. I am FINALLY, at almost 38 years of age, coming to realize my only course of action is avoidance, if I'm to keep my sanity. Unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), she loves (and is very good with) my son, and he loves her dearly, so I won't be selfish and take that way from either of them. If he weren't here, I probably would have cut off all contact with her at this point.

Here's what really makes it all the more difficult - she is a very caring, giving person. She will go out of her way to help you, give to you, etc. and this just plays into her defense when all the day to day issues are cited. She thinks she's a wonderful person and doesn't see all of the other stuff. Her heart is often in the right place, but how she goes about it all and conducts herself is the issue.

To sum this up - she's great with kids and was a very good mother, she was everything to me (I didn't grow up with my father, and had no siblings). However, she simply cannot get along with adults, at all, and I was no exception once I reached adulthood. Of course, it's just me - I'm terrible to her, etc. That's how she see's it. The little boy in me still loves his mother very much, but the adult I am today doesn't even know who this woman is - but it's nobody I would ever associate with if I had the choice - unfortunately, we're bonded by blood.

Ask any questions you want guys, answering questions might help keep me on track, lol. I feel my BP raising just typing all this out.

[marcus300]

That's very sad to even write those words GB,

Can I ask how would you feel if she died?

[bass]

sorry to hear bro. from your comments she doesn't seem like a bad person, maybe a little self-absorbed and some selfishness on her part. often these attitudes (your mom) develop due to bad experiences, abuse, etc... I am sure you have already, but maybe try to find out if she was hurt by anyone! sounds like you are a good man G, and a good son and good dad. just focus on that and don't let anything drag you down. love your mom unconditionally, you don't have to like her, just love here, and let her know that you do love here. I sincerely hope things get better for your family especially your mom.

[gbrice75]

That's very sad to even write those words GB,

Can I ask how would you feel if she died?

Absolutely. I'm a very open, honest person. As such, there's nothing you can ask me that I won't answer or that would offend me. To answer your question...

Mixed feelings. On one side, I'd be VERY sad. I don't wish her any harm, I don't hate her, and wouldn't want to see anything bad happen to her. She's still my mother. Even more important to me these days is that she's my sons grandmother, and they are very fond of eachother. I would hate to see that bond broken (although I know eventually she'll fvck things up with him too, when he's old enough...).

At the same time, I must be honest with myself and say that there would be a feeling of relief. She is responsible for SO much undue stress in my life... I live a very simple life, don't bother anybody (exact opposite of her, much more like my father), generally have no problems with people (and that's the truth, not a delusional response like hers when she claims the same), etc. My life would be much more 'simple' if she weren't in it. Sad, but true.

sorry to hear bro. from your comments she doesn't seem like a bad person, maybe a little self-absorbed and some selfishness on her part.

Spot on Bass. VERY self-absorbed and selfish, when it comes to her. Like I said - not selfish in the way of not helping others, quite the opposite - she's EXTREMELY generous and giving, of her time, advice, etc. But when it comes to her, she's very wrapped up in herself.

often these attitudes (your mom) develop due to bad experiences, abuse, etc... I am sure you have already, but maybe try to find out if she was hurt by anyone!

Spot on again. Remember that abandoment issue I mentioned earlier? Her father upped and left when she was very young, started a new family, lived in a beautiful home in an affluent area while my mother and 2 uncles lived in severe poverty. She still had contact with her father and had to see this, go over to their beautiful house and see how her half-sister lived (pink room, teddy bears, etc. ) as compared to her tiny apartment with cracks in the walls and no food in the fridge. Unfortunately (for everyone), she was never able to resolve any of those issues (in her head or otherwise) and as a result, every person she deals with becomes a target.

sounds like you are a good man G, and a good son and good dad. just focus on that and don't let anything drag you down. love your mom unconditionally, you don't have to like her, just love here, and let her know that you do love here. I sincerely hope things get better for your family especially your mom.

Thanks for your kind words brother. I try to be a good man and a great dad, my son is number one and I actually do thank her, because what she's put me through over the years has allowed me to clearly see what NOT to do with my son. I find it so tragic that I feel the way I do considering how close we were when I was a kid. I NEVER want to push my son away the way she has done to me. It would kill me. She says it kills her, how I feel (she basically knows), yet still can't see herself in order to correct it. I feel a wits end; there's nothing more I can do to help, this is 100% on her.

