http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
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(404): Was going to watch Bolt. ****ed a stranger instead. Details later.
(310): So you didn't like Bolt?
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(773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
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(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream
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(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
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(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
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(949): either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
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(216): Where the **** is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
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(608): Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
(608): Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
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(540): what do you have against ST
(1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
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(404): one word: firstdatebathroomanal
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(214): She wanted to **** you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
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(972): like if someone ****ed a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
(214): I hope to god you are high
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(208): Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
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(732): my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
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(678): He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
(770): I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
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(317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
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(919): Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
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(508): Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
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(201): we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
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(845): I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
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(480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
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(407): please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
(203): How did you manage that?
(860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
(203): lol... jersey girls rock
(734): I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
(913): U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
(636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the **** is wrong with you
(1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
(212): I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
(630): I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
(518): I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
(216): when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
(1-216): damn...impressive bar tab
(216): no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
(954): Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
(1-954): Is this the gay conversation?
(989): Well a couple things dont make sense to me. Like people in wheelchairs that have dirty shoes.
or how asparagus piss is funny in a crowded room but not in the shower
(859): I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
(352): So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
(207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
(516): why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
(305): He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
(636): I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
(732): ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
(281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
(214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping