Knowledgeable Member
I ask this because I've been fighting nonstop with my wife now to the point I might be moving out. We NEVER go out on dates or away for the night. Last time we did was way back in April which is total B.S. She doesn't think it's a huge deal and I'm sick of not being an adult. I love my family (we have 1 boy) but if I don't have my adult time I can't be happy. Just curious those with young children how often you go away for the night with your other half?
Elite-AR-Hall of Famer
ive been married 6 years and we rarely go on dates. we do vacation 2-3 times per year though.
i dont understand what u mean by being sick of not being an adult and adult time?
HRT Specialist ~ AR-Platinum Elite-Hall of Famer ~
I tried that when I was married, but my wife at the time, did not like when I brought my dates home.
~ PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR SOURCE CHECKS ~
"It's human nature in a 'more is better' society full of a younger generation that expects instant gratification, then complain when they don't get it. The problem will get far worse before it gets better". ~ kelkel
Knowledgeable Member
We never have time to be a couple. We don't vacation and we never do things as a couple. I love being a dad but I need time alone wth my wife tooOriginally Posted by --->>405<<---
Elite-AR-Hall of Famer
^^^ so is that ur only complaint? when u say time alone u mean without ur son?
Anabolic Member
We have a great group of friends and hang out all the time, we do plenty of adult things together. My kids are grown now, 15 and 19, so I don't have to worry about sitters but do have to come home at night if the younger one doesn't go to a family members to spend the night. I have been very lucky over the years with support from both our parents, taking the kids at a very young age for overnight stays. I feel for ya Pete, staying home all the time and not doing anything stimulating can wear on you, sucks that your wife isn't in to it. Maybe once your son is a bit older she will be ok with leaving him with a sitter so you can go out and have some fun together.
Knowledgeable Member
Yes, I would like to go out more than once or twice per year alone without my son. I don't think I'm asking for anything out of the ordinary
Senior Member
I'd say once a month at a minimum is being reasonable. Especially if your son is over a year old. He needs to spend some time with granny!
Elite-AR-Hall of Famer
If thats ur only complaint i think u are way over reacting. Not to mention u say u may be moving out and abandoning ur family cuz u dont go on enuff dates?? That seems to me to be more of a female issue.
Dont think ive ever met a guy who complained he didnt go on enuff dates with his wife,.
VET
read a little deeper man I believe he is saying that he isn't getting enough time with the wife for sex...date night=sex to a married man usually...and sexual frustration can make you unreasonably crazy minded if your libido is always on fire...
Neurologically Intact
I might as well say I'm married - going on 6 years together
We go out at least 2-4x a month - sometimes more. I kinda wish it was less sometimes because we drink & eat out. Which equals more fat for me.
We are very lucky to have babysitters pretty much at any time. She's got 3 sister who live 500 feet from our house.
I don't know how people's relationships survive through some of the stuff I hear.
Member
Well ill throw my experience out here. Rather personal so I hope it helps. (Long story) I was fresh out of jail 28 months. Ment her as soon as I got out. We have lived together since the hour we met. I was 24 she just turned 21. 12 months later has our first house and kid. 12 months later a second. 2005 ergot married and things got stale. We did our own thing. She cheated I didn't. I alway knew but she never admitted it things were ok but not fun from till about 2 yrs ago she broke down and said she did cheat. I believe it was a 1 time thing. After I found out I told her I was talking to another girl. (Facebook)which we no longer have. So the wife wanted to meet her. The other girl said ok cause we never did anything. Well we all went out for drinks and all 3 of us got it on. That was the hall pass according to my wife. Havnt spoke to the other girl since. Since then we vowed for us and our kids to start over and be best friends first. Be 100% open even if it hurts. So over the past 2 years we go out every Friday for drinks and cheat meal after the gym. Saturday is family night. Usually movies or something paint ball ect..... My opinion here is marriage is a lot of work for both sides. You need to be forgiving and non judgementel. And both of you need to want it to work. Honesty is key then next I believed are nights are a must. Even if 1 time a month. We stay at a hotel prob every 6 months just to get away. Role play ect... Spice things up. If your can't have fun it's time to move on. We aren't here long enough to waste time.
