Need to get some shit off my chest.

[Bojangles69]

I know this isn't exactly the type of crap you go public with but shit happens, and as much as I've tried to help other guys on this board with their issues all I ask is that people don't be judgmental.

Sometimes people may seem all happy go lucky, and they may even think they're happy.. until somethings go awry and you find yourself wondering what the fvck happened with your life.

I had been taking benzo's for quite some time for specific reasons and in the last few months I started taking wayy more than prescribed.
To make a long story short a couple weeks ago a sequence of events, just a bunch of little things gone wrong in a short span of time kinda led to me having a nervous breakdown.

I came home from class 11 days ago (fri) at about 9:45am and it wasn't like I had the thought "I wanna die" I'm not sure if I was or am even depressed. But I wound up trying to kill myself by swallowing about 20 xanax and 1500mg phenobarbital.
I woke up from a black out to my brother shaking me covered in my own vomit and was rushed to the ER where I blacked out again and got my stomach pumped.

Afterwards I was admitted to a dual diagnosis psych ward/detox facility (Carrier Clinic) where I was locked up for 10 days (as much insurance would cover). I met some VERY interesting people. Schizophrenics, bi-polar schizo-affected people, depressed people, just basically a bunch of fvcked up people living together.

People know I've done time before but this was NOTHING like that. This really affected my mind. I can't get the faces of the people I met out of my head, or the stories they had, or just generally how bad I felt for most of them. I met 2 beautiful girls. One didn't smile the entire 10 days I saw her. Its like her face muscles didn't work at all, but she was sooo smart, so intelligent, so much going for her, but she had been there for 2 months and was getting committed to a state hospital for paranoid schizophrenia and depression. Another gorgeous girl who was 24, came home from work and tried to use her car in her garage to poison herself to death with carbon monoxide.

This hilarious outgoing guy who had no problem smiling and having a great time.. and than you hear his story and see his scars.
Tried to use an ash tray to hammer a 5 inch nail under his breast plate and upwards into his heart. The nail went under the skin and never pierced it. So he breaks the ash tray and slices both of his wrists.

They were NOT hesitation marks. I almost vomited when I saw the stitched slices on his wrist cause you could see how deep he tried to cut and how he had cut right through the veins.
But you talk to these people and some of them come off so normal. Others aren't as lucky and you can't help wonder how the hell its ethical to keep someone alive in a psych ward for the last 10 years because they have an extreme case of bipolar disorder, I mean EXTREME.
I studied abnormal psych in school but I NEVER saw someone veer between such intense emotional swings before. Lau***ng at everything, manic, hyper, no sleep for 2 days straight, than on the floor crying and screaming for another 2 days, wanting nothing but to die.

My mind is lost.

I did manage to make friends with 2 females and the weird part is I NEVER felt so close to a woman in my life. I never had bonded with any one like I had with these 2.
I don't have a sister but I realized for the first time in my life what it would be like to actually have one. I saw this raw human element in the both of them that just affected me in a weird way. I've been dumped by girlfriends before and wasn't as sad as when I had to leave these 2.
I just saw this whole other side to life and it was scary.

I can't make sense out of anything. I've withdrawn from classes for the semester. I'm in therapy and everything but I still feel weird.

I'm moving out tomorrow and I really don't want to. I'm gonna miss the shit out of my 2 dogs, and my parents. I'm not being kicked out but this is what we've all decided on. So I'm not trying to go back on my word.

I walk around and find myself completely zoning out and imagining the faces of the people I met. I'm just really confused right now. Like a couple months ago I could have sworn everything in my life was perfect. And I'm not even sure what motivated me. Its like just one big massive "fvck it". Your value for life is just blown away into the wind one day. It really seems that random.
And your not really sure why. It just happens.

I just had to get this crap off my chest I guess.
Its been a real messed up past couple weeks. I'm usually the cool and composed one who knows exactly what he wants from life but its literally like one day I just woke up and all that had changed.

[AandF6969]

Stay strong brother... you gotta keep your head up through the tough times. Just remember that each day is a new day, a new opportunity to turn things around and be the person you want to be. The sun will rise tomorrow.

