Am I sick?

[Damienm05]

So, I'm pretty sure the answer is yes. Assuming that's true, it's time we turn the tables and you guys help me become sane again.

Basically, I am addicted to diuretics. This epiphany hit me when I was talking about weight fluctuations in another member's thread. Ever since I got back from a vacation bloated and found out I had to do a photo-shoot the next day, I've been abusing water manipulation techniques. Drinking gallons one day and shutting down all consumption the next while sitting in a 60 minute sauna following a cardio session just to "come in" shredded for a night on the town. I'm not trying to be ironic, I'm serious. I know I'm not overweight. I know I don't need to lose any body fat but I still hate facing the mirror unless I'm at my most gaunt. I will go a couple days without apple cider vinegar shots and dandelion root cocktails but then I plan a night out and the cycle recommences. Saunas, water pills, the whole nine. I've tried just saying, "It's fine, you look good - you used to be fat, no need to treat every day like a photo-shoot" but it doesn't work. I think that because I spent so long "cutting" and then two cycles "bulking" I can't just live without having to alter my body drastically. It's like I need a specific mission to feel relevant. That's the decent part. Here's the horrible part. I've gotten in the habit of eating normal meals more often. It goes hand-in-hand with the diuretic abuse thing. Basically, I'll be out with a friend and eat a normal meal like a burger. Of course, I get sweet potato fries and a whole wheat bun but still, those who know me well tend to be shocked. I've always been anal about my dieting, whether or not I have a specific goal. Anyway, horrible part, yeah: I was able to just write it off initially and go do some extra cardio. Now, I make myself miserable. I stand in front of the mirror scrutinizing my chin asking, "am I getting bloated?" It's sick. I also make myself throw up as much as twice a week when I feel the answer may be, "Yes."

How can I just relax? How can I go back to just being normal?

[Gedtec]

Don't look in the mirror so much and have less expectation on looking good, perhaps compare yourself to someone less slim and be content with yourself.

[JohnnyVegas]

I used to be anorexic after losing 75 pounds, and while I didn't purge in the traditional sense, I would use laxatives after eating something I felt guilty about. I was down around 160 and feeling like crap. I was unhealthy and still felt fat. It took a woman, now my wife, to pull me back from the brink.

I still have body issues. When I am bigger I feel fat. When I am small I feel too skinny. For the first time I am trying to get bigger and keep my bodyfat down. Maybe I will finally be willing to be seen with my shirt off...inside my own home. :-)

I read a good book called The Adonis Complex (I think).

[9za4ck4]

i wouldnt say your sick. just that you have the mindset of a perfectionist. breaking the mindset youve had for so long is just a hard thing to do. im sure if you started takin steps to relaxing you will get to it. you just gotta be able to know when to separate the time when you need to be on top on your game and when you relax. i mean your an extremely smart guy ive read countless posts from you advising people on things. you have more then enough knowledge to be able to "relax" for a bit and then when it comes up to a photo shoot just know its time to get your body shredded again. you just cant let yourself go to much is all. we all know staying in shape is a 24/7 job. but giving yourself a break is always good no need to always put your body through hell.

well thats just my opinion man i hope you get things sorted out. im sure you will

[Sgt. Hartman]

I don't have any advise or experience on how to over come eating disorders or an unnecessary negative self body image, both of which you obviously have.

If you want someone to confirm your suspicions, I would say yes you have some issues if you're abusing diuretics and inducing vomitting twice a week.

I completely understand where you're coming from about feeling useless or irrelevant when you don't have a goal that you're working toward - reaching your goal is really a double-edged sword because maintaining what you've achieved is difficult to do and it seems as though your efforts in maintaining are futile b/c you're not making progress but rather just working your ass off to not regress. I think this is where the unhealthy habits come from - trying to avoid regressing instead of trying to move forward toward a new goal.

I have been struggling with many of these same issues for the last 6 months (maintaining) although not to the same extent. I have set a new personal goal and am looking forward to working toward it. Just having the goal even though I haven't started the new diet or WO program has given me a renewed interest and motivation.

