4 years with gf down the drain

[BG]

I was wondering what was going on because I keep seeing you post hopefully you be able to save the relationship. Im sorry to say but you went to the extreme by proposing to her which probably freaked her out also, to where she has turned to someone else or atleast away from you. You made yourself seem desperate and that never works with young women . It seems you need to come to terms, the only little possibility you guys could have a family would be if she left the bar and became a Mother. Theres no way if she's still working there things will come together for you....everything there is against you. Imo your only shot is to give her the ultimatum to leave the bar, which she probably will not and then you will have a clear answer to your future. I wish you the best, but this is how I see it, not trying to be an ass, just letting you hear a little reality, its needed. Good luck, live for your son, forget his dumb mother.

Well BG, let me start by saying I'm very ill tempered, and with the short relationship getting us a child 4 months in we were both freaking out, I treated her quite poorly...

She developed feelings for someone there (a patron, small bar small town...) and that was almost 1.5 years ago, then about 8 months ago, after I'd proposed, she made out with him, 2occasions, and was texting him. Now, she's bad at communicating, I didn't know the proposal would be too little too late, and she was freaking out, understandable.

She went beyond not communicating and has been avoiding spending time with me, when she knew we needed to talk, and we've spent a year with different views on the relationship. She recently was staying out after work and spent ZERO time with me (why I'd ended things as of now) so obv I'm suspicious of that. And there's rumors of infidelity (ok well making out with dudes) but from a source that's very hard to trust

[ickythump]

She's a great mother, but yea he immaturity has been shining thru. She got knocked up young (23) and felt like I wasn't committed, which I suppose I wasn't as we had so many problems. But, when we're good we're great, I can forgive the making out, I have put her thru tough times and she has put me thru some, but, I don't think she'll ever give me the time and dedication to fix it properly, and if she wants to be unhealthy and drink excessively (I drink, but on occasion and in moderation) them she'll have to do it with someone else. And getting plastered and driving home many many times is being inappropriate, especially when it's coming home so late without telling me or texting me...many times I blew her phone up to find out where she was, I told her I am tired of going to bed alone

[Gaspari1255]

These type of women are god damn walking nightmares. I've dated several just like this. Worked in bars/clubs for 6 years, and always got involved with the bartenders/cocktail women. They have men every night at work raising their egos and feeding them every line in the book about how beautiful they are. Her opportunities to cheat are endless. Most 23 year olds are not ready for a committed relationship, but the fact that she now has a child with you, she should get her priorities straight and stop worrying about herself.

As far as making out with another guy- do you think that's all that happened? To me, cheating is cheating. Whether it's making out with a guy, having sex with him, or texting/calling/flirting with another guy behind your back - it's all the same. She sounds like a poisoned well, and your best option is to fetch water elsewhere....

[lovbyts]

These type of women are god damn walking nightmares. I've dated several just like this. Worked in bars/clubs for 6 years, and always got involved with the bartenders/cocktail women. They have men every night at work raising their egos and feeding them every line in the book about how beautiful they are. Her opportunities to cheat are endless. Most 23 year olds are not ready for a committed relationship, but the fact that she now has a child with you, she should get her priorities straight and stop worrying about herself.

As far as making out with another guy- do you think that's all that happened? To me, cheating is cheating. Whether it's making out with a guy, having sex with him, or texting/calling/flirting with another guy behind your back - it's all the same. She sounds like a poisoned well, and your best option is to fetch water elsewhere....

If she was 12 or 13 I MIGHT believe her but any girl/woman over 17 does not just make out.... Once they have lost their virginity then kissing/making out is just a prelude to the goal which is sex

[gearbox]

If she was 12 or 13 I MIGHT believe her but any girl/woman over 17 does not just make out.... Once they have lost their virginity then kissing/making out is just a prelude to the goal which is sex

I agree with this. She said they just made out more then once. YEAH RIGHT!

Definitely more then just making out op. Sorry :/

[Gaspari1255]

I agree with this. She said they just made out more then once. YEAH RIGHT!

Definitely more then just making out op. Sorry :/

That was her way of PARTIALLY admitting guilt. She feels like she has a clear conscious now...because she told 1/4 of the truth.

Dating a bartender is like trying to find treasure under a dumpster. Move on.

[Euroholic]

Just listen to this song and forget about your emotions mate.