[marcus300]

Thanks for being honest GB but from what you have written she doesn't sound like a bad person and she hasn't done any serious harm to you, she may well be poorly and need some kind of therapy but I think your Mother needs your love.

Best of luck mate

[gbrice75]

Thanks for being honest GB but from what you have written she doesn't sound like a bad person and she hasn't done any serious harm to you, she may well be poorly and need some kind of therapy but I think your Mother needs your love.

Best of luck mate

Thanks big man, and I agree with you. Honestly, I do try to love her, but I've come to the conclusion that dealing with her is impossible. Every single approach I've taken has always ended the same way. In other words, realizing that she won't change, I've tried to change myself (although I don't feel I'm even a small part of the problem, it's all her) and still haven't gotten anywhere.

The only harm she's done to me is emotional. She doesn't mean it, doesn't realize she's done it, but it's taken it's toll on me, and I have to look out for myself and my family (wife and son) before anybody else, including her.

Sadly, I have no doubt whatsoever that she will die a very lonely, unhappy woman. No man will or can stay with her. It's impossible. The last guy she was serious with wound up punching her in the face (through a pillow). You think I'd be outraged, right? I'm not (and of course, I'm a terrible son because of this). I know that if ANYBODY could get a man to hit a woman, it's that woman. She provokes and dares you. She backs you into a corner. She's the kind of woman that, in the heat of a fight, will say "go ahead, hit me you fvcker, I dare you" and then spit in your face. I'm sure she deserved the punch, and thensome.

[bass]

well G, from your responses sounds like you do love her unconditionally, that my friend make you a bigger man than anyone can hope for. I know why you wrote this and glad you did, its a huge burden to carry when something is bothering you and you keep it inside. remember G, you can't save the world, you can only do your best to live in peace with your loved ones, and it seems you're doing just that.

[marcus300]

Thanks big man, and I agree with you. Honestly, I do try to love her, but I've come to the conclusion that dealing with her is impossible. Every single approach I've taken has always ended the same way. In other words, realizing that she won't change, I've tried to change myself (although I don't feel I'm even a small part of the problem, it's all her) and still haven't gotten anywhere.

The only harm she's done to me is emotional. She doesn't mean it, doesn't realize she's done it, but it's taken it's toll on me, and I have to look out for myself and my family (wife and son) before anybody else, including her.

Sadly, I have no doubt whatsoever that she will die a very lonely, unhappy woman. No man will or can stay with her. It's impossible. The last guy she was serious with wound up punching her in the face (through a pillow). You think I'd be outraged, right? I'm not (and of course, I'm a terrible son because of this). I know that if ANYBODY could get a man to hit a woman, it's that woman. She provokes and dares you. She backs you into a corner. She's the kind of woman that, in the heat of a fight, will say "go ahead, hit me you fvcker, I dare you" and then spit in your face. I'm sure she deserved the punch, and thensome.

I think you need to look at yourself how you handle situations like this mate, not having a go but your her son she deserves to be loved unconditionally except in certain situations and I really don't think your is nowhere near them. Have a word with yourself mate give yourself some distance between you and your Mother but please don't stop loving her.

[gbrice75]

well G, from your responses sounds like you do love her unconditionally, that my friend make you a bigger man than anyone can hope for. I know why you wrote this and glad you did, its a huge burden to carry when something is bothering you and you keep it inside. remember G, you can't save the world, you can only do your best to live in peace with your loved ones, and it seems you're doing just that.

Thanks Bass, you *really* seem to get me here, I mean it. I do carry this around with me, it IS a huge burden, and I do hate it. Getting it out here does help, because my wife is the only other one I talk to who has seen this first hand and knows exactly how I feel.

I think you need to look at yourself how you handle situations like this mate, not having a go but your her son she deserves to be loved unconditionally except in certain situations and I really don't think your is nowhere near them. Have a word with yourself mate give yourself some distance between you and your Mother but please don't stop loving her.

I don't want to use the cop out "I love her, but don't like her" but I guess that's as close as it's gonna get right now. Trust me when I tell you brother, that I have thought long and hard about this. For YEARS. I've labored over this, these feelings about my mother don't sit well with me but I cannot ignore them, deny them, that would be lying to myself and that's not what I'm about.

