Hello,
I am new here. I have never posted on another forum before, except for a forum called "itstherock.com" which was about 7 years ago. That place is gone now...I miss it...I made a lot of IRL friends on that board. I hope to find the same thing here (which I should, as the number of users here is insane!).
History:
I was an avid lifter from 1994 to 2000, training for 4-5 years naturally, before working my way through 3 good cycles. In 2001 I got in some legal trouble for fighting, was placed on probation, ****ed off my probation 4 times, and decided to kill it off by going to prison instead. Fun stuff...I went to prison in Arizona, where, you guessed it, THERE ARE NO WEIGHTS. Once in prison, I fell into a deep depression, and did nothing but lay in bed for 2 years wasting away.
When I got out, I was in an even deeper depression, and I let my body go even more. I went to various VA doctors (I am a vet), and they didn't do shit for me. So I went to a private doctor, and had my fun with scripts of Adderall and Desoxyn (totally becoming catabolic, and watching the last of my muscle turn into dust).
Since then, I've been drinking myself into oblivon. Somehow, I managed to find a good chick, and married her on the 4th of July of this year. Still, I am unhappy. I've known the answer as to why I was unhappy for, oh, just as long as my body and health have wasted away, and finally, 2 weeks ago, I put together a home gym. When I say "home gym", I mean, REAL free weights...olympic plates, squat rack, bench, etc.
Anyway, this is my second week of lifting, and let me tell you, I have never been so ****ing sore/crippled. I am lifting like my life depends on it, and have been throwing up ocassionally, and shaking like a leaf during certain lifts (dumbell fly's, and bb bench have got me thinking I am epileptic).
I really could use some inspiration from any bros that have been huge before, and pissed it all away. Naturally, I desire gear, but at this time, I do not think it is a good idea.
I find myself getting lamed, at how tired I get, and how little weight I am using. I am only getting to 3 sets max, and then, only 2-4 reps on the last set, before I want to lay there gasping, grabbing around blindly for an oxygen mask or something.
In particular, I find myself wondering about "Muscle Memory", and if it even exists, because my muscle sure as **** don't feel as if they are remembering anything. My bicep/back day was 4 days ago...I finished up a 4th set of preacher curls, and my arms felt ****ing huge, but when I flexed in the mirror, they sure as **** weren't even CLOSE to how big they felt. There is nothing like feeling big, then looking in the mirror, and seeing a disgusting, wasted away freak, with gyno, and female pattern fat storage.
I am not trying to bitch, or depress anyone...if anything, I should be estatic that I am on the road to making my body as it once was. I am simply looking for moral support, from ANYONE who has been through what I have.
I am 32 now, 5'11", 230...and my worthless Tanita BF scale is telling me I am around 600% BF. I've always been a fast gainer, but lately, I have been having dreams of a triumphant future mixed with thoughts of "jerking the wheel". One thing is certain...I learn from my mistakes, and I will not stop lifting again for any reason short of death.
I am glad to be here.
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Originally Posted by santan1234