[ickythump]

I was wondering what was going on because I keep seeing you post hopefully you be able to save the relationship. Im sorry to say but you went to the extreme by proposing to her which probably freaked her out also, to where she has turned to someone else or atleast away from you. You made yourself seem desperate and that never works with young women . It seems you need to come to terms, the only little possibility you guys could have a family would be if she left the bar and became a Mother. Theres no way if she's still working there things will come together for you....everything there is against you. Imo your only shot is to give her the ultimatum to leave the bar, which she probably will not and then you will have a clear answer to your future. I wish you the best, but this is how I see it, not trying to be an ass, just letting you hear a little reality, its needed. Good luck, live for your son, forget his dumb mother.

I see your point but the proposal was what she wanted, it was just too late. She'd begged and I promised I'd do it, but it was after so much had happened that she'd begun cutting herself off from the relationship. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned elsewhere in the thread that I admittedly treated for quite poorly, a lot of it stems from a lack of sex after my son was born, but we never really talked about it so all my anger focused on other things because I was afraid yelling at her about sex with me only worse. my main problem is that she waited so long without talking to me that things got to where they got. I've told her that we should be done but she want to try to work things out, so I am going to move out either way and we'll see what happens.


about the making out with that guy, making out is just how I perceive when she said a kiss maybe I'm naive to believe that, but from what little proof she's shown me to support it and the fact that everybody at the small town gossip bar has only called it the same thing I have chosen to believe her. maybe it will come back to bite me

[BG]

Makes more sense now. Girls have a tough time after especially young. Ill post more later at home, but the bar job will keep things from working despite the past or how you both feel.

[lovbyts]

I see your point but the proposal was what she wanted, it was just too late. She'd begged and I promised I'd do it, but it was after so much had happened that she'd begun cutting herself off from the relationship. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned elsewhere in the thread that I admittedly treated for quite poorly, a lot of it stems from a lack of sex after my son was born, but we never really talked about it so all my anger focused on other things because I was afraid yelling at her about sex with me only worse. my main problem is that she waited so long without talking to me that things got to where they got. I've told her that we should be done but she want to try to work things out, so I am going to move out either way and we'll see what happens.


about the making out with that guy, making out is just how I perceive when she said a kiss maybe I'm naive to believe that, but from what little proof she's shown me to support it and the fact that everybody at the small town gossip bar has only called it the same thing I have chosen to believe her. maybe it will come back to bite me

No, you could be right and it MIGHT not be more if most people are not saying it looked like more or there is not like several hours of unaccountable time missing or she has not been spending time with him or whoever. Either way it's probably best for your sanity to not dwell on it thinking it was more or not and it really doesnt effect your decision either way, right? I mean it's not just the kiss obviously.

Yeah it sucks and worse that you have a kid together but sometimes it's best for everyone involved to move on before things get out of hand and there becomes bigger problems that cant be resolved peacefully. If there is a chance it can be reconciled that is always the best option and it is possible to get back to where it was if both parties are willing to work at it. I know, I have been there a few times and thought it was beyond repair but it's surprising what can be fixed.

Good luck either way

[ickythump]

Makes more sense now. Girls have a tough time after especially young. Ill post more later at home, but the bar job will keep things from working despite the past or how you both feel.

She actually came to that conclusion, she can't afford to quit but is dropping some shifts (she is a fashion major, she has a job at a clothes boutique but bar money is good, I also need her to keep paying half rent/auto insurance, I pay for everything else already). I have some career things happening so she should be able to quit, regardless of whether we're together I'm gonna help her get into her career, she has my son, and I'll always have love for her)

[ickythump]

No, you could be right and it MIGHT not be more if most people are not saying it looked like more or there is not like several hours of unaccountable time missing or she has not been spending time with him or whoever. Either way it's probably best for your sanity to not dwell on it thinking it was more or not and it really doesnt effect your decision either way, right? I mean it's not just the kiss obviously.

Yeah it sucks and worse that you have a kid together but sometimes it's best for everyone involved to move on before things get out of hand and there becomes bigger problems that cant be resolved peacefully. If there is a chance it can be reconciled that is always the best option and it is possible to get back to where it was if both parties are willing to work at it. I know, I have been there a few times and thought it was beyond repair but it's surprising what can be fixed.

