Depressed? A healthy way out!

[hammerheart]

I always new pussy was easier to interact with in Philippines but had no idea how horrible women are in the USA (I know not all but the majority for sure). Living in China taught me how utterly depressed women make all males in the USA. Chinese women are not perfect but they do not go out of their way to be cheap losers thinking they are the bomb.

Well you know, if you are annoyed by women, there is a straightforward alternative...

[hammerheart]

I'm obsessed with one particular person. Comes and goes from my dreams. The best solution would be seek something new, but I don't have the resources right now, I feel drained mentally and frankly I don't know what to do.

[hollowedzeus]

I'm obsessed with one particular person. Comes and goes from my dreams. The best solution would be seek something new, but I don't have the resources right now, I feel drained mentally and frankly I don't know what to do.

Is it the girl that you mentioned a while ago?

[hammerheart]

Is it the girl that you mentioned a while ago?

Yep, and the problem with her is she despises me utterly, or the person I was once, but at best it's hard to convince ppl (especially women lol) that you've changed, also because I wasn't given the possibility.

[hollowedzeus]

Yep, and the problem with her is she despises me utterly, or the person I was once, but at best it's hard to convince ppl (especially women lol) that you've changed.

If there's one thing in the world that you can't force, it's people's opinions of you. It won't change overnight. The absolute best you can do is be yourself. If she at the end of the day doesn't change her thoughts.... There isn't alot of things that can be done... I'm assuming it's not the sort of situation that can be spoke over a 'glass' of coffee.... makes it that little bit harder

[hammerheart]

If there's one thing in the world that you can't force, it's people's opinions of you. It won't change overnight. The absolute best you can do is be yourself. If she at the end of the day doesn't change her thoughts.... There isn't alot of things that can be done... I'm assuming it's not the sort of situation that can be spoke over a 'glass' of coffee.... makes it that little bit harder

Of course we can't, it's not in our control. I didn't mean "convince" as a direct face-to-face attempt at explaining things, but just having the chance to show what you've become, to act naturally because no words would be needed, really.

There is nothing I can do now btw.

[hollowedzeus]

Of course we can't, it's not in our control. I didn't mean "convince" as a direct face-to-face attempt at explaining things, but just having the chance to show what you've become, to act naturally because no words would be needed, really.

There is nothing I can do now btw.

Im sorry to hear that:/ ...

[RaginCajun]

Of course we can't, it's not in our control. I didn't mean "convince" as a direct face-to-face attempt at explaining things, but just having the chance to show what you've become, to act naturally because no words would be needed, really.

There is nothing I can do now btw.

time to find a new adventure to pursue

[DocToxin8]

Of course we can't, it's not in our control. I didn't mean "convince" as a direct face-to-face attempt at explaining things, but just having the chance to show what you've become, to act naturally because no words would be needed, really.

There is nothing I can do now btw.

Just let it go Biz.
This is really toxic for you.

I know I let women go a bit too easy,
If I feel I've opened up or done something stupid or something,
and try to apologize or reconnect and feel that doesn't immediately fix the problem I have a tendency to think
"Fuck it, I am who I am" (which is good), and then;
"So if we're having these problems now, wtf about later? Maybe time to see someone else?" (Which isn't so good)

But you, you need to think a little more like that I think.

[DocToxin8]

Just understand, I'm not just talking about sex here Biz,
but more about connecting to others.

If you feel like you're disconnected from someone you once did have a connection with, physical or otherwise,
it's best to just remember who you are,
that your good enough and live life.

Chances are that if you take care of yourself and be happy,
this will change how women view you.
Not to mention being obsessed with something that causes you pain is really toxic. It's just bad.
It's just the same as if you were obsessed over some lack or flaw about yourself. Be it money, work, or anything.

We must be good to ourselves. This ain't a kind world.
And in turn one can be good to others.

[MToption2]

Just understand, I'm not just talking about sex here Biz,
but more about connecting to others.

If you feel like you're disconnected from someone you once did have a connection with, physical or otherwise,
it's best to just remember who you are,
that your good enough and live life.

Chances are that if you take care of yourself and be happy,
this will change how women view you.
Not to mention being obsessed with something that causes you pain is really toxic. It's just bad.
It's just the same as if you were obsessed over some lack or flaw about yourself. Be it money, work, or anything.

We must be good to ourselves. This ain't a kind world.
And in turn one can be good to others.

Well said. Very toxic indeed. It sounds pretty bad if she repeatedly shows up in dreams. Drastic problems require drastic solutions. Change your environment (Take a long vacation by travel with friends, move to another town, job change, etc). The gym alone isn't sufficient lol. Keep your mind distracted. Over time, you'll naturally forget her. What has she done to deserve that much allotted hippocampus space? Reality is she's getting creampied by another dude. Same with my exes/friendzoned girls most likely. Fuck it. It's imperative you understand the magnitude of the age old saying "you aren't getting any younger". You'll have plenty of time for regret after you retire. Now your game is a little better. You failed? Good, now go on and fail again.

