ex gf vent

[Obs]

Sometimes I feel a tingly panic rise up in me. It's the realisation of the horror that my world has become. I stifle it and quench it and learn a new musical instrument or join a new religion. I have buried it time after time after time. There must come a day though when I make the conscious choice to embrace the pain. I can't yet though.

Eric Clapton asked "Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?". I wonder if she'll be there, if she'll make contact with me, if she'll leave the room. I loved that girl more than anyone or anything I ever loved, I used to kiss her eyes as she fell asleep. She no longer exists in what I consider to be "my world" and "my life", which is a thought beyond my bravery. And so I'll dwell on the thought of Will you smile when you see me in heaven?

Thats rough.
The fact thst you hold yourself accountable shows that you are not a sociopath, narcissist, or pshychopath.

This is just a classification system mental health doctors have given a certain set of emotional rules that they really don't understand.

In terms of guilt, I used to say that if there was one thing I could undo and lay down in my grave and call it even, I would jump at the opportunity.
Fact is thats just more weak nature.

That panic you feel I felt for years.
"What the fuck have I done?" plauged my mind for years. There was mo second of the day or night I could escape that anxiety. No happiness or relief.

Simple fact is people are too gd flawed to be perfect themselves. They damn sure can't be responsible for others actions.

Telepathy does not exist. You can't make someone do something like that. I have had people try to get me to.

Time changes all things. It takes a long time though.
It takes life getting in the way and destracting you long enough to see past your guilt you feel.

There is something else I can say but I wont because I don't feel you are reeady to hear it only two years away from the incident, by what you have said.

Stay in contact.

If you were "guilty" you wouldn't feel so guilty. You are not scum, you are afflicted. A conscience as strong as yours is difficult to defeat. I get haunted the same as you. Fact is I run this show though and if someone else wasn't running theirs then I can't be responsible for what became of them as a result of my actions.

I have told my ex wife to kill herself when she would threaten me with it. I saw it as the means of control it was and how she was trying to manipulate me.
She didn't kill herself...

If she had, it would have been the 10th time and I would have felt very guilty for a long time. Fact is though she was a manipulator that never took it that far. In the same way she had me on the brink of doing it when she left me with my kids.

I didn't.
I saw the way out and I took it.
I did what had to be done and I got past it.
Turned out the best thing she ever did for me was leave me. This was a years long process.

You have a gift that is life. Hers is over, she took it, not you. You need to use your gift in the best way you see fit. You can do this I assure you.

[Kimbo Almond]

I've already started visiting a psychiatric ward 10 miles from where I live, dressed in my monk clothes. I've given Hindu beads to four patients, and I got a Christian pastor to make regular visits to one patient (and he wanted to baptise him in a bath on the ward). I sent letters yesterday to David Blaine and Bear Grylls asking if they'd come in with me.

All I need to do is process all the emotion from my past (loss, shame, guilt, condemnation), and move forward. The 10 days of silence I'll do next month will help that along.

I think the bottom line on my exgirlfriend is that she has sunk, and I must float.

[Obs]

I've already started visiting a psychiatric ward 10 miles from where I live, dressed in my monk clothes. I've given Hindu beads to four patients, and I got a Christian pastor to make regular visits to one patient (and he wanted to baptise him in a bath on the ward). I sent letters yesterday to David Blaine and Bear Grylls asking if they'd come in with me.

All I need to do is process all the emotion from my past (loss, shame, guilt, condemnation), and move forward. The 10 days of silence I'll do next month will help that along.

I think the bottom line on my exgirlfriend is that she has sunk, and I must float.

Why do you allways throw in bullshit?
David blaine Bear Grylls etc?

[Kimbo Almond]

Why do you allways throw in bullshit?
David blaine Bear Grylls etc?

I'm serious. I handwrote two letters, one to Bear Grylls, and one to David Blaine, to ask if they'd visit a psychiatric unit to try help people. Bear seems like a kindhearted guy, and he's only across the water from me in London, he might consider it. Fair enough David Blaine is thousands of miled away in New York but it only took me 10 minutes to write the letter and post it, so it's not like I'm wasting half my life on things that aren't gonna happen.

