Competing and girlfriends.... this in long but I would appreciate your feedback

Hi guys/girls,

I have been faced with this problem, thought I would turn to you guys for some reflection. It is about my partner and her unwillingness to support me.

Firstly I will give you a bit of background info - I have been with my girl for about 2.5 years, she has a child (that is not mine) and we have had our ups and down. She is 30, I am 23! I like older women,.. always have always will. Anyway... I am a pretty obsessive person... actually lest say extreme, I dont do things by halves.

So naturally when I got off hard drugs (this is like 4 years ago) and picked back up my fitness,.. I loved it. I felt better, it kept me focused, it balanced out my energy. Girls... looked at me more... you know the whole kit and kaboodal. Know I used to get very stressed if I lost size or missed a meal etc.,... about the size thing I got down about it. But I had a bad motorbike accident and I was messed up... and I couldnt do anything about it. IT made me realise that if you are to obsessive about something in an unhealthy way, it get taken away from you. And you learn a lesson.

So I did... I learnt a lesson... but once again I got back into the gym and busted my ass to get where i am today. It made me realise that no matter what happens you keep coming back, gym is now a consistant part of my life. IT just is. It is comparable to breathing and eating, I just have to do it. But now it is not sooo obsessive, but consistant.

Naturally from all this my diet got cleaned up and regular. And that lead to a mate competing,... which lead to me getting right into the sport and the idea of natural competing.

So i dieted down (as a trial run) for a show that my training partner was going in (that finished yesterday).

So you know the feelign hungery, a bit cranky, not feeling social. Now my self and my training partner got lots of negitive shit and stupid questions fromn people we study with.

NOW THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT - My girl is a massage therapist, she used to work in a gym, so she massages certain trainers etc. She kept coming back to me, telling me how unhealthy BB is, and all this constant negitive shit. Saying things like "Darren said why are you even dieting down if you are not competing"? "Dave say BB is a really selfish sport". All this was also mixed with she would get cranky when i was over her house and i was practicing my posing (plus seeing new found shreds/striations is always exciting). NOw all this and I reduced my contact time with negitive forces. So naturally she being one of them I saw less of her(i see it as her fault).

Now... I she got even shittier as i blocked her out, and didnt see her as much. I also spent a lot of time talking to my mate/training partner who I am studying personal training with, as he understood... he was dieting also,... he didnt give me flack.

I explained to her about why I do it. That I love all activity, that all this will help me with my personal training business. That I want to do powerlifting as well. That I like to set hard goals and achieve them. You know real stuff about who I am.

Now this is the really fucked bit - She siad,... i dont car what you say I think you have major self esteem issues... you cant loose size,... you are obsessed. You are the opp of anorexic. ect.etc.

I aM SHOCKED,.. of all the people she should understand me most. And this is what she pulled.... I see all these married people at comps that are supportive and competing. It makes me think fuck her off. IT is not the BB, it is that she just doesnt understand my motavation/motive. I am dumb founded.

Anyone?

I'm sorry. This is a first. I've never heard of a woman COMPLAINING about a man wanting to improve himself. I don't get it, shouldn't she be happier that you're hitting the gym and staying fit. I wish I could help, but I don't know the answer either.

My gf complains that i'm Too big. She also doesn't understand why i keep wanting to get bigger. I can't explain it to her, i just keep telling her i'll eventually get cut and look like the guys in the magazines.(yeah right, i'll bulk forever).

She does like that i care about my body and i'm not just letting myself go. Don't know what to tell you, bro.

If i were you, i would never talk to her again.

Well bro - you NEED to be OBSESSIVE to xcel in MANY things in life.Do you think Michael Jordan was not fanatical about basketball or Joe Montana obsessed with throwing a football?!?!

How about the stock brocker that xcels at making investments. Do you think he's just lucky, or the fact that he spends all his waking hours studying the market.

We are no different as those that I've mentioned. You MUST "get into" whatever you want to xcel at! Why do you think there's only about 3 out of a thousand people that have a REALLY GOOD (like bodybuilders) physique?!?!?

You're either going to have those that support you or those that put you down - for trying to climb out of the basket! . . . People are like crabs. If you put one crab in a basket, you need to cover it because he'll climb out. Put 2 or more in the baket and you won't need a lid - when one trys to climb out the other(s) pull them back in!!

