Is there anyone Japanese here...?

[thisAngelBites]

Or someone very well acquainted with the etiquette and social norms of Japanese culture?

My son has started playing with a Japanese boy from an ex-pat family at school. They mostly play minecraft online together, so it's not been in person.

The father came up and introduced himself when the two boys were at a birthday party together, and had his son ask me where we lived, saying they wanted to come over. I was surprised they were inviting themselves over, but was welcoming and friendly and said that of course we would love to have them over. They speak so little English that I am sure it is going to be a strain, but I certainly have every intention of being welcoming.

I always thought that Japanese culture was generally such that they did not entertain acquaintances at their house (and that was reserved for closer friends), and in general the culture seems so reserved that I would not have thought that people invite themselves over to other people's houses. So I'm trying to understand what he's thinking.

Perhaps he has read that in the west, people go to people's houses much more than in Japan (and particularly with school children), and he is pleased that his son and my son are starting to be friends and he wants to move things along and he's having a go at what he thinks is the western way. But I have wondered if there is some other Japanese angle to this that I am not getting. Is anyone very knowledgeable about Japanese culture who might share some thoughts?

[lovbyts]

I'm sure it's just a interpretation/language barrier issue and no real easy other way for him to ask as well as you know how direct kids are so he may not have interpreted what his father said 100% Either way I would take it as a complement/honor that they would like to come over.

They are most likely to see what kind of background or status their sons chosen friend comes from. Social status (poor, middle class, high class/rich) is important to Asian culture, especially Japanese. I'm sure they do not want their son socializing to much with someone they may feel is below them economically. Dont be quickly offended if they do decide that is the case, it's just how it is and if their son really wants to play with yours they will find a way and the parents will learn to accept it.

I'm sure it may be a little stressful trying to figure things out with them unless their son is there to interpret the whole time but that means the kids really cant play together during the visit so make sure to give your son a heads up so he knows what to expect.

I'm sure you will want to do a few things to make them feel comfortable like maybe have some Sake (brands may matter) but dont be to quick to offer it up unless it's a dinner occasion and also remember, they probably also want to learn or get accustomed to some of our customs.

If it's a dinner make silverware and chop sticks an option so they have both. I'm sure like most cultures there are a few things that are taboo or can be taken wrong such in Thailand it's considered an insult to point the soles of your feet towards someone or touch the top of their head. You may want to look up what is polite and not for Japanese. I know bowing is not always the right thing to do such as you do not bow to someone who is considered lower class than you such as a maid. Only bow to someone of equal status or greater.

I know I'm not Asian but they say you are what you eat. Yeah I had to go there. lol I hope that helps a little and you get more advice soon.

[thisAngelBites]

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if they want to check us out, which they are more than welcome to do. I wondered if they are trying to make friends, and are under the impression this how things are done here. Maybe they're lonely.

And I did think maybe the kid wasn't translating properly, but he first said "he wants to know where you live (pointing at his father), so we can come and visit you." And so I was doubting that the kid got it SO wrong - his father wanted to know where WE live, not would we like to come to their house. They've been in the UK for nearly a year, and the kid is very clever, and speaks English well now. But who knows.

[Honkey_Kong]

I wouldn't worry too much about being polite to their culture. They're in the UK, so they probably would like to be treated exactly how you would any native Englishman. Just figure it like this: If you were in their country, how would you want them to treat you?

[lovbyts]

I wouldn't worry too much about being polite to their culture. They're in the UK, so they probably would like to be treated exactly how you would any native Englishman. Just figure it like this: If you were in their country, how would you want them to treat you?

Good logic but not necessarily true when it comes to other cultures especially Japanese depending on how old school they are. You can only guess why they moved but culture may not be one of them. Just saying.

I agree though, dont go out of your way to accommodate them but of course try to be respectful to their culture if possible.