[Obs]

I'm serious. I handwrote two letters, one to Bear Grylls, and one to David Blaine, to ask if they'd visit a psychiatric unit to try help people. Bear seems like a kindhearted guy, and he's only across the water from me in London, he might consider it. Fair enough David Blaine is thousands of miled away in New York but it only took me 10 minutes to write the letter and post it, so it's not like I'm wasting half my life on things that aren't gonna happen.

The entire last post seemed like bullshit other than the last line

[Kimbo Almond]

The entire last post seemed like bullshit other than the last line

These are the two addresses I sent the letters to:

David Blaine
Jill Fritzo Public Relations
208 East 51st Street
Suite 305
New York, NY 10022
U. S. A.

Bear Grylls
The Scout Association
Gilwell Park
Chingford
London E4 7QW UK

I reckon there's a 1% chance that I'll get a reply. That's why I send dozens of letters like this. I've probably sent like 30 - 50 so far, I haven't kept track.

[Proximal]

I think the bottom line on my exgirlfriend is that she has sunk, and I must float.

Very nice way of thinking about it imo.

[Kimbo Almond]

Very nice way of thinking about it imo.

And I suppose I too will sink one day. In the meantime I'll pray for buoyancy.

[Proximal]

And I suppose I too will sink one day. In the meantime I'll pray for buoyancy.

No pun intended, but I think we are all on the same boat when it comes to that.

[Kimbo Almond]

Although for some people staying afloat is a breeze, while for others it's a daily struggle.

[SocioMachiavelli]

For what it's worth, I'm a former mental health service user and was an inpatient when I was 17. I now work in psychiatric hospitals whilst I'm also doing my Psych nurse training... So I guess I have a unique perspective of seeing both sides of the coin.

The one thing I have seen on here is people viewing suicide as Black and white, it isn't. Can someone be pushed and broken by others to take their life.... absolutely. The thing that a lot of people seem to do is generalise.... they see people such as drug addicts all being the same, or mental health users all being the same.... so by that logic Holdmybeer is the same as a junkie in my town because he had a problem with addiction right? wrong. So everyone who goes to the gym and juices must be fkin idiots as well then huh? that's what a lot of people believe is it not?

Each suicide and the events around it need to be taken case by case, attempting to make equivocations between priests who commit molestation and kimbo in relation to blame are redundant.

The other thing... if someone overrides their innate drive to survive and acquires the capability for suicide.... do you think that is always a decision they make?... not perhaps the result of impulsivity, severe mental illness or feelings of complete despair. These people are then referred to as selfish?...

This next part I'm not going to leave up for very long.

When I was a child I had things done to me that shouldn't be done to anyone, let alone a child. This brought with it in an illness that came to me, one which I didn't ask for and that made it's home inside of me... I didn't ask for this. At 17 all I felt was complete despair... So I left the house intending to look for the peace I could never find. I ended up in a psych ward.... and I met two people that changed my life... they saw a very troubled but intelligent young man (their words). With their support I dragged myself out of the gutter... I'm now working in psychiatric hospitals, studying to be a psych nurse and now my life has purpose... I have the opportunity to be to someone else what for a very long time no one was to me. Those of who have not experienced such things or have seen it in others.... don't kid yourself into believing you knew what they were going through... because you have absolutely no idea. The same way that I'm not a father and wouldn't pretend to be able to imagine what it must feel like to see your child for the first time.... there are things in life you can't begin to understand until you have experienced it.... suicide is one of them.

You know, at the minute I've beaten my suicidal ideation even though I experience it most weeks. I don't talk about it and everyone around me is unaware of it.... I seem like a happy outgoing guy. I manage to go to school, work pretty much full time hours and try to support my mum financially. Does that make me better or stronger than people who have completed suicide? absolutely not. Does it make them weak.... no it doesn't. I feel trapped every single day, trapped between not wanting to be here but I will never make my mother have to bury her son... but everyday I suffer like a sad clown... smiling on the outside and despair on the inside.

