Anybody on here dating somebody with kids?

**stayinstacked** · 08-03-2005, 11:08 PM

I really need some help guys. I dont mean to make this sound awful but I gotta be honest. I've been with my girl for almost a year now, we are engaged and supposed to marry next spring. She has a 5 year old daughter. The problem is I dont know how much I should care for the kid. It's terrible, she loves me so much and looks up to me, but I just dont love her like she was my own. There are times when she doesnt bother me, but often times I resent the whole thing. I've found myself lately caring more for my puppy than her, I know it's awful. When I occasionally tuck her into bed I'll throw the blanket over her quick like and just click the light out immediately, wont give her a second glance. I feel as if she needs more discipline sometimes, she acts up too much, and I'm not in the position where I can do much. I feel that more often than not, when 2 people become seperated the child becomes more of a buddy to the mom rather than a kid, and they baby them too much. I just dont need a future 10 year old screaming"your not my ****ing dad!!" So therefore I feel like I'm in no way responsible, and I guess if I dont feel like I have any responsibility all it does is remind me its somebody elses. Has anybody ever dealt with this and could you enlighten me or maybe help me out. Thanks

**radar1234** · 08-03-2005, 11:15 PM

that's a tough situation. let the mom be her mom and u just be as supportive as possible. is the dad still in her life?

**stayinstacked** · 08-03-2005, 11:19 PM

Originally Posted by radar1234

that's a tough situation. let the mom be her mom and u just be as supportive as possible. is the dad still in her life?

Yeah, he is, he's a good guy. See, part of the problem is when he gets her he has to discipline the shit out of her because she's not getting enough here. Now she thinks that his place is nothing but discipline and time out. I feel as if I had more say in it, it'd make it easier on all of us. There are times when I just wanna spank the hell out of her and I cant.

**radar1234** · 08-03-2005, 11:27 PM

are there are other ways of getting through to her without spankings? is she kind of a brat? is her mom a softie? 10 can be a rebellious age also. maybe if u make it more clear that u dissaprove of her behavior she may smarten up to gain ur respect. sometimes its a long-shot though.

i was in a similar situation years ago but i found that the reward system worked wonders.

good behavior=rewards ie: movies,goin to the park,toys(no too many though lol. u may create a monster! lol)

**stayinstacked** · 08-03-2005, 11:35 PM

dude, she gets spoiled all the time. My girl has a tight knit family, and every ****ing day somebody is giving her something. Wether it be Grandma, her cousin or her mom she is ****ing spoiled rotten. She is 5 years old and still drinks from a Gerber baby sippy cup, I want to just trash that thing so bad. Everybody but her dad is too soft on her. I actually value the guys discipline. Even if I yell my girl will get upset, because I have a voice that is deep and tends to scare the shit out of a kid. I think we need to have a talk, I might accept the child easier knowing that I had some responsibility in her upbringing. I'll never be the father I know that, but I'm raising her more than he is, she's with us a hell of alot more.

**radar1234** · 08-03-2005, 11:41 PM

i guess patience is ur only option at this point. dont yell too much though. that tends to create too much distance. just show her alot of positive attention. and if she gets out of control u can always hire NANNY 911!

**BigMike J** · 08-03-2005, 11:45 PM

If those are your true feeling you just need to get the fawk out of there. The kid needs love even if it's from a stepfather.

The kids always come first.

**TheNextBigThing** · 08-04-2005, 01:16 AM

You shouldn't feel bad about how you feel about your situation at all. I would feel the same way about a child if it wasn't mine and I am sure that many other people would too. Maybe you should re-evaluate your situation because when you marry this girl, you will still have this problem with her daughter. All I know, is that I promised myself that I would never get involved with a woman with a child as it is a problem that I could not deal with.

**PaRiS2005** · 08-04-2005, 01:19 AM

You need to call Dr. Phil.

**WildCh1ld** · 08-04-2005, 01:22 AM

Originally Posted by stayinstacked

I might accept the child easier knowing that I had some responsibility in her upbringing. I'll never be the father I know that, but I'm raising her more than he is, she's with us a hell of alot more.

You just answered your question bro, My buddy is going through the EXACT same thing but the girl's father isn't in the picture at all, I don't think the girl is that bad either but I don't see her allot but when I do I think she's a good kid. But every once in a while I think he's being a dick and I tell him to chill out but he's always got an excuse why he's checkin her. Go with your true feeling's about the situation and things should work out.

