AS & Depression, my experience
I am 9 weeks into my first 12 week cycle and all I can say is "I FEEL INCREDIBLE" I am 47yo and have suffered from ongoing clinical depression for as long as I can remember. For the last 8 or 9 years I have used Prozac, while no magic bullet it does take the edge off and I function pretty well.
I started the AS after some research and with the support of my partner who was doing a cycle. I was a little bit scared as I have always heard the reports regarding AS and depression. Hell, I've tried all kinds of ways to self medicate myself over the years, alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine.... and while it all brought short term relief (20 minutes with the blow) it always ended up getting worse as a result. Of course as I see my cycle coming to an end I do have a bit of fear and trepidation regarding the following "lows" I may experience post cycle but I can honestly say I have had some of the best weeks of my life and am prepared to deal with the lows if they do come upon me.
Unless someone has suffered from depression that may not know what I am talking about. You do anything, exercise,therapy, meditiaion, prayer, medication and still some days it is all you can do to get from the bed to the sofa. You feel a lot of shame and if you are like me go to great lengths for the world to not notice. I have had relationships and friendships with people that have no idea that I am depressed because I am always the life of the party. I have just been very good at hiding the way I feel.
Suddenly at 47yo I "get it", it is as though something has clicked in my brain and life just seems to be working. It has been great to experience an emotional puberty that I feel I missed out on the first time around. I hate to sound corny but this has been very emotional for me. I never thought I would know what it was like to look in the mirror and actually like the person I saw there, much less be able to realize they were attractive and a worthy human being with potential and capabilities.
As a result of exercise and working out I have always had a decent body but wass too clouded by insecurity and sadness to acknowledge it or enjoy it. The AS have allowed me to make tremendous gains physically but the pale in comparrison the emotional gains I have made regarding self esteem and well being. No I do not think I can go out into traffic and stop cars with one hand, or that I can fly (warnings of one of my co-workers) but I do feel as though I can acheive some of the smaller goals I have always had but were too afraid to persue. Hell, I never even told people that I went to the gym cause I was afraid they would laugh at me and today I can almost say that I am a body builder.
Like I said, this may not last foreever but it sure has been nice. To have people you have known for years come up to you and say "you have really changed, not that you're just bigger physically but everything about you seems bigger, your aura, your presence, you really glow." Now I know that sounds hella sappy but for someone that has never had that effect on people let me tell you I sure am enjoying it.
Enough for now, I'll let you know how things go post cycle, I have been keeping a bit of a journal.
P.S. I have had no physical side effects other than BP a little higher than usual but nothing comes for free, if I should manifest other side effects I may have to reconsider the whole thing but for now I am cool with that. I recently had to get my first paiir of reading glasses and the optometrist advised me that long use of Prozac may be the cause of my poor ability to focus, well if that is so it is a small price to pay for a bit of sanity.
