New Member Saying Hello

[JohnnyBreeze]

Hello Everyone,

I apologize in advance for such a long and meandering read, I just thought it important to be as completely open as I can if I am going to get the help that I need. It's crazy that my very first internet board group was the exact same type as this (bodybuilding / steroid ) back in 1998. Napster was still around back then and I was living on my own for the first time right out of high school. I had pretty bad self body images back then, and even though many very beautiful girls were attracted to me, I couldn't understand why so I pushed most of them away.

Anyway, I being young and stupid, ignored the advice that i should wait until I was older to start using juice and did a few cycles. I was always a kid of science, so I researched incessantly before starting anything, and even found a doctor to monitor me while I was taking everything - again this was in 1998. The internet then was the wild west but I worked my way through it and found suppliers for most of what I wanted and what I couldn't find, I made myself (Cow Finaplix Cartridges into Tren ). When I finally started, I worked my ass off in the gym and had a great diet and the three combined worked - I have to say that it made me feel a lot better about myself - and allowed me to accept what others saw attractive in me - and they were more attracted to me now than ever. Eventually though, even with all the precautions and PCT, I developed a really bad case of gyno which plunged my self esteem back to zero. Luckily, I was able to force my insurance company (with the help of an awesome pro-bono attorney letter) to cover the surgery. Unfortunately it wasn't just a lump, but the tissue had grown across my chest and the surgeon had to do liposuction across my chest. He messed up and excised more from one side than the other, so I was left with a weird looking chest; self esteem no less than zero. After the surgery I tried a couple of times to start a cycle but no matter what I would choose, or how careful I was with adjunctive meds, within a week or two, my nipples would start getting sensitive again. That was the end of my run with steroids .

Now we have to go back even many years before when I was in a horrible accident. When I was younger, I was run over by a truck. Without going into the details, somehow, after spending weeks in the hospital I was able to recover enough to go home in a wheelchair, six weeks later I was on crutches, and another six weeks later, I was walking with a brace. After that, if felt like I had made a full recovery. I could play some sports, run, etc. I didn't have any pain that I didn't think was normal aches and pains.

Fast forward to around my 28th birthday and I had been at a great career for three years making more money than I thought I'd ever make. While driving one day I was involved in a small fender bender and that the beginning of the end. Two weeks later I woke up with the most severe burning pain through the left side of my body that I had ever felt in my life. I though I was dying and could barely make it to call 911. My heart was racing, but with the left side burning I though I was having a stroke, a heart attack, or both. They ran test after test after test, and all came back normal. This went on for the next few years while I was in so much pain I was ready to have a heart attack at any moment. Somehow I kept my job (I won't go into how I did) but even with great insurance, I lost everything I had due to medical bills. I lost most of my savings, my first house that I bought on my own at 26, and whatever self worth I had left.

This horrible pain has gone on another 10 plus years. I went all over the country from "the best" doctor to "the best" doctor. They all found things that they thought they could help by surgery, so in the end I've had almost 10 spine surgeries. Most of my neck is fused and my almost my entire thoracic spine (where your ribs connect) is also fused. I let them destroy my body because I was blinded by pain, and not just any pain either. Before this pain what was a 10 on the 1-10 scale, was now about a 4, and I was at a 9's and 10's all day long every day now. I ballooned from a decent 6'2" 210 all the way up to 315lbs.

This brings me to now and me getting back on the board. I have a great new pain management doctor who looks at all of my body and bloodwork rather than just imaging tests. I've lost almost 100lbs since seeing her , but it was a lot of muscle in addition to fat. My body is disgusting now and being on long term pain medication with the amount of pain and stress that I have been in for so long, has drastically lowered my testosterone causing more pain and other symptoms. She has put me on HRT with just testosterone cypionate 100mg per week, she would also have put me on Deca , but none of the pharmacies anywhere can find it. They could compound it, but it would be way too expensive.

While I can't exercise like most people. I have been starting off with stretches and women's push ups. In my best shape I could do over 100 perfect form pushups and now I can't do even one. I have to do women's push ups, but to hell with it. I've been in so much pain the past decade that I've wished for death more times than I care to think about, so I figure, why not just start exercising? I'll either help or heal my body or i'll die trying. Either way it may be an end to this pain.

I'm looking forward to going back and re-learning what I've forgotten, and learning what's changed or come about over the last 15-20 years. I have to be honest, I am a little scared, but excited as well. I look forward to learning from, and becoming a productive member of this board.

All The Best,
Johnny Breeze

[brazey]

Wow, longest intro ever. Welcome to the Board. With your history, ensure you have your doctor's blessing.

[Charlie67]

Welcome!

[JohnnyBreeze]

Thanks for the welcome. I'm sorry the intro was so long, I just wanted ya'll to know as much about me that pertains to weightlifting and the damage that has been done to my body as possible. That way I get the best help when I need it. I also hope that eventually I'll be able to contribute knowledge to the forum. I'm excited to be here.

[clarky.]

Welcome to the forum.

[Booz]

Wealth of knowledge here,welcome mate.

[JohnnyBreeze]

Sorry, double post by accident. Mods delete this post if you can. Thanks.

[JKW]

Sorry for all you have been through. You will get great advice here. Welcome sir!!

[aflames]

Welcome!