We have never been so happy till past 2 years. And she's my work out partner
Last edited by Iceberg; 11-23-2014 at 08:59 AM.
Knowledgeable Member
Actual date night rarely, once every 2 months or so. Neither of us are into clubs and movies are usually family oriented since we have a daughter.
We just finally did are first vacation without any kids and it was nice. It would be nice to do a little more just her and I once in a while though, at least once a month.
Knowledgeable Elite ~ Respected Female Leader ~
Pistol. You've written a few threads now if I am not mistaken. Biz issue, mother in law....and I am not saying that married couples don't have issues....but seems there's something going on with the relationship.
Relationships have to be cultivated and because it's good one week doesn't mean it's gonna remain that way.
No one leaves a spouse over no date nights. I can't imagine not wanting to go out with a partner. I would be buying new shoes, new perfume, making myself pretty, jumping at the chance to have a night out.
Do you not have a trusting sitter? What's holding her back???
Junior Member
you are moving out cause you have to be responsible? sounds like you have bigger issues.... It shouldnt be too hard to find a relative to babysit for 4 hours so you can go out to eat and see a movie... Unless he is less than 6 months old, then you should just suck it up
Knowledgeable Member
The problem is multi-fold. My wife is crazy cheap and doesn't wet want to spend money and she's a crazy homebody and is happy watching tv and doing nothing. I can't do that or I go crazy. I want to get out and get dressed up and bring that fire back to our relationship. Part of the problem is we don't have anyone to take our son when we go out. Her mother promised to take him a few weeks back but bailed on us because she didn't approve that I bought a new gun.
My wife hardly ever dresses up and wear makeup but when she does she looks insanely hot. I'm sorry if it shallow but I love when she gets done up and we have a ton of passion. I hate only having regular sex once or twice per week and I want more. I don't think it makes me a bad husband that I want to spend more alone time with my wife. I hate that she watches so much tv and never wants to do anything. Because if this we fight a lot because she won't put any more effort into us and it drives me insane and keeps me from being happy. Sex is a major part of my life and the same is not true for her. Makes it hard for me to stay happy
Junior Member
you sound very very very shallow.... Sex once a week is normal for a married couple, with kids even more so.... She has work and to take care of a kid and a house and likely you and you want her to dress up and put makeup on.... sounds like you are very immature, and not ready for married life... I look forward to coming home from work and watching TV with me wife, "going out" or "date night" is having dinner at a diner.... it sounds like you were ready for married life never mind having kids, and you just want to still enjoy the single life, but you should have thought about that before having a child....
Knowledgeable Member
If a couple can't make time for each other the relationship won't work. Just because other married couples have sex once per week doesn't mean I have to settle for that. You're right I shouldn't have gotten married because I still want a relationship with my wife. I do more for my family in a week than you do in a month so go **** yourself
Junior Member
going to be hard for you to keep doing more for your family in a week than I do in a month once you have moved out..... LOL But thanks for attacking me when you are the one posting for help with your failing marriage and family. That is always appreciated....
Knowledgeable Member
You come on attacking me that I'm shallow and that I wasn't ready for married life and expect me not to retaliate. I don't need your advice.
Knowledgeable Elite ~ Respected Female Leader ~
So you married your opposite.....this often happens. The same things that were attractive now aren't. This is when marriage gets interesting. You may find that a date night in is more appealing to her. Order take out and get a movie. Snuggle at home. Don't forget to get a sitter. Light some candles. You get ready as if you are going out....met her half way. Make it is special nite in.
Neurologically Intact
I am very selfish & that's just life - it took me a long time to admit to.
But, if I am not getting what I need in a relationship why should I sacrifice? Of course if it something out of the control of either of us - that's life. But, I am not going to suffer from someone's half assed behavior - this goes both way. If I am the one not fulfilling my duties I see no reason why she would not feel the same way.
Sex once a week - straight fvck that, again both ways. If I told my woman that she'd b pissed.
GL bro - look at the whole situation thoroughly - not every marriage or relationship is meant to work. But, all require work where it's due.
