Anal sex, first time ADVICE PLLLZZZZZZ

[t-gunz]

should of came for advice brah... next time lol

[ranging1]

jam it in.

when she screams, then you're in!

convince her to try fisting!!!!!!!!

lol dunno bout fisting

should of came for advice brah... next time lol

i know, next time

[Hazard]

lol dunno bout fisting



i know, next time

Update? How'd it go?

~Haz~

[jbm]

[Dont wanna be old]

I can't believe I looked at every post !

Much more exciting than the morning news .

GO RANGING1 !!!!

[Hazard]

I swear I can smell that thing through the computer......

~Haz~

[ranging1]

OKAY so i FUKKKKKKKKED it


well shouldnt say i fuked it but EVERYTHING today went wrong


ILL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING

first we went out for the night, with couple her work friends for dinner etc, nps

then we left and went back to her house

unfortunatly when we showed up her paresnts were home, so couldnt do anything their

so we just decided to do the usual and park the car somewhere


and this is where it went BADDD

i starting rubbing her up and FML she had her period

i didnt give a shit, i was keen to do the dirtiest deeds

so i told her not to worry about it,

how much blood could their be i thought?

well FUKKKKKK my life, their was alot

still didnt care, just threw a connie on and thrashed away, then pulled out the vibrating condom out for a little fun to warm her up

then the pain came

let me explain what pain

today before i saw my gf i thought id shave my nuts n stuff, unfortunaly my trimmer is fukin broken and cuts me everytime i put it on my nuts or knob,

so i tried trimming my nuts, and what ya know i cut myself 3 times

so i gave up with that

and thought id try the hair removal cream insted for a change

rubbed it on, let it sit for 5mins, all sweet

rubbed it off and what ya know nuts starting hurting little, and really sensitive

so i hoped in the shower, and washed myself and my nuts

used abit of skin wash on my nuts to help wahs off any hair removal cream left

when i hoped out the shower my nuts felt really DRY, and skin was crinkly and irritating

so i thought id put moisturizer on them

rub it on and felt GREAT, i was liek sweet

then after 10 seconds of applying the stuff to my nuts, it started

MY NUTS WERE on fire, it was liek putting them on a hot plate, i was screaming in PAINNNNNNNNN

so i ran to the shower to wash them off again

hoped back out shower and they still were DRY as fuk, and hurting

so i looked through my bathroom cabinet and found skin wash for senstive skin

sweet i thought, rubbed it on, (checked to see if it burnt first) but it felt fine

give it 1 minute from walking out my bathroom and down my stairs and OMG the painnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

ran back up my stairs screaming into my shower and washed myself again


ONLY this time the fukin cream wouldnt come off, and id forgoten to take my socks off when i ran into the shower

so their i am scrubing away in pain, with socks on in the shower

finally i get the cream off and out the shower

since my socks were wet the first step i take out the shower i slip over and land flat first on the base of my spine

FUKKKKKKK it hurt

so i get changed in pain, and find my hairless nuts are sticking to my underwear, and when i pull them apart its like stickytape on my nuts,

fukin hurts

and everytime i touch my nuts with warm fingers its like pinching them, and it KILLED

so not only were my nuts stiking to my undies like sticky tape, but everytime i try to adjust them it hurt, and felt like they were beeing pinched HARD

this lasted for the WHOLE night, i was scared to sit down since my nuts would burn everytime i did

anyways back on track tot he story

here i am screwing my girl friend, blood dripping everywhere since shes on her period

but im just ignoring it

finally after fukin that its time to get in her ass

i lube my fingers and her ass up and start slinding in and out, was a struggle becuase my pinkie could barely fit in thet start

eventually i got 4 fingers in their

Unfortunatly when i pull them out they were covered in blood, yes her clit and flowed liek river down there

so i pulled out my gym towel (my SHAMWOW), cleaned my fingers and tried again, ignoring the blood

after i thought i had streched her enough i pulled my hand out and what do ya know their was more then just blood on their

