How difficult is it to go thru with a divorce and how do you know you're ready?

**PistolPete33** · 08-23-2014, 09:20 PM

The wife and I have been fighting pretty much nonstop and I can't take it anymore. We just don't get along and she's been lying to me and just very selfish. I've been trying since the end of last year to make things better but she's just too set in her ways to change or put any extra effort in. Then, I find out yesterday that her mother has been feeding her bullshit that I'm a piece of shit and a terrible father and I don't deserve her or our son. ****ing douche.

Anyways, I'm at wits end and thinking of separating and going thru divorce. I will let her stay in the house with our son and I will pay most of the bills as I would never want to disrupt things for my son. It's not about money just want to know how life changed good and bad after and during a divorce.

Thanks for listening.

**DAAS** · 08-23-2014, 09:32 PM

I often thought it would have been better for me if my parents got divorced when I was younger. The right age I cant really say. If he is at an age of understanding then go for it. If he is still very young like 6 IDK. Its really hard to say, either way it will have an affect on him, what that is no one could know. I think divorce affects female children more negatively. But if you feel you can both be positive to your son after you're divorced then thats whats important.

He is your priority but it is also your life and you only live once, so if you're going to unhappy with her then you NEED to make moves. Wish I had better answers. Good luck brother

**lovbyts** · 08-23-2014, 09:38 PM

It's funny, the husband almost always says it's not about money but I can guarantee in the end it is about the money to the women even if they say it's not. What you think is fair usually is not what she thinks is fair.

You will know when it's time. Usually it's after you have said your done 4 or 5 times. Mother in-laws are the worse. I think the only reason my 1st marriage lasted as long as it did was because I told the mother in-law to butt out to her face and to get out and stay out of MY house. I would try having a talk with her father also.

Just a bit of advice start putting cash aside somewhere now and liquidating things little by little. Nothing big or obvious but it the end it could save you thousands or more. Dont take it lightly. Trust me, she will eventually use everything on you she can so also eliminate any AAS you might have around and when you get a chance check her phone or camera to make sure she does not have any pictures.

**DAAS** · 08-23-2014, 09:43 PM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

It's funny, the husband almost always says it's not about money but I can guarantee in the end it is about the money to the women even if they say it's not. What you think is fair usually is not what she thinks is fair.

You will know when it's time. Usually it's after you have said your done 4 or 5 times. Mother in-laws are the worse. I think the only reason my 1st marriage lasted as long as it did was because I told the mother in-law to butt out to her face and to get out and stay out of MY house. I would try having a talk with her father also.

Just a bit of advice start putting cash aside somewhere now and liquidating things little by little. Nothing big or obvious but it the end it could save you thousands or more. Dont take it lightly. Trust me, she will eventually use everything on you she can so also eliminate any AAS you might have around and when you get a chance check her phone or camera to make sure she does not have any pictures.

Yeah women play dirty, dont think otherwise.

**spacemon** · 08-23-2014, 10:35 PM

Divorce is never easy and when kids are involved its a nightmare. One word of advice, document EVERYTHING. Anything she says or threatens you with. Things she does. Places she goes. Right down dates, times, and any details. Keep phone records. Keep track of arguments. All of these can be of use to you and your attorney when the time comes. Believe me I have been there and its surprising what the little details can do for you.

Good Luck man.

**lovbyts** · 08-23-2014, 10:57 PM

Originally Posted by spacemon

Divorce is never easy and when kids are involved its a nightmare. One word of advice, document EVERYTHING. Anything she says or threatens you with. Things she does. Places she goes. Right down dates, times, and any details. Keep phone records. Keep track of arguments. All of these can be of use to you and your attorney when the time comes. Believe me I have been there and its surprising what the little details can do for you.

Good Luck man.

I agree with all the above and be sure she is doing the same even if you dont think so.

**Honkey_Kong** · 08-24-2014, 04:07 AM

Originally Posted by PistolPete33

The wife and I have been fighting pretty much nonstop and I can't take it anymore. We just don't get along and she's been lying to me and just very selfish. I've been trying since the end of last year to make things better but she's just too set in her ways to change or put any extra effort in. Then, I find out yesterday that her mother has been feeding her bullshit that I'm a piece of shit and a terrible father and I don't deserve her or our son. ****ing douche.

Anyways, I'm at wits end and thinking of separating and going thru divorce. I will let her stay in the house with our son and I will pay most of the bills as I would never want to disrupt things for my son. It's not about money just want to know how life changed good and bad after and during a divorce.

Thanks for listening.

I think you should get yourself a very good family law lawyer. And don't wait until you leave and get the wheels in motion to do this. Every move you make and every word you say should be planned out so that you don't do something that can hurt yourself in the divorce.