**305GUY** · 08-04-2005, 01:27 AM

Originally Posted by BigMike J

If those are your true feeling you just need to get the fawk out of there. The kid needs love even if it's from a stepfather.

The kids always come first.

I agree with BigMike, if your going to marry your girl your gonna need to step up and be a loving dad to that girl. your going to hear that "your not my dad" bullshit no matter what.

**PaRiS2005** · 08-04-2005, 01:27 AM

Originally Posted by WILDCH1LD

You just answered your question bro, My buddy is going through the EXACT same thing but the girl's father isn't in the picture at all, I don't think the girl is that bad either but I don't see her allot but when I do I think she's a good kid. But every once in a while I think he's being a dick and I tell him to chill out but he's always got an excuse why he's checkin her. Go with your true feeling's about the situation and things should work out.

He's exactly right. Plus, right now maybe you don't think you can be there for her b/c of the stage she's at in life. She's very young right now, and going through a lot for a 5 year old. I mean, think about it. THere's this new guy in her life that isn't her dad, but he's around a lot more, and he's with her mom. To a child, this is hard to understand. They don't know what divorce is. But they do know what love is. As long as you realize and someday she will too realize, that you are not her father and don't try to take his place, things will fall into place naturally.

**collar** · 08-04-2005, 02:47 AM

if you really love the mother and support her..
i guess you will have to go through this faze and just support the mom...

my sugestion is you should sit the mom and talk to her bout what you think bout her daughter and things you disagree with....
you should talk to the mom bout how much influence can you have on the childs life cause you seem to be confused ...
if you should discpline the girl and what to do....
meaning is like can you yell at her... sit her down and discpline her what ever and so on....
but i see its almost like you have hate for the girl or you cant stand been around her...
now i see this as jealousy thing maybe where the mom is giving too much attention to the girl... that you 2 arnt getting much of time together.....
if not you better find a solution quick or get out of there ... cause you seem to dislike the girl and that aint good for any of you...

**Tazwell** · 08-04-2005, 03:30 AM

i am dating a girl with a one year old boy.. i have those same feelings your getting with her kid too.. i tried everything; talking to the mom about it, taking a more active role in caring for the kid, trying to raise him.. but i just had no love for her baby, and i couldn't make my self love him, when he pisses me off i say some real fvked up shit..

i told her the truth, and unfortunatly we decided that we could never marry, or stay together much longer, even though were hopelessly in love with each other.. it just wouldn't be good for her boy.. we still see each other about twice a weak, but eventually one of us will find someone else.. just talk to her and be honest, try to see if y'all can find a way to make it work.. you might not like the conclusion that y'all decide, but you can't go on pretending everythings ok.

**Commando_Barbi** · 08-04-2005, 10:12 AM

You will probably never have the same attachment to her as you would if she was your own.....but you either have to step up and play the role or go now. You and your fiance need to set the ground rules....together....esp if you are living together. I.e...bed time is this. What is and isn't acceptable behavior and what the punishment is for the unacceptable behavior. You can discipline a child without violence. Time out ... when used properly IS a good tool. Not in her room but in a place of the house she is not going to like. No toys, no fun, etc. A child needs consistency and discipline. Poor thing is confused as hell. Daddy here, daddy there. This daddy makes me walk the straight and narrow while mom and the other daddy don't.

You don't have to love her like blood.....but.....think of it this way. If you had a child with someone, you were divorced.......and another man was involved in raising YOUR baby girl on a day to day basis........how would YOU want her to be treated. How you treat her now....as she's growing up will greatly affect the men SHE turns into a young woman.

Good luck. Tough choices ahead. Make them with one thing in mind...that Child!

**radar1234** · 08-04-2005, 10:17 AM

well put

**stayinstacked** · 08-04-2005, 10:26 AM

well last night I went ahead and hid the baby sippy cups, I hid them all. This morning my girl and her were going nuts trying to find them, they thought the dog took them. I eventually told my girl I hid them because she was getting too old for them. My girl actually told me to leave them hidden, and she has been drinking out of a "big girl cup" all day, so maybe I have more pull than I think. I love my girl to death, and I'd hate to leave her, so I'm trying to cope with the situation as best as I can. At least I get along with the little girls dad, I mean the situation could be alot worse

**radar1234** · 08-04-2005, 10:39 AM

sounds like progress!

**Commando_Barbi** · 08-04-2005, 11:10 AM

As parents....we don't want our babies to grow up too fast because then they won't NEED us anymore. Allowing them to continue the baby habits is more for US than for them.