YUKKKKKKKKKKK

so gym towel again it was

wiped my fingers off

STUPID me, for some reason has a habit of always smelling my fingers after ive cleaned or wiped them

so me being the idiot without realised i SMELLED my fingers

FMLLLLLLLLLLL, that was just off putting

but yet again i was persitant,

so i bent my gf over and got her bum up in the air, stuck the fingers in and then tried my dick

UNfotunataly AGAIN my girlfriends car is very small, so i couldnt angle myself to dogy fuk her in the arse

i feel over in the process and hit my head on the handbrake

OUCHHHHH

but i was still persistant

so i decided to get my gf, to sit in my lap and fuk her ass that way

so i got her in my lap, and i could see blood driping down her leg (very fukin off putting again) but i continued

i could also see some shit stains running along her bumhole ARRRHHHHHHHHH

but i moved on, took me neally 10 minutes to get my dick in,

far out it was fukin tight

and everytime it popped in, her bum would push me back out

and then in the process i went SOFT twice could i was giving up hope

BUT i got in their FINALLY

was in their about 5mins, and my gf was actually liking it,

stupid me for some reason couldnt get over the thought that i had shit on my hand, kept popping into my mind while i was fukin my gfs ass


and this is where it went nasty and ruined it

MY GF suggested i use the vibrating condom ring in her ass

GREAT i thought shes liking this

so i slap the vibrating ring on

again takes me another 10minutes ot get in the bumhole

not becuase it was to tight, but i couldnt feel my dick through all rubber form the condom, huge amounts of lubricant and a vibrating cock ring that made my dik numb

FINALLY i get it in

and she loves it

would have had 3-4 short strokes when i decided to be naughty **** and shove the whole thing in their nice and hard

so i go

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 small slides

and them WAMMMMM

big stroke deep in their

once i hit the end i think the vibrating condom mad emy dick tickle her to deep

and FARTTTTTTTTTT

my girl friend rips this huge fart, and my dik comes flying out and she falls forward


UNFORTUNATLTY my dik didnt come out alone


my gf shit herself, and not the turd type, the mash potato type







soooooooo the scene???


my girlfriend face first ontop of the handbrake with her but facing me in the sky, with shit stains running down it


and their i was

sitting in the middle of the back seat

legs spread, blood and shit on my hands, and a spray of poop and blood running down my chest and cheeks


and a BIG PILE of mash potato in my lap, with a a carrot stick (top forskin part of my dik) poking out the pile



and it smelt like pumkin soup









FMMMMLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



and here i am now 2 hours later on my comp after being in the shower for the last hour telling yous how it went



worst moment of my life

[Mooseman33]

that was the single greates post i have ever read.

i am crying now, what in the sam hell is wrong with you...

this will be in the hall of shame...

Ranging1, u are fvking the best.....

ur new nickname from this day forward is: shitz...

[FranciscoG]

I vote for post of the day. LOL, OMG.

[D7M]

Post of the day? If that's a true story, then that's close to post of the year!

I wasn't going to read it all, but glad I did now.

[ranging1]

Post of the day? If that's a true story, then that's close to post of the year!

I wasn't going to read it all, but glad I did now.

yes unfortunaly its true

what makes it worse is ive SKIPPED a few extra things that have also gone wrong today

but i think ive fed yous all enough

what really suks atm, is my dik after 1 hour of scrubing still smells like fukin pumpkin

plus underneath my finger nails i cant get rid of the smell

ARRRRHHH

IF you wanna know what else went wrong also today im happy to tell you that aswell

JUST wasnt my day

[Hazard]

I vote we change his title to "Loves mashed potato shitz" - LMFAO!

~Haz~

[Mooseman33]

Ranging1 - tell the rest...

have to hear more Shitz.......

