The George Carlin quote thread.

[Atomini]

So, people liked when I was spamming Carlin quotes back in that 'STEROIDS ARE FOR PUSSIES' thread. Let's make this the official George Carlin quote thread. I'll keep posting new quotes as I find them, and everyone should join in as well. I'll try not to post ones that I already posted. Here we go, starting off with a few:

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.

[Amorphic]

Carlin is a genius

[Big]

Great, keep 'em coming....

[J*U*icEd]

i love the quote about coincidence and irony.. that shit is funny

[Atomini]

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to **** in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. ****ing is legal. Why isn't selling ****ing legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!

Baseball is a 19th century pastoral game; football is a 20th century technological struggle.

[Atomini]

You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

[StoneGRMI]

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

Haha yep. My ex gf would ask me to make her an omelet and I would say "Do you mean a chicken abortion sandwich?". She hated that. F her.

[Atomini]

Haha yep. My ex gf would ask me to make her an omelet and I would say "Do you mean a chicken abortion sandwich?". She hated that. F her.

LOL!!

[dupa95]

"You know what you don't hear people talk about much anymore PVSSY FARTS!"

[dupa95]

"things i hate 50 year old guys with the name of SKIP"

[Atomini]

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?

I can't wait until the Middle East really explodes. Ancient hatred and modern weapons. My kind of show, man!

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

[dupa95]

"you know what america does the best bomb brown people"

[Atomini]

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! "Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along... Woah, look at that maniac go!"

[Atomini]

"you know what america does the best bomb brown people"

lol, I loved that skit.

[Atomini]

Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince...what a crock of shit, get a ****in' last name, would you please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting...it's not bad enough the music sucks but with no last name you can't find out where they live to throw a ****in' bomb through their window.

You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big ****ing hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon. They all said "try to live together peacefully". BAM! Right in the ****in' head. Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy sitting around thinking up ways to kill each other.

[dupa95]

Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince...what a crock of shit, get a ****in' last name, would you please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting...it's not bad enough the music sucks but with no last name you can't find out where they live to throw a ****in' bomb through their window.

You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big ****ing hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon. They all said "try to live together peacefully". BAM! Right in the ****in' head. Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy sitting around thinking up ways to kill each other.

N I C E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Atomini]

Whoever coined the term "Let the Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

[Atomini]

Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow-death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried, butter-dipped in prok fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise, soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. Americans will eat anything. Anything. ANYTHING. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them! Especially if you were to dip them in butter and put a little salsa on them! This country is big-time pig time. Forget Star-Spangled Banner. You know what the national anthem of this country outta be? The Oscar-Meyer Commercial Jingle! And while we're at it, change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Cause everything in this country is king size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the ****ing people!

Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat mother****ers walking around? Big fat mother-****ers! Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and big fat ****ing asses!!! Next time you're in the vicinity of one of these creatures, stand there for a minute and observe. And if you stand there for a minute you'll begin to wonder, "How does this woman take a shit?" How does she shit? And more frightening still, how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field?

[Renesis]

AHAHAHAHA I have seen most of his skits I think a part of my soul has died from listening to him lmfao!!

[Atomini]

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

You ever watch golf on television? It's like watching flies ****.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Wanna help your kids? Leave them the **** alone!!!

**** Mickey Mouse! **** him in the ass with a big rubber dick! And then break it off and beat him with the rest of it! I hope he dies! I do - I hope he goddamn dies! I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten in the soiled baseport of a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants.

[Atomini]

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

**** soccer moms.

Now here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news, every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with councilors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic. 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. We were tough. We were tough.

[Amorphic]

Now here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news, every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with councilors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic. 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. We were tough. We were tough.

lol, that one cracked me up

[Atomini]

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo.

[Atomini]

You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. I love the freedoms that we used to have! I love it when it didn't take a catastrophe to care for one another! I love the fact that we're on camera all the time, from all angles! You can say what you want about America, and I say I love this place. I wouldn't have it any other way, wouldn't live in any other time in history and in any other place.

BUT, say what you want about America, "land of the free, home of the brave," we got some dumbass mother ****ers floatin' around this country! DUMB. ASS. MOTHER. ****ERS!!!! Now obviously this doesn't include this audience, I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive, but for the rest of 'em -- HOLY JUMPIN' ****IN SHITBALLS, DUMBER THAN A SECOND COAT OF PAINT! -- well, they can bury their head in the sand like some goddamn ostrich and go back to sleep!

[Atomini]

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off in Iraq, **** him! If you don't want to get your head cut off, stay the **** in Oklahoma! But if you're going to go into someone else's country carrying a weapon, you better expect some ****ing action!

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

[Atomini]

All day long 24 hours a day nothing but suicides. Must-Die TV! You could get alot of people watching that shit. You'd get alot of people volunteering to be on there, too. Just so their friends can see them on TV. People are ****ing goofy! You'd get alot of volunteers, you'd get all them left over assholes from Let's Make A Deal. They'd be lining up around the block! Pushing each other out of the way, pushing on funny capes and caps and gimp hats and makeup and calling themselves CAPTAIN SUICIDE! Guys would be competing for most unusual method. People would be jumping off of silos, lighting themselves on fire, putting rat poison on a taco, drinking mop and glow stick and moth balls up their ass. You'd probably have some weird **** show up and figure out how to kill himself with dental floss and a stinger missile. People are ****ing goofy!! I bet you could find you a married couple - In this country? Shiit. I'll betcha you could find a married couple in one of them trailer parks or something who'd be perfectly willing to sit in a loveseat and blow each other's heads off with shotguns! While a love song is playing! People are ****in' nuts.

