Woman's Workout Week
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided
it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made
my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified
himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling
white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed
me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He
was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
him
in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Bruce
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week, I am already planning to join!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights
on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT, it's a
whole new life for me!
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my **** arms hurt too bad to do
it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving to
the club was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of
a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not pull my leg up to brake.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and
when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Bruce told me this would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out
with the dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's
room. He sent Lana (the bitch) to find me, as punishment he put me on the
rowing machine, which I sank.
Friday:
I hate Bruce more than any being has ever hated any other human being in
the
history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was
a
part of my body that could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him
with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor,
don't hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
twinky. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want
to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel from the couch.< BR>
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank
GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a
hysterectomy!
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