Originally Posted by
Mintiya
Hi all,
I have noticed an influx lately of people involved in relationships and break-ups with a partner who has diagnosed(or not) BPD. Given that I was a sufferer for many years, I'd like to share some things with you. I don't pretend to know all there is about the disorder nor do I speak for everyone that has it. Some things may be quite similar at the core, but folks with BPD are still individuals, and do things differently. But I did spend years in therapy and around many that have BPD, so I am hoping that maybe some of my words could help you. It took me a long time to be able to admit these truths. I apologize if I offend anyone that suffers from it. BPD is a complex and devastating mental illness, I understand that completely. It is just as devastating for the people in our lives. I would also like to add that I am speaking of those who are NOT working on themselves/being treated.
First things first, I want to tell you -
This is not your fault in the way you think it is
Your (ex)partner and their problems are independent of you. You have nothing to do with the fears of abandonment, specifically. You could hole yourself up in the house, cut off all outside social contact, cater to every bizarre request and demand, and you will still be suspect of abandoning your (ex)partner. It is a deeply ingrained fear.
You cannot be the "special one"
You will not be the magical one to break down their walls. You could be God himself, it doesn't matter. "Maybe if I just give in some more, maybe they just need some more time, maybe they just need some more love, I suppose I don't REALLY need to be speaking to this friend they get jealous over..." No. The effects from such things are effective only momentarily, it's fleeting. Fault will be found and new loopholes of ways for you to possibly abandon them will, too. So as you can see, you're pretty much screwed no matter what you do. The fear is THAT intense and irrational.
The next person is not getting a better deal than you did
It may look peachy and rosy right now. Well, of course it will. Wasn't it for you two in the beginning as well? No, this person doesn't have something you lack. No, you weren't the evil mongrel. No, this new person isn't the magical one(see above). No, your ex didn't change overnight.
A large majority of folks with BPD have difficulty being and staying single. For myself and for many sufferers that I know, it enforces the pre-existing worthless feeling. Being with someone assures them they are likable, lovable, worth something. They do not know how to self-love. But eventually, all the feelings of self-hate rise to the surface and there is no fighting it off, because BPD sufferers are like emotional hemophiliacs.
I am sure the biggest thing noted is failure to take responsibility for their actions. People with BPD are not typically delusional; they also have a sense of morale. But there are several reasons for the lack of responsibility. 1). Black and white thinking = In their world, good people do not do bad things/make mistakes. If they do, this usually shifts them into the BAD PERSON category. A person with BPD cannot simply emotionally bear the thought of being an even worse person than they already think they are. 2). They genuinely do not see anything wrong with what they're doing, as YOU may have been labeled the bad person(or "painted black") by them, and they only feel they are defending/protecting themselves from being hurt even further.
High Functioning vs. Low Functioning
Some will note their s/o has an active social life, holds a steady job and is quite successful. Generally they appear put together and competent. It is the home life that suffers greatly. They're generally well-respected and much of the rage you've experienced at home ONLY takes place there - At home.
While there's many 'shades' of BPD, high-functioning seems to be the one that truly fools people. Outsiders may think you're full of crap about the treatment you're receiving. They don't see what you see. Between the manipulation of your s/o and the negative reinforcement you're getting, you may have come to the conclusion that you're crazy. Or that these things are not what they seem at all. Or worse yet, that you have somehow done something to deserve the physical or emotional abuse.
Low-functioning is more self-explanatory.
There are no 'better of the two'. They are equally damaging. And many with BPD will swing from one to the other. Periods of calmness only mean the abandonment button is not being triggered in an untreated person. There is no magical overnight change. The behaviors are learned and practiced over time; they cannot simply be undone.
Your partner did love you
Sometimes it's easier to believe they never did. After all, what kind of whacky ass display of love is THAT? It is what they know.
Untreated BPD are not capable of sustaining mature adult love. While they have grown up physically and mentally, emotionally they have not. Much like children. So you may be staring at a beautiful, incredibly intelligent and successful 30something woman, but in her heart she is 5. She has not healed from past wounds. Emotionally, she is stuck in that time. She wants a maternal or paternal love, unconditional, never leave no matter what boundaries she tests, no matter how many times she manipulates you to get you to prove your worth, your love, your staying power.
You cannot provide that. You should not HAVE to provide that. If you try, you will lose all sense of the person that you are.
And that is only part of why the break-up is so difficult. I'm betting you felt as if you met your soul-mate, at first.
Understandably so. You were adored. You were placed on a pedestal. You seemed to share so many common interests, were on the same goal path. The sex was possibly amazing. They seemed so completely in tune with your needs. You heard everything your soul has been yearning to hear.
It may have lasted a little while or even a long awhile. But undoubtedly, at some point, it went downhill. You were discovered for what you really are; a flawed human completely capable of abandonment. Maybe you didn't return a text quickly enough; maybe you got frustrated at something they said and hung up the phone; maybe you didn't get back home at the time you said you would.
In the mind of a person with BPD, these are DANGER SIGNALS. These don't convey what you might be trying to communicate - That you're frustrated or busy. They hear "He must have found someone else", "He hung up on me, he hates me. He's going to leave. NO, I will not let him hurt me first, now HE'S gonna feel what I'm feeling", etc, and then come the rages.
Your mind is a whirlwind and all you want to do is make it better; all you want to do is go back in time and fix whatever it was you think you did wrong, and all you want is to bring back that adoring partner.
You hang on everytime you're ready to throw in the towel because you're thrown crumbs; promises of change, promises to stop the name calling or the hitting, promises to stop the insults, the raging. And for awhile, it was probably ok - Because your partner didn't feel safe, and the risk of losing you WAS COMPLETELY REAL THIS TIME.
While the threat sends them into overdrive, they are on their best behavior because they are soothed by your willingness to stay - High off it, if you will. They genuinely mean it when they make those promises - But in their nature without some help, they simply cannot keep them.
If you have finally let go, you've got a lot of healing to do. Many partners of those with BPD will at some point recognize patterns of co-dependency; needing to fix, needing to be the saviour; needing to be needed. Learning about BPD is important; it will help you understand a bit more for then AND what to avoid in the future, but there is such a thing as TOO MUCH. By continuing to intently focus on BPD for the long haul and search for the answers(many of which you will never find), the power is still left in their hands and you are still feeding your co-dependency, indirectly. And if you avoid that issue by focusing on someone else's, believe it or not you will find yourself in the same kinds of relationships you're studying to avoid. You likely sacrificed much of your time and energy in this relationship - You can't take it back, but you certainly can make a promise to devote THAT much time and energy on the person who needs love and tenderness right now - YOU.
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