Also unfortunatly to many people from the UK or US dont think like you and me and when they go to other countries instead of trying to be respectful to their culture and acting in appropriate manner they tend to act like they are superior, arrogant and can do what they want. I have no pitty for those people when they end up in the local Hilton (jail).

[thisAngelBites]

I wouldn't worry too much about being polite to their culture. They're in the UK, so they probably would like to be treated exactly how you would any native Englishman. Just figure it like this: If you were in their country, how would you want them to treat you?

I'd like to be treated as a foreigner who may not necessarily understand all the social norms, which would be exactly what I was, if I were in Japan.

If someone English asked me where I live bc they want to come over, I'd think they were a boorish twat and would certainly be in no hurry to ever have them over. I'm trying to be kind because technically, this person was rude, but I suspect that was not his intent. And intentions matter.

[lovbyts]

See thats exactly what I mean about things getting lost in translation. Im sure he was not trying to be rude. If he was he would not have even suggested it.

[Honkey_Kong]

See thats exactly what I mean about things getting lost in translation. Im sure he was not trying to be rude. If he was he would not have even suggested it.

He probably just wanted to get to know who his son's becoming friends with. And yeah a lot got lost in translation.

[j3374]

I'm half Japanese- I'll gladly weigh in when I get the chance. Past my bedtime right now.

[thisAngelBites]

I'm half Japanese- I'll gladly weigh in when I get the chance. Past my bedtime right now.

I would love to hear from you about this. Obviously, I've said a couple of times that I am assuming good intent and I told them we would love to have them over - I'm just wondering why they invited themselves over. Presumably they do want to check us out - otherwise they would have invited us to theirs? Thanks in advance.

[j3374]

Hi Angel,

This sounds like a really cool learning cultural opportunity for your kid. It's surprising to me how much the same people are when they can also be from completely different cultures and parts of the world. Some people are sincere and very kind. Others can be shallow or self centered.

To Japanese, it's part of their (our) culture to be accommodating and polite. Traditionally, the Japanese pride themselves in their ability to be a great host. I'm really surprised that they didn't automatically invite your family over to their place. I don't know why they may have come across as inviting themselves over, unless the kids mistranslated. Japanese would be horrified if they thought that they in any way inconvenienced you. It's really humiliating for them if they fail at not showing respect (losing face).

When it comes to hosting, the Japanese also always take their shoes off in the household. This seems weird to many Americans. Maybe they were conscious of the awkwardness of this based on their experience in the UK. Maybe they were concerned with offering a food that wasn't to your liking.

For whatever the reason, It'd be a really grave social error for them to purposefully invite themselves into someone's household without being welcomed. I'm sure they'd be mortified if they understood your concern and confusion about this.

[lovbyts]

Glad you had a chance to jump in j3374.

[thisAngelBites]

Thanks for the comment, j3374.

I did consider that the boy mistranslated, but the father (who seems to speak very little English) nudged the boy, and the boy asked us "Where do you live?" - and then we answered, and the boy carried on with something like "We would like to come to your house."

If the boy was confused, and they were inviting us over, I wonder why he was asking about where we lived instead of asking us over, or telling us where they lived. You see what I mean? They don't need to know where we live in order to have us over - that's why I am doubting the boy mistranslated.

On the other hand, maybe the boy is very curious to come to our house and intentionally mistranslated (being a little cheeky), and his father has no idea...?

They have been in the UK for about a year, as I understand, and the boy's English seems very good. The school is an international school, and when we were looking around it, they made a point of showing us how this boy had been there less than a year and was already fluent in English. He's clearly a very bright boy, not that this guarantees he got the translation right.

There are a lot of people in England who also remove shoes in houses - almost all the Indian people do so. I don't do it, because to my mind, floors serve feet, not the other way around, but I expect to take my shoes off when I go to the home of someone who is Indian.

I did assume the intent was positive - our children play together, and I realised that even if the father intended to invite himself over, it was probably intended to have some sort of polite relationship with us, since his boy and mine are friendly. I immediately responded with a very welcoming comment about how we would love to have them come around. I am sure I will be in the same boat, where I will be wondering what type of food to serve to them, but in spite of whether I get all the details right, they are welcome as far as we are concerned.