Maybe try setting a new goal, no matter how small and work toward it rather than merely trying to avoid regressing, I guess would be my only advise. Good luck man.

[Damienm05]

I appreciate the replies guys.

Don't get me wrong, I recognize this is a small issue as compared to being overweight or a full-on bulimic and sure, what I do is better than just being complacent and gaining fat. The issue is more long term. What will this do to my Kidneys? To my anti-diuretic hormone? To my psyche should I ever, god forbid, have surgery or something where I can no longer follow my regiment?

[Damienm05]

I don't have any advise or experience on how to over come eating disorders or an unnecessary negative self body image, both of which you obviously have.

If you want someone to confirm your suspicions, I would say yes you have some issues if you're abusing diuretics and inducing vomitting twice a week.

I completely understand where you're coming from about feeling useless or irrelevant when you don't have a goal that you're working toward - reaching your goal is really a double-edged sword because maintaining what you've achieved is difficult to do and it seems as though your efforts in maintaining are futile b/c you're not making progress but rather just working your ass off to not regress. I think this is where the unhealthy habits come from - trying to avoid regressing instead of trying to move forward toward a new goal.

I have been struggling with many of these same issues for the last 6 months (maintaining) although not to the same extent. I have set a new personal goal and am looking forward to working toward it. Just having the goal even though I haven't started the new diet or WO program has given me a renewed interest and motivation.

Maybe try setting a new goal, no matter how small and work toward it rather than merely trying to avoid regressing, I guess would be my only advise. Good luck man.

Thanks man. This actually isn't something I've thought of before and while it will take some time to process, I think you may have hit it on the head. It's my fear of going back to where I came from that's doing this to me. The only way to inhibit it may be to set a new goal in stone and start heading there because I'm clearly having issues standing still.

[SlimmerMe]

Admitting is the first step.

I hope you start to treat yourself like you treat others. You are kind and smart and impart lots of knowledge to help others who you don't even know nor will ever meet. If you could try to look in that mirror as seeing some complete stranger you wish to help in cyberspace and then at that moment, try to direct your counsel to the man in the mirror.

I know you can overcome this. You are worth it. Keep that thought.

[gbrice75]

WOW. I'm pretty sure i'm the one who recommended diuretics to you. I had used them before my trip to Mexico last summer and you had that issue you mentioned above... and now all of this.

Brotha, you're well aware of many of my flaws and problems, I haven't really been aware of any of yours. While i'm glad to see you ARE human, i'm sorry you're suffering through this.

I think I understand what you're going through, at least to some extent. We were both fat. Now we are both ridiculous paranoid about ever going back there. That will sometimes cause unrealistic and irrational ways of looking at things for some people - clearly the 2 of us fall under that. I also spend way too much time in the mirror, but not out of vanity; rather, it's criticizing myself, pinching every little bit of fat, noticing every wrinkle, shit that most people (especially people not in this game) would never notice. Hell, most people tell me I have a GREAT body. My opinion? It's terrible. I'm ashamed of it. That's the truth.

This whole thing is a combination of body dysmorphia and obsessive/compulsive behavior. Some things that have worked for me, albeit temporarily (I haven't beaten this demon yet completely either) - pull out the photo albums and go look at your old fat ass... then go in the mirror, only for a few seconds and look at yourself. Look what you have accomplished. You are in a position where you CAN have a burger. Fvck it. Have regular fries. Have a coke. Do this every night? No. We both know we can NEVER go back to that. When we let our guard down, we get fat. BUT you are at a point (i'm not quite there yet) where you can afford loosening up a tad. You already know how to do this in a controlled manner. Stop playing with the water. Just be you. Let your body take care of itself. You're not training for any bodybuilding comps anytime soon that i'm aware of. We're regular guys who like to enjoy life, eat crappy food now and then, etc. You can do that. You've earned it. Staying ahead of the game is all you need to be concerned with. My .02 - I know you will beat this. I'm with you brotha.

[JohnnyVegas]

^^^^ yes...all of that.

[Damienm05]

WOW. I'm pretty sure i'm the one who recommended diuretics to you. I had used them before my trip to Mexico last summer and you had that issue you mentioned above... and now all of this.
Haha, you recommended water pills but many other guys did as well when I posted that thread regarding my upcoming photo-shoot. I don't blame you. Well, a little.