How's she gonna look in Kindergarten.....drinking out of a sippy cup!

Good job!

Originally Posted by stayinstacked

well last night I went ahead and hid the baby sippy cups, I hid them all. This morning my girl and her were going nuts trying to find them, they thought the dog took them. I eventually told my girl I hid them because she was getting too old for them. My girl actually told me to leave them hidden, and she has been drinking out of a "big girl cup" all day, so maybe I have more pull than I think. I love my girl to death, and I'd hate to leave her, so I'm trying to cope with the situation as best as I can. At least I get along with the little girls dad, I mean the situation could be alot worse

**Lozgod** · 08-04-2005, 11:13 AM

Weird, you are describing an episode of Nanny 911 almost down to the exact details.

**Commando_Barbi** · 08-04-2005, 11:20 AM

Kids really aren't that complicated. Firm, consistent and let them see they CAN do it for themselves.

**BiteTheDust** · 08-04-2005, 12:10 PM

Man,

Give the kid some love man, I my self was attempted to be raised by an ass-hole of a stepfather. Who no matter how hard I tried would not accept me as his son, now.

With girls its even a bigger situation, fathers are the ones who usually become.. you know.. Shes "Daddies llil girl" and usually protects her from things that they are usually vulnerable too, so for g o d sakes man, Take responsability... have a heart and disciplnine..

By the sounds of it you nned too tell all of what u said to your too be wife, you have a good argument. Instead of postin it here for us guys to try n help u out, it wont, we can only give advice, I suggest talk straight up to your wife without the kid around. OK.

And show the kid a little love man, for her sake, she is a peson and you could be fu ckin her up for the future, then u will have some problems.

**decadbal** · 08-04-2005, 03:16 PM

your mother... tell her im gonna be late tonight...lol jk

i feel your pain..

**shorty2big** · 08-09-2005, 04:55 PM

it is a tough situation. I have been with my girl for almost 5 years and she has a 5 1/2 yo child. You go into the situation knowing that if there is any real future with this woman that there is also a child involved. I dont think that you can have a healthy relationship if you dont love both the woman and the child. I know it's tough, very tough. I am having problems myslef right now. It's taken me this long to finally think that this isnt going to work out. I just dont feel the connection to that child & to treat that child any different than your own is just going to cause problems and resentment down the road. Think about it bro, how would you like your woman to love your puupy more than you? Just my 2 cents bro. I know it sucks.
shorty2big

**Jdawg50** · 08-09-2005, 04:56 PM

I married someone with a kid. His dad is no longer alive though, and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

**Theatrix** · 08-09-2005, 07:24 PM

Take a look at your relationship with the kid's mom. If there is mutual respect, real respect for each other, then you'll make the relationship work with her daughter. If you don't respect the way mom is handeling her daughter, that lack of respect will permiate through to the rest of the relationship, and the kid will use that against your woman and you as she gets older.

**1819** · 08-09-2005, 07:35 PM

first time for me dating a chick with kids. she has a 7yr old and a 3. i really dont have any problem. i stay as neutral as possible. just like i do with my nieces and nephews. maybe once in a blue moon i raise my voice to get a point across but thats about it. they all have fathers. that is not my place. of course, with my family, i love them to death but as far as my girls kids are concerned, no, i have no love for them. not in a bad way. i care about them and i have alot of fun with them. but they have a mom and a dad.

**Zapp** · 08-09-2005, 08:23 PM

I am a single parent of a 6 year old little girl. I hope I don't ever get serious with a woman that feels the way you do. That just isn't cool bro.

**1819** · 08-09-2005, 08:31 PM

Originally Posted by Zapp

I am a single parent of a 6 year old little girl. I hope I don't ever get serious with a woman that feels the way you do. That just isn't cool bro.

why do you say so zapp? just being honest. i dont love them. maybe someday i will, but i dont now. shouldt force somethin like that. dont ya think? not fair to the girl, not fair to the kids.

**Zapp** · 08-10-2005, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by 1819

why do you say so zapp? just being honest. i dont love them. maybe someday i will, but i dont now. shouldt force somethin like that. dont ya think? not fair to the girl, not fair to the kids.

What bothers me bro...is that you are engaged to marry this lady. You will be spending all of your time with her and her kids, but you say you care more about your dog than her children. That really burns my #ss. If you really loved this lady you wouldn't feel that way. The best thing for you to do is to tell her the exact same thing you wrote in your thread. I don't think you will have a problem anymore!