[Renesis]

Damn man im sorry to hear that, but at the same time kinda impressed that you are taking steps in the right direction to try and help yourself out with therapy and all. I hope everything works out for you with you moving out and all. Stay strong and then you can go back to living the way you want to.

[taiboxa]

prayers be with ya homeskillet
just find a good past time to ease the pain like HALO3!

[scubadoo]

hang in there bro...

I dont have any advice.. your situation is over my head.. I wish you all the best....

[bulldawg_28]

**** man! I had no idea how serious your sitaution was. I wish I can offer some advice, but I honestly don't know what to tell you, except that I KNOW you'll pull through. Good luck brotha.

[juicejunkie2]

Wow man .. glad you were found by your bro man. I'm sure it's been tough .. can't say I know how you feel but I do know that you're a tough sob and I know you'll make it through these hard times. I'm hoping you have a good support system around you to help .. if not then hit up anyone of us for anything and we'll do our best to help. I'm also glad to see that you're seeking therapy... keep it up.

[5ifthCitizen]

i wouldnt have expected this to happen to you man. but it seems like you didn't expect it either and i will admit ive suffered from some similar stuff. we all appreciate having you on this board and we're glad u ended up ok. you will get through it.

[number twelve]

damn dude this is horrible to hear i didnt know you were goin through this. i know i dont know you personally but you seem like a good guy and i know youll be able to get through this..like someone else said, keep your head up.

12

[NotSmall]

Hang in there, things WILL get better.

[malidfa]

stay strong bro good luck

[novastepp]

It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for Christ's sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if your are not going to enjoy the ride. And you know what... when you least expect it something great might come along. Something better then you even planned for.

[peteroy01]

cant nobody hold you back, cant nobody hold you down, O no, you got 2 keep on movin!

[zipster_dude]

^^^^^^^^^^^Exactly,,,life is what happens when your making plans...take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest...There are a lot of people (male and female) who are just like the people you met that are living in the world and just one mistake away from where the two girls are...

Use this experience to help others in the same boat...

Good luck and God speed!

Zip

[WEBB]

i know there is nothing i can say that will magically fix the way you feel....just stay strong and when you need to vent come here we will all listen and offer advice and just listen.....things will get better....

[lightwaytbaby]

good luck with all brotha...stay strong. life is too good to give up, keep your head up, maybe set a short term goal and achieve this...just to help u get your head on right. again good luck with all bro...hang in there!

[J-Dogg]

It is way easier to give someone advice than take your own.

Look deep inside yourself though and you will find the answers. Separate the emotion from your thoughts and you can come up with clear answers though it does not make it any easier to follow though with those actions.

I’ve lived with someone going though this, it’s not easy. I understand your desire to befriend these 2 girls as well, you can relate and you might feel you can help. You also though may want to think about who you can surround yourself with. You become who you have around you.

Finding something you have passion for (not a girl though) will help your thoughts focus. It’s not something you can just “find” though or rush.

Relax, think strong, NEVER give up and be too stubborn to allow depression.

[Stock]

Stay strong bro...Dont give up, get the help you need.

[Lexed]

Bo you cant leave us you mean so much to us and this board. Where else can I get such great women. Youll be suprised how much you mean to AR. Stay strong Bo now that the worse is gone there is only the best to look up too.

[Amorphic]

good luck with everything, the fact you are taking steps to get better is a huge accomplishment and shows that you do infact have the determination to get through anything. keep it up

[bpm1]

you just described something that happened to me, mine wasnt as long, as i only spent one night in the county mental health place(which was bar none the most horrible experience of my life).benzo's are very scary, they come back to bite you over time.i was on klonapan for yrs at 4 times the normal dose(i dont remember the mg's anymore, as its been 4 yrs since ive been on them).anyway people do alot of bad things while on them and they are a bitch coming off, which causes a whole other chain of events.anyway my heart goes out to you and feel free to pm me if you want. please remember that even though life is very hard/bad right now it will change and there is always light at the end of every tunnel/journey. peace to you bro

[Red Ketchup]

Hey bro hang in there, things always get better with time...

I've been on both sides if that coin...

Many years ago I came within inches of offing myself (failed medical procedure that caused me to be in constant pain + doctors more concerned with covering their asses than helping me + failing relationship = deep deep depression)

Now I'm on the other of that coin... water under the bridge... things got better... I got treatment... I landed the job of my dreams... BUT where things get interesting is that this job is firefighting and we run medical calls.

