Depressed? A healthy way out!

[MuscleScience]

Hey brothers and Sisters in Iron.

I want to talk about an uncomfortable topic that is very personal to a lot of us, Depression.

I'll start with my own story. About 3 years ago my life started to unravel in all areas. Personal, professional, financial, family and health, all started to suffer extremely at the same time. I think back and it all revolved around a rather nasty knee injury. I hurt my knee right after I placed top 5 in a physique competition and was training for the big boy NPC show that was coming up. I had to take a lot of time off from the gym during rehab. That's when it seemed like the wheels fell off.

Suddenly I seem to have no direction, no motivation, a shitty outlook on life and it was rubbing off on people around me. I started drinking more than I should have,(which for me is more than a couple drinks a week) put on a lot of weight and lost a ton of muscle. My friends stopped calling and my career tanked. I started having all these weird medical issues, being in the medical field I kinda didn't take them seriously. Lastly, everything I enjoyed in the past I absolutely hated, the gym being one of them.

I was almost resentful of working out, my life has always revolved around fitness. My mental health was terrible, I had zero hope, no optimism and made very poor decisions on almost everything Big or small. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I would like to say that I recognized what was going on and I Did, but I didn't care.

One day I thought to myself that I need to get my shit together. I couldn't figure out where I went wrong until my girlfriend mentioned something to me about how I was when I was working out a lot. That's when a lightbulb went off. I thought back to all the really difficult times in my life and one common theme popped up. Everytime I was in a bad spot, I was not working out consistently. Which, makes perfect sence since I started working out to escape the hurt and frustration that built up from being the poor skinny kid from the country and being picked on for it.

What I did, I got my butt back in the gym and got back on a healthy diet. It was very hard at first. It was easier to eat junk food, watch TV and hide from the world. My right leg was half The size of my left leg, I had this weird foot ulcer that I was going to wound care to treat with no affect, I also had these weird skin lesions that were popping up all over my body. My chronic back injury was the worst it had ever been, thankfully I had discovered Kratom to combat that. There was also a time before I decided to make the change that a day didn't go by that I didn't contemplate killing myself. But once I got back into the gym and started making gains again, my life started to make gains as well.

My sleep and mental health were first to improve. I went from hardly sleeping to great nights of sleep. I went from multiple times a day of suicidal thoughts to once a day to once a week to basically not at all. My foot ulcer started to heal almost immediately and my skin lesions disappeared. My knee pain went from constant knife in the knee pain to mild soreness to nothing at all now. My right leg is also about the same size as my left. My Gut problems also improved, i would feel Gasy and would always feel miserable after I ate, to now I rarely have gas or GI discomfort. My confidence also came back dramatically. I recently saw a friend that I hadn't seen In over a year, before I got back on the horse. She told me I had my old glow about me. She remembers thinking that the last time she saw me that she thought I had pneumonia or something.

Now I know from my medical studies that exercise is the single most effective thing to combat depression and mental illness. But what you don't learn is how fucking hard it is when you just want to die to get into the gym and make those changes. This is very hard for me to talk about, I have wrote this post out 5-6 times now only to delete it each time. My hope is that maybe someone will read this or other here will share a story or experience that will help someone out there. Or maybe spur someone to talk or not feel like they are alone. I shamed myself for being a weak bitch for a large portion of that time. I didn't do a lot of things right at the time.

One thing I must stress, when I finally got my butt in the gym and going. I waited nearly a year to run a cycle again. I hadn't cycled in 3 years up to recently. I wanted to get my diet and training down and my mental capacity sharp. I didn't want AAS to be my crutch past unhealthy habits. I wanted to build my base physically and emotionally speaking first.

To be cont...

[Obs]

Agree fully.
I drank myself to sleep after my wife left with the kids for some other guy.
I was working two jobs, my home was ready to go into foreclosure, I had two serious pending criminal charges, and I was all alone in a farm house in total silence. I was hearing my kids screaming at night even though they weren't there.

I started listening to music, Rob Bailey came on "beast" and I was drunk. I started thinking back about this site and lifting and gear, the way I felt was no longer sad. It all turned to pure unbridled hatred and That turned into drive that literally saved my life.
I bought a s&w m&p .45 for one purpose before that night. I never fired it, I sold it the next day.