[Obs]

Yep, and the problem with her is she despises me utterly, or the person I was once, but at best it's hard to convince ppl (especially women lol) that you've changed, also because I wasn't given the possibility.

True love and despise are almost indestinguishable, in many ways.

[hammerheart]

Just understand, I'm not just talking about sex here Biz,
but more about connecting to others.

If you feel like you're disconnected from someone you once did have a connection with, physical or otherwise,
it's best to just remember who you are,
that your good enough and live life.

Chances are that if you take care of yourself and be happy,
this will change how women view you.
Not to mention being obsessed with something that causes you pain is really toxic. It's just bad.
It's just the same as if you were obsessed over some lack or flaw about yourself. Be it money, work, or anything.

We must be good to ourselves. This ain't a kind world.
And in turn one can be good to others.

It's not about sex indeed and it doesn't cause me pain anymore, after some time of "exposure" you just go numb at some point.

Women... I don't really care anymore.

Well said. Very toxic indeed. It sounds pretty bad if she repeatedly shows up in dreams. Drastic problems require drastic solutions. Change your environment (Take a long vacation by travel with friends, move to another town, job change, etc). The gym alone isn't sufficient lol. Keep your mind distracted. Over time, you'll naturally forget her. What has she done to deserve that much allotted hippocampus space? Reality is she's getting creampied by another dude. Same with my exes/friendzoned girls most likely. Fuck it. It's imperative you understand the magnitude of the age old saying "you aren't getting any younger". You'll have plenty of time for regret after you retire. Now your game is a little better. You failed? Good, now go on and fail again.

Mate the environment I live in is 1000% more poisonous than this will ever be, and a source of major stress.

I do need to leave toxic people and memories behind, push the reset button and move anywhere else... but the issue it's the same, I'm too much mentally drained already and have no energy.

I don't really wish to go into detail about what brought this so far, it happens in times of darkness you seek for a light to lead you on the path, and this special person had this role for me... literally rescued me as a human being, I'd otherwise be either dead or completely broken.

In reality I'd just wish to preserve this as a positive memory and nothing more as I don't own many ones, it's just the are periods I'm biten from old ghosts telling me "what if" I behaved that way or didn't commit a particular mistake, but it's ok....

[MuscleScience]

Been really struggling as of late with keeping positive and motivated. Surprise surprise, yesterday was my first workout in over a week. Travel and putting in my resignation at work has kept me away from the gym.

It's like when I exercise, I'm a completely different person. Usually for the better...

[Obs]

Been really struggling as of late with keeping positive and motivated. Surprise surprise, yesterday was my first workout in over a week. Travel and putting in my resignation at work has kept me away from the gym.

It's like when I exercise, I'm a completely different person. Usually for the better...

Stay after it, dont lose site of your goals. Judging from the forum a lot of us are having motivation issues. Its been really slow in here lately. Stay moving man.

[Obs]

From American Gods:

"If he walked, he discovered, he did not have to think, and that was just the way he liked it; when he thought, his mind went to places he could not control, places that made him feel uncomfortable. Exhaustion was the best thing. When he was exhausted, his thoughts did not wander to Laura, or to the strange dreams, or to things that were not and could not be. He would return home from walking, and sleep without difficulty and without dreaming."

Perhaps why the novel stuck with me a decade, physical exhaustion leads to mental peace. Too busy hurting and focused to let the bad thoughts in. Weights allow me to leave the bad memories and focus more on the task at hand.

[Quester]

Been really struggling as of late with keeping positive and motivated. Surprise surprise, yesterday was my first workout in over a week. Travel and putting in my resignation at work has kept me away from the gym.

It's like when I exercise, I'm a completely different person. Usually for the better...

Hey MS,
Perhaps a part of it is the transitions in your life, occupational and health? It helps to know what is behind the feelings that we have. You need to approach working out different than before but you're not going to stop (nor have to stop) working out. So, you don't have to worry about not being able to workout. You need to do your new job in a different way than your old job but your not going to stop working (nor have too). So, you don't need to worry about that either. Sometimes we worry in order to prompt thought. This is productive. Perhaps you can take confidence that, because you are a man who has proven to himself that he has the ability to accomplish his goals, he will continue to accomplish his goals. So, (next) what are my goals and how will I accomplish then. Time to start making plans, not time to doubt your proven track record.

[Quester]

I shouldn't have stayed away from this thread. I'm just new to the idea of having a community of which to be a part that I can feel is safe enough. It is hard opening up but it helps.

[MuscleScience]

I shouldn't have stayed away from this thread. I'm just new to the idea of having a community of which to be a part that I can feel is safe enough. It is hard opening up but it helps.

