How to end a marriage?

**Sim Sima** · 01-11-2005, 12:21 AM

Hi guys/girls. This is a serious question. Hope you can help.

I've been married for less than a year but already it feels like we made a mistake. We're both the same age, 27. Been together for 5 years.

I love her, she's a great girl but we're not *in love* anymore. Everything seems like a routine, very boring. We have nothing to talk about, silent car rides. We spend majority of time hanging out with our own friends, you know "boys night outs" and "girls night outs". I stay at work as much as I can just so I don't have to go home. Sex sucks. Its just all wrong.

Despite all that it seems like she wants to fix the situation while I'm trying to find a way to end it. Maybe it sounds bad on my part but I really don't see how we can work it out.

So my question is, how do I do it? Do I just wait until it all collapses? That doesn't sound good. Or just be honest and tell her straight up that I want a divorce? That's hard, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do?

See about 2 years ago we broke up after I told her I don't want to be together anymore (we were bf and gf back then). I felt like sh** for doing that, thinking there's gotta be a way to soften the brake up??

What's your opinion? Thank you.

P.S. Would really appreciate a woman's point of view as well. Guys please ask your wifes and gfs.

**wildcatslady** · 01-11-2005, 01:55 AM

If you are sure you want to end it then the best way is just to be honest, it's gonna hurt no matter what, I don't know if there is a way to soften it. I mean do it when you two are alone at home, ya know not right before work or something like that, I have told my Husband if he ever wants out to just tell me, I told him I want him to be honest but to like not to tell me in the middle of wal-mart or something like that, I know I would have a lot of questions and want to talk about it at least a little just to know why and things like that, so don't just rush off afterwards make sure she is ok,unless she ask's you too anyway. this is just my thoughs on this. I have been married for several years now, not a lot of knowledge on the subject but I am learning and I hope I have helped. I wish you and her the best, good luck.

***xxx*** · 01-11-2005, 02:52 AM

be honest to her, talk to her, try to find a solution. both of u will have to work hard to stay together, but I wouldn t let a person easily go, that I have been in love with for such a long time. If u fail then, feel free to go. but without a fight for this love, I would never leave. of course it is easier to walk awaay, but easier isn t always better. in these times people tend to choose the easiest way in all matters of life. this is one reason why we got so many ****ing problems in this world...

LORDBLiTZ · 01-11-2005, 03:00 AM

You'll miss her....

**Animal Cracker** · 01-11-2005, 04:51 AM

You will miss her if you end it. Sometimes routine is good. Love is an act, IMO, if you can respect her and trust her, you have more than most men do!

**max2extreme** · 01-11-2005, 05:09 AM

You know what. Marriage is NEVER going to be that "in-love" feeling all the time...NEVER. And if you ask any other married person here, they will tell you the exact same thing. You said yourself you still love her. That is what marriage is all about. Marriage takes work. You get married and pledge that love to your spouse and make the promise to, in other words, work thru whatever bad times there are. This bad time you are going thru isnt even a bad time. Its something that you yourself and wife brought on yourselves and something that you and your wife can fix...easily. Stop hanging with the boys. Stop having girls nights out, and start having husband/wife nights out. Make it a point, even if you dont want to at the time, to hang out, force conversation, even if its about nothing, because that 'nothing conversation' will probably turn into a good conversation, or turn out to be funny or whatever. I say work with it. You love this girl. She loves you. Thats what its all about. If you keep chasing this eternal in-love feeling, you're gonna be either married 50 times, or end up lonely 20 years down the road. I say keep it, cherish it, and make it fun again. take the iniative and it will happen.

**hung-solo** · 01-11-2005, 05:18 AM

Originally Posted by Animal Cracker

You will miss her if you end it. Sometimes routine is good. Love is an act, IMO, if you can respect her and trust her, you have more than most men do!

yup! but spice it up a little.

**zOaib** · 01-11-2005, 05:23 AM

have a baby with her will change both of your lives completely and forget about girls nights out n boys nights out , u both need to go out together and spend time together , unless u r attracted to someone else doing all those boys nights out then thats a whole different story , but what i am looking at is those 5 years , **** thats a helluva time to know each other , i mean u guys loved each other didnt u , so why when u hit a plateau in life u just wanna end everything and go somewhere else ............. try to come out of that plateau , and take my advice forget boys nights out thing , and enjoy time with your wife , and tell her that u would rather spend more time with her than anyone else ..............