Good luck either way

Yea I agree with you, that's why I elaborated, there's circumstances that led me to forgive. I'm furious she let things get to this point without talking to me, but that's something she wants time to work on also. She's very close to finishing her (now second) degree, and wants to focus on that sms us, but that's hard with me around, I do understand her need to separate, like I said I do believe she wants to work things out. We still have been physical and semi connected, she just wants to get her head right she says. Hopefully I understand and aren't just fooling myself, I studied too much psychology, I analyze too abstractly lol

[spywizard]

why don't you just take custody of the child that way she can get on with her life, trust me "some guy" she's making out with, has developed feelings for is not someone that will take care of your child...

or you can look at it as an open marriage, get a girlfriend dude.. sorry, not what you wanted for your son, but the only way you can keep him, seeing him 2-4 times per month is not being a dad, being there every day is..

just my .02

[ickythump]

Custody doesn't work like that man, not in my state at least. The guy is assumed to be out of the picture. Maybe he isn't but either way, he's DEFINITELY not saying he wants to raise my kid, he just wanted to bang my lady. But just cuz we don't work out or whatever happens I can't just take my son from her, that wouldn't be her being a mom if I did that. She's made mistakes but deserves to be there, he's not even 3, they nursed until recentlyish, he needs his mother. Besides, I'll see him almost every day anyhow. We're gonna separate and she's focusing on figuring her crap out, I'm gonna wait, long as I can anyhow, and we'll see. Or I might say forget it can't do it, bye

[songdog]

Hey bro do you think its too soon for me too ask her out? Hey just a lil hurmor wish you the best!

[ickythump]

Hey bro do you think its too soon for me too ask her out? Hey just a lil hurmor wish you the best!

I don't think it's a gOod move for you bud but your call ;-)

[lovbyts]

Custody doesn't work like that man, not in my state at least. The guy is assumed to be out of the picture. Maybe he isn't but either way, he's DEFINITELY not saying he wants to raise my kid, he just wanted to bang my lady. But just cuz we don't work out or whatever happens I can't just take my son from her, that wouldn't be her being a mom if I did that. She's made mistakes but deserves to be there, he's not even 3, they nursed until recentlyish, he needs his mother. Besides, I'll see him almost every day anyhow. We're gonna separate and she's focusing on figuring her crap out, I'm gonna wait, long as I can anyhow, and we'll see. Or I might say forget it can't do it, bye

I think what he means is maybe she will let you have custody since she wants to focus on her 2nd degree. See if it can be done without the courts. Dont make it confrontational, just a suggestion, favor for her and of course you guys can share expenses and time. Not everything needs to go through court unless there is a problem.

My 1st wife was willing and ready to give up custody or of 1yr old when I told her she could have the car and house until her mother told her if she has the kid she gets the car, house + $$$$ Didnt really work out in her favor in the end but my circumstances were different, she turned into a druggie.

Fathers can take care of kids just as good as mothers and better in a lot of cases. I took care of my daughter 90% of the time since birth up until our divorce and mothers death. It's really not hard, you just do what you have to do. It comes instinctively.

[michael30]

I wish u the best man, best advice i have is to use all this for fuel in the gym. I had a very bad break up 3 years ago. An used it to get in the best shape of my life. Best choice i ever made!

[Euroholic]

Live your life emotionless its the best way to aboid pain mate

[Honkey_Kong]

Congrats on the good news. It might not seem all that good right now, but she did you a favour by finding this guy now. It's better now when all you have to discuss is child support and custody. Had you married her, she have done the same thing and you'd be giving her vagina money too.

Think of it as now you're free to find a better and hotter broad.

[Bert]

Live your life emotionless its the best way to aboid pain mate

And that would make you a dick.

[Euroholic]

And that would make you a dick.

I dissagree. Im not saying be mean to others im just saying dont allow to fall prey to love. Dont let it make you weak

[joebailey1271]

That sucks, Icky. Bro – I had damn near the same situation. I was with a girl for almost 5 years. We decided to spend some time figuring out if we were supposed to be together and damn if she didn’t move some dude in and marry him 6 weeks later! We live in a tiny town and I had to see her / them damn near every day. It sucks, but better to waste 4 years than 14. Stay strong bro, and work on making things work for you and your son – that’s all you can do.

Dam now that sucks, hope u find peace with that, heartbreak SUCKS

[lovbyts]

That sucks, Icky. Bro – I had damn near the same situation. I was with a girl for almost 5 years. We decided to spend some time figuring out if we were supposed to be together and damn if she didn’t move some dude in and marry him 6 weeks later! We live in a tiny town and I had to see her / them damn near every day. It sucks, but better to waste 4 years than 14. Stay strong bro, and work on making things work for you and your son – that’s all you can do.