Lifting I could play a song like "it ain't the whiskey" by gary allan or "hate me" by blue october and I could pull a hatred and drive off of it to absolutely destroy my workouts.
My drinking was done right there.
I was sickly skinny and truly wanted death. Lifting, having goals, and replacement behavior totally took me out of the spot I was in.
When I stepped forward though, I had decided that was all my pity party was gonna recieve and I stepped fucking hard!
I had nothing, which was good, I had no one to stop me. No one ever will again.

I truly believe this lifestyle can treat addiction just as well as depression.

[Obs]

btw. I still own my home. I am happy as hell and my ex is living with her mother at 31. My criminal charges were reduced to the point I no longer worry, and I work for myself and my business does better every day. My kids see me often and still love their daddy and I will always be there for them, though I will shoot for full custody and I will win yet.

[Quester]

so many words about my experiences come to mind that I wnat to share but I'm afraid because I don't want to admit or I don't want to sort them out. I'm really happy to be here. I'm going to keep typing instead of think about it. People think I'm funny and generally easy going until something happens and then I respond.
I adopted the Steve Mcqueen Avatar because Steve Mcqueen is cool. Nothing ever shakes Steve Mcqueen.
I keep a gun under the nightstand, not for the night but for the morning.
I'm still here. It's been many years. So many years have gone by. They just keep passing and now I'm an old man. Now I'm back in school. The hard parts over. I'm not worried about the future. Right or wrong, every move I make is a chance for growth.
I'm just so happy to have the opportunity to grow. Perhaps it wont pay off the way it would if I was younger? But, maybe it will pay more. Perhaps those who have never been through anything don't have the blessing of perspective? Maybe we are blessed?
vincit qui patitur

[marcus300]

Great thread MS . Not sure how i could describe parts of my journey or if anyone is intetested but let me think about how i could put it in words. Great topic and one what many shy away but my experience you shouldn't.

[AR's King Silabolin]

I dont buy this thread. Ya whiny ass mfs. Everbody goy their things. Its not liferelated. Even Madonna and Robby Williams have the darkest thougts. 100 years ago there were no such thing. Work or stay hungry. Its an sivilisation thing.
What about eating rats in the trenches during ww 1. Guys survived. Depression my ass.
Thoughen up guys. Face the mirror and take it. There is always a lot who are much worse.

[hollowedzeus]

Show some respect sil. For real. That was pretty low bouncing in with that post. These guys are bearing their soul and you say something rude and childish.

Also the last 5 or 6 post if anyone has anything else to contribute please do. I like hearing about this topic and how others overcome their challenges. Respects guys

[hammerheart]

Sil and obs please don't smear your shit in this thread.


About depression, I have been dealing with since my early teens, attempted suicide at 17, it's a problem still today, though it's a different kind of depression.

Might have a lot to say but again idk how to put it in words right now.

I can say though a major turning point happened when I decided to not seek help anymore from others, I firmly believe depression can be fueled by the very need of help itself, it's like a vicious circle.

[Obs]

Sil and obs please don't smear your shit in this thread.


About depression, I have been dealing with since my early teens, attempted suicide at 17, it's a problem still today, though it's a different kind of depression.

Might have a lot to say but again idk how to put it in words right now.

I can say though a major turning point happened when I decided to not seek help anymore from others, I firmly believe depression can be fueled by the very need of help itself, it's like a vicious circle.

I have smeared nothing. I made my contribution to this thread and sil has tried to destroy it. Do not include me in the blame for his actions.

[hammerheart]

I have smeared nothing. I made my contribution to this thread and sil has tried to destroy it. Do not include me in the blame for his actions.

Sorry for being rude, but just take it elsewhere.

[Obs]

Sorry for being rude, but just take it elsewhere.

I am done like I said before. He will continue trolling until he is banned though.
I am happy MS made this thread, this is something I have very much considered posting.

[MuscleScience]

It's fine, everyone deals with their own shit in a different way. My tough guy attitude is what caused me to suffer for so long. Especially for men, mental health issues are misconstrued as mental weakness. Had I been less mentally tough I would have addressed my problems sooner, if that makes sense.

No one escapes life without riding the emotional roller coast up and down. A lot of things that contributed to my deep depression were beyond my control. However because I was such a "tough guy," I thought I could control the situation and steer events to my favor. The harder I tried to control life's events as oppose to letting go of control and learning to adapt. The more things piled on and the less able I was to deal with the flood of events that came my way.