Member
Fück that he's not shallow at all. We have sex 4-5x a week. While on rag or not. Couple need to be willing to do what tho don't want to do to make their partner happy. It goes both ways. Give to get. I must be shallow also. We go to a dive bar she gets all done up like she's on the red carpet and I'm in sweats and a T shirt.
Member
Have you tried buying her outfits or doing stupid girly shit? Maybe hire a maid for a day on the weekend let her relax then dinner that night. Us as men tend to get lazy and forget how to truly treat a woman. One they are getting what they want (emotionally) they shut down on us.
Knowledgeable Member
I do it all the time. I always buy her things and encourage her to look nice. I like the maid idea maybe I will give that a shit. In going to try an experiment over the next month or so and I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom and keep it that way for the entire month. See if that changes anything
Member
It's hard bro. I know with us we had built up anger towards each other. Idk man. Try and talk to her. Tell her the truth. Your not happy and hurting. And if something doesn't change take a break. Me and my wife promised ea other not to waste anymore time. If one of us decides it's time to go. It will suck but it is what it is. Have you asked her why she is the way she is? Is she hiding anger towards you?
Associate Member
my wife and i will be celebrating 29 years of marriage next week and we have 5 adult children, so i have a bit of experience in this area...
1. it is perfectly acceptable for you to express your wishes/desires/needs. doesn't mean you always get what you want, but it is fine to express that you would like to go out on a date with her. it is certainly a reasonable request.
2. any healthy relationship involves compromise. my wife is much more social than i am. i'm the one who is content to stay home every night. but once in awhile, we will go out with friends to meet her need/desire to socialize. i think it is reasonable for your wife to do the same for you. that might be once a month, or once every other month or whatever you agree on.
3. what would happen if you arranged for a sitter and then just told her "baby, put on your sexiest dress. i've got a sitter lined up and i'm taking you out tonight!"?
4. it is VERY important for a husband and wife to maintain their relationship AS husband and wife after kids start to arrive. my wife and i made it a priority to get away alone for an overnight at least once or twice a year - sometimes more often. i believe that decision is paying dividends now that the kids are (almost) gone.
good luck.
Anabolic Member
Give it some time, she is in a rut, it happens with young children. Moving out is a big step, look at the long term, if you feel it will not work long term, then might be time to move on. It is worth trying to hold it together though, for your boy's sake.
Productive Member
i have been in your situation at various times over the last 27 years. at this point dates don't matter as much to me, but we do have them probably once a month, and they are really awesome when they happen. i agree with others input that:
compromise is a key part of making the marriage work
be as open and honest (and constructive) as you can about what's important to you.
keep trying new things... something will stick.
it takes time to change the tone of a relationship - in my case, it took a couple of years to change from constant stress / fighting between us to empathy and consideration. it was worth it in my case.
good luck.
Knowledgeable Member
The problem we have is we don't have anyone to take our 6 year old son. My father can't do it because his health is failing and it would be too much of a burdon. My brother and his wife use to take him but they moved to the other side of the country so that's not happening. Sometimes, my other brother can take him but he's not the most generous. I will NEVER again allow my mother in law to take him because she screwed us over a few weeks ago and bailed on us at the last second for the dumbest reason. It totally sucks.
Member
Play dates? Does he have a friends he can go to during the day for a few hours? Then the following week you guys watch their kid for a few.
Associate Member
you can hire a baby sitter once in awhile, or work out a baby-sitting swap like this post suggests.
AR-Hall of Famer
Haha yeah. My definition of a date is something you do in order to convince a stranger to sleep with you. Women usually want "date nights" with their bf/husband.
New Member
I've been married 20 years. My kids are 9 and 10. We spent 6 or 7 years with a couple date nights a year. We were having quiet sex 1 a week unless kids were at grandma's house 2 or 3 times per year. Once the kids get more independent it gets better. When junior is out of the room and you connect through a kiss or hug is she responsive ? If not she may be a mommy zombie.
Her mind could be totally fried from the grind. She needs you to take over some worrisome chore forever. If you want date night and sex then monthly hire the house cleaned, plan a date, and get some child care. When her mind is free her libido should be aroused once again. A heathly vagina turns a hardon soft in no time. If not get her hormones checked. Check for depression. Cancel cable. Whatever.