If there is ANYTHING to be salvaged, the only approach I know right now is to keep my distance. I still bring my son over there, I still do things for her, help her with things in her house, etc. I do all the things I'm "supposed" to do, but honestly, she makes it near impossible for me to love her in an outwardly way.

[JJ78]

GB-

I have a family member that has some serious issues as well. My only brother.

I dont know if this will work in your case, but I find it best not to feed the fire.

I just avoid discussing anything that I know will trigger.
He lives in a different state, but when I am around him I try not to go out in public or go out drinking, because almost everytime he will blow up on someone. Now, a lot of times I can see why he has a problem with people, but most rational people will walk away and not say anything, and not cause a huge scene that sometimes comes to violence.

Dont shut her out, it will only make it worse, just try to be as nonconfritaional (SP) with her. You know the triggers.
Probably easier said then done tho. Good luck

[gbrice75]

GB-

I have a family member that has some serious issues as well. My only brother.

I dont know if this will work in your case, but I find it best not to feed the fire.

I just avoid discussing anything that I know will trigger.
He lives in a different state, but when I am around him I try not to go out in public or go out drinking, because almost everytime he will blow up on someone. Now, a lot of times I can see why he has a problem with people, but most rational people will walk away and not say anything, and not cause a huge scene that sometimes comes to violence.

Dont shut her out, it will only make it worse, just try to be as nonconfritaional (SP) with her. You know the triggers.
Probably easier said then done tho. Good luck

Thanks JJ. To be honest, she doesn't have an triggers, per se. In other words, there's nothing I (or anybody else) do that triggers her; it's her own perception on life and everything going on around her that triggers her, therefore, her reactions are unavoidable. I'll give you a quick example:

We went and slept over her house a few weekends ago. For once, we all had a nice time, no fighting, no bs. The next weekend we (my wife, son and I) stayed over a friends house for the weekend who lives close to my mother. My wife accidently left something at my mother's house the weekend prior, so I told her (very clearly) that we'd be stopping by briefly on our way home just to pick it up.

We did, stayed for 10 mins just to not be rude, then went on our way. Later that night, I got a barrage of texts from her asking "what the hell is wrong with you?" "Johnny (that's the friend whose house we stayed at) gets to spend more time with Matthew than I do?" bla bla bla. This kind of psychotic, irrational shit. I guess that's the best word for her - she's EXTREMELY irrational, a lot of the time. The only thing I feel I can do is ignore her when I feel something is escalating.

[Igifuno]

gbrice man.. many people can understand where you're coming from. Some of the other guys in here said some of the things I'm thinking as well so I won't reiterate thoughts, but it sounds like you are definitetly at the end of your patience, and that is okay. It's okay to take a break, but not permanently. She is your mom.. you only have one.

Dude, we are all just a bunch of guys and girls in this world trying to do our best. I have battled with my parents and wasted so much time resenting them for things in the past until I found this perspective.

if you see 10 different people, they are on 10 different levels.. and, as a result, it can be difficult to comprehend what makes certain people tick and can be frustrating when they make decisions that are no consistent with sound principle. I'm not saying your mom doesn't have issues man, it definitetly sounds like she does, but again bro she is your only mom - do not stop loving her.

Hope this gets better with time brice. hang in there man.

[JJ78]

As you should ignore her, because I am sure it is hard for you to bite your tongue. But all Im sayin is shutting her out, or cutting her off from you, your son, could be very bad. Could send her spiraling out of control.

Its a tough one bro. But ultimately you have to think about your wife, son, and yourself first. Not worth putting everyone through it just to keep her little bit of sanity.

[DPTUK]

Gbrice, I am not necessarily saying that you mother may have this but by the way you have described her it could very well be that your mother may have something called "Borderline Personality Disorder". It may be worth you goggling this term if you don't know much about it, to see if her symptoms match those of a "borderline". If they do get back to me or PM me.

This is a subject I unfortunately have a lot of direct experience in and can totally understand the havoc those guilt trips that a boderline plays on you and how damaging they can be to themselves and others but you have to understand that it is a mental illness.

PM me if you want if you think she has BPD!


(left out of respect for Gbrice)

[DAAS]

I just skimmed through this, but have you thought that she could possibly be dealing with an addiction that is causing this behavior?