[scerpico22]

ive been away from the forum for quite a few months...I am really busy with work these days but decide to peak my head in juuuuuust to take a look at whats goin on. See a post that deals with anal and first time....see 4 pages figured i read the first few posts then head to the end to see if dude actually pulled this off...and holy $hit was that the single funniest story/post I have read.

Classic and 2x's the new name SHITZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bravo...Bravo...

[FranciscoG]

Ranging1 - tell the rest...

have to hear more Shitz.......

+2, this is a great shitty post.

[DSM4Life]

[kalspic]

and tell us the rest of the story

[calgarian]

i cant stop laughing man..........

but the worst thing is no body told u to PM me why u think I have a reputation of anal expert??????

[redz]

That is brutal! I am guessing you arent going to be doing it again? If you do try again make sure you do it after she showers and doesnt have a rectum full of mashed potatoe shit. Awesome post, people at work are looking over at me because of my laughing.

[Indymuscleguy]

I am without words!

[Mooseman33]

her car must be fvking nasty now....

[calgarian]

her car must be fvking nasty now....

bloody and shitty..............lets see what explanation she comes up with when her parents ask..........

[redz]

Hopefully it wasnt a light colored cloth interior.

[Mooseman33]

ranging1, they have something called hotels man...

[yungone501]

Holy mashed potato shit! What a read.

[powerliftmike]

Holy ****ing hell bro!!! That is some of the grossest shit ever!! literally!

If she is your gf why didnt you just wait til you:

a) had a bed instead of a small honda
b) get her to shit and shower first
c) get off her period
d) wait til your balls healed


?????? I got to give you props on your persistence, I would have lost my erection for sure with the smell of shit, blood, and fecal matter everywhere...damn man.

[yungone501]

(still gagging)

[spywizard]

this thread is officially identified as a classic and one that will go down in history as one in a million..

Funny thing is reading about the event and he keeps saying it was her fault, but he's the one that shoved it violently into an orifice that was designed to do one thing.. push things out of the body..

hahaha, should have had a better handle on her hips.. oh man now i'm getting a mental picture.. dang.

[bjpennnn]

this is quality, the force is strong with you young jedi.

[DangerDave]

Holy mash potato shit!!!!

That is the craziest shit I have ever heard!!!

Ranging you're really one persistent motherfu&%er. I cant believe you got past the blood dude!

please leave your poor balls alone, mine went back into my body just reading that. And man I hope you and your lady get past this, nothing says awkward like 'I shat and bled on you from my various orifices!'

Best of luck mate

[Mooseman33]

good thing u werent at her house...
how the hell do u explain to her parents that she shit and bleed all over the floor/bed...

i just cant picture ur big ass in a small honda messing with bottles of lube, vibrating cock whatever the hell u had, a sham wow....
what a fvking hoot..

shitz, u are one crazy sob

[Necrosaro]

I couldn't stop laughing just because you kept going and thinking things could not get any worse and then really felt sorry for you just because I had to feel sorry for you.

[FranciscoG]

and tell us the rest of the story

For the love of Christ NO PICS NO PICS NOOOOOOOOOOO.

[bjpennnn]

For the love of Christ NO PICS NO PICS NOOOOOOOOOOO.

lolll seriously, I just read this to my gf. And she is liek "you better not be talking about our sex life on there"!

[Necrosaro]

Bjpenn is in the doghouse now :P

[Hazard]

lolll seriously, I just read this to my gf. And she is liek "you better not be talking about our sex life on there"!

LMFAO! Exactly what mine would say.....

I don't read all these dreadful anal pooping stories to mine because I don't want to give her a reason not to doit LOL

~Haz~

[MONEY AND MASS]

Hey thats mine!!!

[Deltasaurus]

WOW THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yeah this is epic post ahahhahahah bwahahahahahh

[spywizard]

I read it to my wife toooo hahahahahaahh

[MONEY AND MASS]

And i read the shitty post and all i think about is getting pulled over with all that shit and blood in the car... that would be fvkked up