You're completely right, my motivations for working out and the why if you will do need to change. My problem is as of right now, I don't know exactly what I want my fitness goals to be. At first it was to get my knee healthy and stay healthy. Which for the most part I have done, now that I'm there. Now what? That's an unresolved question for me at the moment.

[MToption2]

physical exhaustion leads to mental peace.

This. I mean slaving away on the fields is one thing but with the gym this is true.

[Couchlock]

My sick mind sees this title every single day and automatically my mind completes the sentence with this "buy a bullet, rent a gun".

For fucks sake why is that my default thought process...

[Obs]

My sick mind sees this title every single day and automatically my mind completes the sentence with this "buy a bullet, rent a gun".

For fucks sake why is that my default thought process...

Edited! Lmao! Wrong threaad/topic

[Quester]

My sick mind sees this title every single day and automatically my mind completes the sentence with this "buy a bullet, rent a gun".

For fucks sake why is that my default thought process...

LOL.
CKD,
Please don't do that. The LOL is because of the brilliance of "renting" a gun. Pure Genius!

[Quester]

CKD,
A man who has worked as hard as you have and accomplished as much as you have only has these thoughts becuase they are familiar to the old you. The real you doesn't have a need to examine his place in the world with those emotions.

MS,
Perhaps you need competition, contest or goals? Now that you've maxed-out in this arena, maybe your goals in working out could supplement a new goal in another arena? Maybe you would benefit by a challenge which partly relies upon the skills and knowledge you've built in working out?

[Couchlock]

CKD,
A man who has worked as hard as you have and accomplished as much as you have only has these thoughts becuase they are familiar to the old you. The real you doesn't have a need to examine his place in the world with those emotions.

MS,
Perhaps you need competition, contest or goals? Now that you've maxed-out in this arena, maybe your goals in working out could supplement a new goal in another arena? Maybe you would benefit by a challenge which partly relies upon the skills and knowledge you've built in working out?

Its just that my mind reads it that way.

I don't have those motives anymore.

This hobby changed my life. In a real Good way.
Thanks For the kind words

[MuscleScience]

CKD,
A man who has worked as hard as you have and accomplished as much as you have only has these thoughts becuase they are familiar to the old you. The real you doesn't have a need to examine his place in the world with those emotions.

MS,
Perhaps you need competition, contest or goals? Now that you've maxed-out in this arena, maybe your goals in working out could supplement a new goal in another arena? Maybe you would benefit by a challenge which partly relies upon the skills and knowledge you've built in working out?

I have pondered competing in the classic physique division. My upper body doesn't really fit in well with physique but I don't know if I can bring my legs up enough for Classic. I'm kinda in between in both respects.

Btw Quester, you're a good dude you should post more!

[Obs]

I have pondered competing in the classic physique division. My upper body doesn't really fit in well with physique but I don't know if I can bring my legs up enough for Classic. I'm kinda in between in both respects.

Btw Quester, you're a good dude you should post more!

I agree, quester is a cool guy, level headed to boot.

[ThisIsMyJamZ]

Thanks for the thread MS. As someone who suffered through depression for a number of years without actually knowing what it was I was going through, finding supportive people in my life who didn't just know what the hell was going on, but were willing to sit down and listen while I rambled helped a lot. And I'm thinking this thread will do the same for many people. It's very easy to put up the 'Whatevs, just get on with it, you're a real guy' front, but it gets you nowhere. It's little surprise that suicide rates are that much higher amongst men in some countries: we just don't talk about it. If you don't feel like you can? It sucks. Even more so when - at least from personal experience - being in the midst of depression leaves you feeling crazy a lot of the time. If you have people backing those thought processes up? it just makes it worse.

As for me, I found exercise (go figure!), medication (it helps! And it's nothing to be ashamed of. My brain meat was sick and it needed help. There's nothing wrong with that), as well as someone to talk to is what eventually helped me work my way out of it. Well, I'm not completely out of it - I don't think anyone ever really is - but at least in the place I am now I'm able to recognise when I'm falling down the slippery slope and give myself a hand to stand back up. It's a long path at times, but no one is walking it alone!

[Dj Screw]

Thank you for making this thread Muscle Science and to everyone who has spilled their guts and posted their stories, I really needed to read this. It's good to know that people can come back from serious problems and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have NEVER talked about my problems/depression with anyone ever, until now on this forum. I don't believe in shrinks or mental medication because my mother used to take medication and I know it made her worse. I have always put on the tuff guy act on the outside, but inside I am dying and have been since I was a little, with a few ups and more downs than I can count. This is going to be a really long post, and there are going to be a lot disturbing things in what I am about to type. Please don't judge me or think less of me from what you are about to read

When I was born, my father was a multi-millionaire. Me and my family lived in a million dollar house, pool, owned 5 cars(porsche, mercedes, bmw, and a brand new truck and suburban). I would like to think life was good for my family at that time and everyone was happy and healthy.