[gbrice75]

gbrice man.. many people can understand where you're coming from. Some of the other guys in here said some of the things I'm thinking as well so I won't reiterate thoughts, but it sounds like you are definitetly at the end of your patience, and that is okay. It's okay to take a break, but not permanently. She is your mom.. you only have one.

Dude, we are all just a bunch of guys and girls in this world trying to do our best. I have battled with my parents and wasted so much time resenting them for things in the past until I found this perspective.

if you see 10 different people, they are on 10 different levels.. and, as a result, it can be difficult to comprehend what makes certain people tick and can be frustrating when they make decisions that are no consistent with sound principle. I'm not saying your mom doesn't have issues man, it definitetly sounds like she does, but again bro she is your only mom - do not stop loving her.

Hope this gets better with time brice. hang in there man.

Thanks for your persepective brother. I really am trying, I hope that's evident as per my post here. Maybe this is my cry for help more so than 'getting it off my chest'. Hopefully, you're collective advice will help with my own perspective.

As you should ignore her, because I am sure it is hard for you to bite your tongue. But all Im sayin is shutting her out, or cutting her off from you, your son, could be very bad. Could send her spiraling out of control.

Its a tough one bro. But ultimately you have to think about your wife, son, and yourself first. Not worth putting everyone through it just to keep her little bit of sanity.

That's how I feel JJ. I don't plan to cut her off permanently, but more so on a case by case basis. Like, lately, when I feel things escalating (this is usually via text/email these days as I'm busy at work), I just stop responding. When I feel I'm being baited into a (winless) argument, I stop responding. Sometimes, we pick it up the next day like nothing happened, other times, she goes right back at it, and I go back to ignoring her. Basically, it's the equivalent of getting into a physical altercation but deciding to be the bigger man and walk away vs. throwing blows, ESPECIALLY when you know you can't win.

Gbrice, I am not necessarily saying that you mother may have this but by the way you have described her it could very well be that your mother may have something called "Borderline Personality Disorder". It may be worth you goggling this term if you don't know much about it, to see if her symptoms match those of a "borderline". If they do get back to me or PM me.

This is a subject I unfortunately have a lot of direct experience in and can totally understand the havoc those guilt trips that a boderline plays on you and how damaging they can be to themselves and others but you have to understand that it is a mental illness.

PM me if you want if you think she has BPD!

YES man, I 100% think she has this disorder (among others if I'm being honest). I have researched this quite a bit as it weighs heavily on my mind (should be evident by now) and this was the best I could come up with. I think she has:

BPD; a severe persecution complex; severe feelings of abandonment; God knows what else.

I have to research BDP more, but do these people typically have no realization that they have an issue/illness?

I just skimmed through this, but have you thought that she could possibly be dealing with an addiction that is causing this behavior?

I haven't considered that, but I know she doesn't. She's been this way her entire life. She's also very much into fitness (she's an old school PT), health in general, etc. An addiction would be counter intutiive to her nature.

[JJ78]

Also, brother, is this recent? Like in the past few years? I do know that mental disorders can manifest because of mental or physical trauma. Minor stroke, accident, loss of someone. Or some people do just "start to lose it" as they age. Some people develop dimensia, or personality orders as someone said.
The brain is a tricky organ.

[DAAS]

I just would suggest not writing it off, just because you think she would never do it. Thats how most addiction cases are, no one thinks it could happen to that person so they dont even think about it being whats going on. But you know better than any one I suppose. Hope things get better.

[JJ78]

"That's how I feel JJ. I don't plan to cut her off permanently, but more so on a case by case basis. Like, lately, when I feel things escalating (this is usually via text/email these days as I'm busy at work), I just stop responding. When I feel I'm being baited into a (winless) argument, I stop responding. Sometimes, we pick it up the next day like nothing happened, other times, she goes right back at it, and I go back to ignoring her. Basically, it's the equivalent of getting into a physical altercation but deciding to be the bigger man and walk away vs. throwing blows, ESPECIALLY when you know you can't win. "

Thats the best thing you can do bro.

[gbrice75]

Also, brother, is this recent? Like in the past few years? I do know that mental disorders can manifest because of mental or physical trauma. Minor stroke, accident, loss of someone. Or some people do just "start to lose it" as they age. Some people develop dimensia, or personality orders as someone said.
The brain is a tricky organ.