I look at it now much like the gym. I can't control a lot of things. But what i can control such as diet, consistency, determination, focus and discipline, those habits allow me to weather the ups and downs in my training. Those things are hard enough to control, but if I do so. All the little things don't turn into big things because I have set myself up to a situation where I can adapt.

When you don't have healthy habits in any aspect of your life. The stresses of life pick at that weakness until you bend or even break. I take the lessons from bodybuilding and apply them to life. So that Im not perpetually buying a ticket to ride that emotional roller coaster all the time.

[MuscleScience]

btw. I still own my home. I am happy as hell and my ex is living with her mother at 31. My criminal charges were reduced to the point I no longer worry, and I work for myself and my business does better every day. My kids see me often and still love their daddy and I will always be there for them, though I will shoot for full custody and I will win yet.

Thank you for sharing, sometimes when your walking through the muck. It's hard to see the fertile plains just ahead. There where days that all I could think about was how my entire life I did everything right that was expected of me. So how could I be in the situation I was in. Now I'm starting to see more clearly that failure drives success. I will be buying a ranch with relative that actually went through something similar to your situation. We are both country people, been denying the call of the country our entire lives. Now all we can think about is the ranch and business we are opening in conjunction with that.

Great thread MS . Not sure how i could describe parts of my journey or if anyone is intetested but let me think about how i could put it in words. Great topic and one what many shy away but my experience you shouldn't.

I'm interested in hearing whatever you feel like sharing. I was only able to put a fraction of it all up. Baby steps for me. I just hope even someone just reading and thinking about dealing with all this constructively will help in some way.

Sil and obs please don't smear your shit in this thread.


About depression, I have been dealing with since my early teens, attempted suicide at 17, it's a problem still today, though it's a different kind of depression.

Might have a lot to say but again idk how to put it in words right now.

I can say though a major turning point happened when I decided to not seek help anymore from others, I firmly believe depression can be fueled by the very need of help itself, it's like a vicious circle.

Thanks for sharing, ultimately you have to be ready to make that change. I was at a point it in my life where I shut everyone out. I couldn't deal with all the voices from everyone.

[hammerheart]

Thanks for sharing, ultimately you have to be ready to make that change. I was at a point it in my life where I shut everyone out. I couldn't deal with all the voices from everyone.

I never turned anyone away, in fact I experienced isolation since childhood, until young adulthood I blamed it on others, then I just came to realize the problem was with me, as I was lacking care of my own persona, had no love for myself, stopped dreaming about a better life and commenced to build it for real, trained, dieted, subdued negative thoughts into constructive ones, I emerged as a new human being, lost weight, gained muscle, was literally unrecognizable, mind was improved, less brain fog, all the physical symptoms disappeared, even my BP of 150/110 was down to 110/70, energy through the roof, confident like I never have been.

At the end, however, I was prized with low T and an underactive thyroid. That's life I guess.

[NACH3]

This is an outstanding topic, MS! I'm going to share my story as I've just started seeing that 'light' as well! Just have to put it in words! Thx for sharing my story USA little like yours in the pain aspect of things.

I can agree on one major aspect of things though, the gym has definitely been such a positive aspect in my life... just took me a while b4 I thought I could even do it again!

Many people on here know that I had a shot at the MLB draft as a catcher coming out of HS... though I was about to sign my letter of intent to NCState about 2wks into my senior wrestling season I dislocated my shoulder and severely tore my labrum in half and 3 other other places... I just wasn't the same player as I was ever again so I hung em up! I've now had 3 reconstructive surgeries and need a total reverse joint replacement... A few years later I flipped a car 6x into a house(was comatosed for 45+ days 18 of which were ventilated, broke all my L ribs, shattered L heal, broken R scapula)! I bring these two major things up as it I've never really fully grieved in any way just tried shutting it out ... then came the opiates(since 09 it was the last time I used those or any type of rec drugs which I relied heavy on to escape).

So back to not fully recognizing that I've not even grieved any of these things(all things happen for a reason right) yet I've never figured out why until I believe recently. I was such an angry person that I didn't care who I hurt or why just as long as I felt better which was me just lying to myself constantly...it wasn't till I had lost some close people that things started to make sense and I wasn't near a damn gym!