I'm giving absolutely everything I have to make this work, but the noise in my head since I was ten years old has never stopped. I am painfully aware that there is a 50/50 chance that someone is going to find me dead someday, but rest assured it will be because I have absolutely nothing left to give... does that make me selfish.

Heres another way to look at it..... If I had a family member who was suffering constantly.....we are talking complete despair whether it be from mental illness, a cancer or a degenerative illness. To the point they were broken, had no hope and nothing left to give. Who's selfish..... me for expecting them to endure that or them for wanting to end it. If it was any of my loved ones I would give them as much support as I can.... but if really came to it I wouldn't want them suffering for me. So if you expect someone to endure that to save yourself from pain.... who's selfish?

@Holdmybeer. Sorry for digressing in your thread, in answer to your original post... I would support her as much as I could but not at the cost of you falling back into addiction or severely affecting your quality of life.. If it comes to that you need to try get her professional help and take a step back... you just need to be able to draw the line when it is becoming too much. As you know, people supporting you can make a huge difference.... but if you need to cut her lose for your own sanity don't think of yourself as selfish.... just maybe try get her some help from other agencies.

[Obs]

Suicide is weak nature same as any. That was the generalization I made. A person can carry their burdens. I have seen the worst.
My ex wife was molested from the age of 4-12. I know people who have buried all their children and overcame it. I have watched people fight sheer pain for weeks and months and years and fought right on until it took their last breath. They also made big impacts on others in doing so.

Life is a gift.
To take ones own life is selfish.
Doesn't get any more plain.

[SocioMachiavelli]

Suicide is weak nature same as any. That was the generalization I made. A person can carry their burdens. I have seen the worst.
My ex wife was molested from the age of 4-12. I know people who have buried all their children and overcame it. I have watched people fight sheer pain for weeks and months and years and fought right on until it took their last breath. They also made big impacts on others in doing so.

Life is a gift.
To take ones own life is selfish.
Doesn't get any more plain.

To expect people to suffer to save you pain is selfish, that is even plainer. So a mother who loses all of her children and doesn't overcome it... is that selfish... or is it a tragedy?. I guess what I'm saying is unless you are in their shoes and experiencing that pain... It's not your place to judge. I worked with a gentleman from Somalia who watched his family get blown up, his mind fractured.... he ended up with severe mental illness and killed himself. But that's selfish yeah? no longer having control of what he thinks or feels due to his illness?


Sure some people can carry their burdens, I'm carrying mine. But that allows me to empathise with those who haven't been able to. A question for you obs... you know if someone is experiencing suicidal ideation... would you want to help them overcome it? not only the suicidal ideation but what makes them feel that way?

[Proximal]

Although for some people staying afloat is a breeze, while for others it's a daily struggle.

I would think this is too vague a generalization. How we cope/deal/succeed/fail is going to vary on just about everything. I got to tell you, I can't recall anyone that I know that would say staying a float is a breeze. And struggle? That's very subjective.

[Obs]

To expect people to suffer to save you pain is selfish, that is even plainer. So a mother who loses all of her children and doesn't overcome it... is that selfish... or is it a tragedy?. I guess what I'm saying is unless you are in their shoes and experiencing that pain... It's not your place to judge. I worked with a gentleman from Somalia who watched his family get blown up, his mind fractured.... he ended up with severe mental illness and killed himself. But that's selfish yeah? no longer having control of what he thinks or feels due to his illness?


Sure some people can carry their burdens, I'm carrying mine. But that allows me to empathise with those who haven't been able to. A question for you obs... you know if someone is experiencing suicidal ideation... would you want to help them overcome it? not only the suicidal ideation but what makes them feel that way?

By this reasoning we should all euthanize ourselves to spare us the pain of life. There will be tragedies.
Life is a gift, you hold on to the end or its selfish.

I am not saying I am better than anyone.
I am sympathetic. I have made a couple of threads on this trying to help people with a weak mindset at the moment. Life is to be lived at all costs.

[Obs]

Socio... You know I like you but here is my point which we may have to agree to disagree.

