When does family stop being family?

I gotta write myself off a little just to empty my head, brace yourself for a little personal writing lol

Both my family (parents) and relatives have always had a screw loose in one way or the other.
I guess we all have someone f*cked up, and it's no different for me.
Rejection, alcoholism, verbal & mental abuse, even incest rape at one side of my relative side....
The f'cked up thing is that we have always been close, all of us, so when something happens we all get involved! Like a Swedish redneck festival...

Now without going in to too much detail around, I'll try to keep it short and I'd love to hear you guys opinions - tip of the iceberg.
My biological dad has always been the "friend" type, not the dad type.
He has been messing up year after year with me and my sisters, but we have tried to forget and forgive because we know that he
has chronic depression in some degree and deep inside want us around, but can't handle us getting close.
His b*tch girl for 20 years has fed him with lies, hate and bitterness which has broken him even more and we've hardly had any contact for 15-20 years.
Just the occasional fake "how are you? we love you" dinner 4 times a year.
The atmosphere in that home is horrible to say the least, so much anger and regret.

Me and him had great contact when I was a kid, and I still love him and live on those memories.
Now he got cancer and didn't know if he would survive at first, but I can honestly say that I didn't care and didn't want to call and ask how he is.
That scares me and makes me feel low as fck.
Yesterday he put out a long text on facebook calling me and my sisters out how we not care and more or less are fcking useless
since neither of us called/ cared at a moment like cancer.
My sister want to call just because the call out and the guilt is breaking them with all issues around.
Me - I feel more bad for having to call, and still but less bad for not calling.
Telling how we feel has just made things worse over the years.

Now - when does family stop being family? Should we keep fighting with guilt and anger, or should we just ignore them and let them die alone.
Both paths are making me feel like crap each day.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fiskevatten

I gotta write myself off a little just to empty my head, brace yourself for a little personal writing lol

Both my family (parents) and relatives have always had a screw loose in one way or the other.
I guess we all have someone f*cked up, and it's no different for me.
Rejection, alcoholism, verbal & mental abuse, even incest rape at one side of my relative side....
The f'cked up thing is that we have always been close, all of us, so when something happens we all get involved! Like a Swedish redneck festival...

Now without going in to too much detail around, I'll try to keep it short and I'd love to hear you guys opinions - tip of the iceberg.
My biological dad has always been the "friend" type, not the dad type.
He has been messing up year after year with me and my sisters, but we have tried to forget and forgive because we know that he
has chronic depression in some degree and deep inside want us around, but can't handle us getting close.
His b*tch girl for 20 years has fed him with lies, hate and bitterness which has broken him even more and we've hardly had any contact for 15-20 years.
Just the occasional fake "how are you? we love you" dinner 4 times a year.
The atmosphere in that home is horrible to say the least, so much anger and regret.

Me and him had great contact when I was a kid, and I still love him and live on those memories.
Now he got cancer and didn't know if he would survive at first, but I can honestly say that I didn't care and didn't want to call and ask how he is.
That scares me and makes me feel low as fck.
Yesterday he put out a long text on facebook calling me and my sisters out how we not care and more or less are fcking useless
since neither of us called/ cared at a moment like cancer.
My sister want to call just because the call out and the guilt is breaking them with all issues around.
Me - I feel more bad for having to call, and still but less bad for not calling.
Telling how we feel has just made things worse over the years.

Now - when does family stop being family? Should we keep fighting with guilt and anger, or should we just ignore them and let them die alone.
Both paths are making me feel like crap each day.

---

That was fvcked up and manipulative of him to call you and your sisters out publicly.
A wise friend once told me parents create the relationship with their children. Whatever your relationship with your dad looks like, it's his doing. It's his responsibility. It's 100% on him.
If you can find peace for yourself by reaching out, then do so. But do it for yourself, not for him. You have no reason to feel guilty

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fiskevatten

I gotta write myself off a little just to empty my head, brace yourself for a little personal writing lol

Both my family (parents) and relatives have always had a screw loose in one way or the other.
I guess we all have someone f*cked up, and it's no different for me.
Rejection, alcoholism, verbal & mental abuse, even incest rape at one side of my relative side....
The f'cked up thing is that we have always been close, all of us, so when something happens we all get involved! Like a Swedish redneck festival...

Now without going in to too much detail around, I'll try to keep it short and I'd love to hear you guys opinions - tip of the iceberg.
My biological dad has always been the "friend" type, not the dad type.
He has been messing up year after year with me and my sisters, but we have tried to forget and forgive because we know that he
has chronic depression in some degree and deep inside want us around, but can't handle us getting close.
His b*tch girl for 20 years has fed him with lies, hate and bitterness which has broken him even more and we've hardly had any contact for 15-20 years.
Just the occasional fake "how are you? we love you" dinner 4 times a year.
The atmosphere in that home is horrible to say the least, so much anger and regret.