I am the youngest of 3 children and have 2 older sisters. When i was about 8 years old my oldest sister who was 14-15 at the time started to molest me, constantly. This continued until I was about 11-12 until I finally broke down and tried to tell my mother what my sister was doing. I was always the problem child in school getting into trouble and my oldest sister made straight A's and was my mothers favorite child by far (still is). When I told my mother what was going on with my sister, she gave me the beating of my life and told me "If you ever say lies like that again we are going to send you off to military school and you will never see us(my family) again" The molesting finally stopped when I was about 12 years old.

Like I was saying earlier, my father was extremely wealthy when I was a child. His parents were wealthy and bought him his own business. He turned a small record shop in the 1970s into a high end audio/video/electronic and home theatre store that lasted for 24 years. Eventually the big stores took over his industry for the most part. When he saw in the paper one day that Wal-Mart was selling the same TV's as he was for what he was paying wholesale he knew he was in trouble. Instead of cutting his losses and closing the store, he dumped all of his money into it trying to keep it alive because it was all he knew for decades... but it failed anyways and he filed for Bankrupcy and had to sell everything. This is when him and my mother started fighting, constantly. We moved to a much smaller house and things continued to get worse. By the time I was 13 I was breaking up physical fights between my parents, and my mother was the one who was the one beating my Dad, he never laid a hand on my mother. I would come in and try to break up the fights and they would continue like I wasn't even there, no matter how hard I yelled and cried. One night she beat him with a shoe in the face and gave him black eyes, and threw his father's (my grandfathers watch, the last thing my Dad had to remember his father) against the wall and it broke to pieces. I went to sleep every night for years listening to my parents yell/scream and slam doors. All over money, plain and simple.

Eventually after both of my sisters were in college, things obviously got even worse financially for my father and we ended up getting evicted and moved into a shitty apartment that wasn't safe, both of my parents cars got broken into within the first week. We lived there for 2 years before we got evicted again because my mother refused to help pay the rent with her paycheck and my Dad simply couldnt keep 2 kids in college/dorms and sorroritys and clothes and books and take care of me and my mom at the same time. I know what you are thinking, "it's his own fault for living above his financial means" but that wasn't the case, he was always the first one to sacrifice and gave my family everything he had. The problem was nothing was ever good enough for my mother or sisters, even when we lived in the million dollar house I remember vividly all of them complaining to my father and wanting to either move into an even bigger house or addon to the house, like it wasn't good enough for them....funny how things work because a few years later we were getting evicted from a $900 a month apartment.

I couldn't watch this go on anymore, and I had to find a way to help out and make money. I was 16 years old and, without going into to much detail...I started selling illegal things. I was good at what I did, never got caught and I was bringing in about $2000 a week profit. By this time my father was in horrible debt. My mother started teaching school after we had to move out of the house I was born in, and she never filed for "Federal Withholding" which is basically where the Government takes out the taxes from your paycheck for you. This went on for years without my father knowing and it ended up being over $60,000 owed in taxes, and my father was responsible as well because they were married. Some of the $60,000 was surely from my father, but most was from my mother not paying her taxes from her paychecks for years. Like I said before, I was bringing in money and I let my father know, and I helped him out EVERYTIME he asked, no questions. I was giving him anywhere from $500-$1000 a week. Once the IRS started to come after him and threatened to garnish his and my moms paychecks (go after their income for years and any/all assets until the $60,000 was paid) if he didn't make a $13000 payment against the $60,000. So he came to me and said he needed as much help as I could give him, and that he had to take care of it before Friday at 5 pm. I assured him I would do everything I could and I would have everything I could by Thursday night. I came home on Tuesday night and had got rid of all of my product already and had all of my money in my hiding spot ready to give my Father. Wednesday I went out and did a few things to free up some more money, when I got home I walked into my room and saw money all over the ground and someone had stolen my money. I had $11,600 in my hiding spot and a little over $3000 on me in my pocket that I had freed up that day. I have never been so shocked in my life. I was VERY careful with what I did, and nobody but my bestfriends knew where I lived, I made sure of that. I was so confused as to who would have or could have done this, the last thing on my mind was that it was my father, because I was going to give him the money anyways. I woke him up (my parents slept in seperate rooms) and told him someone had broken into our house and stolen the $11,600 I was going to give him for the taxes and now I only had a little over $3000 to give him. He very calmly said that it was okay..., and I still didn't realize he was the one who had stole from me (because I figured he knew I was going to give it all to him anyways). What I think happened was he wasn't expecting me to have THAT MUCH money when i was 16, he was probably expecting me to give only $1000-3000 on Thursday and when he somehow came accross my hiding spot, he figured it was best to take the money, and that I was going to get in trouble doing whatever I was doing to make that money. I went on for a month after that constantly going crazy over who could have broken into where me and my family sleep and taken my money...until one day my father admitted he had done it. That was probably the worst day of my life, because he was the person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world, and I couldnt understand how he could take that when I was going to give it to him anyways, and on top of that not tell me that he took it. I probably never will understand that. I had helped him out countless times and he was the only person I really cared about.

