Why I'm stubborn, hard nosed, think I'm always right, always hard on everyone else, closed off some what emotionally.
This is kind of just a vent, because the way I am, I have very few people I could ever express much with. Any feed back is welcome, or anyone with tips, or similar experience chime in.
I grew up, raised by a single mother, raising 4 kids. I think we all think back and can say "wow I had it ruff" and i'm not going to do that. I never felt I had it the worse, at times I thought I did, but deep down, there were people and kids I knew who had it much worse.
My mom went through 4 marriages, and a few boyfriends in my time living with her.
Early in my life until I was about 7, I watched my mom get beat up a lot, guns pulled on her, went through physical abuse myself sticking up for my little brother and trying to protect my sisters. My younger brother, had a speech problem until he was about 10, and he was generally always the target.
I don't think that really had much effect on me, but did on my brother.
I think most of my issues, stem from a mother who I love dearly, but honestly unless she was extreamly drunk, never once told me she loved me. My mom, in time of need had never been there for me, in time of loss, never checked up on me.
I always was reaching out, to other adults, for this and I've just realized it now. I worked for a landlord starting at age 12, and I've always been a hard worker. I HAD to work for everything I wanted to get, it was not be design though. My mom never had the plan in her head, to think "If I make him buy his own cloths, do his own laundry, cook his own food, buy his own food, starting at age 9, it will install work ethic". This happened because she was too involved with her own needs.
So working for this landlord, she paid me really bad. I was making 1-2 dollars an hour until I was 15. It did not matter, because she was always so impressed, with my work ethic, that she praised me. I did not want money, I wanted attention and a pat on the back. Eventually, when i was a young adult and worked to save up money, she took advantage of me, and I realized I was never a son to her, just cheap labor and tool to make money off.
I worked my way up to managment in a restaraunt by 19 then, and the owner really did take me under her wing and treated me well. I saw a lot of things just "black and white" and I think she liked that part about me, but it was a product of my life. I never talked about my feelings, with anyone, her included, girl friends, sister, brother no one, not even drunk, I keep everything inside.
I went through some tuff losses, and tuff times. By 15, my mom was "moving" and there was no room for me, so I was forced out on my own when she sold the house, to get a harley, mustang and move in with her boyfriend while they planned on building a new house. I never asked or recived any financial support, not even $20 for some groceries or to help with a security deposit for an apartment. My mom was not poor at this point, she was a RN making $30 an hour, her husband/boyfriend she lived with was an union master electrician making over 80k a year.
I remember I lived with a girl for 4 years, and things were pretty serious. My brother just moved home from Iraq, and I invited him to stay with us. Eventually, my brother and my girl friend were sleeping together, and that was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. At the time, I already had some deep rooted emtion, just because my little brother was finally home and safe, and I trusted them both.
My mom never once, called to check up on me, was never there for me. One person called me, my boss. She worked for me, gave me some paid leave, a few days but wanted me to take more but because of the way I am, I did not want to sit at home thinking and crying.
Loosing family members was the same, or people close to me. Dealing with failing at anything, no one ever told me it was okay, that it happens, you just start over.
Being raised this way, has made me very hard on girl friends, when they look for sympathy, they get none. There problems don't matter, or are ridiculous to even complain about to me, easy solutions. Every battle, obstical or challenge I feel I have to make work, I have to come out a head, I can never give up I have to prove something. Not everything is bad about this, but there is always a lot of weight o my shoulders, and has been since I've been very young. I've failed at few things, but when i did, no one was ever there to tell me it was okay. In sports, career, school, anything.
For some reason, I've just realized this now, at 28. I never thought about it before either. I always just thought, this is life, this is how it is, and this is what you do. When things are hard, you grind through. I love my mom to death, would never say any of these things to her, because she was simply ignorant and I don't feel she ever intentionally did not care, it was just how she was.
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Originally Posted by tboney
