When you play a small role in the life of a person that means much to you

**sv.elia** · 11-22-2019, 04:02 PM

Recently I got in touch with my first fuck, a disfunctional crush that went over years. Mainly we just kept a heated chat, and arranged a few meetings in most of which he did not show up. He lives in the city I did my studies at the university (now married, but I suspect in love with a former flame of his), I live in a small town at my parents.

Now I find myself in financial difficulty and I reached out to talk, about aas too, as he also uses them. Guy told me to come back for a chat, and a plan to up my financial status. I thought he intends to be a coach for some fitness competition, instead he means to find me some clients for videochat while I rent an apartment and buy some setup. I found the idea beneath me and told as much (not politely). Then pointed out that he would not suggest it to his wife or the other girl. He got very defensive for me getting into his personal life, and angry at my ingratitude for the plan. Also blamed my "insolence" on aas.

And I stay here like "wtf happened?". I wanted to play a bigger role in the life of the person I liked.

Should I have been grateful? Am I close-minded regarding videochat? Am I supposed to study where it went wrong and not repeat it again? Or should I try to not think about it? I find it difficult to get over.

Have you ever had a similar feeling?

**Fluidic Kimbo** · 11-23-2019, 03:11 AM

It takes time for boundaries to heal.

The love of my life, my best friend, and the person I was ever closest to, died nearly 4 years ago. About 3 years before she died, I left my life in Europe behind and flew to New Jersey where I lived with her and her 2yr old daughter. On our last weekend together before we would have to be apart for two months -- I had to fly back to Ireland to sort a few things -- she thought it would be a treat to bring me into Lower Manhattan and get some cocaine. I had no idea at the time that she had a habit of kissing drug dealers on the lips right in front of her partners. She did that and I ended everything that night. She killed herself 3 years later.

Having had a few years to look back in anger on what my exgf did that day, and the disastrous consequences it had on both our lives, the most compassionate and realistic explanation is that, through her lifestyle and drug use, she had lost a sense of boundaries. She didn't think I would be offended to see her kiss another man, and she didn't think that I would be offended that an entire room of people just saw my gf kiss another man right in front of me. She was sorely mistake. In that moment she lost her best friend, her partner and the willing step father for her child.

It is my personal opinion that what your first f*** did was clueless, rather than deliberately demeaning or intentionally disrespectful. It was really really really dumb. If you were to sit him down and ask him questions to try get an idea of his attitude towards pornography, paying for sex, seduction, profiteering, work ethic, community spirit, etc.. then you'd either be very disgusted at him or very sympathetic with him.

A person who thinks it's appropriate to suggest to a person in financial hardship, to try attain so-called 'clients for videochat', is really missing out on life. This past year, I went to my first ballet show, I got my tshirt for 50 parkruns, I joined a brass band and started street skating. I am able to live my life and enjoy these things because I have a good understanding of what things in life are personal (e.g. a kiss on the lips), what things are impersonal (e.g. a wave hello), and what things are somewhere in between (e.g. a hug).

Some people have lost a sense of what things they should reserve for those closest to them, and what things they should unreluctantly give to everyone.

It takes a long time of introspection and self-looking to bring a person to a point where they can see the boundaries they've overstepped, and if they ever reach that point then they might have to churn through shame, guilt, and perceived condemnation. It's a really horrible process, but at the end of it you might me able to sit through an entire opera.

It takes time for boundaries to heal.

**Fluidic Kimbo** · 11-23-2019, 03:18 AM

Another thing. . .
I'm a native English speaker, I grew up in Dublin. . .
And I have always found it difficult to develop admiration for people who use the words "insolent" and "indolent".

**sv.elia** · 11-23-2019, 03:44 AM

Originally Posted by Fluidic Cameron

It takes a long time of introspection and self-looking to bring a person to a point where they can see the boundaries they've overstepped, and if they ever reach that point then they might have to churn through shame, guilt, and perceived condemnation. It's a really horrible process, but at the end of it you might me able to sit through an entire opera.

Yep, there was a saying "don't wish them bad, wish them consciousness". Thank you for sharing the story!

Originally Posted by Fluidic Cameron

Another thing. . .
I'm a native English speaker, I grew up in Dublin. . .
And I have always found it difficult to develop admiration for people who use the words "insolent" and "indolent".

I'm not a native speaker. My english comes from, well, movies and videogames

, most of them with settings beyond the classical era. Doing my best, trust me

**Fluidic Kimbo** · 11-23-2019, 07:26 AM

Originally Posted by sv.elia

Thank you for sharing the story

Not sure that I believe it all happened yet... maybe a few more weeks.

I'm not a native speaker.

1st guess: Spanish
2nd guess: One of the Scandinavian languages (Finnish?)
3rd guess: One of the more mainstream Euro languages (German?)

I have a friend living in Finland... I think coming into December it's now permanently dark (just minimal light from the moon and stars).

**sv.elia** · 11-23-2019, 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by Fluidic Cameron

Not sure that I believe it all happened yet... maybe a few more weeks.

1st guess: Spanish
2nd guess: One of the Scandinavian languages (Finnish?)
3rd guess: One of the more mainstream Euro languages (German?)

I have a friend living in Finland... I think coming into December it's now permanently dark (just minimal light from the moon and stars).

Romania, end of the world

Wish I could trade postal codes with someone from Finland or Germany

**Fluidic Kimbo** · 11-23-2019, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by sv.elia

Romania, end of the world

Wish I could trade postal codes with someone from Finland or Germany

Literally 20 minutes ago I was trying to help an elderly Romania couple in my town. I gave the husband a Hare Krishna book translated into Romania, and communicated with them using Google Translate. About 6 months ago the husband came in my car with me and we drove a few places to try improve his situation.