Brotha, you're well aware of many of my flaws and problems, I haven't really been aware of any of yours. While i'm glad to see you ARE human, i'm sorry you're suffering through this.

I think I understand what you're going through, at least to some extent. We were both fat. Now we are both ridiculous paranoid about ever going back there. That will sometimes cause unrealistic and irrational ways of looking at things for some people - clearly the 2 of us fall under that. I also spend way too much time in the mirror, but not out of vanity; rather, it's criticizing myself, pinching every little bit of fat, noticing every wrinkle, shit that most people (especially people not in this game) would never notice. Hell, most people tell me I have a GREAT body. My opinion? It's terrible. I'm ashamed of it. That's the truth. I'm no different at all. I think my age and athletic background made the initial phase of this life-long process easier and more expedient, however, I assure you, we're in the same mental rut. The diuretic abuse and occasional purging aside, I have pinched myself in the mirror while entertaining negative thoughts for over a year now. I am disgusted by the stretch marks I still bear from gaining 60 lbs. of body fat in a year. I obsess over them. I obsess over everything. The worst part is, I'm already quite lean so I don't have much to look forward to. I can't attribute my lack of quality muscle in certain areas to body fat - the terrible reality that I don't have immaculate genetics for this game is setting in and it's discouraging. I am not ashamed of my body because the compliments I receive give me confidence when walking among the "normies" at the beach. However, I am very self-conscious around guys who've been doing this a long time. My best feature is my broad build and I always feel like the biggest guys in my gym see me take my shirt off after a work out and think to themselves, "That's it? I expected him to be bigger" - obviously they don't care about me and aren't in fact thinking that but it's just how fvcked I am. From one guy with a distorted body image to another, you're looking good these days man.

This whole thing is a combination of body dysmorphia and obsessive/compulsive behavior. Some things that have worked for me, albeit temporarily (I haven't beaten this demon yet completely either) - pull out the photo albums and go look at your old fat ass... then go in the mirror, only for a few seconds and look at yourself. Look what you have accomplished. You are in a position where you CAN have a burger. Fvck it. Have regular fries. Have a coke. Do this every night? No. We both know we can NEVER go back to that. When we let our guard down, we get fat. BUT you are at a point (i'm not quite there yet) where you can afford loosening up a tad. You already know how to do this in a controlled manner. Stop playing with the water. Just be you. Let your body take care of itself. You're not training for any bodybuilding comps anytime soon that i'm aware of. We're regular guys who like to enjoy life, eat crappy food now and then, etc. You can do that. You've earned it. Staying ahead of the game is all you need to be concerned with. My .02 - I know you will beat this. I'm with you brotha. While you've been very eloquent and diplomatic as usual, I've taken a harsh lesson from this. I'm being a major *****. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just stop. I've achieved a lot and if that's not good enough in the dark times, I'm going to break out some of those buried photos. I won't buy diuretics, I won't even consider it. I'm just going to be me and if that's not good enough, too bad. I can't abuse my body just because my mind is abusing itself.

Bold. Thanks for this. I'm truly indebted to you because as I reviewed your post, I realized this can't and won't continue. It's on me.

[Damienm05]

You are kind and smart and impart lots of knowledge to help others who you don't even know nor will ever meet.

So, you're saying you don't wanna go out some time?

Seriously though, thanks for the kind words Slimmer.

[gbrice75]

Bold. Thanks for this. I'm truly indebted to you because as I reviewed your post, I realized this can't and won't continue. It's on me.