Fast forward to the start of me 'getting it' I joined here in an attempt to get back in the gym, although each day is a struggle with chronic pain(lost 3/4 of my ROM & 90% of my cartledgd and no more soft tissue in shoulder) but I've proved to myself I 'can' do it... however would still venture in and out of depression. I wanted to die... I looked for every reason not to live except what I could do fix the problem...

I made some new goals recently and would love to go back to school and I'm looking into nursing school and or Endocrinology tbh -

Well I just started writing but I know there's more I'm missing or just how miserable I was and I lost all motivation for everything and couldn't give a shit about anything & everything - started seeing a therapist and things started to move in the right direction...

Sorry it's a bit scattered but you get the point - but there's no worst feeling than feeling like that all the time all day everyday and in pain(which I still am daily) but learning to cope with different methods as well!

Edit.... I forgot to mention my splenectomy and 7 ventral hernia repairs that occurred during the car accident... to this day just 6+ months ago it tore open doing heavy Good Mornings and 'Negative' deficit deads & paused stiff legged deads.. I finished the work out not realizing until I went to get a shower and my stomach was ripped wide open.... had surgery 2 days later and was outta the gym again for 4/5+ months, which led to me tearing my R quad also the previous leg w/o we had done... leaving me once again out of the gym for 4+ months lost tons of muscle(which led right up to the competition on here we just had. Also, during that time the depression hit full force once again which led to me being out of work and literally hiding from all the people I knew... it's a viscious medical problem that goes I noticed for many and I'm very happy that things are on the up & up! It can only get better and better that I know!

[diesel101]

I recently just had a good friend take his own life due to depression. He was 39 years old and showed no signs of depression. After his death his family told us that he had been battling with depression for years and none of his friends had any idea about it.
He was a personal trainer,national competitor and very hardcore at living the bodybuilding lifestyle, he was the very last person you would expect to have depression issues.

I guess is what I am trying to say is that those of us that do not have depression issues will never know what it is like to struggle with it like a lot of people do everyday.


I am glad that many of you have overcome it and did not take the path that my friend did.

[NACH3]

I recently just had a good friend take his own life due to depression. He was 39 years old and showed no signs of depression. After his death his family told us that he had been battling with depression for years and none of his friends had any idea about it.
He was a personal trainer,national competitor and very hardcore at living the bodybuilding lifestyle, he was the very last person you would expect to have depression issues.

I guess is what I am trying to say is that those of us that do not have depression issues will never know what it is like to struggle with it like a lot of people do everyday.


I am glad that many of you have overcome it and did not take the path that my friend did.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, diesel! That's the last thing anyone wants to hear about!

[Obs]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, diesel! That's the last thing anyone wants to hear about!

My condolences as well.

[Jphunter]

I dont buy this thread. Ya whiny ass mfs. Everbody goy their things. Its not liferelated. Even Madonna and Robby Williams have the darkest thougts. 100 years ago there were no such thing. Work or stay hungry. Its an sivilisation thing.
What about eating rats in the trenches during ww 1. Guys survived. Depression my ass.
Thoughen up guys. Face the mirror and take it. There is always a lot who are much worse.

Opinions are like assholes , everyone's stinks but yours . To think that your opinion is gospal is pretty nieve . Nobody can fully understand depression but the person suffering thru it . Is it up to the individual to stop feeling sorry for themselves and climb out of the gutter ? Absolutely , but to call bullshit on someone for for admitting that at one point they weren't strong enough to do so says something about ones character , I've come to learn that although I can feel that sometimes people feelings aren't true and unwarranted no one person can tell another that there feeling aren't warranted . Wether you agree or not pick your fellow brothers and sisters up and commend hem for pushing thru there struggle instead of discounting there struggles as bullshit . In short it's easier to call bullshit then it is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and try to understand . this by know means is a derogatory dig on you silibolin , your entitled to believe your own bs just like everyone else : D

[Jphunter]

Rude? It is helpfull. Last thing u need is a whiny mother. U need a foot in your ass. Get your lazy ass to the work. Then eat healthy. Then work at love. Find a girl. Go to the gym. Fix your home.
Then, in the evening u can put your sorry ass in the sofa and cry for an hour and do those thoughts again. But NOT before.

