I’ll admit I’ve had a few beers. But am I the only one who has to know what they are made of? It only happens sporadically. But I have to find out if I can handle shit.
The first time was in college. Can I walk into an unfamiliar bar and start a fight alone? Yes I can. Did I walk out unscathed? No. But did I walk out on my own? Yes
Can I jump out of an airplane? Yes. But not the tandem bullshit. Take the 8 hr class and jump untethered. Was I afraid? Yes. Was I too afraid to do it again? No. I stood again in the door with my toes out one hand in one hand out jumped and arched into freefall at 120 miles per hour straight down again.
The Cape Buffalo. It kills more hunters than any other animal in Africa. If it charges will I stand or will I break and run? Let’s add a twist. No bolt action no automatic. Double rifle with iron sights. We got between a cow and her calf. She mock charged and vered off. Safety clicked off but I stood my ground. Later I shot a nice bull. My feet never moved as I shot and reloaded. As he let out his death bellow I felt cheated. He didn’t charge. We didn’t have to go into the long grass to track him. He didn’t test me. He didn’t challenge my fortitude. Cheated.
The feeling has returned tonight. I don’t know why or for what reason it comes. But it is back. I don’t feel alive now until I’m tested. I don’t know what the test will be this time. But I do know I won’t feel whole again until I’m tested. I have to prove something to myself. There have been other things. Is this cliff too high to jump off. Can you get from one moving car into another going down the highway. Will the rope hold your weight. How may times will your body skip jumping out of a boat moving this fast.
I guess my question is ..Am I alone in this need? This desire? This can’t be normal or healthy. I only know I will now have to prove to myself that fear will not control me. Fear will not be a deciding factor in my life. Or will it? Will I freeze? Will I hesitate for that one second? For that split second that may be the difference between life and death. I am overwhelmed again with the need to prove myself. It is a hole that must be filled.