Originally Posted by
want2bulk
This might get a little lengthy or confusing. I hope I don't make too many typos cuz I wanna hurry up and get off the computer. I've been staring at this screen for wayyyyyyy too long.
I met this girl about two years ago and there was mutual attraction from the start. When we met, she had only been out of a year-long relationship for a month or two. I myself had been single for over a year. I was in my whore stage and was out to nail whatever I could. I met a lot of hot chicks in this time and got my jollies off quite a bit ... I thought I wanted to be single forever. I thought this girl was just gonna be "another #" but it turned out to be so much more. We got along really well and had a lot of things in common. We had some good times together and had the same sense of humor. This chick was awesome...I'd never fallen for anyone this quick before. It was, however, hard to committ to being her boyfriend. I knew she had just gotten out of a long relationship so I didn't want to be a rebound. After seeing each other for almost 2 months, it became official ... we were boyfriend and girlfriend. This only lasted two weeks and you guessed it, she got back with the EX. She never explained to me what was going on. She just said she didn't know what she wanted anymore. I ended up running into her friends and finding out about it. I ended up finding out that kissed him right before we broke up, so technically, she cheated on me too. It was still hard to get over this girl because I think I started to fall in love already. We had almost no contact for about 4 months and then she started screwing me while she was dating this guy. She eventually broke up with him and wanted to start dating again. It was really hard on me making this decision because she had already left me once and it hurt pretty **** bad. I thought about her every day and missed her like hell while we were broken up. When we started to hang out again, I felt I'd give it a shot. I obviously didn't trust her 100% at this time because of the past. We just had so much fun together I felt like I had to be with her. We started dating again and it lasted from about November until this past July, or 8 months. During the 8 months, we had some good times together. We were the kind of couple that could just cuddle up and watch a movie. We didn't always have to be out or be partying to have fun. At this time, we did drink together with friends and always had a good time. A few months into the relationship, we started to fight more. She felt like she was going to have a nervous breakdown and I think the played a role. She hated her roommate, was having problems with friends and family, had a few friends pass away, and she never went out. I spent almost all of my time with her because I wanted someone to be there for her ... I wanted to be the shoulder she could cry on. I neglected my friends for this girl because she didn't have anything to do, but I didn't want her to hurt. She would get upset if I went out or if I was out too late. I would get upset with her for the same reasons as well. I don't know what her reasoning was, but I only got upset because she cheated on me b4 and I didn't have 100% trust ... it takes time to rebuild. The trust got to 100% eventually and I was hoping things would get better. I gave her a ring and she dumped me a week later. She just needed a break and needed to have fun, I guess. She felt like I was choosing roids over her which would NEVER happen. The breakup messed up my head pretty bad. I was a mess. She had sex with a 17 year old guy just a couple days after we broke up and then had sex with another guy a couple weeks after that. I hated not being able to talk to her so I would always call and she would act immature. She would put on a show in front of her friends. She said she didn't need me anymore and didn't want to talk again. Eventually, I got strong and gave her back everything she'd ever given me. At this time, she found out I was screwing another girl. She got really upset and came crawling back. She couldn't stand to see me with someone else and I guess it took me moving on to show her what she was missing. I'm not putting all the blame on her for the 2nd breakup, I'll take some as well...I wasn't always perfect. Anyways, she came crawling back even though she was with someone else. She dumped this guy and me and her got back together and had sex right away. I didn't think it'd feel right but I was so in love, nothing could have felt better. Her EX was always calling me and harassing me about ****, but I left it alone for the benefit of our relationship. My girl didn't want to move back home but had to get out of her apartment, so I offered to move in with her. My buddy wanted to move out as well so we all got a place together. WHAT A MISTAKE. Three is company and it caused tension. There would be arguments over TV, dishes in the sink, us having sex, or whatever. That **** got annoying. It would have been much better if just her and I moved in together. I started to get really stressed right after I signed the lease because a few days later, I heard my job was closing down after this summer. I have an old muscle car and it was right after this that I screwed up the motor ... after putting over $2,000 into it to get her running again. She doesn't know it but I think I burnt up a piston while hauling ass to the auto parts store to get a part for her car. I didn't have any race gas but wanted to try and get her car back on the road. It was 5:50 and the store closed at 6. See what I get for trying to be nice? I screw up my baby (67 Dodge Charger) and then moving out for her and my buddy stressed me out real bad. I never really liked living at my apartment. It was boring there. I felt lonely. Whenever I came to my parent's house, I stayed here for hours because I didn't want to go home. My workouts got shorter. I rarely slept without waking up a couple times throughout the night. I started to feel unwanted and worthless. I lost my sex drive. I lost my self esteem. I stopped going out with friends. I stopped being social. This is why I started juicin again ... in the past, they