Seriously??? WTF? How long ago was that? Are they still together? I think I would be waiting/hoping for the future messy divorce. Talk about a rebound. Do you think she was already hooked up with him?

[ickythump]

Yea tase's story kind of trumps mine lol

[ickythump]

The focusing on school is a side note, she absolutely wants our son there and I'm not taking him from her....She's made it clear it's mostly he wanting to get herself together and think about how she feels...guess I'll never know if that's true, or whether she just wants to start moving on, but I do feel like if she wanted to just go party andsee people she wouldn't want him there obv

[DontTaseMeBro]

Seriously??? WTF? How long ago was that? Are they still together? I think I would be waiting/hoping for the future messy divorce. Talk about a rebound. Do you think she was already hooked up with him?

lol. he turned out to be a drug-addicted sociopath. stole her money, ruined her credit, got her fired from a great job, stole her kids' christmas presents, posted nude pics of her online and threatened her life. we are married now.

Hoping the best for you, icky. It's not easy. In the end, it doesn't matter how smart, rich and good looking you are; how well you treat them; how big ur d!ck is - if they are gonna cheat, then they are gonna cheat and there's not a dam thing you can do about it but drive yourself crazy. Probably best to work on you and your son and let her go, but never say "never". My crazy life proves that you never know what will happen - and sometimes at the most unpredictable time.

[spywizard]

The best advice a divorced man ever shared with me was this

"the best way to get back at a woman that rejects you is to go out and make obscene amounts of money"..

it does work..

my point regarding "taking him from her" was you need to be aggressive in this if you want to have a relationship with your son that may approach "normal" in this day and age...

having a girlfriend of your own will help his mother figure out quickly what she feels, and wants..

[lovbyts]

lol. he turned out to be a drug-addicted sociopath. stole her money, ruined her credit, got her fired from a great job, stole her kids' christmas presents, posted nude pics of her online and threatened her life. we are married now.

Hoping the best for you, icky. It's not easy. In the end, it doesn't matter how smart, rich and good looking you are; how well you treat them; how big ur d!ck is - if they are gonna cheat, then they are gonna cheat and there's not a dam thing you can do about it but drive yourself crazy. Probably best to work on you and your son and let her go, but never say "never". My crazy life proves that you never know what will happen - and sometimes at the most unpredictable time.

Well the payback part was great about him turning out to be a complete loser but I'm not so sure about you taking her back. I guess if it's working out for you then it's great but I hope she is putting out everyday giving you head and anal anytime you ask for it.

[BG]

I dissagree. Im not saying be mean to others im just saying dont allow to fall prey to love. Dont let it make you weak

You're weak because you dodn't have the balls to try to love someone or get emotionally attached.

[BG]

And that would make you a dick.

Along with a long list of other things.........

[Bert]

I dissagree. Im not saying be mean to others im just saying dont allow to fall prey to love. Dont let it make you weak

Dont' fall prey to love? That's like people taking meds to numb them.No thanks, I'll take the ups with the downs.

[Bert]

Along with a long list of other things.........

I was being as nice as possible.

[BG]

I was being as nice as possible.

LOL me too.

[Honkey_Kong]

Dont' fall prey to love? That's like people taking meds to numb them.No thanks, I'll take the ups with the downs.

I don't think Euroholic really believes the bullshit he says. If he did, he'd be one crazy sociopath.

[Bert]

I don't think Euroholic really believes the bullshit he says. If he did, he'd be one crazy sociopath.

I don't believe 100% of what I read on here.

[John Andrew]

I said that too...... But I found one that's worth doing it again. I never thought I would

Wedding no 6 is coming up! And its been 15 years since no 5!! I am sure its no longer an addiction to wedding cake, maybe I have finally matured enough to know what I really need instead of always grabbing everything I wanted.

As I am 59 this year that's 34 years of learning, and a total of less than 2 weeks living alone. Except time at sea or out bush! Love can be complicated!

Good Luck everybody.

John

[RaginCajun]

Wedding no 6 is coming up! And its been 15 years since no 5!! I am sure its no longer an addiction to wedding cake, maybe I have finally matured enough to know what I really need instead of always grabbing everything I wanted. As I am 59 this year that's 34 years of learning, and a total of less than 2 weeks living alone. Except time at sea or out bush! Love can be complicated! Good Luck everybody. John

You sir are nutz!