Shop around for a good lawyer too. Look for one that is successful in representing fathers.

Do NOT act on emotion. You will end up saying or doing something that will be used against you. I also suggest you be honest with your attorney on any dirt she has on you currently.

**jsam** · 08-24-2014, 05:51 AM

Just went through a divorce. Same deal fighting all the time it want a good environment for my kids so I pulled the pin and filed for divorce. I have a 14 year old girl and 17 year old boy they seem to be doing fine.

Last year when i new it was over I was in the middle of a cycle and the ex found one of my syringes in the trash and told me she was going to use it in court against me to get full custody of the kids. She told me this in a text message. We'll later that day she went out and I scoured the house found it and got rid of it and never did another injection at home again. (She never found the vials) My state is very tough on steroids when it comes to child custody issues.

Don't trust anything she tells you until it's final.

Good luck

**PistolPete33** · 08-24-2014, 06:09 AM

The good news is that I'm on TRT so any syringes etc are supposed to be there so I'm not worried about that. As for the money thing I know it will suck but honestly I don't want to screw her over. That said, if she moves another guy into our house I wouldn't pay her a penny. I'm not sure if that can be written into anything and I'm not completely positive this is what I truly want. Thinking of life without her is hard because we've been together for 13 years now. Not an easy choice. When my wife left me and my son the other night I told him (he's 6) that I might be moving out and he was pretty upset. If I move out we give up a lot of things we do for him which will make it even harder on him.

**lovbyts** · 08-24-2014, 06:14 AM

Your idea of screwing her over and her idea is probably very different. ANY change to her lifestyle and doing anything she wants will probably be screwing her over as well as you being able to do anything you want or more importantly what she doesnt want you to do would be screwing her over.

Do you see a pattern from everyone so far who has given you advice? It's protect yourself and expect the unexpected.

**austinite** · 08-24-2014, 06:19 AM

My life is 100% better after divorce. However, I never had kids, so I am not a good example.

**PistolPete33** · 08-24-2014, 06:52 AM

The other thing is she said she wouldn't fight me on it and would just go thru with it and move on. She seems pretty honest with that too believe it or not. I know if things start proceeding she will prob. sing a different tune though.

**paulzane** · 08-24-2014, 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by PistolPete33

The other thing is she said she wouldn't fight me on it and would just go thru with it and move on. She seems pretty honest with that too believe it or not. I know if things start proceeding she will prob. sing a different tune though.

I know of a lot of women who have said that to their husbands (and probably meant it initially) but after talking to their lawyer he / she managed to get them to change their minds and the then turned the table over and asked (and got) a whole lot more than they had promised that they would accept!!

**outlawmuscle** · 08-24-2014, 01:17 PM

Good lUck! I never married, nor do i intend to, so that's all i can say.

**carbo** · 08-24-2014, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by PistolPete33

The other thing is she said she wouldn't fight me on it and would just go thru with it and move on. She seems pretty honest with that too believe it or not. I know if things start proceeding she will prob. sing a different tune though.

I would approach that in good faith and try to stay civil with her. Which is a bit against most of the paranoid answers you're getting here.

**GirlyGymRat** · 08-24-2014, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by paulzane

I know of a lot of women who have said that to their husbands (and probably meant it initially) but after talking to their lawyer he / she managed to get them to change their minds and the then turned the table over and asked (and got) a whole lot more than they had promised that they would accept!!

^^^ x2 between lawyer and op - mother sisters gf - it changes.

**PistolPete33** · 08-24-2014, 03:54 PM

We had a long fight/talk today and we're going to try working things out. We had an amazing relationship for many many years we just need to try to get back to where we were. With a lot of effort and changes we hope it will work. We both also agreed that if we continue to fight then it's simply time to move on. The other thing is we don't fight in front of our son. We don't want him being in that type of environment.

**lovbyts** · 08-24-2014, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by carbo

I would approach that in good faith and try to stay civil with her. Which is a bit against most of the paranoid answers you're getting here.

How is it paranoia when its coming from people who have been there and done that. We are talking from experience, not imagination.

A lot of us have gone through it or have watched others go through it and rarely is it civil. Yes you want to do your part to keep it as peaceful as possible but protect yourself and be prepared for the worst.

My 2nd divorce was very civil but that is rare.

**lovbyts** · 08-24-2014, 06:07 PM

Originally Posted by PistolPete33

We had a long fight/talk today and we're going to try working things out. We had an amazing relationship for many many years we just need to try to get back to where we were. With a lot of effort and changes we hope it will work. We both also agreed that if we continue to fight then it's simply time to move on. The other thing is we don't fight in front of our son. We don't want him being in that type of environment.