I have a fulltime job now so I can't follow up on stuff like I used to be able to. Ugh.

**Obs** · 11-23-2019, 10:53 PM

Originally Posted by sv.elia

Recently I got in touch with my first fuck, a disfunctional crush that went over years. Mainly we just kept a heated chat, and arranged a few meetings in most of which he did not show up. He lives in the city I did my studies at the university (now married, but I suspect in love with a former flame of his), I live in a small town at my parents.

Now I find myself in financial difficulty and I reached out to talk, about aas too, as he also uses them. Guy told me to come back for a chat, and a plan to up my financial status. I thought he intends to be a coach for some fitness competition, instead he means to find me some clients for videochat while I rent an apartment and buy some setup. I found the idea beneath me and told as much (not politely). Then pointed out that he would not suggest it to his wife or the other girl. He got very defensive for me getting into his personal life, and angry at my ingratitude for the plan. Also blamed my "insolence" on aas.

And I stay here like "wtf happened?". I wanted to play a bigger role in the life of the person I liked.

Should I have been grateful? Am I close-minded regarding videochat? Am I supposed to study where it went wrong and not repeat it again? Or should I try to not think about it? I find it difficult to get over.

Have you ever had a similar feeling?

You will get all sorts of answers from people.

You are being manipulated though. By the answers and by the person who left you with this debacle.

When someone has a problem with me they can step up and say it or go unnoticed until death. Thats their decision.

I believe in me.
I dont cater to what others want me to be.
I manipulate the world as best as I can and intend to hurt no one.

If I am allegedly hurting someone, it is because they have placed an idealist image of me in their life.

Sorry to say but if they have an image of me that I am not and never led them to believe, they will get hurt and it's their own fault.

You dont live for the desires of others. You are your own beautiful person and no one posesses you.

People are fucked up and dont even know what they want. They gd sure don't know what you want.

You follow your heart. Everyone else can get fucked.

Currently have a person trying to play little kid manipulative mind games with me. This is my, "most significant other."

Hate to tell her, it won't work.
I lost 5 kids and a wife and still stood strong because I was right.

So she can get over her shit or tey not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out (I may be slamming it).

Either way, I will be me.

Relationships are not built on compromise.
Relationships are built on someone loving the other as the individual they are.

Compromise=control.

Someone trys to control me via manipulation and I will walk off into the sunset as free as I was in the wake of their childish bullshit.

Plenty more fuckers out there to waste my life on.
Regardless I will leave this world alone and ME!

Idiots think love and relationships mean posession.
I have no telationship with idiots.

**Obs** · 11-23-2019, 11:08 PM

Btw I dont have some great recipe for life.

I do know though, you are a much better person without the manipulation of others desires.

You arent a gd posession.
You are worth as much or more than this mfer playing with your mind.

He obviously doesnt know shit about you so replace him with others or just cut him outta your life.

To learn how to not be manipulated you need to learn to manipulate.

I learned in reverse order. It sucks.
You give your all and get shit in return only to find out thats what they wanted all along.

This is how I became independant.
Tgere is not a person on this board, in my life, or even in my house that I cant live without.

I would dearly miss some but the ones that use me via manipulation will go and I won't blink.

Probably why I don't keep friends.
People are fake as fuck and self serving.

I am self serving but I dont fake being someone I am not to lure in someone and manipulate/posess them.

I am me.
If dicks and twats dont like that they can fuck off and go pout in their bedroom like my GF.

I am still me.
She best not keep it up or I will leave.
Plenty of other cunts to hate me out there.

**sv.elia** · 11-24-2019, 03:55 AM

Originally Posted by Obs

Currently have a person trying to play little kid manipulative mind games with me. This is my, "most significant other."

Hate to tell her, it won't work.
I lost 5 kids and a wife and still stood strong because I was right.

So she can get over her shit or tey not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out (I may be slamming it).

Either way, I will be me.

I have no telationship with idiots.

Lots of respect for keeping strong through that loss. I lost a smaller chapter of my life and it feels awful, can't imagine kids. All in all I don't think hapiness comes from having satisfied certain desires. Even if we don't have the people we want, or the home, or the desired job, we can be at peace at the end of the day if we are content with our reaction at the shit life threw at us (meaning take none).

**Fluidic Kimbo** · 11-24-2019, 04:18 AM

When things go wrong, kids make it so much worse

**Obs** · 11-24-2019, 07:03 AM

Originally Posted by sv.elia

Lots of respect for keeping strong through that loss. I lost a smaller chapter of my life and it feels awful, can't imagine kids. All in all I don't think hapiness comes from having satisfied certain desires. Even if we don't have the people we want, or the home, or the desired job, we can be at peace at the end of the day if we are content with our reaction at the shit life threw at us (meaning take none).

It was a temporary loss at the manipulation of my ex wife. I still won but she hurt the kids big time.

My point is I left her and lived. A live in gf of a few years wont be some great loss I cant bear. I have lost enough people that they cant leverage me with their presence and I wont waste time missing them or desiring them to be "x".

I have done this with everyone in my life before and been 100% alone a couple times. It wasn't bad really.
Hell, I would enjoy it now.

I would take home a different special female friend a few times a week.

**Fluidic Kimbo** · 11-24-2019, 07:19 AM

Originally Posted by Obs

My point is I left her and lived. A live in gf of a few years wont be some great loss I cant bear. I have lost enough people that they cant leverage me with their presence and I wont waste time missing them or desiring them to be "x".

I think I've a good formula for what to do if my next gf dies..... take an antidepressant for 8 months while I take up two new hobbies (a musical instrument and a sport). It worked last time.