If you can't deal with the negative - get out of the kitchen. I'm in a similar situation. I'm around 6% BF and my partner thinks I look disgusting with all that muscle and veins showing - WTF!!!

xcel

Anything in life is a balancing act. I think dating a thirty year old with a child is a challanging situation in itself. That ,in fact, is how I met my wife. I am successful in business, as a husband (although my wife might disagree at times!!), as a father, and in self preservation (powerlifting for me) but I cannot devote all my time to just one area or nothing would work. You are a young man and if this does not work with her someone else will inevitably come along. Two things you need to consider before you act on this particular situation. One, is this the one. If you feel she is then you might have to compromise some (not all) of your goals to keep her. Two, do you want to spend your young life trying to convince people your goals are right for you or do you want someone to accept you for who you are. Let me tell you from experience (keep in mind I have been married for 10years together for 12) that you do not want to drag this situation out. Her child will begin to form (and probably already has) an affliction for you so make you decision as quick as possible. As always, just my .02.

Oc

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Originally posted by Ocnorb36
Her child will begin to form (and probably already has) an affliction for you so make you decision as quick as possible. As always, just my .02.

Oc

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Well said. I agree, yes that does play on my mind. Makes the situations a lot more messy.

I know all of this stuff,... I just wanted to get it out.

Anyway how do you know if someone is the "the one" ??

As for xcel... I agree... extreme people get things done. I am processing so many business options for my soon to be PT business.

I dont know why I even fell I have to justify myself. I know who I am.

Great advice Ocnorb36. I am 25 and I've had similar issues earlier in my life with drugs and was heavy into AS at one point. As my belief in myself and God became stronger the more I was able to use my mind to control my heart and truly direct my life. You seem to have overcome some major obstacles and your dedication to yourself and to your sport go hand in hand. Any woman should love this because you have qualities of dedication and loyalty that are rare. I'm sure your girl is great and really loves you, but love is different to all people. If she truly feels you and your pain which is what makes you so succesful then she truly loves you. Ultimately everyone is beautiful if we get to know them good enough ,but there are some girls out there who will blow you away with their sensativity, compassion, and devoted strength. This is just my opinion but just imagine some girl out there who will make you 1000000 times stronger just by her love, and that you will never have to question. Does your girl do that? Love comes and goes but true love is eternal which gives us a reason for living. If you give this love to the wrong one then you can miss the right one. The biggest challenge for a person with a big heart is to know when to walk away and say goodbye.
Good luck on whatever you do and give all you got as I'm sure you do in the relationships and in the gym.

BTW Younger women have shorter stories!

Nate_Dog if you have ask yourself "is she the one for me" then she's prolly not, when you find the "one" you will say " i know she is the one for me" there will be no doupt in your mind. I was 21 and i was with a 28 yr old she always tried to pull this im wiser because im older then you bs, i had to let her go, even though i loved her i told her to kick rocks and break bottles. i have no clue what the hell im trying to say, but all fuck it just go with your instincts man that's what they are for.

peace

IT is tough,.. we are both strong and firey people,.. so it makes for a volitile relationship.

First of all, she is right about one thing. 'Extreme' bodybuilding isn't healthy at all and it is a very selfish sport.

If she is/was worried about your health, that is one thing. If she really does not understand who you are and thus why you do what you do, then that's a bigger issue. If she's really just mad that you stopped spending as much time with her as you used to while you were dieting, then that can be fixed. Bottom line is you can be supportive of someone and still not completely understand why they are doing what they are doing. You can even go so far as to not agree with what they are doing but if you love someone, you will still support them. She should have just told you what she felt (in the very beginning) so it was out in the open. As long as you listened to what she was saying and didn't blow her off, she should have actually been helping you...not feeling like you're not spending time with her because you don't love her

Primo -

yes I agree extreme BB is unhealthy,.. we have talked about that. But I am natural as we speak. I am thinking I will stay natural and compete in the naturals in 1 year. So I think that is something she shoudl be happy about.... as I have a large, at the moment unused stock pile,.. if you know what I mean.

Everything else you said i full agree with. If she didnt understand it then fine... I explained it to her as best I could, I think she just didnt want to hear. But to send me negitive crap and energy most of the time, tell me I looked all skinny when I lost all the weight in my face. To call me the opposite of anorexic, and to say I have body image issues. That is just plain and simply fucked up.