You may need to kick start sex again. Kids take the energy right out of it. We tried to have sex every day for 30 days. That was a year and half ago. Sex is now 2 to 4 times per week. We have 1 or 2 adult weekends a year now and we have crazy sex and fall in love all over again.
I am a marriage therapist...tell her your therapist says we have to express our passionate love or we will lose it then ask what she suggests to accomplish it.
Knowledgeable Member
Best advise on this thread so far....I'm a newly wed. ...so dint have much to offer....but I will actually be doing number 3 sometime soonmy wife and i will be celebrating 29 years of marriage next week and we have 5 adult children, so i have a bit of experience in this area...
1. it is perfectly acceptable for you to express your wishes/desires/needs. doesn't mean you always get what you want, but it is fine to express that you would like to go out on a date with her. it is certainly a reasonable request.
2. any healthy relationship involves compromise. my wife is much more social than i am. i'm the one who is content to stay home every night. but once in awhile, we will go out with friends to meet her need/desire to socialize. i think it is reasonable for your wife to do the same for you. that might be once a month, or once every other month or whatever you agree on.
3. what would happen if you arranged for a sitter and then just told her "baby, put on your sexiest dress. i've got a sitter lined up and i'm taking you out tonight!"?
4. it is VERY important for a husband and wife to maintain their relationship AS husband and wife after kids start to arrive. my wife and i made it a priority to get away alone for an overnight at least once or twice a year - sometimes more often. i believe that decision is paying dividends now that the kids are (almost) gone.
good luck.
Neurologically Intact
Good thread - shows how different everyone's expectations really are
Reading through all of the posts - In our case, neither one of us to would survive under these circumstances. We def don't take for granted being able to do what we want - most of the post from above make me want to cringe. There's no way I could maintain sanity
Knowledgeable Member
I totally agree 1000%. I've always gone after what I've wanted and never settled. Why should we have to settle here? If it is important to us why should we have to do without? I do a boat-load for my wife and my family and I love them to death. That said, I'm not going to be miserable and have to always do without because she won't have fun. I would rather move on. This has been a fight for the past 6 years so it's nothing new. Just getting to my breaking point.
Neurologically Intact
Like one of the posts mentioned - We were in a quite similar situation, we agreed - whatever one thinks, let the other know. No matter how bad, ever since our relationship has been at it's best.
I let a lot of skeletons out of my closet, she had none. . . . . I came clean with everything I have been doing for years without her. After everything went down, I realized what's most important and what had to go. She wanted to be included in some of the shit I have been doing & felt most upset just because I just kept her out of the circle.
From how she handled all of this made me think quite differently of her - in a positive way.
A real true relationship is all a trade off - not one is alike & what works for one will most likely not work for another
In our case, we just started like it was day one - 4 years after we were together. It was a trip, that's for sure
Member
Yep a day 1 restart is good. I promised to remarry my wife once she is comfy in a bikini again. So good go me and motivation for her. Win/win. Keep your head up pistol. Don't give up but don't settle. Find a happy medium.
Last edited by Iceberg; 11-23-2014 at 08:25 PM.
Senior Member
Pistol I hear what ur saying. I've been with my wife for 26 yrs and there is always peaks and valleys when it comes to sex after the honeymoon phase is over. Our constant is that we were and still are best friends. I have a much higher libido than her especially while running synthetics. We both work from home and are home alone everyday. Most of the time I want to rip her clothes off but sometimes I have to realize that she is not all about it. One thing I have realized over the years is that if my wife is intellectually satisfied ( talking to her about whatever is on her mind) she feels much more connected to me and my needs. Sometimes things are tough in a relationship and even though you are sacrificing things that are important to you, you may need to sacrifice some more to get through. I can guarantee you anyone that has been married for awhile will tell you the same thing. Having a family and being true to it is no easy feat. But I love my family and would have missed some very special things if I gave into my own wants and needs. I would be patient and not caught up on your own needs. I wish you all the luck!!
Last edited by Joco71; 11-23-2014 at 09:03 PM.
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