Bo's Philosophy on Relationships
I apologize in advance..
Within the content of any decision lies the information/value assessment. Many people as they come into these forums with relationship problems seem to be highly approval seeking in nature. They are confronted with some sort of conflict in a relationship and their first thought is to “seek information†or another words “seek approval†regarding the right thing to do. This leads us to briefly access the value of the information we’re about to receive. One common fault people make in life is using the age of someone to determine the value of the information. So lets take a look at some facts.
Basic first fact one. Its estimated that roughly 50% of every thought a person has through out the course of a day revolves around the sex/relationship area. Therefore there is bound to be a surplus of faulty information regarding the right thing to do because EVERYONE has not only one, but often a thousand opinions, and feels the need to express every one of them. For the majority, people form their foundations, boundaries, and standards in relationships at a young age, and although their views may change throughout a lifetime, this “foundation†will always remain pivotal in their thought process.
One of the most common examples is a line mommy probably uses about a thousand times in the course of our adolescence, the “just be yourself†line. This is to say the least from any rational perspective, a recipe for absolute disaster. How so you ask? Well take a look at yourself 5, maybe 10 years ago. Maybe when you were 14 for this specific example. Mommy says “just be yourselfâ€. This implies that accepting this advice would condemn you to a life lived in the mentality of a 14 year old. We as humans, in nature, are constantly evolving, responding, and changing creatures. Even in the event of approaching a woman, failing to go outside your character and try something new or different will afford you absolutely no improvement whatsoever. We had to learn how to cook, we had to learn how to wipe our ass, so why should relationships be anything that’s ingrained into our natural struggle for comfort? Its not, it will never be, so stop “being yourselfâ€. After all who is yourself? Just who YOU think you are. So as long as you think your someone who has to struggle in relationships, and continue to just be yourself.. your doomed for failure.
The cliché “with age doesn’t always come wisdom†rings MUCH truth especially in this area for the fact that people are somewhat embarrassed or resilient in exposing their personal relationship problems. Because this is a natural tendency, the person you receive advice from most likely will have went through a similar issue and will only have mediocre at best advice to dispense. With wisdom, comes one thing, willingness to experience. And also, the ability to decide without contemplating the outcome for too long. People who contemplate outcomes, rob themselves of the wisdom their decision will provide them. The most successful people in this world make decisions and do it often. Delaying decisions, perpetuates confusion, and fills your information banks with less valuable data. This doesn’t go to say act without thinking, but more to avoid the think without acting syndrome so prevalent with people today.
Another factor in relationships that is rarely noted is climatic changes. With the arrival of summer, and the scarcity of clothing, biological urges naturally become more pronounced. This is why the majority of conflict in relationships arises with the onset of warm weather. And it is in my opinion that most break ups happen around September/Octoberish. The time in between the onset of summer and its departure usually marks the length of time it takes someone to make a decision, like breaking up. They’ll spend their summer in a masquerade of flings, infidelities, and uncertainty. Than as winter peeks its frosty face, the need for closure increases.
So as natural the cycle of weather, as natural these threads become bombarded with “approval seekersâ€. Raising questions like “is she cheating†or “can you help me solve MY relationship problems. Interesting how we become so desperate we’ll pose a question on an internet forum, relying on someone half way around the world who knows neither the specifics of the relationship, nor the specifics of our individual personalities (or our partner). So we type a paragraph or two, cross our fingers, and make a decision we still most likely will have made regardless of posting the thread in the first place.
Here’s a few basic rules of thumb. At the first hint of disinterest or suspicion of infidelity, PULL BACK. Women despise approval seekers. You posting a thread is only perpetuating that function of your personality. A wise man recently said (and wrote a book about) the saying, “attraction is not a choiceâ€. No amount of bickering, whining, complaining or supplicating will change anyone’s mindset, and is most likely to repel them even further. Relationships diminish your social skills to a degree. Instead of working to gain those skills back, you may naturally, yet sadly want to save it at ANY cost. Some of the issues I’ve read about should not even have been brought into this world as a “decision†but as a “direct actionâ€. She’s pulling away, you NEVER EVER EVER under ANY circumstance, step forward. You never SEEK APPROVAL about the right thing to do. Its like chasing your dog when it gets loose, unless you’ve trained the shit out of it most likely it will run away. And even when it does come back there’s the relief, but a lingering disappointment that you got what you wanted and that your dog was “loyal†but too ****ing weak to do what it really wanted, like run into oncoming traffic.
Ask yourself a few serious questions prior to making your decision. First, if there was no such thing as a romance movie or novel how would that change your overall perspective. Where did you learn to love? You weren’t born knowing how to love. You learned it from your environment, and a lot of times a lot of what society believes is love is simply what they learned from movies or books. Because how else can we teach society? Start teaching love in school? (some places may scratch the surface, but ultimately that would ruin the true essence of love) So examine you own personal beliefs, be sure to have as few ideals as possible. Idealistic love is the product of social conditioning, social conditioning is realer than a heart attack, but the source of social conditioning is often illusive, idealistic or completely non-existent.
The fact is relationships are very comparable to business economics. Both partners are trading different forms of currencies to suit their needs. But the ultimate and most valuable currency in any relationship is self esteem. When two partners decide to become an “item†their self-esteems will merge into the same tank. So depending on the amount of self-esteem your partner has, that’s exactly how much your own self-esteem will increase when your with them. This is why when you first meet someone you actually feel like a different person, happier and (as some narcissist’s would like to dispute) more confident.
Other forms of currency are social value/status, sexual favors, protection, financial benefits, time, freedom, (ie: a good looking woman may pay a rich man time, freedom, and sexual favors in turn for his financial benefits, and social recognition) The specific currencies we value determine the mate we ultimately choose.
I can turn any relationship into a map of currency exchange (and sometimes people will refuse the idea because of their social conditioning) but w/e the case your paying your partner something to gain something in return, as much as you’d like to believe otherwise (Its ok, those are the romance movies thinking for you, I won’t be offended) that’s exactly the case.
But the main point of this thread is to point out that as much as you fumble around and debate the “right thing to do†there are LOTS of people out there who won’t give it a second thought and know the EXACT right thing to do in your situation. As obvious as the answer is to them it is to you to, you just are insecure about yourself therefore insecure about the decision.
Self-esteem is what delays decision, if you find yourself a very indecisive person, it’s a tell-tale sign of your insecurity. Secure people are secure within their decisions, trust themselves, and have faith that things will work out for the best. The only way you gain self-esteem is to conquer fears. If you have a fear of getting your heart broke and devote your life to avoid that, you’ll always be insecure in relationships.
So I’ll end on this note, before you post that thread, I assure you, you know exactly what you should do. Don’t complicate things. Ask yourself what would your ideal self do in that situation? And miraculously the answer will come, unless your ideal self is a squirrel or some shit.
And I should note, this thread wasn’t made to belittle or offend ANYONE. I genuinely care about my fellow man and I don’t profess to be anything more than what I am, I just hate to see people make things so hard on themselves, or fumble around and **** up the most obvious thing in the world.
And I’ll end with a favorite quote:
If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back its yours,
If it doesn’t, it never really was in the first place.
~RC
Originally Posted by WEBB