Well you have run into one area of bodybuilding that is very very very common amongst couples, particullary those relationships where one person is involved in the sport and the other is not. I have seen many relationships ruined because no one was willing to comprimise. Primo is right professional bodybuilding "extreme bodybuilding" is not healthy, the drugs involved both performance enhancing and recreational are amazing, you probably would never imagine in your wildest dreams (or maybe you would). So if she is concerned for your health then she has legitimate complaint, even if she concerned because your not giving her your attention it is still legitimate, just not as severe.

To be a bodybuilder you have to be obsessive or as I would call it meticulous about diet and training. It's not just bodybuilding its a way of life. Your partner must accept you for who you are, now if your not willing to compromise your relationship is going to fall apart. Maybe you can miss a meal or two, so you can go to the movies with her. Or tell her that you had planned to workout tonight but that instead you would like to do something with her. Put her infront of bodybuilding once and awhile and it will go along way.

When it rolls around to contest preperation try to explain to her that the next 12 weeks are going to be tough, your going to be dieting and as much as you would like to go out and have fun it is important that you get your allotted sleep. Communicate the best you can. Try not to be cranky and go off on every little thing that happens during this time. Take a week off after the show and devote it just to her, no training, no eating correctly, no nothing just her. Dont worry bro your not going to shrink in a week and if your as obsessive as you say you are the rest will do you good.

If your not preparing for a contest then make an exception once in a while and give her what she deserves, your attention.....Good luck

BBing is a lifestyle, that is harder to live if your the only person in the relationship that is a bodybuilder, but some balance is required. You also have to make sure that your time away from gym includes her and she feels appreciated, i suspect it's not so much the time at the gym and dieting, but that she feels like she is second. What works well for example if your going to some kind of family meal and your in contest mode, bring your food w/ you rather than stay home, that type of thing. Make sure you take some time for activities that include her and not the gym.

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Originally posted by Dr. Derek
Well you have run into one area of bodybuilding that is very very very common amongst couples, particullary those relationships where one person is involved in the sport and the other is not. I have seen many relationships ruined because no one was willing to comprimise. Primo is right professional bodybuilding "extreme bodybuilding" is not healthy, the drugs involved both performance enhancing and recreational are amazing, you probably would never imagine in your wildest dreams (or maybe you would). So if she is concerned for your health then she has legitimate complaint, even if she concerned because your not giving her your attention it is still legitimate, just not as severe.

To be a bodybuilder you have to be obsessive or as I would call it meticulous about diet and training. It's not just bodybuilding its a way of life. Your partner must accept you for who you are, now if your not willing to compromise your relationship is going to fall apart. Maybe you can miss a meal or two, so you can go to the movies with her. Or tell her that you had planned to workout tonight but that instead you would like to do something with her. Put her infront of bodybuilding once and awhile and it will go along way.

When it rolls around to contest preperation try to explain to her that the next 12 weeks are going to be tough, your going to be dieting and as much as you would like to go out and have fun it is important that you get your allotted sleep. Communicate the best you can. Try not to be cranky and go off on every little thing that happens during this time. Take a week off after the show and devote it just to her, no training, no eating correctly, no nothing just her. Dont worry bro your not going to shrink in a week and if your as obsessive as you say you are the rest will do you good.

If your not preparing for a contest then make an exception once in a while and give her what she deserves, your attention.....Good luck

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Well said Dr. Phil...I mean Dr. Derek....:D

Some good advise here....


D

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Originally posted by silverfox
but that she feels like she is second.

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SF.....You hit the nail on the head. She will get what she wants if she backs off.

Dr D... once again you show your wisdom on the area of BB. I will do exactly that and devote this week to her.

Thanks guys/girls.... your input is appreciated.

:lift:

Hey Bro i am sory to hear about your problems, luckily me woman also competes so she understands the feelings you get while dieting and knows it is not personal it's just a phase, that all BB and hard dieting athletes go through...i hope all works out well for you as it always does in the end...good luck Bro...XXL

See this is what it comes down to.... her Dad was non existant when she was young, so she has issues around that.

So whenever things present them selves in our relationship that may compromise some of our time together, she will put herself between myself and the activity (eg when i use to write a bit of music). Now my automatic reaction is to give her a passive "fuck you" and pick door #2, not her. I just feel pissed,... she shouldnt try to play herself off against other things.

See we lived together for a while and I found her to damanding so I move out by myself for some head space.