I have forgiven him since. He is a great Dad and everyone makes mistakes, and that money is nothing in comparison to what he has done for me throughout my life. I put myself in his shoes and if I had a 16 year old son with a mountain of cash in small bills that was clearly from something illegal I would probably take it from him as well.....but I would have let him know it was me that took it and to stop what he was doing.

I had one positive thing I had in my life besides my father, and that was my 2 best friends I had known since I was little. They were more family to me than me own sisters. I spent more time with them than I did with my family (im sure you can understand why) They always had my back, and let me know that there is good life outside of the hell I had at home. I met a girl when I was 18, and fell in love with her. I was young, but I have never cared for a girl like I cared for her. To make a long story short, she ended up cheating on me with one of my bestfriends, and my other bestfriend turned on me as well after that happened. This was one of the darkest time of my life, because my whole life and everything good revolved around my 2 bestfriends and my girlfriend, and it all came crashing down in probably the worst way possible so quickly. All of my other friends and everyone I know were connected to my girl and bestfriends and EVERYONE of them turned on me and stuck with my friend who stabbed me in the back.... I dont know what I did to deserve that. This is when I started to fold and was going to commit suicide. Just like Nephets had posted earlier, I too was looking into the best way to kill my self, when and what to do to make it easy on everyone else. Thankfully, somehow I am still here today.

Fastforward to when I was 25. I had no friends, no girlfriend, I could no longer continue making my income illegally, I had no money saved up, and had no college or job experience. Depression is just a way of life for me at this point, everything in my life is dark and painful. I ended up broke and had to move in with my father who was now divorced from my mother, and the best I could do at the time is get a minimum wage job that would barely be enough to even pay the rent if I were to live on my own. On top of that, I started to notice that my sex drive had gone to shit and I was feeling a fatigue that's hard to explain. One night I ended up getting lucky with a girl I had met when I was trying to drink my problems away at the bar down the street. I went back to her place (because I didnt want her to goto my Dads house and know I was 28 now and living with my dad still) and I couldn't perform in bed. I had never been so ashamed in my life, and used to always take pride in making girls happy in the bedroom. This continued to get worse until I finally went to the Doctor and found out I had a Total Testosterone level of 110 on a scale of 350-950. After doing some more blood tests we discovered that my Prolactin was through the roof as well, and that I had a pituitary adenoma which caused the low t. After a failed try with Clomid, the Dr put me on Testosterone for the rest of my life. This obviously hit me hard because, it's going to be tuff to explain to a girl why I need to inject myself with testosterone at age 28 for the rest of my life and also as you all know, this stuff costs a good amount of money as well (at least to me it does)

Today I am 31 years old, and I wish I could say im better or I have at least made progress....but I havent made much. I will say though that the gym is what keeps me alive and it is the one place where I can be at peace and I can let out all the pain and anger on the weights. I don't know if I would be here if it wasn't for the gym and working out. I no longer drink or smoke.

Sorry for such a long post, and some of the disturbing things I have put in this post. I have never told ANYONE about any of this, and for some reason I am sitting here shaking typing this, even though I will never meet or speak to any of you in person.

To all the people out there having problems with depression or being wronged by other people, please stay strong....you are not alone.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest

[MuscleScience]

Thanks for the thread MS. As someone who suffered through depression for a number of years without actually knowing what it was I was going through, finding supportive people in my life who didn't just know what the hell was going on, but were willing to sit down and listen while I rambled helped a lot. And I'm thinking this thread will do the same for many people. It's very easy to put up the 'Whatevs, just get on with it, you're a real guy' front, but it gets you nowhere. It's little surprise that suicide rates are that much higher amongst men in some countries: we just don't talk about it. If you don't feel like you can? It sucks. Even more so when - at least from personal experience - being in the midst of depression leaves you feeling crazy a lot of the time. If you have people backing those thought processes up? it just makes it worse.

As for me, I found exercise (go figure!), medication (it helps! And it's nothing to be ashamed of. My brain meat was sick and it needed help. There's nothing wrong with that), as well as someone to talk to is what eventually helped me work my way out of it. Well, I'm not completely out of it - I don't think anyone ever really is - but at least in the place I am now I'm able to recognise when I'm falling down the slippery slope and give myself a hand to stand back up. It's a long path at times, but no one is walking it alone!