Glad to hear this man. We just need to pick it back up sometimes, we all get down. That's why this forum is a great place. It's full of people who are the ONLY people that can understand what we go through (sorry this is getting sappy as fvck but it's true)... we're all bonded by our 'disease' if you will. If I've been able to help you in any way, that makes me feel good. You owe me nothing. You've done plenty already with all of your knowledge you've imparted. Plus, your 'info' post has saved me from getting carpal tunnel a hundred times over! =)

[Damienm05]

Haha, yeah that info post has been a blessing. I initially compiled it for clients with logic of, "If they can understand nutrition, even a little bit, it will make my job easy and I'll look like a way better trainer." The same implementation/result here. Plus, what spurred me to write it up in the first place was when I had a client who was making no progress and blaming me when I knew she was ordering pizza and doing happy hour all the time. Anyway, I thought, how can I convince her to eat better? I thought back to what got me on-track and it was a similar, though less involved, general nutrition post I was shown when I first got here. Eureka, haha. Since then, I have to do a lot less talking.

But yeah, this really is a vital tool in our battle. Well, war I suppose is more apt. "Just when I was thinking, how am I ever gonna get out of this?" I post a thread and a few hours later the thought has shifted to, "Wtf was I thinking? I can do this."

[amcon]

first your responisible for you own actions, you seem to be well at peace with that... now do something about it...

change your friends or change your life style or embrace where you are and live with it till you get really sick and cant reverse the effects... your call and good luck brother

[SlimmerMe]

haha, yeah that info post has been a blessing. I initially compiled it for clients with logic of, "if they can understand nutrition, even a little bit, it will make my job easy and i'll look like a way better trainer." the same implementation/result here. Plus, what spurred me to write it up in the first place was when i had a client who was making no progress and blaming me when i knew she was ordering pizza and doing happy hour all the time. Anyway, i thought, how can i convince her to eat better? I thought back to what got me on-track and it was a similar, though less involved, general nutrition post i was shown when i first got here. Eureka, haha. Since then, i have to do a lot less talking.

But yeah, this really is a vital tool in our battle. Well, war i suppose is more apt. "just when i was thinking, how am i ever gonna get out of this?" i post a thread and a few hours later the thought has shifted to, "wtf was i thinking? I can do this."

magic!

[RaginCajun]

you have a strong mind and can beat this. you did the first step already, admitting you have a problem. you have a support group here to help you through it. and i have no doubt that will fix this soon! good luck!

[Damienm05]

Well it's Day 1 and it's been hard. It's like I've forgotten how to just live. The urge to go chug water by the gallon between classes is strong. I have developed this very anal routine that I must break. Just browsing the board on my iPhone.

[9za4ck4]

routines suck to break, its only a matter of time before its a thing of the past tho.

[Gedtec]

Well it's Day 1 and it's been hard. It's like I've forgotten how to just live. The urge to go chug water by the gallon between classes is strong. I have developed this very anal routine that I must break. Just browsing the board on my iPhone.

Hey don't drink too much water, it is dangerous, a story in the news recently of a lad who over did it with water and suffered a heart attack because his blood became too diluted...

[gbrice75]

Well it's Day 1 and it's been hard. It's like I've forgotten how to just live. The urge to go chug water by the gallon between classes is strong. I have developed this very anal routine that I must break. Just browsing the board on my iPhone.

Chug your water, just don't chug a gallon of it. Moderation brotha, you already know this. You can't cut water out obviously, but you can go back to a healthy intake and still drink it all day long.

[Gedtec]

Well it's Day 1 and it's been hard. It's like I've forgotten how to just live. The urge to go chug water by the gallon between classes is strong. I have developed this very anal routine that I must break. Just browsing the board on my iPhone.

Read up on water intoxication and hyponatremia.

[tbody66]

damien, we are here for you and we do truly understand, certainly more than most you'll meet on a regular basis. I have part of the solution, we should begin having an annual members meeting, like a family reunion, centrally located (KANSAS comes to mind) where we can hang out, eat healthy, compliment each other on how great we all look and share some true life experiences, maybe even have a workout together and develop some personal relationships that last a lifetime (not that they won't already), some extra encouragement from family that lives what you do day in and day out as well.

[GirlyGymRat]

I think you are in a rut. So jump up outta there cuz none of us want to see you stay there!

[Damienm05]

You'll be happy to know that I'm on the mend Ms. Gym Rat. I've had urges to revert but have just been telling myself it's not an option. I'm actually filling out a bit, which is nice. I hadn't realized how flat all that water flushing was making me look.

Also, Kansas!? Move to Miami and I'll be there.