**1819** · 08-11-2005, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by Zapp

What bothers me bro...is that you are engaged to marry this lady. You will be spending all of your time with her and her kids, but you say you care more about your dog than her children. That really burns my #ss. If you really loved this lady you wouldn't feel that way. The best thing for you to do is to tell her the exact same thing you wrote in your thread. I don't think you will have a problem anymore!

engaged? dog? wrong guy.

**stayinstacked** · 08-11-2005, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by Zapp

What bothers me bro...is that you are engaged to marry this lady. You will be spending all of your time with her and her kids, but you say you care more about your dog than her children. That really burns my #ss. If you really loved this lady you wouldn't feel that way. The best thing for you to do is to tell her the exact same thing you wrote in your thread. I don't think you will have a problem anymore!

Yes, I really love her, but that doesnt necessarily mean I have the same love for her kid. And why should I? There are alot of things in that kids life I cant take part in since I'm not her dad. It was her first day of kindergarten this week, I didnt go to the school to see her go on her first day, Mom took her, and dad met up with them there. When her dad comes over to pick her up and she's acting out, you really think I'm in much of a position to tell her to stop it, when the dad is right there in front of me? I think it would be stepping on his toes and piss him off if I did, and I couldnt blame him. So therefore, I dont a whole lot of influence or say in her life, I dont have as much responsibility. And every time something like that happens all it does is remind me that she isnt mine and ultimately I'm not the person who is going to have much of a choice in her upbringing. So no, I dont love her like she was my own, and probably never will. But that doesnt mean I cant try my best, all that means is I'm an honest person and not another hypocrit.

**BeerBaron** · 08-11-2005, 11:03 AM

Thats why I started juicing young.... In hopes it will render me sterile and I will never have to deal with having kids.

**rambo** · 08-13-2005, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by stayinstacked

Yes, I really love her, but that doesnt necessarily mean I have the same love for her kid. And why should I? There are alot of things in that kids life I cant take part in since I'm not her dad. It was her first day of kindergarten this week, I didnt go to the school to see her go on her first day, Mom took her, and dad met up with them there. When her dad comes over to pick her up and she's acting out, you really think I'm in much of a position to tell her to stop it, when the dad is right there in front of me? I think it would be stepping on his toes and piss him off if I did, and I couldnt blame him. So therefore, I dont a whole lot of influence or say in her life, I dont have as much responsibility. And every time something like that happens all it does is remind me that she isnt mine and ultimately I'm not the person who is going to have much of a choice in her upbringing. So no, I dont love her like she was my own, and probably never will. But that doesnt mean I cant try my best, all that means is I'm an honest person and not another hypocrit.

It's good that you're honest. Don't marry this woman. As someone who was in a home with a step-parent who could have given a shit about me, I know that the damage that can be done is irreversible. I know you love the mom, but if you take the vow to marry her, you're responsible to protect her from everything you can. That includes a wrenching familial situation that could arise down the line because you're involvement in the kid's life is suspect and half-ass. You seem like a mature, honest, and respectful adult. So I think you know that it comes down to two things for you: Either you find a way to love this kid and fix the problem, or you walk away. Any middle ground is going to ruin this kid's life down the road.

**Red Ketchup** · 08-13-2005, 06:05 PM

I've been in this situation from both ends (as the parent with a kid, and as the "new dad" in a relationship)...

I have to admit I never expected any woman I dated to ever be a "mom" to my boy. My boy already has a mom and doesn't expect another one.

On the other hand, the least I would expect from any woman involved with me is to make the effort to at least be my boys friend. Being friends can be anything from tolerating each other to being best friends... it's really what they make of it.

Want it or not, my boy and I are a "package deal". I can't ask or expect any woman to love my kid like it was hers, and having dated women with kids of their own, I know exactly how that feels... but being a "package deal", certain basic things are expected.

If a partner cannot stand my kid, then it's over between us, if push comes to shove my own flesh comes before a stranger, no matter how much I love her... and I expect the same treatment of any woman with kids.

So bro, nobody expects you to love her kid like he was yours... but if you can't at least be her kids friend... then ask yourself if you really belong in that relationship. Another thing to consider is that the kid is in a very difficult to deal with age range (2-6 for me is pure hell when it comes to other peoples kids). Things will improve and get more fun.

Just my 2 cents worth

Red

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