You're exactly right Jam, I myself spent a lot of time sick but not knowing it. Exercise really helped distract me from my problems and keep my mental health as good as it could be until I faced reality. I was never able to really face what was making unhappy, which is my career. When your that unhappy you make bad decision because your brain is not functioning at its peak. Finally, I decided to make a 180 degree career change and am going to do something that makes me happy for once., I think I can even support a family doing it too which is a bonus. But I tell ya, I for the longest time could not tell how my career choices was effecting me so negatively for so long. One day I woke up and realized that I felt trapped! One large part of me was fighting like hell to get out the other "rational," part was struggling to justify staying in. Eventually the get out part did the only thing it could do and revolted...lol

Again, I can't stress how much I didn't realize what was going on. But as I look back it's crystal clear, I think if I would have sought help professionally, maybe it could have came out sooner? Who knows.

[MuscleScience]

Thank you for making this thread Muscle Science and to everyone who has spilled their guts and posted their stories, I really needed to read this. It's good to know that people can come back from serious problems and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have NEVER talked about my problems/depression with anyone ever, until now on this forum. I don't believe in shrinks or mental medication because my mother used to take medication and I know it made her worse. I have always put on the tuff guy act on the outside, but inside I am dying and have been since I was a little, with a few ups and more downs than I can count. This is going to be a really long post, and there are going to be a lot disturbing things in what I am about to type. Please don't judge me or think less of me from what you are about to read

When I was born, my father was a multi-millionaire. Me and my family lived in a million dollar house, pool, owned 5 cars(porsche, mercedes, bmw, and a brand new truck and suburban). I would like to think life was good for my family at that time and everyone was happy and healthy.

I am the youngest of 3 children and have 2 older sisters. When i was about 8 years old my oldest sister who was 14-15 at the time started to molest me, constantly. This continued until I was about 11-12 until I finally broke down and tried to tell my mother what my sister was doing. I was always the problem child in school getting into trouble and my oldest sister made straight A's and was my mothers favorite child by far (still is). When I told my mother what was going on with my sister, she gave me the beating of my life and told me "If you ever say lies like that again we are going to send you off to military school and you will never see us(my family) again" The molesting finally stopped when I was about 12 years old.

Like I was saying earlier, my father was extremely wealthy when I was a child. His parents were wealthy and bought him his own business. He turned a small record shop in the 1970s into a high end audio/video/electronic and home theatre store that lasted for 24 years. Eventually the big stores took over his industry for the most part. When he saw in the paper one day that Wal-Mart was selling the same TV's as he was for what he was paying wholesale he knew he was in trouble. Instead of cutting his losses and closing the store, he dumped all of his money into it trying to keep it alive because it was all he knew for decades... but it failed anyways and he filed for Bankrupcy and had to sell everything. This is when him and my mother started fighting, constantly. We moved to a much smaller house and things continued to get worse. By the time I was 13 I was breaking up physical fights between my parents, and my mother was the one who was the one beating my Dad, he never laid a hand on my mother. I would come in and try to break up the fights and they would continue like I wasn't even there, no matter how hard I yelled and cried. One night she beat him with a shoe in the face and gave him black eyes, and threw his father's (my grandfathers watch, the last thing my Dad had to remember his father) against the wall and it broke to pieces. I went to sleep every night for years listening to my parents yell/scream and slam doors. All over money, plain and simple.

Eventually after both of my sisters were in college, things obviously got even worse financially for my father and we ended up getting evicted and moved into a shitty apartment that wasn't safe, both of my parents cars got broken into within the first week. We lived there for 2 years before we got evicted again because my mother refused to help pay the rent with her paycheck and my Dad simply couldnt keep 2 kids in college/dorms and sorroritys and clothes and books and take care of me and my mom at the same time. I know what you are thinking, "it's his own fault for living above his financial means" but that wasn't the case, he was always the first one to sacrifice and gave my family everything he had. The problem was nothing was ever good enough for my mother or sisters, even when we lived in the million dollar house I remember vividly all of them complaining to my father and wanting to either move into an even bigger house or addon to the house, like it wasn't good enough for them....funny how things work because a few years later we were getting evicted from a $900 a month apartment.

