I apologize in advance for what will be scattered thoughts bordering on rambling.
I have to make the disgusting call today to the vet to put down one of our dogs. We've had her for nearly 15 years. She's a Border Collie mix who we rescued from a shelter when she was only 3 months old.
She was always a great dog. High energy, extremely loving and affectionate, and was always satisfied - never asked for anything but our love. She never caused damage in the house, and I can probably count on 2 hands the times she's had an accident in the house (up until recently anyway). All she ever wanted was to be around us, part of the family. I can happily say that we certainly fulfilled her desire. There's no dog on the planet who has been showered with love and affection more than this one (I know everybody thinks the same).
She's never been sick. I mean, literally, never. In 14+ years, we've never had to take her to the vet for any kind of illness, not even once. I attribute that in part to her genetics (mutts are always generally healthier), and in part to the fact we VERY rarely ever fed her any table food. Whenever we did, it was always meat, sometimes cheese, etc. Never processed foods. I can't stand it when I see people feedings pets Doritos and crap like that. It's animal abuse, but I digress.
She seemed like she was never going to slow down. I remember thinking when she was around 10 years old, "wow, she's OLD! Look at her out there in the yard, still tearing ass like she's a puppy!" She was quite literally the eternal puppy.
About a year and a half ago, we finally noticed her starting to slow down. Nothing crazy, no sickness, she just lost her pep, and you could tell she had minor arthritis in her hips. It was to be expected. At 13 years old, what else could we have expected. We knew we were lucky to have her for that long.
Things started to get really bad over the last year, and particularly the last 3-4 months. We noticed that she was CONSTANTLY pacing back and forth... not fast, just walking back and forth, all day long, inside, outside, didn't matter. I found that odd for a dog who supposedly had bad hips. In my rational, human way of thinking - "If your hips hurt, go lay down!!" To make matters worse, she was starting to crap in the house... here and there at first, then it became daily, then it became twice daily, overnight, etc. With a 1 year old baby running around (not to mention crawling, eating things off the floor, etc), you can understand the health concern. If it were just a matter of having to clean up after her, I'd do it gladly. It's the least I can do after all she's given us.
We brought her to the vet in January for her biannual check up, and expressed our concerns to the vet re: the pacing and defecating. Based on her behavior, the vet believes she has some kind of tumor on her brain (non cancerous) that's affecting her neurologically. That would explain the pacing, and the fact she often walks in circles. She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it; it's what's making her feel 'normal'.
Our vet said it was up to us whether or not we wanted to put her down at this point. She didn't feel our girl was suffering, or in pain, but at the same time, we had to ask ourselves whether her quality of life was good. Our vet said to think of 3 things that she always loved to do. If she could no longer do 2 of them, then she probably isn't living a very quality life. Well, she couldn't do any of the 3 things we thought of. Our vet said she didn't feel we had to do anything immediately, and if we wanted to take a little time, she didn't feel we were being selfish as, again, the dog didn't appear to be in any pain or suffering.
We cried initially, just over the idea of having to lose her. What we feared for many years was finally upon us. We knew we'd call to schedule soon, but it seemed like she still had a good month or two left in her. She still had a healthy appetite, and still wanted to be around - it's not like she was just laying in a bed all day unable to move.
We were thinking about doing it Friday, 3/1 which would at least give me the weekend to recover a bit before having to go back to work and face people. 2 days ago, that small window became much smaller. My wife was at her mother's with my son all day, and I came home from work to find our dog sprawled out (legs split apart) in her own feces. Not the first time I've found her like this, but this time it was evident that she had been like this for several hours. I felt awful. After cleaning everything up, she couldn't even stand, at all. I attributed that to the fact she was stiff and sore from having been in that position for so long. I laid her down on her bed and tried to make her comfortable. By the time we were going to bed, she was able to walk a bit. Very wobbly, but better than before. This morning, she got up to go to the bathroom and was much better (relatively speaking), even able to navigate down some stairs on her own. I was very pleased, and figured we'd be ok with waiting until March 1.
My wife just called me and said she found the dog like that again (not in feces this time)... apparently her legs gave out again. We're pretty much at a point now where she literally cannot stand. I have to be honest with myself and realize that now, I DO feel she's suffering. Keeping her alive any longer would be selfish on our part and not what's best for our girl. So... I made the call this morning, and our vet (who is wonderful) said to just pick a day, whenever we felt was right, even if we called the morning of - she'd make time for us, on her lunch, stay late, whatever. She didn't want us to feel pressured based on her schedule.
My wife is going to keep an eye on her today and we'll play it by ear, but I imagine we only have a few days at best. At this point, if she can last through the weekend, I'd be grateful. I just need a little time to spend and really say goodbye. I'm welling up as I write this now...
All in all, it has been a great journey. It was literally love at first sight, the day we found her. She was the first dog we saw when we walked into the facility, and although we moved on and looked at every other dog there (big place too), I clearly recall bringing that "little white puppy" up over and over again... there was just a spark there. We went back, took her, walked out and the rest was history.
We gave her a great, loving home and her life was always a good one. She was a very satisfied dog. I can say without hesitation though that she gave us so much more than we ever gave her. Unconditional love, comfort... no doubt extended my life as pets do. Watching her wither away over the past year or so (she was always 40lbs her entire life... currently 33) has been very tough to witness... seeing her this way.... her 'sharpness' is gone.... that look in her eyes isn't there anymore... she looks lost in the eyes... a light is out... she's sort of already gone. She's not at all the same dog we came to know and love dearly.
I will love her forever, and will never ever forget her. I literally cannot remember my life without her. It's going to be a very tough adjustment... especially those nights/early mornings when I wake up and for a brief second, everything is 'normal' - then it'll occur to me that she's not down there sleeping on her bed. I know how that stuff goes. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled... it's the special place i'll keep her, forever, near and dear to me. My 2 biggest regrets: 1 - that she won't live long enough for my son to remember her, and 2 - that I failed to back up an old hard drive that eventually crashed. It had TONS of pics and videos of her during her best years, her prime. They're unrecoverable and all we have now are our memories, and some later stuff after she had already slowed down. But, it is what it is. Live and learn.
I will keep you guys posted with how it all goes down. I can't bare the thought of having to be there as she takes her last breath, but I wouldn't miss it for the world... the chance to comfort her in her time of need. It's the least I can do for the free spirit who gave us so much throughout her brief time on this planet.
I know i'm rambling now... I apologize for being long winded but I really needed to get this down on 'paper'. I appreciate you guys reading through. This is the toughest time of my life... I know people have had to deal with worse, so I don't mean to minimize that at all - but I've never really dealt with loss with anybody close... this is a first for me... and it's awful.
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Originally Posted by gbrice75