That's good to hear. Working it out is the best option most of the time. Good for you jot fighting in front of your son. That's hard to do. That's a big reason I divorced #2. She was bipolar and would go into a rage at the drop of a hat for no reason anywhere. Bad example for a 7yr old, my daughter from 1st marriage.

**Hoggage_54** · 08-24-2014, 07:10 PM

**Darkness** · 08-24-2014, 08:06 PM

Originally Posted by PistolPete33

We had a long fight/talk today and we're going to try working things out. We had an amazing relationship for many many years we just need to try to get back to where we were. With a lot of effort and changes we hope it will work. We both also agreed that if we continue to fight then it's simply time to move on. The other thing is we don't fight in front of our son. We don't want him being in that type of environment.

Best thing you can do. Be the better one and recommend to her that you both seek some counseling. It will show her initiative on your part as well. I dont know what the fights are about but if you had a great relationship and things went south normally its an affair or financials. These are normally terminal cases, if its not that, then you guys can work it out. Make an effort and motivate her to do the same. Change things around a little bit. Bring the romance back, spontaneous flowers and something nice always goes far.

Good luck buddy.

**PistolPete33** · 08-24-2014, 09:18 PM

Originally Posted by Darkness

Best thing you can do. Be the better one and recommend to her that you both seek some counseling. It will show her initiative on your part as well. I dont know what the fights are about but if you had a great relationship and things went south normally its an affair or financials. These are normally terminal cases, if its not that, then you guys can work it out. Make an effort and motivate her to do the same. Change things around a little bit. Bring the romance back, spontaneous flowers and something nice always goes far.

Good luck buddy.

Great reply. Thanks for the info. It isn't an affair on either side but financially we've hit some tough times. I own my own business and we've been having some major ups and downs which has impacted us greatly. We're talking $6K per month swings take home per month so there is a lot of stress there. We agreed to really focus on our relationship and work towards getting the business more stable so we're not having financial issues.

**evander87** · 08-25-2014, 12:19 AM

Get a mediator!!! If she lawyers up you'll have to do so and in the end the lawyers are the people that win. My divorce cost me $187,000.

**lovbyts** · 08-25-2014, 12:34 AM

Originally Posted by evander87

Get a mediator!!! If she lawyers up you'll have to do so and in the end the lawyers are the people that win. My divorce cost me $187,000.

That's just wrong. There is no reason it should cost that much and Ill bet it didnt cost HER that. $200K, That can be life changing for most people. I'm glad my 1st attorney was very reasonable and good to boot. I never got an attorney for the 2nd time and she only had one for a few days. After I talked to her attorney she actually told my almost ex she didn't need her services. Another rarity.

**diesel101** · 08-25-2014, 10:14 AM

I was young when I got divorced and it was very civil we only had one lawyer and I took all of the bills because I knew I would get stuck with them anyway.

Someone asked me if my divorce was expensive and worth the money? I asked them if you had a knife stuck in your back how much would you pay to have it removed and make the pain go away?

**paulzane** · 08-25-2014, 10:19 AM

My ex booked me in for some counselling. I was in the UK for some business and she was in Bahrain so she arranged for me to go to a counsellor that she knew. At the end of the session after lots of chatting she just said to me .... I think you should get divorced!! lol

**Mp859** · 08-25-2014, 10:30 AM

Originally Posted by paulzane

My ex booked me in for some counselling. I was in the UK for some business and she was in Bahrain so she arranged for me to go to a counsellor that she knew. At the end of the session after lots of chatting she just said to me .... I think you should get divorced!! lol

The counselor said this?

**paulzane** · 08-25-2014, 10:45 AM

Yep ..... I thought it was funny! I could have saved myself £50 for that ...... but I guess she was being honest!!

**Mp859** · 08-25-2014, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by paulzane

Yep ..... I thought it was funny! I could have saved myself £50 for that ...... but I guess she was being honest!!

I didn't think they were supposed to do that.

**paulzane** · 08-25-2014, 11:07 AM

She did say something like ...."I don't think I should really be telling you this,but, from what you have told me today I think you should get divorced!"

It still took me a few more years to get divorced so cost me a few more ten's of thousand $$$

**lovbyts** · 08-25-2014, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by paulzane

My ex booked me in for some counselling. I was in the UK for some business and she was in Bahrain so she arranged for me to go to a counsellor that she knew. At the end of the session after lots of chatting she just said to me .... I think you should get divorced!! lol

That's funny, I had sort of the same thing happen with the 2nd wife. She had been seeing a counselor off and on for 5 or 6 years and wanted me to see him when we were first talking divorce.

At the end of the 1st or 2nd session he told her she was the cause of the problems. Remember he also knew her history from before me.

She stopped going to him after that. LoL