Listen to this songs lyrics.
It was chosen as a tribute to the mans daughter who died.

Suicide is an unnatural selfish option.
We are all selfish sometimes.

[Kimbo Almond]

I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric unit twice, and I've been prescribed benzoes, an SSRI, and so-called 'anti-psychotics'.

I don't believe in psychiatry, and I don't believe in mental illness either. I don't take terms from medicine such as 'illness' and 'symptom' and apply them to affairs of the heart and mind.

I have a lot of respect for a person who has an ability to say no. Some people say no to their working environment, and quit their job. Some people say no to their home environment, and move out. And some people say no to life, this is called suicide. I'm not so sure if you can say it's selfish. Yes I realise that for every suicide, about 6 or 7 people totally lose the run of themselves, but really, the departed was allowed to take their life just the way you or I are allowed to quit our job.

I had considered getting into psychiatric nursing myself.

[Obs]

I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric unit twice, and I've been prescribed benzoes, an SSRI, and so-called 'anti-psychotics'.

I don't believe in psychiatry, and I don't believe in mental illness either. I don't take terms from medicine such as 'illness' and 'symptom' and apply them to affairs of the heart and mind.

I have a lot of respect for a person who has an ability to say no. Some people say no to their working environment, and quit their job. Some people say no to their home environment, and move out. And some people say no to life, this is called suicide. I'm not so sure if you can say it's selfish. Yes I realise that for every suicide, about 6 or 7 people totally lose the run of themselves, but really, the departed was allowed to take their life just the way you or I are allowed to quit our job.

I had considered getting into psychiatric nursing myself.

I believe it is selfish.
Look what your gf killing herself wrought...
How many others are messed up because of it?

99.99% ofsuicides are commited by people who really don't have much ofa reason they just have their mind in a bad spot.

Here is a short story I wtote

The ripple of one life

[Proximal]

I've been an inpatient in a psychiatric unit twice, and I've been prescribed benzoes, an SSRI, and so-called 'anti-psychotics'.

I don't believe in psychiatry, and I don't believe in mental illness either. I don't take terms from medicine such as 'illness' and 'symptom' and apply them to affairs of the heart and mind.

Though not a mental health practitioner, I have been in the Medical Profession for 35 years.

I personally don't agree with the fact that you don't believe in mental illness, though it's your right to of course. So the "issues" that you have that have had you enter a psychiatric unit are a matter of choice? A matter of weakness? How do you rationalize what you feel is not an illness?

Not being argumentative, just curious. TY.

[Couchlockd]

All I know is I've had the thought a few times. Only thing that stopped me was I didn't feel like laying down the visqueen to make the mess easy for my family to clean.

[Kimbo Almond]

A few posts back, I mentioned a class of school kids in Australia. Having read that article, I don't agree with the author...... he is counting the boys who drank themselves to death as suicides.

Suicide is to deliberately set out to injure yourself to cause death. Smoking for 40 years and getting lung cancer isn't suicide. Drinking a half a bottle of vodka every day for 7 years and ruining your liver and dying isn't suicide.

[Kimbo Almond]

I believe it is selfish.
Look what your gf killing herself wrought...
How many others are messed up because of it?

99.99% ofsuicides are commited by people who really don't have much ofa reason they just have their mind in a bad spot.

Here is a short story I wtote

The ripple of one life

my exgf family have a horse farm

[SocioMachiavelli]

Socio... You know I like you but here is my point which we may have to agree to disagree.

Listen to this songs lyrics.
It was chosen as a tribute to the mans daughter who died.

Suicide is an unnatural selfish option.
We are all selfish sometimes.

Got nothing but love for you brother, yes this may just be a topic we have to agree to disagree on like you said

[Obs]

Got nothing but love for you brother, yes this may just be a topic we have to agree to disagree on like you said

All cool

[diesel101]

My former trainer and very good friend took his life a couple of years ago and to this day I will never understand it.
I also just lost a young friend of mine(26 years Old) to suicide 4 months ago. This young man showed no signs of trouble and had everything in the world going for him.