Nah man, she's always been like this. It may be more severe these days, that, or I just notice it more as it increasingly irritates me. It didn't affect me as a kid because I guess either a) it was just the norm, i.e. the way things were, or b) it really didn't directly affect me until I came into adulthood. I tend to think it's the latter.

I just would suggest not writing it off, just because you think she would never do it. Thats how most addiction cases are, no one thinks it could happen to that person so they dont even think about it being whats going on. But you know better than any one I suppose. Hope things get better.

I wouldn't carelessly write it off, but I just don't see it at all. I see mental illness for sure, I do not see addiction (or symptoms of) of any sort.

[DPTUK]

All the things you have described are classic BPD symptoms. If it is BPD you must absolutely do your best to educate yourself about this very subtle and difficult disorder in order to protect your mother AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOURSELF from this!

Not many people will understand how BPD can affect you until they have personally been through it (like myself!) and hopefully come out the other end unscathed! It is very subtle disease with many nuances which will make you think your going barking mad (when actually you are the sane one!)

It will make you have feelings of profound guilt, like you have done something wrong even though you KNOW you have done NOTHING WRONG and will make you constantly question yourself!

Check out the following useful links on BPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder Information and Support - BPD Central
Borderline personality disorder - NHS Choices

and finally this: (this is very important site which I suggest you read all the article on BPD on), might feel strange at first but once you start reading things will begin to make sense.


A Life Strategist: ShariSchreiber.com for Resolution, Empowerment, Success, Transformation

and read this article: "The Borderline Parent"

THE BORDERLINE PARENT - Surviving Childhood

I haven't talked about this to anyone in years, but trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel, although in my case it was an x partner.

Peace

[Black]

All I can add from experience is what I've witnessed with my wife's biological mother. Holy shit! Its a different scenario, but same in the fact that she doesn't see anything she's doing or has done as wrong. Just a small example would be that she has abandoned 4 children (3 from different father's) and gave them up for adoption. She now travels between Oregon, Cali (6 months) and Hawaii (6 months) living off the government. Man just saying that is already getting me pissed about that.

Like I said, its a far cry from the closeness of your relationship G. My wife tried to have a relationship with her, but she made it impossible. So she has since 'cut her off', so to speak. Some people feel that because you are biologically related to someone, you should just put up with it. I used to be like that, but if someone doesn't respect me, I don't have any time or respect for them.

I hope that you are able to get to a point that is more comfortable for the both of you.

[RaginCajun]

Damn GB, didn't know that you were dealing with this, sorry to hear it.

Has this gotten worse since you moved and looking to switch states? Maybe she feels abandoned? As another stated, could it be an addition that you are unaware/oblivious to? Are you and your family the only ones left in her life? As someone else mentioned, could be a mental disorder that needs to be addressed or ruled out.

I know that you love and care for her, and want the best for your mother. Hope you two can get this issue resolved brother!

[Fcastle357]

That's a tough situation gbrice. Time does not heal all wounds but can put a wrap on them that can be dealt with in some cases. I have seen family issues that have taken years to resolve themselves that I thought from the outside looking in could never be resolved. Your situation is your own and its sad....I agree with Marcus don't close the book, just put it down for a while. Many chapters left..Good luck.

[gbrice75]

All the things you have described are classic BPD symptoms. If it is BPD you must absolutely do your best to educate yourself about this very subtle and difficult disorder in order to protect your mother AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOURSELF from this!

Not many people will understand how BPD can affect you until they have personally been through it (like myself!) and hopefully come out the other end unscathed! It is very subtle disease with many nuances which will make you think your going barking mad (when actually you are the sane one!)

It will make you have feelings of profound guilt, like you have done something wrong even though you KNOW you have done NOTHING WRONG and will make you constantly question yourself!

Check out the following useful links on BPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder Information and Support - BPD Central
Borderline personality disorder - NHS Choices

and finally this: (this is very important site which I suggest you read all the article on BPD on), might feel strange at first but once you start reading things will begin to make sense.


A Life Strategist: ShariSchreiber.com for Resolution, Empowerment, Success, Transformation

and read this article: "The Borderline Parent"

THE BORDERLINE PARENT - Surviving Childhood

I haven't talked about this to anyone in years, but trust me I know EXACTLY how you feel, although in my case it was an x partner.