[znak]

"How does this woman take a shit?" How does she shit? And more frightening still, how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole?

I always wondered how they screwed, but I am dying!!!!!

[Atomini]

I always wondered how they screwed, but I am dying!!!!!

He covers that aspect, too:

Standing right next to her, of course, with a plateful of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless ****ing husband, Joe Six-pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle, this guy hasn't seen his dick since the Nixon Administration. And if you stand there and you watch the two of them as they're stuffing their faces, you begin to wonder, "Do these people ****?" Is this man actually capable of ****ing this woman? It doesn't seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they're in that Cirque Du Soleil or something.

[znak]

He covers that aspect, too:

Standing right next to her, of course, with a plateful of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless ****ing husband, Joe Six-pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle, this guy hasn't seen his dick since the Nixon Administration. And if you stand there and you watch the two of them as they're stuffing their faces, you begin to wonder, "Do these people ****?" Is this man actually capable of ****ing this woman? It doesn't seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they're in that Cirque Du Soleil or something.

Yeh, but picture it. Go to Walmart. Pick a couple and imagine them going at it. NFW. How compressable is fat? Or do they have have 14" shlongs? I mean her stomach is sticking out 20", his is sticking out another 20. How the f*** do they do it?

[Atomini]

Yeh, but picture it. Go to Walmart. Pick a couple and imagine them going at it. NFW. How compressable is fat? Or do they have have 14" shlongs? I mean her stomach is sticking out 20", his is sticking out another 20. How the f*** do they do it?

The answer is: they don't. lol

[znak]

The answer is: they don't. lol

Where do they get the fat little rug-rags?

[Atomini]

Where do they get the fat little rug-rags?

George Carlin:

I'm telling you the people in this country -- every one is 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime -- God help us -- in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver me from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Everyone of them has two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family's wearing t-shirts, and everyone of them has got the same t-shirt--"I'm with stupid." Apparently in this country the Stupids are an extended family. Everyone of them in the family has got on a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their back is because their hands have to remain at all times to hold food. Get that food up to the mouth where they can shovel in all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. Another reason for the backpack is these people are gonna buy even more stupid shit. They don't have enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, they gotta buy more. They're going to have to go out to the parking lot and stuff this stuff in their big, fat, ugly oversized SUV that's got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit. And lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly mother****ers to get them home. Stopping, of course, for jelly rolls and fried dough. These people are efficient professional compulsive consumers. They practice at their art. It's their civic duty, consumption. It's the new national pastime. **** baseball. It's consumption. The only true lasting American value that's left--buying things. Buying things, people spending money they don't have on things they don't need. Money they don't have on things they don't need. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that costs $12.50 and they didn't like it when they got at home anyway.



Not too bright folks. Not too ****ing bright.

[goodcents]

^ I thought his last special was so so, seemed to not be with it old age and drugs

[Baron]

What they have bigger dicks? BOMB THEM!

[Atomini]

^ I thought his last special was so so, seemed to not be with it old age and drugs

Oh he's getting bitter with old age, lol. I can't wait for his next special this coming March called It's Bad For Ya.

[Ncogneato]

"Do what you want with the girl, just leave me alone!"

[Atomini]

'Neutering' is the latest euphemism for "I'M GONNA CUT HIS NUTS OFF!!!"

Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say. He used to say "I'm going upstairs and **** your grandmother." Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn't going to lie to a 5 year old.

Tonight's Forcast: dark, It will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

[Atomini]

Here are some more men who oughta be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives. White guys who shave their heads completely bald. They're so ashamed they lost eleven hairs, they try to turn it to some kind of a masculine statement. I say hey, you goofy-lookin' baldy-headed ****! Looks good on black guys, on you it's ugly, repulsive and disgusting. You wanna be bald? Do what I did - wait awhile. In the meantime there's no excuse for runnin' around lookin' like a freshly circumsized dick.

Would someone just put a dick in that guy's mouth please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now if you wanna keep making noise, mother****er, and we can find you that way or you're just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud mother****er and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the **** you're sitting. 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you in the ****ing street where you belong, with your mother! And I'm ****ing her in the asshole every night anyway so **** you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your ****ing kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that you stupid cocksucker? Shut the **** up and get the **** out of here! ... You know? See... You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.

[jerseyboy]

One of my favs cause it's so f'in true about toll booths in Jersey.

"You can't make any gas mileage in New Jersey; you're in a constant state of slowing down! By the time I get to Pennsylvania, I need a ****ing brake job!"

[Atomini]

Our nation was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could kill the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving us a place to take off and drop our atomic bombs on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country oughtta be? "YOU GIVE US A COLOR, WE'LL WIPE IT OUT."