Me and him had great contact when I was a kid, and I still love him and live on those memories.
Now he got cancer and didn't know if he would survive at first, but I can honestly say that I didn't care and didn't want to call and ask how he is.
That scares me and makes me feel low as fck.
Yesterday he put out a long text on facebook calling me and my sisters out how we not care and more or less are fcking useless
since neither of us called/ cared at a moment like cancer.
My sister want to call just because the call out and the guilt is breaking them with all issues around.
Me - I feel more bad for having to call, and still but less bad for not calling.
Telling how we feel has just made things worse over the years.

Now - when does family stop being family? Should we keep fighting with guilt and anger, or should we just ignore them and let them die alone.
Both paths are making me feel like crap each day.

---

Remember the memories.
I am not a cowboy, but I put on my cowboyhat once in a while in rememberance of my brother, who I lost to drugs.

He was the most absolute man I ever encountered.
You could have shot him, stabbed him, cut his nuts off and he still would have torn your throat out.
I broke down bawling thinking about how I failed being the father he used to be. He was so loving to his kids and patient that I felt like a quarter of a man.

When he made a decision, it was final. He always pulled through and saved my ass countless times. One bike wreck sent him into progressive neuropathy and drugs ensued. He ran out of doctor prescribed oxycontin and found meth. He became a husk of his former self. Now his is a shell that looks like my brother.

The one man on this planet that I could trust beyond my own self, is now the one person I cannot ever trust at all. He used my trust to manipulate me into money for drugs and so he could live like a beggar.

I watched him ride bulls with broken limbs and go through a dozen surgeries just doing what he loved. Now he is just looking for help to buy drugs and continue feeding off the ones that love him.

Women helped bring him down much like your father but as I told him... "You choose the people around you. You welcome in pieces of shit, you will become shit."

He always had someone to blame for his downfall. It was me he blamed on many occasions as he faded into everything I hate.

When does family become not family?

The very second they use your love to help themselves and hurt you.

I do not disrespect my brothers memory. I love who he used to be more than words can say.
I will have spent more hours with him than anyone on earth when he dies and I will carry him to his grave. I dug that grave a long time ago though.

My immediate family (wife and kids) comes before anybody. I have occasional issues with other family members. But as soon as it starts causing issues with my immediate family, I'm done.

I started a long reply.. but... HEY, do best for YOU. Improve and remove negative people.... family or not. Dont be held back from your treasure in life. Be smart, do good, learn and improve.

Thank you Obs for sharing and all else for your opinions, they mean a lot at times like these!

I'm surprised how people can change so drastically, especially the one's you love or atleast have loved.
Not understand the mental factors that come in play in these people... I mean, I've been trashed and thrown away several times with an end-game in mind to end it, but
I would never EVER hurt anyone dear, they are the reason I'm alive.
Can't fathom how the brain works in some, bad history or not

You can pick your significant other but you don't get to pick your parents.

At the end of the day, if someone is disrespectful, cruel, whatever the case may be it doesn't matter what their title is, whether it's dad, wife, teacher, doctor, etc. Sometimes you have to make the hard call even if it's selfish, which sometimes ends up being a wake up call for the other person. The deeper you dig a hole the harder it is to climb out of and might make it more likely to make a decision you later regret.

My dad was a tyrant, every sin you could think of he checked off, but my mom and I never really caught him red-handed. One day I finally caught him red-handed on the phone and I snapped, went full rambo. I beat the hell out of him, then when he was on the ground I smashed his 50inch TV over his head, then flipped his massive office desk onto his legs, and kicked his stomach until he puked all over the floor. He wore woman's makeup for a while to hide his markings on his face and neck. I haven't spoken to him since that day.

I could have walked away instead and had the same end result of never talked to him again. It was the first and last time I was ever violent. I felt (and still feel) no guilt or empathy for what I did, which to me is worse than the actions themselves. I carry that weight over my shoulders every day.

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Originally Posted by Windex

You can pick your significant other but you don't get to pick your parents.

At the end of the day, if someone is disrespectful, cruel, whatever the case may be it doesn't matter what their title is, whether it's dad, wife, teacher, doctor, etc. Sometimes you have to make the hard call even if it's selfish, which sometimes ends up being a wake up call for the other person. The deeper you dig a hole the harder it is to climb out of and might make it more likely to make a decision you later regret.

My dad was a tyrant, every sin you could think of he checked off, but my mom and I never really caught him red-handed. One day I finally caught him red-handed on the phone and I snapped, went full rambo. I beat the hell out of him, then when he was on the ground I smashed his 50inch TV over his head, then flipped his massive office desk onto his legs, and kicked his stomach until he puked all over the floor. He wore woman's makeup for a while to hide his markings on his face and neck. I haven't spoken to him since that day.

I could have walked away instead and had the same end result of never talked to him again. It was the first and last time I was ever violent. I felt (and still feel) no guilt or empathy for what I did, which to me is worse than the actions themselves. I carry that weight over my shoulders every day.