Peace

Thank you so much!!! I'll check these links out for sure, I am very interested in learning as much as I can about this as I do believe this is it! Also, I'd love to pick your brain if you don't mind sharing... your personal experience, etc. But, I don't want to pry either.

All I can add from experience is what I've witnessed with my wife's biological mother. Holy shit! Its a different scenario, but same in the fact that she doesn't see anything she's doing or has done as wrong. Just a small example would be that she has abandoned 4 children (3 from different father's) and gave them up for adoption. She now travels between Oregon, Cali (6 months) and Hawaii (6 months) living off the government. Man just saying that is already getting me pissed about that.

Like I said, its a far cry from the closeness of your relationship G. My wife tried to have a relationship with her, but she made it impossible. So she has since 'cut her off', so to speak. Some people feel that because you are biologically related to someone, you should just put up with it. I used to be like that, but if someone doesn't respect me, I don't have any time or respect for them.

I hope that you are able to get to a point that is more comfortable for the both of you.

Thanks man. I agree with you 100%. This whole "she's your mother" rap is bs to me. I used to think that too. You always here "it's family". To that, I say "so what?". WHY would I stay in a situation that makes me unhappy and fills me with dread and anxiety? I don't want that for me, but I at least can deal with it if I have to. What I absolutely WILL NOT TOLERATE for a single second is having my son in that environment. I will NOT allow her to damage him like she has me. If that means cutting her off, I will do it, for his own good.

Damn GB, didn't know that you were dealing with this, sorry to hear it.

Has this gotten worse since you moved and looking to switch states? Maybe she feels abandoned? As another stated, could it be an addition that you are unaware/oblivious to? Are you and your family the only ones left in her life? As someone else mentioned, could be a mental disorder that needs to be addressed or ruled out.

I know that you love and care for her, and want the best for your mother. Hope you two can get this issue resolved brother!

Thanks RC. Nah, it's really always been this way, I think she's just getting worse with age. Of course, she's very upset about the moving to FL thing, but I can understand that. I think even a sane/mentally stable person would be upset about that, but again, their approach in dealing with it would probably be different. She lays guilt trips on me. "Oh, great. You'll move away to FL, and my grandson will NEVER know his grandmother. Don't you think it's important for me to have a relationship with him? Great, Edie's parents will move to FL in a couple years when her father retires, and Matthew (my son) will know those grandparents but not me..." etc etc.

Definitely not an addiction of any sort, of that I'm positive. As positive as I can be without proof anyway.

That's a tough situation gbrice. Time does not heal all wounds but can put a wrap on them that can be dealt with in some cases. I have seen family issues that have taken years to resolve themselves that I thought from the outside looking in could never be resolved. Your situation is your own and its sad....I agree with Marcus don't close the book, just put it down for a while. Many chapters left..Good luck.

I'm trying brother, anything I can. I think we're really on to something though with this BPD. The big problem though is, how do you get a person to even accept the POSSIBILITY that they suffer from this? If I were to present this to her, no matter how softly, caringly, etc. she'll take it as an attack, as me trying to insult or hurt her. She told me that she's been in therapy for 15 yeas. I suggested that perhaps, JUST perhaps, she should meet with a psychiatrist vs. a therapist. Somebody who can diagnose her and prescribe medication. Well, she was floored. Her only response was "maybe you should see a doctor and get on medication". It's just flinging insults back and forth, that's all it ever turns into.

[DPTUK]

Thank you so much!!! I'll check these links out for sure, I am very interested in learning as much as I can about this as I do believe this is it! Also, I'd love to pick your brain if you don't mind sharing... your personal experience, etc. But, I don't want to pry either.

Gbrice I have no issue sharing any of this stuff with you via PM, I just can't do it openly here for lots of good reasons which I will explain to you personally.

What I will say is that I spent nearly 2 years with someone very close to me having ZERO idea that they had BPD until the situation got so volatile that her closest and best childhood friend found the courage to tell me that she had BPD and all of a sudden everything made complete sense. It was both liberating to finally understand what was going on but also devastating knowing what I actually was dealing with. Took me a long time to get over it and truly I am not even 100% sure to this day I really am over it. I think about her every single day!