[tbody66]

glad you are on the mend(mentally and emotionally and all that). we're here for you.

[Twist]

Hey bro I caught this late but seems like you are on the right track now. SGT hrt hit it on the head I think. Make sure you have a goal to work for. SOmething small works. Keep your head up and realize that if you go down that road you will end up somewhere so much worse than when you started...

it's amazing you realized you had a problem (because you do/did) and had the balls to come here for help. I commend you for that. Really great to have guys like the ones above (you too slimmer) here to show support. Great community and we are all part of it. This is a really good thread, I'm really happy you made it.

[cerealkiller326]

Damien, I too stumbled upon this late. Sorry to hear what your going through. I too have the same fear of going back to what I was. You and I went to a similar phase and injury and been through some tough sh*t, if you can get out of that you can deff work this through. Small steps bro, its like skating backwards, it takes time, but in the end it'll all work out. (Skating backwards may not the best analogy, lol. Just wanted to incorporate hockey...)

[Damienm05]

Haha, incorporating hockey is always good even if it makes for a mediocre analogy. Thanks for your support brother. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still struggling but I'm implementing impulse control and hopefully soon, I start seeing a more consistent version of myself in the mirror.

Thanks for your support Twist!

[gbrice75]

Glad you're feeling better bro! =)

[scotty51312]

Damien reminds me of my wednesday thursday and friday routine when i was younger Stationed in Florida and went to a club every Friday night. Wednesday i'd drink 2 gal of water thursday i'd drink 2 more gallons durring the day, then i'd take lasiks which is a perscription potassium sparing diuretic on thursday night, stop drinking water, after pissing all night i'd get up and do fasted cardio on friday, with no water and before i went out i'd spend an hour in and out of a sauna wearing a sauna suit, then right before i'd shower and go out I'd hit the weights and do upperbody supersets till i felt i was going to explode from the pumps then it was off to the club. Sometimes i'd do the same routine before a day at the beach on Saturday. GB wrote and interesting thread asking why we do what we do, IMO we all hate ourself to some degree, I hate myself everytime i go out and get drunk and pig out on wings and cheesesticks, then hit IHOP on the way home and i look at myself in the mirror the next day and even though i know my appearance hasn't changed much overnight, I feel disgusted and call myself a disgusting fat ****in pig then I go and spend an hour beating myself on the treadmill for being stupid the night before. To me its a delicate balance between loving and hating yourself and to much of either can be unhealthy.

Thats my silly rant on the subject. I'm glad you're progressing with it bro.

[Damienm05]

I'm glad you contributed Scotty. That's very close to how I was operating indeed.

I'm happy to report that this thread has been super therapeutic. Just admitting the issue and recognizing it was a big help. I've been pretty normal since posting this. I have been doing more cardio to compensate for the lack of neurotic water-shedding techniques but there's nothing unhealthy about that

[gbrice75]

I'm glad you contributed Scotty. That's very close to how I was operating indeed.

I'm happy to report that this thread has been super therapeutic. Just admitting the issue and recognizing it was a big help. I've been pretty normal since posting this. I have been doing more cardio to compensate for the lack of neurotic water-shedding techniques but there's nothing unhealthy about that

^ ^ ^ Congrats man!

[SlimmerMe]

I'm glad you contributed Scotty. That's very close to how I was operating indeed.

I'm happy to report that this thread has been super therapeutic. Just admitting the issue and recognizing it was a big help. I've been pretty normal since posting this. I have been doing more cardio to compensate for the lack of neurotic water-shedding techniques but there's nothing unhealthy about that

Glad to hear this, Damien. Thanks for sharing.

[Damienm05]

Thanks guys/gal. You're the best.

[tbody66]

we need you and appreciate you being here, always a great source of information and inspiration. Keep working through this and know we'll be here for you.

[polarb68111]

we need you and appreciate you being here, always a great source of information and inspiration. Keep working through this and know we'll be here for you.

HERE HERE, stay strong and live life man, dont let your smallest character defects ruin you. Everyone and everything is far from perfect, but accepting who we are and our defects is key to growing mentally, emotionally, and physically.