**Juggernaut** · 01-11-2005, 05:58 AM

Have you given any thought to seeing a marriage shrink (sorry, I can't spell that other long word. haha)? Are you even willing to save the relationship? If not then you need to just come right out with exactly how you feel with your wife. Prep yourself cause it's going to be rough. Also you'll need to be able to collect your things and have a place to go to...if you're the one to leave the house.

I would NOT (sorry Zoaib) suggest having a baby.....if you don't have a good relationship with your wife and then bring a baby into the picture.....Doesn't sound good to me.

**Monkeytown** · 01-11-2005, 06:17 AM

Originally Posted by max2extreme

You know what. Marriage is NEVER going to be that "in-love" feeling all the time...NEVER. And if you ask any other married person here, they will tell you the exact same thing. You said yourself you still love her. That is what marriage is all about. Marriage takes work. You get married and pledge that love to your spouse and make the promise to, in other words, work thru whatever bad times there are. This bad time you are going thru isnt even a bad time. Its something that you yourself and wife brought on yourselves and something that you and your wife can fix...easily. Stop hanging with the boys. Stop having girls nights out, and start having husband/wife nights out. Make it a point, even if you dont want to at the time, to hang out, force conversation, even if its about nothing, because that 'nothing conversation' will probably turn into a good conversation, or turn out to be funny or whatever. I say work with it. You love this girl. She loves you. Thats what its all about. If you keep chasing this eternal in-love feeling, you're gonna be either married 50 times, or end up lonely 20 years down the road. I say keep it, cherish it, and make it fun again. take the iniative and it will happen.

I couldn't have said it better. I have been through all of this and got the divorce. I think it was the worse mistake of my life. I missed her terribly, still do sometimes and it's been 4 1/2 years.

**spywizard** · 01-11-2005, 06:23 AM

all of these are good advice...(except the baby one)

let me ask a question..

lets say it is 16 years from now.. and you still want to end it... how pissed do you think she will be, or you will be for wasting the last 16 years with a person that didn't want to be with them..

If you stay, you will develop behavior that will make her hate you, and thus end the relationship.. it will be your fault, and you are the bad guy..

Is that what you want.??

don't be that guy.. talk to her.. tell her it was a mistake.. and move on..

sorry for your lose..

***xxx*** · 01-11-2005, 06:33 AM

a baby while thinking of divorce? that s a no no procedure

**needmorestrength** · 01-11-2005, 06:45 AM

It's sad to see this.. But there is good advice there. I don't agree with having a child however.... If you feel you must have a break.. don't get divorced straight away, seperate, sometimes this makes you realize that it was a good thing without throwing it all away.. Have you been open and honest with her? Told her that you feel this way? Try talking with her, communication is the best way to solve a problem.. Take it back to the time when you were dating, go see a movie etc.. I would, if absolutly nessesary seek a marriage counseler

**profbiv** · 01-11-2005, 06:53 AM

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

**Commando_Barbi** · 01-11-2005, 07:59 AM

A serious discussion is in order for sure. I wouldn't run right to a divorce. I would talk about how you are feeling.....and see what you can do to change it. Of course things have gotten routine...you both have the stressors of daily responsibilites and that is just life in general. When you are with the same person day in and day out.....it happens. That doesn't mean you aren't in love anymore. I think a marriage counselor is a good idea and then go from there. There are lots of marriage enrichment programs out there. Give it some EFFORT before you throw it away. Being single looks pretty attractive till you are single and then you realize that those "hot chicks" you think you want to get with when you are thinking about being with the same woman day in and day out......don't have as much to offer beyond the bedroom than your wife does.

Think hard......marriage was a life altering experience........so is divorce.

**Juggernaut** · 01-11-2005, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by Commando_Barbi

A serious discussion is in order for sure. I wouldn't run right to a divorce. I would talk about how you are feeling.....and see what you can do to change it. Of course things have gotten routine...you both have the stressors of daily responsibilites and that is just life in general. When you are with the same person day in and day out.....it happens. That doesn't mean you aren't in love anymore. I think a marriage counselor is a good idea and then go from there. There are lots of marriage enrichment programs out there. Give it some EFFORT before you throw it away. Being single looks pretty attractive till you are single and then you realize that those "hot chicks" you think you want to get with when you are thinking about being with the same woman day in and day out......don't have as much to offer beyond the bedroom than your wife does.

Think hard......marriage was a life altering experience........so is divorce.