raised my self esteem and gave me lots of boners. The roids didn't help and I never liked what I saw in the mirror. I didn't talk about it much because I didn't want to spill my emotions, unless it was around my girl. I kinda mentioned my self esteem before, but she thought I was joking around because I used to be confident or "cocky" as she used to call it. On the inside, I did feel like ****. If she ever turned me down for sex or a BJ, I'd get pretty upset. It basically made me feel like there was someone else or that she wasn't attracted to me. I think it was all cuz of depression. We had our arguments because I'd wake her up early, and I guess that's cuz I just couldn't sleep. We'd argue over sex and that's about it. Sometimes, I would try to be calm and just talk to her ... she would yell and not give a crap. She had slapped me before and I pushed her. I usually only pushed her after she hit me, just to get her off of me. There was times where she would hit me, and I did nothing but take it. It wasn't complete abuse on her part. She would just slap me in the face a couple times or slap my back a few times. There was one time where she threw a complete temper tantrum and I just grabbed her and layed her on the bed. I held her down just because I wanted her to settle down. I loved this girl and I felt like **** inside, and the fights made it worse. Then came the dreadful day. We were arguing before she went to work and she was about to leave. I wanted to make up before she left so I was blocking the doorway. She didn't want to talk so she gave me a little shove. I pushed her back and she ended up falling down. She freaked out instantly and my heart sank when she fell. She was crying hysterically and I apologized immediately. I took her into the bedroom and tried to calm her down for 20 minutes ... nothing. She wouldn't stop crying so I let her leave. I tried to text message her saying that I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to get help cuz I wasn't feeling the same about myself. I wanted to tell her that I'd get us relationship counseling and I would pay for it. I just wanted to see if we could get some insight from a 3rd party but she never responded. She moved out the next day. She called me the day after moving out because she found out I was with another girl. I made it sound like we did some sexual things, but only because I thought she was with a guy. This other girl and I just talked and hugged ... it was nothing. My EX was crying when she found out and I told her I thought I had depression and couldn't help how I acted sometimes. She told me to get help and that she couldn't talk to me cuz her parents wouldn't allow it (she moved back home with mom). She said her mom was abused and she witnessed it as a kid. If I had known that, I would've made every effort to keep my hands off her no matter what but she should have done the same for me. I tried to call her and wish her a Happy New Year but she changed her #. I got a card for her and a letter and I made up a CD. I put it all on her car one day and then it was back in my mailbox two days later. The card was in an envelope that said "open first". It was my apology and I said "If you're at all interested, open the other envelope. If not, throw it away." She opened the other envelope with the letter explaining everything. She still gave it all back except she kept the CD and put in a picture of us together. What the hell gives here? Is she done? She knows I wanted to see a doctor. I just went to the doctor today and I got on an anti-depressant. He said it's been going on long enough so I'm going to try these and also see a psychiatrist. I think I'm doing a good thing by recognizing the problem and doing something about. I felt horrible when I pushed her but she never showed any remorse for hitting me. I don't know if she felt bad inside or not, but I sure did. I know her parents are probably telling her to stay away and I used to hear that as well. My friends and family told me to stay away cuz she already broke my heart. I went with my heart and my feelings, and got back with her. I didn't regret it then and I still don't because I love her to death. She knows that I'm an awesome guy inside. I just had things ****ing with my head. I had so much stress/depression. I had no confidence. I haven't done roids since she moved out. I stopped my cycle and am going to get rid of my supply. I guess my question is, what the hell do I do? I did a lot of things for her ... just little things that go unnoticed. She did a lot of things for me as well and they meant a lot. I loved being around her. We had fun together. We had similar personalities and interests. We had an awesome sex life, in my opinion. If I wouldn't have had depression, we would have had it all. Do I just give up or keep fighting for her? I know I messed up by pushing her, but she has to know that I didn't mean for her to fall ... I wouldn't have reacted the way I did if I meant for that to happen. She also messed up by hitting me. We have to realize to keep our hands to ourselves no matter how angry we get and at least I am getting help. I'm a good guy inside. Girls tell me this all the time. I've even told girls about some of the things I did for her and what I had planned for Valentines Day. All they say is, "****, will you be my boyfriend?" Obviously not yet, cuz I'm not over my EX! I'm a smart, hard working, caring, loving guy. I'm awesome with kids and love em. She knows this on the inside but I think other people around her might be influencing her unless I did scare her that bad. She knows I'd be a perfect guy to settle down with. I'm all about committment. So would you guys suggest I try to get in touch with her and prove that I'm getting help? Or should I move on because she knows I want to get help but doesn't seem to care? I was there for her when she needed me, no matter how tough it was for me. I know I may have scared her, but she seems to turn her back on me rather easily. I'm sorry this is soooo long but I need advice. I'm going through some **** right now. Please help. Thanks guy and gals!!!!
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