[Lunk1]

How often do you see/talk to her? Perhaps you just need a break from her. I'm not often fond of my mother either. She has been a scammer her whole life. The type that is always looking for something for nothing. She did a lot of things during my childhood that were embarrassing to a young child. My dad worked hard to keep her honest and decent. He was a stand up man.

I could go on and on about the things she has done and continues to do. A lot of times I'm embarrassed to be associated with her. Our conversations always go south in record time because she can't say anything nice about anyone and everyone is fuking her over in some way, when in reality she is the one always fuking ppl and the system.

When she really gets on my nerves I just take breaks from her. I may go weeks without speaking to her. After time I start feeling the need to see her and speak to her so I do. Then after short time I need my break again. The cycle repeats itself but it works and I guess I can say I still love her. I just don't like being around her and I am ashamed of her a lot.

Sorrry I went off on my own rant lol.

[Bonaparte]

Move far away.

If that doesn't work: wait until she develops dementia, become her power of attorney, and lock her away in the dementia ward of a nursing home like so many other people seem to do.

[skindiesel]

if you cut her out of your life or have nothing to do with her it will not help you and or you wont heal. trust me i know. best thing to do if at all plausible is find a way to make the relationship work with her.

[gbrice75]

Gbrice I have no issue sharing any of this stuff with you via PM, I just can't do it openly here for lots of good reasons which I will explain to you personally.

Oh, no doubt brother, via PM. I'll be sending you one in a few.

What I will say is that I spent nearly 2 years with someone very close to me having ZERO idea that they had BPD until the situation got so volatile that her closest and best childhood friend found the courage to tell me that she had BPD and all of a sudden everything made complete sense. It was both liberating to finally understand what was going on but also devastating knowing what I actually was dealing with. Took me a long time to get over it and truly I am not even 100% sure to this day I really am over it. I think about her every single day!

Man, I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out after all of that. We will definitely talk more via PM.

How often do you see/talk to her? Perhaps you just need a break from her. I'm not often fond of my mother either. She has been a scammer her whole life. The type that is always looking for something for nothing. She did a lot of things during my childhood that were embarrassing to a young child. My dad worked hard to keep her honest and decent. He was a stand up man.

I could go on and on about the things she has done and continues to do. A lot of times I'm embarrassed to be associated with her. Our conversations always go south in record time because she can't say anything nice about anyone and everyone is fuking her over in some way, when in reality she is the one always fuking ppl and the system.

When she really gets on my nerves I just take breaks from her. I may go weeks without speaking to her. After time I start feeling the need to see her and speak to her so I do. Then after short time I need my break again. The cycle repeats itself but it works and I guess I can say I still love her. I just don't like being around her and I am ashamed of her a lot.

Sorrry I went off on my own rant lol.

Wow lunk, I didn't know we were brothers!! I didn't bother mentioning this about my mother, because it's not really relevant to my point here - but she too is a HUGE scammer. I mean, with EVERYTHING. Always a loophole, some shady shit she's up to to get over. She works the system, works people in her life, and when the shit blows up it's everybody else's fault. Quick example:

She had a roommate once. Learned that this girl was stealing from her. Instead of doing the RIGHT thing (either confront her, demand your money, kick her out, OR call the cops, file charges, etc.), what does she do? Lies to this girl, tells her she has suspected her of stealing and had one of her cop friends put in survaillance cameras (and had a cop friend confirm this to the girl, scum bag he is), and had her on video stealing. Blackmailed the girl for several months into paying her a bunch of money (more value than what the girl stole) until the girl finally got fed up and called my mother's bluff. Obviously, there was no such tape or footage. That's just one incident among MANY over the years. I remember her getting arrested when I was a little boy, for switching price tags in a supermarket. Fcking unbelievable.

But yea man, I try to take breaks. Like you, I eventually feel the need to reach out (guilt?) and do so, OR she reaches out to me and I eventually feel compelled to receive her.

Move far away.

If that doesn't work: wait until she develops dementia, become her power of attorney, and lock her away in the dementia ward of a nursing home like so many other people seem to do.

lol Boneparte, you're so dry I never know if you're being sarcastic or not. I am in fact moving to FL. That won't stop the phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and in fact will probably make things worse (the guilt trips about how I'm awful for moving and leaving her all alone with NOBODY... when she'd have a partner if anybody could tolerate her shit, but instead I'm burnened with it).