Wait a minute....hot chicks will sleep with you if you're single?!! I have got to try to find a hot chick that'll sleep with me....never had one of those......do I need to be good looking to get a hot chick? If so I'm totally screwed. hahahaha

kc · 01-11-2005, 08:24 AM

Wow. First I want to wish you all the luck in the world, you're venturing into scary territory. I'm fresh out of a similar marriage of 3 years (10 year relationship). We've been best friends for 10 years, got married(with the insistance of our parents) and moved away from home. Turns out that we both wanted something very different from our lives and our relationship had turned into something safe. We were more roommates than we were a couple. After many long conversations we decided to go our seperate ways. Definately be honest.....now, next week, tomorrow, next year .....honesty with yourself and with her is the only way to either make your relationship work or to end it without doing unnecessary damage. Again...good luck!

**Hot-Rox** · 01-11-2005, 08:25 AM

Clearly there no simple solutions here. You have 5 years invested in this relationship. There must be something positive. Also, you broke up 2 years ago and got back together and got married. What prompted that decision? Also grass always appears greener. Guys nights out seem great, but most of the single guys go home alone and were probably wishing they had a wife to go home to. At 27 you are no kid. It is time to make some serious decisions.

**Benches505** · 01-11-2005, 08:27 AM

It is better to move on now before you waste anymore of your/her time on a dead thing. Time is the one thing you can't get back and when you are spent you are spent.

**bermich** · 01-11-2005, 08:52 AM

I disagree with stopping the boys night out thing. Spending ALL your free time with her will make things worse. It helps to have a place to get away such as with your friends.
I really cant answer your question cause I am asking the same question myself. Im not married yet but engaged and she practically has all her stuff at my house.
It is more of a conveniance relationship than an IN LOVE one. One of those relationships where the marriage would be ok but nothing extraordinary.
I dont know what to do either. End it now or just live with it and make a satisfactory relationship work even though I think I could be happier????

**Bigen12** · 01-11-2005, 08:54 AM

Originally Posted by bermich

I disagree with stopping the boys night out thing. Spending ALL your free time with her will make things worse. It helps to have a place to get away such as with your friends.

Absolutely, never give this up.

**zOaib** · 01-11-2005, 08:56 AM

i will AGREE with what MAX said , marriage will never be the same " LOVE FEELING U FIRST HAD " .................. its never like that and i think majority of the people who get divorced are into that fake fantasy world that if its not like how it was first then its not right ............ plus u said she wants to mend this problem , i think u should help her mend it it !!!!

also to what Barbi said " before u throw it away , try to reconcile with different things , such as marriage councelling " ....................... and for the LOVE OF GOD DONT HAVE A BABY ............... i was kidding when i first said it , i think ppl took it seriously .................. but thats an option too ! lol

**MrMondodondo** · 01-11-2005, 09:06 AM

Good Luck Bro,

Some GREAT input here. I would be honest to be sure. Marriage is a routine and love is an action. Sometimes it is hard enough to live with yourself let alone someone else. If you love her try and do some "new" and different/exciting things together. By the way, are "the boys" that you hang with married or single???? This is kinda important in a few ways. Hanging with single guys on the hunt always screws me up a little bit. The fact is they are always looking for the next "one" tho aren't they?

Good luck!!!!

**decadbal** · 01-11-2005, 09:20 AM

kill her and hide the body..

lol jk bro i dontk now, good luck to u tho

**groverman1** · 01-11-2005, 10:08 AM

Bang her mom and grandma!!!

**ArkansasAlex** · 01-11-2005, 10:14 AM

9mm always works well imho

Peace
Alex

**needmorestrength** · 01-11-2005, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by Decadbal

kill her and hide the body..

lol jk bro i dontk now, good luck to u tho

lmao thats your answer to any girl problem

**zOaib** · 01-11-2005, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by needmorestrength

lmao thats your answer to any girl problem

and u guys were saying my BABY idea was Bad , the above 2 are saying to exterminate her completely , WOW ! we know what u did with your girl friends and wives !!!

**Sim Sima** · 01-11-2005, 03:38 PM

Thank you for everybody's input except for Scott Peterson and OJ.

I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by spywizard

all of these are good advice...(except the baby one)

let me ask a question..

lets say it is 16 years from now.. and you still want to end it... how pissed do you think she will be, or you will be for wasting the last 16 years with a person that didn't want to be with them..

If you stay, you will develop behavior that will make her hate you, and thus end the relationship.. it will be your fault, and you are the bad guy..

Is that what you want.??

don't be that guy.. talk to her.. tell her it was a mistake.. and move on..

sorry for your lose..

That's what I think about a lot. She's not far from hating me considering how things have been going lately. She's got a good reason to. I was the one who begged her to come back after our last split up before we got married so she'll feel (or already feels) like I betrayed her even though my intentions were true at that time.