Now the thing that worries me most is next year I will be starting a personal training business (with a partner). I will need to put a lot of ground work in to get things up and runnning, so they are profitable. I get worried that me being rather full on will go nose down bum up iwth the goal to really turn this thing out, but she will be there sabo'in it as it messes with her time.

I am questioning the future of our relationship. She is a great girl, we could have a great future together,.... but is she the one? Not sure? Can I put up with these constant Dad issues? Well not if things dont change and change soon. It makes me wonder if there is another out there for me. Someone that will be a bit more passive and less demanding, someone more in control of there own lives. Someone not looking to me to help them get there shit together.

See I dont mind helping work together and build a future.. but ultimately her life it is NOT my responsibility, it is hers. I am not a fucking magician, I have my on shit going on.

Anyway... I think y'all will be tired of my disfuctional confusion and moaning.

Peace guys/girls.
:lift:

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Originally posted by MIKE_XXL
Hey Bro i am sory to hear about your problems, luckily me woman also competes so she understands the feelings you get while dieting and knows it is not personal it's just a phase, that all BB and hard dieting athletes go through...i hope all works out well for you as it always does in the end...good luck Bro...XXL

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Yes XXL,... I was curious about this... I was going to ask you how your house hold functions when you are both dieting? Do you just blow it off the bad moods...? It sounds like you and your girl are really tight. Congrats, it is really encouraging to see.

Nate

Seriously you will never know if she is the one. I do know that if you guys love each other and are willing to communicate it will work. If she has issues, then you need to make her realize that she needs to deal with them, dont laugh, but maybe through a psychologist. It works bro if you find the right Dr. it will work. You cant just say this is your problem baby, deal with it. Because its your problem as well, your involved in a relationship with her, which apparently means alot to you, or else you would not ask for advice here. Tell her that she needs to deal with the past, either through self outlets or counsiling. Tell her that you empathize with her and that your going to try to support her the best you know how. I know I have been in a relationship with a women that had huge issues with her father, and that sucks but if you love her stick it out and it will be worth it in the end and shes gonna respect you a hell of alot more.

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Originally posted by Nate_Dog
Someone not looking to me to help them get there shit together.

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You can't rely on someone else for that. A little help is one thing, but if one person relies on another for every little thing in life, i don't see how that relationship can ever grow or last. Some independence has to be there with both people

You already know you are going to be busy with your business and you won't be able to give her your undivided attention as often as she wants...you really need to make a decision or at least come to some agreement about how much time you can give her before you start, or else you won't ever be as successful as you could be

And to think... Dr D... people would think you are just a big ass gear munching BB... but underneath,... a big wize owl/teddy bear. I am not joking... good to see. I agree totally... once again very sound advice.

Do you guys ever catch up?.... like Dr D and XXL for a beer and a chat? There is quite a little community here are AR.

Nate, sorry to here about your relationship. I can't really give any advice on this matter cause I don't have long term relationship experiences. But, about the middle of July I met this girl thats a friend of my bestfriends' girlfriend. Anyway we hooked up and shit and we started talking for about 2 months, we weren't technically dating but we were together, you know what I mean. During this time I was dieting again for a show that's coming up this Saturday which I think toopowerful4u is entering in the teens. Well she got annoyed when she wanted me to hang out with her or go out and have drinks or whatever with her and I would say I can't drink I'm dieting for a show and I need my sleep. But I still talked to her everyday on the phone and saw her still. Well, she decided I wasn't paying enough attention to her and started talking to her ex, and what the fuck happened? She fucking got back with him! So, I got mad but didn't try and fight him or anything cause we weren't in a real relationship, but I got really upset and was depressed for like 3 weeks after that. It effected my dieting, training, sleeping, work, everything. I got over it and talk or mess with other girls now but to finish off my story, I had to give up the show cause what she did to me and how depressed and fucked up I felt, and now she's not even with the fucking guy. She fucked up my contest for me and was only with the guy for a month. Anyway, not to bore anyone else, but this lifestyle is tough, just hang in there bro.

Bro, never let anyone fuck with anything that you need/want to do. If I was in your situation I would have dug my claws in deeper and got more pshyced to do the show and finish what I had started.

Mr T.. I am sorry to hear that. But bro it sounds like you are better without her. You need to find someone that will be excited about your competing, support you, but still tell you to pull your head in if you are out of line. Good luck my friend.

You can see why arnold says he blocked everything out when he used to dial in for a show.

:lift:
Nate