I will never understand it and I have never been in that dark of a place to even think of doing something like that but I guess we all deal with our demons differently.

[Couchlockd]

On a more serious note, the visqueen chore wasn't going to stop me.

It was the way I imagined my girl, or daughter finding me dead, it was the shriek they let out and hysterical shaking and breathing. I played the entire scene out in my head, from pull of trigger, to them planning and attending my funeral.

I only had thus desire 2x in my life, and it was before steroids . It was during a period were I was off all drugs and clean for easily 6 years. No outside influence to factor in, other than I felt I could enjoy death.

But as soon as I played it out in my head, I said "God damnit, what would they do without me, how would they feel about this, they'd have unanswered questions eating at thier soul forever."

Plus, I didn't really have confidence in any of my methods to be instant.

In my personal opinion, a 500 mag in mouth or 1 lb of c4 strapped to sternum.

I would not want to feel anything after the switch was flipped.

No 9mm to the head suffering for 5 minutes.

I preffer my entire CNS to be vaporized.

[Kimbo Almond]

I personally don't agree with the fact that you don't believe in mental illness, though it's your right to of course. So the "issues" that you have that have had you enter a psychiatric unit are a matter of choice? A matter of weakness? How do you rationalize what you feel is not an illness?

As a result of severe trauma, betrayal, guilt, loss, humiliation and shame, a person can become psychologically traumatised.

A traumatised person behaves strangely. They don't have a clear distinction between what they believe and what they disbelieve. They form strange ideas. When they realise how strange their thoughts and beliefs are, they become paranoid about what's going on around them.

I've been quite badly traumatised in the past on a few occasions, I've behaved like a 4-year-old and I've lost all sense of what is appropriate in different social situations. I've put my elbow through a window three times, and I've crashed about 8 cars. I've sat in a small country pub by myself off my head on ecstasy. Believe it or not, I was held in a remand prison because I was refused bail, and then for shits and giggles I pretended to hang myself, so they put me in the padded cell, but then I smeered the padded cell with my own faeces so they transferred me out to the loonie bin.

I'm very aware of how messed up I've been, but I would never use medical terms like "ill" or "symptom". The reason I don't do this is because I only got worse and worse and worse when I latched onto the medical model, and I only began to get better when I discarded my belief in psychiatry as well as any belief in 'having' something.

To improve emotional and psychological being, I go with the following:
faith and prayer (pray to Jesus/Allah, think about going to heaven or getting reincarnated)
chanting
meditation
yoga
take up a new musical instrument
take up a new sport

The most important thing I've done to recover ... apart from going to live in a Hindu temple for a while ... was to go off and do a 10-day Buddhist meditation course .... I'm doing my fourth next month.

If there are people reading this who like to use the terms 'mental illness' and to talk about their 'symptoms', well I hope you can find your way forward with that. Personally I couldn't, but it might work for someone else.

[Kimbo Almond]

I got to tell you, I can't recall anyone that I know that would say staying a float is a breeze.

I've had times in my life when staying afloat was totally effortless .... I've been blissful and carefree in the past, and I hope to get back there

[Obs]

As a result of severe trauma, betrayal, guilt, loss, humiliation and shame, a person can become psychologically traumatised.

A traumatised person behaves strangely. They don't have a clear distinction between what they believe and what they disbelieve. They form strange ideas. When they realise how strange their thoughts and beliefs are, they become paranoid about what's going on around them.

I've been quite badly traumatised in the past on a few occasions, I've behaved like a 4-year-old and I've lost all sense of what is appropriate in different social situations. I've put my elbow through a window three times, and I've crashed about 8 cars. I've sat in a small country pub by myself off my head on ecstasy. Believe it or not, I was held in a remand prison because I was refused bail, and then for shits and giggles I pretended to hang myself, so they put me in the padded cell, but then I smeered the padded cell with my own faeces so they transferred me out to the loonie bin.

I'm very aware of how messed up I've been, but I would never use medical terms like "ill" or "symptom". The reason I don't do this is because I only got worse and worse and worse when I latched onto the medical model, and I only began to get better when I discarded my belief in psychiatry as well as any belief in 'having' something.