I guess we can chalk this up as tough love sil .... that's some kind of love I guess , take what you can get . Ha

[Jphunter]

Thank you for sharing, sometimes when your walking through the muck. It's hard to see the fertile plains just ahead. There where days that all I could think about was how my entire life I did everything right that was expected of me. So how could I be in the situation I was in. Now I'm starting to see more clearly that failure drives success. I will be buying a ranch with relative that actually went through something similar to your situation. We are both country people, been denying the call of the country our entire lives. Now all we can think about is the ranch and business we are opening in conjunction with that.




I'm interested in hearing whatever you feel like sharing. I was only able to put a fraction of it all up. Baby steps for me. I just hope even someone just reading and thinking about dealing with all this constructively will help in some way.




Thanks for sharing, ultimately you have to be ready to make that change. I was at a point it in my life where I shut everyone out. I couldn't deal with all the voices from everyone.

Sounds like perseverance trumps all . I commend everyone to see there weakness and turn it into sheer drive towards bettering there selves . Positivity breeds greatness .
And we should all strive for greatness.

[Mooseman33]

this is a great thread. I will post shortly.

[MuscleScience]

I recently just had a good friend take his own life due to depression. He was 39 years old and showed no signs of depression. After his death his family told us that he had been battling with depression for years and none of his friends had any idea about it.
He was a personal trainer,national competitor and very hardcore at living the bodybuilding lifestyle, he was the very last person you would expect to have depression issues.

I guess is what I am trying to say is that those of us that do not have depression issues will never know what it is like to struggle with it like a lot of people do everyday.


I am glad that many of you have overcome it and did not take the path that my friend did.

I'm sorry also to hear about your friend. One reason I can't be rude or condescending to other people is you never know what battles they are fighting.
Life is hard enough without someone going out of the way trying to make it worse. Being in medicine, I've seen a lot of a people with no hope. It's a sad feeling, you don't always know what to say to them but I think being understanding goes a long way.

[NACH3]

I'm sorry also to hear about your friend. One reason I can't be rude or condescending to other people is you never know what battles they are fighting.
Life is hard enough without someone going out of the way trying to make it worse. Being in medicine, I've seen a lot of a people with no hope. It's a sad feeling, you don't always know what to say to them but I think being understanding goes a long way.

Very well said, MS... they're are always people out there worse off then yourself... Always try to remember that!

[MuscleScience]

Very well said, MS... they're are always people out there worse off then yourself... Always try to remember that!

It's also why I try not to get sucked into meaningless arguments with people.
I only have so many fucks to give each day. I'm not going to waste them on trivial matters.

[ghettoboyd]

Opinions are like assholes , everyone's stinks but yours . To think that your opinion is gospal is pretty nieve . Nobody can fully understand depression but the person suffering thru it . Is it up to the individual to stop feeling sorry for themselves and climb out of the gutter ? Absolutely , but to call bullshit on someone for for admitting that at one point they weren't strong enough to do so says something about ones character , I've come to learn that although I can feel that sometimes people feelings aren't true and unwarranted no one person can tell another that there feeling aren't warranted . Wether you agree or not pick your fellow brothers and sisters up and commend hem for pushing thru there struggle instead of discounting there struggles as bullshit . In short it's easier to call bullshit then it is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and try to understand . this by know means is a derogatory dig on you silibolin , your entitled to believe your own bs just like everyone else : D

see the thing is about silabolin..... is that hes a fucking asshole hell bent on stirring shit!.. OMG did I just say that out loud! oops...

[ghettoboyd]

this is a great thread MS...id like to share some things but will have to do it this weekend when I have some time...my life is currently in a down swing but my training keeps me focused and pushing forward...respect brother...

[MuscleScience]

this is a great thread MS...id like to share some things but will have to do it this weekend when I have some time...my life is currently in a down swing but my training keeps me focused and pushing forward...respect brother...

Thanks man, keep pushing through it brohemm!

[Jphunter]

It's also why I try not to get sucked into meaningless arguments with people.
I only have so many fucks to give each day. I'm not going to waste them on trivial matters.

My give a fuck has been broke for some toile now : /

[NACH3]

It's also why I try not to get sucked into meaningless arguments with people.
I only have so many fucks to give each day. I'm not going to waste them on trivial matters.