She's very emotional. When I tell her how I feel she'll be devasted, probably suicidal. That's why I'm afraid to tell her the truth and looking for a way to make it easier on her. Not so much worried about parents, mutual friends, our home, etc but her reaction.

**Sim Sima** · 01-11-2005, 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by needmorestrength

Have you been open and honest with her? Told her that you feel this way?

No I haven't.

**Sim Sima** · 01-11-2005, 03:42 PM

Originally Posted by Hot-Rox

Also, you broke up 2 years ago and got back together and got married. What prompted that decision?

I felt like I made a huge mistake so I asked her back with a ring.

For some reason I think this time I won't want her back, probably wishful thinking.

**Sim Sima** · 01-11-2005, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by bermich

I disagree with stopping the boys night out thing. Spending ALL your free time with her will make things worse. It helps to have a place to get away such as with your friends.
I really cant answer your question cause I am asking the same question myself. Im not married yet but engaged and she practically has all her stuff at my house.
It is more of a conveniance relationship than an IN LOVE one. One of those relationships where the marriage would be ok but nothing extraordinary.
I dont know what to do either. End it now or just live with it and make a satisfactory relationship work even though I think I could be happier????

I would end it now. It'll be a lot harder to split when you're married. If you feel like this now it'll get worse with time.

**Sim Sima** · 01-11-2005, 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by MrMondodondo

Good Luck Bro,

Some GREAT input here. I would be honest to be sure. Marriage is a routine and love is an action. Sometimes it is hard enough to live with yourself let alone someone else. If you love her try and do some "new" and different/exciting things together. By the way, are "the boys" that you hang with married or single???? This is kinda important in a few ways. Hanging with single guys on the hunt always screws me up a little bit. The fact is they are always looking for the next "one" tho aren't they?

Good luck!!!!

yep, they're all single. They definelty have an influence on me.

**Be Real** · 01-11-2005, 04:17 PM

Pull a Peterson.

**Jack87** · 01-11-2005, 04:29 PM

This is true, but anything that is to routine and boring will lead someone
to cheat... My niece married her college sweetheart a year after they
finished up school... Lived together for a year before tieing the knot
and then it got so boring they both had their "one night" out each
week with friends to try to make their lives more exciting...

It didn't work, they both ended up cheating and hurting each other and
to this day it never made any sense, because even though they loved
each other as friends and respected the other, they weren't in love and
that's really what most of us want is love... End of story if you're not
happy it will either end on it's own badly or you can step up and end it
right with some kind of respect for her feelings and your own would be
my advice the bro...

Originally Posted by Animal Cracker

You will miss her if you end it. Sometimes routine is good. Love is an act, IMO, if you can respect her and trust her, you have more than most men do!

**skiing** · 01-11-2005, 04:41 PM

[QUOTE=Sim Sima]Hi guys/girls. That's hard, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do?

this line in what you wrote sums it up. Have you tried everything within your power to understand your feelings or hers. If she is willing to give it a try you will definitely feel better knowing you did all in your power to make it work. If then and only then you decide it is still the best to seperate then you will have more peace of mind knowing you did the right thing event thought it was hard. I wish you the best. ski a great winter.

**skiing** · 01-11-2005, 04:46 PM

[QUOTE=Sim Sima]Hi guys/girls. This is a serious question. Hope you can help.

That's hard, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do?

This line sums it up. IF she is willing to give it a try you wont feel good about leaving if you dont give it a try also. take some counseling and really give it a try. then and only then if you decide it is still best to leave you will feel much better about your decision knowing you did the right thing even thought it is hard. I wish you the best.

P.S. I am taking counseling with my gf she isnt even my wife yet we do this to have a medium to help us better respond and communicate towards one another. We have been together over 3 years.. again i wish you the best.
ski a great winter

**skiing** · 01-11-2005, 04:48 PM

sorry about the double post didnt think the first worked. ski a great winter

**seanw** · 01-11-2005, 05:02 PM

Communication is everything bro, and under no circumstances have a kid until you are sure it is going to last, I made that mistake and I have regreted it for 18 years. If you dont talk about it with her then you arnt being fair to either of you. Hey its a hard thing to do, there is no doubt. If you really want to fix it go and get some councelling, they know there sh!t and will be able to help you. But if you do want to save it you have to talk to her about it.

**needmorestrength** · 01-11-2005, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by Sim Sima

No I haven't.

Honesty is the best policy bro... You have to tell her something! Start slow and see how she reacts n go from there..

Thread: How to end a marriage?

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Rate This Thread

Display

How to end a marriage?

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

Posting Permissions