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That's a horrible thing to happen, although now that it has been done, don't you think there is a possibility for contacting him again and explaining why you did it? I have had quite some fights with family, even cousins and some were pretty bad emotionally, with one cousin we fought physically so often it became a sport (and caused about 20 holes in walls), but all went well afterwards and we have forgiven each other.

The only person I never managed to reconcile with is my brother but he is a special case. We never meet not because of a fight, but because he is an extremely sneaky backstabbing selfish person, who has used up all his chances ten times over. I can't reconcile because I would never accept it until he himself admits what he did and apologizes, otherwise it is the same old story repeating itself. It has already happened repeatedly...

Otherwise IMO family has a special place where even the most damning things deserve forgiving. I don't know if family can stop being family, no matter what. Just try initiating contact but think less emotionally and more diplomatic. Be clear and specific, tell them why you felt resent towards them and why you chose to do what you did, but still offer the possibility of forgiving them as long as they come to terms with you. It's just a survival thing, you are much better off having people you can rely on and it fills an emotional gap. We're hardwired for this.

Fiskevatten IMO the best option is trying to contact him. I think it would be worse if his condition gets worse and it would be horrible if he passed away with no contact at all. We all have our faults, some just have a greater magnitude of faults.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cousinmuscles

That's a horrible thing to happen, although now that it has been done, don't you think there is a possibility for contacting him again and explaining why you did it? I have had quite some fights with family, even cousins and some were pretty bad emotionally, with one cousin we fought physically so often it became a sport (and caused about 20 holes in walls), but all went well afterwards and we have forgiven each other.

The only person I never managed to reconcile with is my brother but he is a special case. We never meet not because of a fight, but because he is an extremely sneaky backstabbing selfish person, who has used up all his chances ten times over. I can't reconcile because I would never accept it until he himself admits what he did and apologizes, otherwise it is the same old story repeating itself. It has already happened repeatedly...

Otherwise IMO family has a special place where even the most damning things deserve forgiving. I don't know if family can stop being family, no matter what. Just try initiating contact but think less emotionally and more diplomatic. Be clear and specific, tell them why you felt resent towards them and why you chose to do what you did, but still offer the possibility of forgiving them as long as they come to terms with you. It's just a survival thing, you are much better off having people you can rely on and it fills an emotional gap. We're hardwired for this.

Fiskevatten IMO the best option is trying to contact him. I think it would be worse if his condition gets worse and it would be horrible if he passed away with no contact at all. We all have our faults, some just have a greater magnitude of faults.

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Thank you Windex for sharing, I can almost see myself doing something similar to some in my family bubble.

Wise words Cousin and that is what me and my sister has been trying every year.
When we try to get close, they turn the reconcile to "demands". They use our love to push us with guilt and mental abuse so that we feel that everything is our fault.
I've never been hit by a family member, but I actually think that would have made things easier.
Both my parents come from abuse where one of my grandpa shot his face off with a rifle, the other raped his little girl and one grandma got beaten constantly with an old desk-phone.
In other words, I can understand where everything is coming from and that is why we have tried, but it eats our self-esteem which affects other parts in life.
We more or less go by sympathy and guilt more than love.

Tho I'm guessing I will suck it up sooner or later and try again, still want my future kids to have as much family as possible.

Its funny how growing up a lot of us thought we had the brady bunch family until we get older and realize how fucked up our families are.

I was very fortunate my parents were awesome but they were my parents not my friend like most parents are trying to be today.
My dad was a hard SOB but he raised me to be what I am today and I am thankful for that.
I lost my mom when I was 29 but my dad is 73 and still a big part of my life.

OP no one can answer your question but you, it is how much are you willing to forgive because he is still your father.
But yes family does suck sometimes.

My cousins (dad's sister's kids) have been borrowing money from my dad. My one cousin, it started off at 25k, then another 25k, then that POS cousin maxed out his credit cards and my dad got calls from the bank because he co-signed to loan. What was this money for? His GUITAR "career". This kid is in his 30's and has never had a real job. My aunt was rude to my mom about it because she was staunchly against the loan because she knows their history of leeching.

My other cousin started borrowing small amounts from him. My dad hid this from my mom but she found emails.

That side of the family has always been jealous of my family because my dad was successful. They are well known leeches and take advantage of everyone. My mom told me a story about my aunt when they worked together decades ago that my aunt used to wish that she could get a disability so she wouldn't have to work. She got her wish... multiple sclerosis.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months before the loans started. My POS aunt, when she found out about it, said "Well, that'll make [mom] a rich widow!" WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT. They know this is the only time they can take advantage of my dad and that my mom would never give them 1 cent when he passes.

What makes this worse is that my dad has been bugging me to go to Europe with him, paid for by him, to do a WW2 tour to follow in the steps of his father, from Normandy to Holland. He mentions that his sister might come to, and since I'm not supposed to know about the loans, I've been making excuses not to go. If they have money for a European vacation, they have money to support their own fucking kids.