That's a great point... one I am surely working on and have changed dramatically in that department!

[BG]

Im with you guys, training has been one of the biggest positives in my life along with my wife and the salvation that comes through the sacrifice of Jesus.

I fought depression my whole life from childhood, I tried like most to wash it away with drugs and alcohol which we all know just adds fuel to the fire. My dad had left before I was 10, mom pasted when I was 15 and my brother a few days before my 18th. I was evil, a wreck, I had no care for life whether mine or others. I would never even tell the things I have done. I went through a hardcore relationship in my early 20's that when It ended I was very suicidal, I know this will sound funny but I had got a cat for that girlfriend, he hated her, when we broke up he was my man, all I had. We lived all over, hotels, motels, ghetto apartments but he never left my side. I had him until I was 35, I believe he was a blessing from God himself. I was also blessed with a great wife that I tormented for years when I was heavy juicing, when I was competing was the only time training was destructive in my life, I was selfish enough, I didnt need anything else adding to it. After that God came for me, I was about to throw my life away at 37, I was given a second chance, I was "born again" and things have been MUCH better. Im constantly growing as a man and a husband, Im so blessed my wife never left......unbelievable to say the least. But now training has become a great thing in my life, along with many here Kel has shown/guided me in training being healthy and how to keep it going in these later years (after 20+ years your body doesnt want it anymore). Now my diet is #1 with being in shape, not being the biggest I can be or the strongest. Those last two are what make me be selfish, then things go down hill.

Training is great, its a way of life but it cant get in the way of your life. Juice slow and train smart, its a long journey.

[BG]

My give a fuck has been broke for some toile now : /

LOL yup its waste of time and energy. Most likely the other person involved could careless.

[MuscleScience]

Im with you guys, training has been one of the biggest positives in my life along with my wife and the salvation that comes through the sacrifice of Jesus.

I fought depression my whole life from childhood, I tried like most to wash it away with drugs and alcohol which we all know just adds fuel to the fire. My dad had left before I was 10, mom pasted when I was 15 and my brother a few days before my 18th. I was evil, a wreck, I had no care for life whether mine or others. I would never even tell the things I have done. I went through a hardcore relationship in my early 20's that when It ended I was very suicidal, I know this will sound funny but I had got a cat for that girlfriend, he hated her, when we broke up he was my man, all I had. We lived all over, hotels, motels, ghetto apartments but he never left my side. I had him until I was 35, I believe he was a blessing from God himself. I was also blessed with a great wife that I tormented for years when I was heavy juicing, when I was competing was the only time training was destructive in my life, I was selfish enough, I didnt need anything else adding to it. After that God came for me, I was about to throw my life away at 37, I was given a second chance, I was "born again" and things have been MUCH better. Im constantly growing as a man and a husband, Im so blessed my wife never left......unbelievable to say the least. But now training has become a great thing in my life, along with many here Kel has shown/guided me in training being healthy and how to keep it going in these later years (after 20+ years your body doesnt want it anymore). Now my diet is #1 with being in shape, not being the biggest I can be or the strongest. Those last two are what make me be selfish, then things go down hill.

Training is great, its a way of life but it cant get in the way of your life. Juice slow and train smart, its a long journey.

powerful man, one thing I'm working on is getting my spiritual health in order.

That last quote is solid gold. "Juice slow, train smart, it's a long journey."

[Obs]

Im with you guys, training has been one of the biggest positives in my life along with my wife and the salvation that comes through the sacrifice of Jesus.

I fought depression my whole life from childhood, I tried like most to wash it away with drugs and alcohol which we all know just adds fuel to the fire. My dad had left before I was 10, mom pasted when I was 15 and my brother a few days before my 18th. I was evil, a wreck, I had no care for life whether mine or others. I would never even tell the things I have done. I went through a hardcore relationship in my early 20's that when It ended I was very suicidal, I know this will sound funny but I had got a cat for that girlfriend, he hated her, when we broke up he was my man, all I had. We lived all over, hotels, motels, ghetto apartments but he never left my side. I had him until I was 35, I believe he was a blessing from God himself. I was also blessed with a great wife that I tormented for years when I was heavy juicing, when I was competing was the only time training was destructive in my life, I was selfish enough, I didnt need anything else adding to it. After that God came for me, I was about to throw my life away at 37, I was given a second chance, I was "born again" and things have been MUCH better. Im constantly growing as a man and a husband, Im so blessed my wife never left......unbelievable to say the least. But now training has become a great thing in my life, along with many here Kel has shown/guided me in training being healthy and how to keep it going in these later years (after 20+ years your body doesnt want it anymore). Now my diet is #1 with being in shape, not being the biggest I can be or the strongest. Those last two are what make me be selfish, then things go down hill.