I couldn't watch this go on anymore, and I had to find a way to help out and make money. I was 16 years old and, without going into to much detail...I started selling illegal things. I was good at what I did, never got caught and I was bringing in about $2000 a week profit. By this time my father was in horrible debt. My mother started teaching school after we had to move out of the house I was born in, and she never filed for "Federal Withholding" which is basically where the Government takes out the taxes from your paycheck for you. This went on for years without my father knowing and it ended up being over $60,000 owed in taxes, and my father was responsible as well because they were married. Some of the $60,000 was surely from my father, but most was from my mother not paying her taxes from her paychecks for years. Like I said before, I was bringing in money and I let my father know, and I helped him out EVERYTIME he asked, no questions. I was giving him anywhere from $500-$1000 a week. Once the IRS started to come after him and threatened to garnish his and my moms paychecks (go after their income for years and any/all assets until the $60,000 was paid) if he didn't make a $13000 payment against the $60,000. So he came to me and said he needed as much help as I could give him, and that he had to take care of it before Friday at 5 pm. I assured him I would do everything I could and I would have everything I could by Thursday night. I came home on Tuesday night and had got rid of all of my product already and had all of my money in my hiding spot ready to give my Father. Wednesday I went out and did a few things to free up some more money, when I got home I walked into my room and saw money all over the ground and someone had stolen my money. I had $11,600 in my hiding spot and a little over $3000 on me in my pocket that I had freed up that day. I have never been so shocked in my life. I was VERY careful with what I did, and nobody but my bestfriends knew where I lived, I made sure of that. I was so confused as to who would have or could have done this, the last thing on my mind was that it was my father, because I was going to give him the money anyways. I woke him up (my parents slept in seperate rooms) and told him someone had broken into our house and stolen the $11,600 I was going to give him for the taxes and now I only had a little over $3000 to give him. He very calmly said that it was okay..., and I still didn't realize he was the one who had stole from me (because I figured he knew I was going to give it all to him anyways). What I think happened was he wasn't expecting me to have THAT MUCH money when i was 16, he was probably expecting me to give only $1000-3000 on Thursday and when he somehow came accross my hiding spot, he figured it was best to take the money, and that I was going to get in trouble doing whatever I was doing to make that money. I went on for a month after that constantly going crazy over who could have broken into where me and my family sleep and taken my money...until one day my father admitted he had done it. That was probably the worst day of my life, because he was the person I loved and trusted more than anyone in the world, and I couldnt understand how he could take that when I was going to give it to him anyways, and on top of that not tell me that he took it. I probably never will understand that. I had helped him out countless times and he was the only person I really cared about.

I have forgiven him since. He is a great Dad and everyone makes mistakes, and that money is nothing in comparison to what he has done for me throughout my life. I put myself in his shoes and if I had a 16 year old son with a mountain of cash in small bills that was clearly from something illegal I would probably take it from him as well.....but I would have let him know it was me that took it and to stop what he was doing.

I had one positive thing I had in my life besides my father, and that was my 2 best friends I had known since I was little. They were more family to me than me own sisters. I spent more time with them than I did with my family (im sure you can understand why) They always had my back, and let me know that there is good life outside of the hell I had at home. I met a girl when I was 18, and fell in love with her. I was young, but I have never cared for a girl like I cared for her. To make a long story short, she ended up cheating on me with one of my bestfriends, and my other bestfriend turned on me as well after that happened. This was one of the darkest time of my life, because my whole life and everything good revolved around my 2 bestfriends and my girlfriend, and it all came crashing down in probably the worst way possible so quickly. All of my other friends and everyone I know were connected to my girl and bestfriends and EVERYONE of them turned on me and stuck with my friend who stabbed me in the back.... I dont know what I did to deserve that. This is when I started to fold and was going to commit suicide. Just like Nephets had posted earlier, I too was looking into the best way to kill my self, when and what to do to make it easy on everyone else. Thankfully, somehow I am still here today.

Fastforward to when I was 25. I had no friends, no girlfriend, I could no longer continue making my income illegally, I had no money saved up, and had no college or job experience. Depression is just a way of life for me at this point, everything in my life is dark and painful. I ended up broke and had to move in with my father who was now divorced from my mother, and the best I could do at the time is get a minimum wage job that would barely be enough to even pay the rent if I were to live on my own. On top of that, I started to notice that my sex drive had gone to shit and I was feeling a fatigue that's hard to explain. One night I ended up getting lucky with a girl I had met when I was trying to drink my problems away at the bar down the street. I went back to her place (because I didnt want her to goto my Dads house and know I was 28 now and living with my dad still) and I couldn't perform in bed. I had never been so ashamed in my life, and used to always take pride in making girls happy in the bedroom. This continued to get worse until I finally went to the Doctor and found out I had a Total Testosterone level of 110 on a scale of 350-950. After doing some more blood tests we discovered that my Prolactin was through the roof as well, and that I had a pituitary adenoma which caused the low t. After a failed try with Clomid, the Dr put me on Testosterone for the rest of my life. This obviously hit me hard because, it's going to be tuff to explain to a girl why I need to inject myself with testosterone at age 28 for the rest of my life and also as you all know, this stuff costs a good amount of money as well (at least to me it does)

Today I am 31 years old, and I wish I could say im better or I have at least made progress....but I havent made much. I will say though that the gym is what keeps me alive and it is the one place where I can be at peace and I can let out all the pain and anger on the weights. I don't know if I would be here if it wasn't for the gym and working out. I no longer drink or smoke.

Sorry for such a long post, and some of the disturbing things I have put in this post. I have never told ANYONE about any of this, and for some reason I am sitting here shaking typing this, even though I will never meet or speak to any of you in person.

To all the people out there having problems with depression or being wronged by other people, please stay strong....you are not alone.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest

Dang man, that's some powerful stuff. I do hope it helps getting it off your chest. Thank you so much for sharing.