To improve emotional and psychological being, I go with the following:
faith and prayer (pray to Jesus/Allah, think about going to heaven or getting reincarnated)
chanting
meditation
yoga
take up a new musical instrument
take up a new sport

The most important thing I've done to recover ... apart from going to live in a Hindu temple for a while ... was to go off and do a 10-day Buddhist meditation course .... I'm doing my fourth next month.

If there are people reading this who like to use the terms 'mental illness' and to talk about their 'symptoms', well I hope you can find your way forward with that. Personally I couldn't, but it might work for someone else.

Try this, my gf made this for you

[diesel101]

On a more serious note, the visqueen chore wasn't going to stop me.

It was the way I imagined my girl, or daughter finding me dead, it was the shriek they let out and hysterical shaking and breathing. I played the entire scene out in my head, from pull of trigger, to them planning and attending my funeral.

I only had thus desire 2x in my life, and it was before steroids . It was during a period were I was off all drugs and clean for easily 6 years. No outside influence to factor in, other than I felt I could enjoy death.

But as soon as I played it out in my head, I said "God damnit, what would they do without me, how would they feel about this, they'd have unanswered questions eating at thier soul forever."

Plus, I didn't really have confidence in any of my methods to be instant.

In my personal opinion, a 500 mag in mouth or 1 lb of c4 strapped to sternum.

I would not want to feel anything after the switch was flipped.

No 9mm to the head suffering for 5 minutes.

I preffer my entire CNS to be vaporized.

You have availability to C4?
asking for a friend

[Kimbo Almond]

Try this, my gf made this for you

If you post it to me, I'll frame it on my wall. Not sure whether it will be the sitting room wall or bedroom wall, but definitely a wall in my home.

[Obs]

You have availability to C4?
asking for a friend

You name it and couch and I can get it.
Rather than do it for your friend.... I would show him how.

[Obs]

If you post it to me, I'll frame it on my wall. Not sure whether it will be the sitting room wall or bedroom wall, but definitely a wall in my home.

I will scan it and send it to your email of choosing.
You can pm me details.
It will be a bit.

[Kimbo Almond]

I will scan it and send it to your email of choosing.
You can pm me details.
It will be a bit.

I could PayPal the postage cost to you? It should be less than $10 to the UK. It wouldn't be as much as $15.

[Obs]

I could PayPal the postage cost to you? It should be less than $10 to the UK. It wouldn't be as much as $15.

Oh i see you mean mail it... No problem.
You can pm me

[Kimbo Almond]

Oh i see you mean mail it... No problem.
You can pm me

In return I could send your gf one of only two chanting frisbees that exist in the world (I invented them).

Wanna know the story behind the chanting frisbee?

[diesel101]

You name it and couch and I can get it.
Rather than do it for your friend.... I would show him how.

My "friend" is always looking to increase his arsenal.

[Obs]

In return I could send your gf one of only two chanting frisbees that exist in the world (I invented them).

Wanna know the story behind the chanting frisbee?

Sure!
Always interested

[Proximal]

I've had times in my life when staying afloat was totally effortless .... I've been blissful and carefree in the past, and I hope to get back there

Wow, jealous, it has never been effortless for me. Congrats & I hope you get to the level that gives you peace.

[Obs]

My "friend" is always looking to increase his arsenal.

Well your friend needs a samsung or lg phone.
Go to google play and download turbo vpn app.
Connect to the vpn and go back to google play.
Dowload orbot and orfox apps.
Open the orfox browser it should auto connect to orbot.
Congratulations! You are officiall on the dark web.
From there search "hidden wiki" and copy down the .onion url for "torch" search engine and enter it into the orfox web browser. From there you can search things beyond your wildest dreams.

To make you experience more fufilling and less dangerous use a laptop with the hard drive removed and a bitcoin paid vpn with a live operating system such as TAILS booted. Do this from public wifi never in the same place away from security cams and congratulations... You are a Ghost.