Training is great, its a way of life but it cant get in the way of your life. Juice slow and train smart, its a long journey.

Thats a powerful story. Glad to know all that about you, you are very level headed now it would seem.
Good job overcoming your demons!

[Nephets]

Depression can do funny things to you. As shitty as it is, ive come to learn a lot about myself and how broken your thought process can be without even realizing it.

From the outside my life looked perfect. Had a good job, beautiful wife, 4 kids. I had all the toys. Audi, corvette, Harley, 14 rental properties as a second income. On the outside life was grand. I had one tenant that completely destroyed a building. My side business was in jeopardy. The only way I could survive it was to work 15hr days for the next yr. I was exhausted. Spent little time with my family. Diet was shit and I was gaining weight. At the 9 month mark I was very confident I wasn't going to be able to save the business but I had to complete the Reno to have any chance. This was the first time in my whole life I honestly considered suicide. Not the casual way some people describe it in passing but the dirty hows whens and wheres. How could I do it with the least impact to my family etc. Some real dark shit. I learned a lot about myself during that time. It's funny looking back now but my wife watches all the "fat people" shows. The biggest looser, my 600lb life etc. She looked at me once and said why do these people still keep eating when they know it's hurting them. I thought back to my depression and shitty eating and I finally understood them. I said, they are depressed and feel no joy in probably anything they are going to do that day. The chicken wings bring them tematary joy and fuck you for trying to take away the one thing that may bring them joy that day.
Today I'm not great, but I'm considerably better. Business failed, shit got ugly, but I got my head out of my ass long enough to realize that the worst thing that would happen is im going to lose some stuff. I will live, I will have my family and a wife who loves me. I hung on to that for a long time. It helped me when I was going through the shit. Most people have no idea what I have gone through with depression but I am very open about it if someone asks. I think to myself, if I could have those thoughts then maybe the person asking about it does too. I'm sure it would be nice for them to know they are not alone.... even if they think they are.

[MToption2]

one thing I'm working on is getting my spiritual health in order.

Tripping balls didn't work for me. Instead of a shortcut through my spiritual path, it only made me more unrelatable to the common man for the following few weeks. It almost felt like PTSD. Like "bro, I've been to hell and back. You have no idea what reality is son" kind of attitude to all my peers..

Besides my run with Clomid, I don't have depression...ever so take my advice with a grain of salt. I think anyone with depression would benefit bigly by living in some sort of communal. Almost all sufferers ruminate excessively when left alone to introspection. Having access to near constant social interaction keeps the mind busy. This allows time to work it's magic.

[MuscleScience]

Depression can do funny things to you. As shitty as it is, ive come to learn a lot about myself and how broken your thought process can be without even realizing it.

From the outside my life looked perfect. Had a good job, beautiful wife, 4 kids. I had all the toys. Audi, corvette, Harley, 14 rental properties as a second income. On the outside life was grand. I had one tenant that completely destroyed a building. My side business was in jeopardy. The only way I could survive it was to work 15hr days for the next yr. I was exhausted. Spent little time with my family. Diet was shit and I was gaining weight. At the 9 month mark I was very confident I wasn't going to be able to save the business but I had to complete the Reno to have any chance. This was the first time in my whole life I honestly considered suicide. Not the casual way some people describe it in passing but the dirty hows whens and wheres. How could I do it with the least impact to my family etc. Some real dark shit. I learned a lot about myself during that time. It's funny looking back now but my wife watches all the "fat people" shows. The biggest looser, my 600lb life etc. She looked at me once and said why do these people still keep eating when they know it's hurting them. I thought back to my depression and shitty eating and I finally understood them. I said, they are depressed and feel no joy in probably anything they are going to do that day. The chicken wings bring them tematary joy and fuck you for trying to take away the one thing that may bring them joy that day.
Today I'm not great, but I'm considerably better. Business failed, shit got ugly, but I got my head out of my ass long enough to realize that the worst thing that would happen is im going to lose some stuff. I will live, I will have my family and a wife who loves me. I hung on to that for a long time. It helped me when I was going through the shit. Most people have no idea what I have gone through with depression but I am very open about it if someone asks. I think to myself, if I could have those thoughts then maybe the person asking about it does too. I'm sure it would be nice for them to know they are not alone.... even if they think they are.