I may go with your 2nd option.

if you cut her out of your life or have nothing to do with her it will not help you and or you wont heal. trust me i know. best thing to do if at all plausible is find a way to make the relationship work with her.

I hear you bro, it won't resolve anything, it's kind of 'running away from the problem' - BUT I've tried everything I can think of, nothing has helped or gotten us a single inch further in decades. I mean that. I want nothing more for it to work, I'd love to be a happy, tight family, but she and she alone can make that happen, there's nothing more I can do. I have a son and a career and a life and do not have the time or energy to put into making MOMMY my priority. In many ways, I already view her as a lost cause and that's why I feel so badly... I pity her, and I'm sad for myself and my son.

[bass]

Move far away.

If that doesn't work: wait until she develops dementia, become her power of attorney, and lock her away in the dementia ward of a nursing home like so many other people seem to do.

with all due respect that's a very stupid advice! it doesn't even fit GB's personality, if he does that then he's no different that what his mom is doing.

[gbrice75]

with all due respect that's a very stupid advice! it doesn't even fit GB's personality, if he does that then he's no different that what his mom is doing.

BP's a very sarcastic guy with a dry sense of humor. Love the type personally. I believe (but BP, correct me if I'm wrong) he was being facetious.

[bass]

^^^ I hope so, in that case I take it back!

[GirlyGymRat]

I speak this from my heart. If your mom was to pass on and your relationship was strained, you completely turned your back to your mom, you might have regrets that haunt you for the rest of you life. That's a huge burden to carry....

There are always going to be ppl who don't gel well together, unfortunately this one is family which you don't get to chose. If her issues are causing this much stress in your life, then you might consider limiting your involvement and protect against getting drawn in to her drama.

You can still be cordial and love her for who she was and not for who she has become.

[Cuz]

Bro...you HAVE to love your mother no matter what man. That's a sad situation your in man and ill be hoping you the best. But please never stop loving the one that brought you into this world man.

I said this about my daddy, who was a drunk and mean man. He left my mother when I was 3 and I seen him on a rare occasion throughout my childhood. When I was 19 I was kicked out by my stepdad. I tried moving in with my biological father, we almost fought, he was drunk ....so I came back to my home and a month later got my own apartment. Me and my dad didn't speak since then, He was sort of a lunatic, crazy, nuthouse kind of guy. he drank a case a beer every day. I found out in August he had passed away back in January. I was not notified by anyone of his passing. It hurt me really bad, it damaged me. So please, don't stop loving your mom and for Gods sake's do not move away from her. Try o make things work, otherwise you will be in a world of hurt when you find out she has passed like in my situation.

I hope you can make things work with her, I wish you the best.

[Igifuno]

Damn chad... Sorry man that really sucks.

[BG]

Have you tried calmly telling her you feelings, then give her space? Tell her until she seeks help you are eliminating her from your life that shes a much to negative influence.

[Bonaparte]

with all due respect that's a very stupid advice! it doesn't even fit GB's personality, if he does that then he's no different that what his mom is doing.

BP's a very sarcastic guy with a dry sense of humor. Love the type personally. I believe (but BP, correct me if I'm wrong) he was being facetious.

Dealing with demented old people is a huge part of my job. I guess I was half-joking. But the reality is that this happens all the time, and in many cases there is no other option (since euthanasia/mercy killing is illegal).
But no, I wasn't attempting to offer a realistic solution, since dementia to that degree would prevent them from bothering you in the first place.

[Cuz]

Damn chad... Sorry man that really sucks.

Thanks bro. I just don't want the same to happen to GB or anyone for that matter.

[lovbyts]

When it comes to family you have to accept them for who they are especially if they wont listen and change.

There were many many things I did not like about my mother. I had to learn to not let it effect me to much and just accept that is how she is. My mom sounded a lot like your in many ways. No need to go into details, you covered most.

I had to learn what battles to fight and what to just let go. I am the only child out of 5 who stayed around and helped her after my father passed away for 18 years. It was only the last year she changed in some ways after finding out she had cancer and finally started to appreciate what I have been doing for her and in spite of her.

Bottom line, it's your mother. Dont hate her but if she is making your life crazy just do what you have to do to keep sane but not cut her out of your life 100%. Sometimes less is more.