I know before I actually posted thread for the first time. I had probably wrote everything all out and deleted it 50 times over the course of a year or two. Finally one day I was sitting at home and started typing my feelings. I looked at the post button for probably 30-40 minutes sweating bullets. Not that I'm a narcassist but I thought people would respect me a lot less if I posted what I was going through and think I'm not tough or strong or whatever. It was completely the opposite effect. I got so many PM's thanking me and telling me how much they respected me for having the courage to post. Even though it took me two years lol.

What I realized by all that is that I'm not alone anymore. I felt like I was on an island. That nobody understood me, that I was always constantly trying to seek approval from others and nothing was ever good enough. Not having that alone feeling is soooooo therapeutic, I can't even describe it. I can finally be genuine and not keep the tough guy front up. It's very exhausting to constantly put on a face that's not you.

Again, thanks for posting DJ. I honestly think it takes a lot more courage to talk about this stuff than it does to hold it all in. When I finally hit the post button for the first time on this thread. I felt so vulnerable. As some replies came it, I saw just how much everyone else goes through and that me finally being honest with the world was liberating. Almost born again if you will.

Cheers.

[Mooseman33]

Much love DJ SCREW

[Obs]

Great post Dj. You went through a lot. I hope you shape a future better that the past you were handed without a choice. Good luck man.

[Dj Screw]

Dang man, that's some powerful stuff. I do hope it helps getting it off your chest. Thank you so much for sharing.

I know before I actually posted thread for the first time. I had probably wrote everything all out and deleted it 50 times over the course of a year or two. Finally one day I was sitting at home and started typing my feelings. I looked at the post button for probably 30-40 minutes sweating bullets. Not that I'm a narcassist but I thought people would respect me a lot less if I posted what I was going through and think I'm not tough or strong or whatever. It was completely the opposite effect. I got so many PM's thanking me and telling me how much they respected me for having the courage to post. Even though it took me two years lol.

What I realized by all that is that I'm not alone anymore. I felt like I was on an island. That nobody understood me, that I was always constantly trying to seek approval from others and nothing was ever good enough. Not having that alone feeling is soooooo therapeutic, I can't even describe it. I can finally be genuine and not keep the tough guy front up. It's very exhausting to constantly put on a face that's not you.

Again, thanks for posting DJ. I honestly think it takes a lot more courage to talk about this stuff than it does to hold it all in. When I finally hit the post button for the first time on this thread. I felt so vulnerable. As some replies came it, I saw just how much everyone else goes through and that me finally being honest with the world was liberating. Almost born again if you will.

Cheers.

It definitely feels good to get that off my chest. Like you, I almost deleted the post a couple of times but after reading these replies I am very glad I didn't. Thanks again for making this thread man and the reply

[Dj Screw]

Great post Dj. You went through a lot. I hope you shape a future better that the past you were handed without a choice. Good luck man.

Thanks a lot man, I appreciate it.

[hammerheart]

Dang man, that's some powerful stuff. I do hope it helps getting it off your chest. Thank you so much for sharing.

I know before I actually posted thread for the first time. I had probably wrote everything all out and deleted it 50 times over the course of a year or two. Finally one day I was sitting at home and started typing my feelings. I looked at the post button for probably 30-40 minutes sweating bullets. Not that I'm a narcassist but I thought people would respect me a lot less if I posted what I was going through and think I'm not tough or strong or whatever. It was completely the opposite effect. I got so many PM's thanking me and telling me how much they respected me for having the courage to post. Even though it took me two years lol.

What I realized by all that is that I'm not alone anymore. I felt like I was on an island. That nobody understood me, that I was always constantly trying to seek approval from others and nothing was ever good enough. Not having that alone feeling is soooooo therapeutic, I can't even describe it. I can finally be genuine and not keep the tough guy front up. It's very exhausting to constantly put on a face that's not you.

Again, thanks for posting DJ. I honestly think it takes a lot more courage to talk about this stuff than it does to hold it all in. When I finally hit the post button for the first time on this thread. I felt so vulnerable. As some replies came it, I saw just how much everyone else goes through and that me finally being honest with the world was liberating. Almost born again if you will.

Cheers.

For some reason while being willing to share my story with depression getting it out never helped in feeling better. I never felt that much alone either.

[BG]

Stay strong Dj.S

[hammerheart]

I'm getting sleep deprived lately something seems grossly out of whack with my functioning and lack of sleep just won't help with anything.

[RaginCajun]

DJ Screw, powerful stuff right there! This place is great, full of inspiring people!

Do you have any hobbies besides the gym?

Stay strong!

[RaginCajun]

I'm getting sleep deprived lately something seems grossly out of whack with my functioning and lack of sleep just won't help with anything.

Damn B.

I have been taking ZMA right before bed and it has been helping me. I also think I have sleep apnea

What is your daily routine? Or do you have one?