Wow man, this literally made me choke up and tear up. What you described about the down and dirty of it was something I was contemplating for many many months. I even researched my life insurance policy to see what impact would have on my beneficiaries. It's so scary to think back on that. Especially when all my life I have been a get shit done, put on your boots and get to work. It's so humbling how stress can literally change the person you are.

Thank you for sharing that, and thanks everyone else for sharing. It really helps knowing that others have these struggles too. I don't feel so guilty about it or ashamed. One thing I've been working on is understanding that I'm a human. I use to deal with adversity by going into robot mode and pounding though things. If I made a mistake I was very hard on myself. I guess what I'm trying to discover is that I to am a human and not imperfect.

[Obs]

Depression can do funny things to you. As shitty as it is, ive come to learn a lot about myself and how broken your thought process can be without even realizing it.

From the outside my life looked perfect. Had a good job, beautiful wife, 4 kids. I had all the toys. Audi, corvette, Harley, 14 rental properties as a second income. On the outside life was grand. I had one tenant that completely destroyed a building. My side business was in jeopardy. The only way I could survive it was to work 15hr days for the next yr. I was exhausted. Spent little time with my family. Diet was shit and I was gaining weight. At the 9 month mark I was very confident I wasn't going to be able to save the business but I had to complete the Reno to have any chance. This was the first time in my whole life I honestly considered suicide. Not the casual way some people describe it in passing but the dirty hows whens and wheres. How could I do it with the least impact to my family etc. Some real dark shit. I learned a lot about myself during that time. It's funny looking back now but my wife watches all the "fat people" shows. The biggest looser, my 600lb life etc. She looked at me once and said why do these people still keep eating when they know it's hurting them. I thought back to my depression and shitty eating and I finally understood them. I said, they are depressed and feel no joy in probably anything they are going to do that day. The chicken wings bring them tematary joy and fuck you for trying to take away the one thing that may bring them joy that day.
Today I'm not great, but I'm considerably better. Business failed, shit got ugly, but I got my head out of my ass long enough to realize that the worst thing that would happen is im going to lose some stuff. I will live, I will have my family and a wife who loves me. I hung on to that for a long time. It helped me when I was going through the shit. Most people have no idea what I have gone through with depression but I am very open about it if someone asks. I think to myself, if I could have those thoughts then maybe the person asking about it does too. I'm sure it would be nice for them to know they are not alone.... even if they think they are.

Its amazing how it doesn't have to be chemical. Poor mental habits and negative outlooks can spawn a depression that swallows your life.
I used to be extremely negative mentally as you described. I still am at times but It is sooo much better today.
I look at posessions now as a passing thing. I expect all things to pass so I enjoy them while I can.
Its not so good for longevity of my posessions though. I rod the piss out of everything, use things like they are disposable, because they are.

Family is all it takes. Someone to share your darkest and brightest moments, to hell with all the other stuff. Good job Stephen.

[Nephets]

Life is hard.... no one makes it out alive.

As for making depressed people live in a communal. One of the great and odd aspects of depression is the ablitly to feel alone while simultaneously being surrounded by loved ones who want to help.

It completely sucks all the joy out of your life. I used to describe it to my wife like this. Think of 3 things that you would like to do if time and money were no issue. When she gave me her answer I told her I couldn't think of a god damn thing. That's what it felt like to me. It's very hard to understand it unless you are in it.

Before my depression I was positive that people with mental health issues were a very small minority of the population. After, I'm quite sure they make up the majority.

[hammerheart]

powerful man, one thing I'm working on is getting my spiritual health in order.

I was raised by fanatic parents who cared about religious ways more than everything. I had to leave that religion because it felt like a total lie to me other than a spiritual cage.

I never had the desire to aggregate to others nor any yearning for belonging so just went to seek my own ways, I consider myself very "spiritual" yet not religious, but if anyone ask, I respond that I'm a Stoic.