That has caused me to see first hand the other side of people offing themselves and it was quite a shock. Families in grief, neighbours who barely knew the victim in total shock and grief. People who you would not expect to care being very concerned.

Believe it or not, even the rescuers are shaken up by suicide and suicide attempts. A few weeks ago we had to unhook a guy who had hung himself, one of my partners has been in counseling since.

Most shocking was this young woman who ODed on pills a few months ago... and then changed her mind! She died on the floor inches from her door, reaching for it trying to get help. We found her a week later when a neighbour got worried he had not seen her in a few days and came by the station, we busted the door and well... you can guess the rest.

I used to think that if I killed myself, it affected nobody but me. I mean I'm not stupid, I knew it would sadden my family, but I never expected it could have such an impact on total strangers.

I hope you get better soon bro, and remember that even in your darkest hour, there are some people out there - friends and total strangers - who care and wish you well.

Red

[Raven88]

Damn...I will pray for you. Life can be hard when it happens, but you have a great support group here.

Take care of yourself mate.

[QuieTSToRM33]

As far as the suicide attempt ... you know how I feel about that.

When it comes to bettering yourself .... man up, stay strong, and do what you gotta do in order to improve yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally.

[Merc..]

My prayers are with you !!


Merc.

[canadian meat]

My wife did a internship at a hospital as you describe and I have heard some pretty sad stories.Be strong Bo,youll be fine.

[Tbone1975]

I would like to say that I hope you feel better and that you get better quickly. If I'm off the mark forgive me. Here is what I think. I think........that you need to surround yourself with better people. If you had a good group around you this would not be happening. Sometimes your surrounded with bad people and you don't even know it until you change settings. You'll find that some people will actually care a lot more for you and strive to go that extra mile for ya. They do things for you that others would not. It's kind of like a great employee, or a great athlete. I'd get the hell out of wherever you are once you're done with therapy. Being around "1st Team" people makes a big difference. Also, don't wait for things to happen. Take things into your own hands. Don't believe in fate or destiny. Just get 'er done. You see something you want, grab it. Finally, hobbies are great. Probably not hardcore drugs though LOL. Weights, chicks, sports, movies, beer. My simple advice. Bottom line-GET BETTER

[3bd]

Life is for the living. We're all still living... and so are you. Now get back into the ring my brother. We'll be here to help you up if you fall - count on it.

[D-Bo Dre]

I've witnessed your inspirational advice/thoughts on several occasions on this board as well as had the chance to converse w/ you on a personal level and have to say that your ability to articulate thoughts and philosophical views on life is truly amazing.. Keep your head up Bo.. You've seen the bottom, now its time to rise to the top!

[Merc..]

Keep your head up Bo.. You've seen the bottom, now its time to rise to the top!

^^^^^

Good shit man !!!


Merc.

[Big]

Any time you need to talk man we're here for you, feel free to pm if you need someone to listen.

[Carlos_E]

Bojangles check your PMs.

[crazyhorse666]

I hope things get better for you.

[l2elapse]

I think we as humans are innate in the fact it takes something very drastic for us to change/realize something. You are definitely not alone in the area of depression have I have experienced as million others. I would be thankful of what you learned in there because its probably going to change you for the better for the rest of your life.

[Bojangles69]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who responded. I've been in the course of moving out of my house and haven't been around a computer till today. Than to see that Mavs passed on was one of the most ironic things in the world. God takes life from those who want to live and gives it to those who take it for granted. Thank you all sincerely.

[3bd]

It's only life bojanles, none of us are going to make it out of it alive anyway. So relax and enjoy everyday to it's fullest. It sounds like you're doing better by the tone of your post... good deal.

[BG]

Good luck. The thing in life that has helped me the most is big changes, Im mean everything, start overs. Of course you need to ween yourself off the meds, they are fuc'n the devil. Valuim may be your best bet,ask your doctor. Valuim doesnt have the "mind" altering effects of anti-d's. Shit, after clonipins it took me over a year to get my head straight, well enough that I felt almost normal again. get off the meds,set small goals that you can acheive to keep spirits up and change your life as much as you can....again good luck.