We were just wondering about whether it was intentional and accepted to invite yourself to someone's house in some circumstances. It is similar here as it is in the US, where you generally would not invite yourself to someone's house, except possibly in some extreme circumstances (where you might be offering help to someone, etc., and it would be very tentative).

I take you are not of the opinion then that they were trying to come around and size up our living situation?

Hi Angel,

This sounds like a really cool learning cultural opportunity for your kid. It's surprising to me how much the same people are when they can also be from completely different cultures and parts of the world. Some people are sincere and very kind. Others can be shallow or self centered.

To Japanese, it's part of their (our) culture to be accommodating and polite. Traditionally, the Japanese pride themselves in their ability to be a great host. I'm really surprised that they didn't automatically invite your family over to their place. I don't know why they may have come across as inviting themselves over, unless the kids mistranslated. Japanese would be horrified if they thought that they in any way inconvenienced you. It's really humiliating for them if they fail at not showing respect (losing face).

When it comes to hosting, the Japanese also always take their shoes off in the household. This seems weird to many Americans. Maybe they were conscious of the awkwardness of this based on their experience in the UK. Maybe they were concerned with offering a food that wasn't to your liking.

For whatever the reason, It'd be a really grave social error for them to purposefully invite themselves into someone's household without being welcomed. I'm sure they'd be mortified if they understood your concern and confusion about this.

[lovbyts]

The shoe thing is not always just about custom and of course do what you will at your house.

If you go to theirs its likely they wilm have slippers for you.

In our house I have inside shoes/slippers and outside. Part of it is because I spent over $10k having my hardwood floors refinished. LoL

[Hoggage_54]

I am not Japanese, but I have seen Japanese porn and let me tell you, they are into some weird shit.

[RigPig]

I could just imagine what would happen if I decided today was the day I left my shoes on when i got home. Pretty sure the wife would refinish the floor....with me lol. Never been to a house where leaving shoes on was "the norm".

[Euroholic]

I am not Japanese, but I have seen Japanese porn and let me tell you, they are into some weird shit.

Radiation from 2 bombs

[lovbyts]

I am not Japanese, but I have seen Japanese porn and let me tell you, they are into some weird shit.

Got to love the old school octopus/tentacle movies. Do you know why they do that? Most of japan intercourse porn is illegal, that why you see so much blurred out but sex with a made up creature/tentacles is OK to show. lol

OK this is getting off track again. Sorry.

[j3374]

Angel,

the perspective that I have you was a generalization, of course, based on my own experiences. There are always exceptions and people who aren't polite Japanese.

Usually, Japanese have a difficult time accepting compliments (at least on a social level). They tend to extend this to their children. ie... if someone implies that their child is above average intelligence, the socially expected answer would be, "oh, no, Hiroshi was just lucky..." So this surprises me that his parents went out of their way to demonstrate just how intelligent their son was.

Even in a very formal and generally polite culture, you still have all kinds of personalities. Now I'm really curious about this situation.


lovebyts: I love the offbeat and bizarre Japanese humor in their commercials.

[thisAngelBites]

Oh, I didn't mean to give the impression that they had anything to do with my sense of their son as intelligent. I've noticed that my son sometimes mentions comments his friend makes about things that happen in class that seem very analytical for a child his age, and he and my son do maths together, and my son is a couple years ahead in maths, so with that, I get the impression he is a clever boy.

And I think the nudging the boy to talk was just that the father doesn't speak English well at all - my intuition about it was that since the boys played online together a bit the previous week, and the father was aware of it, they had perhaps chatted and he said he wanted to talk to us before they saw us. When they did see us, I think the father nudged the boy to say whatever they had discussed the boy would say. But that's just conjecture. So there wasn't any way in which I think the father was making an issue of his son's intellect.