Originally Posted by
Obs
You were born and spent a week in intensive care at the hospital. That's when my worry started for you.
No sleep, no longer worried for myself and what I was going to do for myself, my intentions shifted to you. My concern was not for the continuation of myself in you, it was for you to be something better.
I made a lot of mistakes, we saw hardship, and a lot of great times. I made my plans while you became your own person, life found its own course, and we were along for the ride.
A few times you saw my disappointment, this is when I saw myself in you. It seems the times I was most proud of you was when I realized how you didn't get many of my shortcomings as a person.
I watched you play alone many times out the window and thought about how much like me you were. You had my laugh and sense of humor from day one. You would find something hilarious no one else understood, but I did. You are the only one of your siblings who really enjoyed the quiet and entertained yourself with silent thought, often. That scared me too, because I hoped you hadn't found any darkness inside that amazing brain of yours.
You never looked to follow, always went your own path and thats one thing about you very similar to your old man, I hope you never lose. Don't let the world shape you, you shape it. You make them react, you just be you and act on what you know. Always be curteous, hold the door. Leave every place better than you found it. Hold yourself to your own higer standards and never waver. When everyone else is folding you stand true.
When you find a friend like a brother, you stand with them through the darkest storm even if it kills you. Let no one take advantage of you and you take advantage of no one. Choose your battles to win but never back down or give up.
You have a conscience like me, it can be a blessing or a curse. Betray it once and you will know what true pain is.
Use your motivation, build your work ethic, hold things sacred, and you can outdo any amoung you. You have my anger. I realized that when you would get pissed off learning to tie your shoes. You would get so mad you would cry, but barely flinched getting stiches or getting banged up riding your bike.
There is a fire burning inside you like very few have. If you learn to channel it into forward motion and a goal, the world will lie at your feet.
The honor I have spoke of, you must never lose. It's not what they see. It's what you see when you lay down at night. I want you to work like 10 others but when you lay down at night, I want my boy to know peace and rest.
Someday soon you will meet a girl and I want you to understand that just because you love her you may not get it back. It hurts, it hurts like hell, but there is one out there that will. It may take a lot of digging to find her. It may take a lot of pain and time. When you find that one that is concerned only for you and loves you above all, gives you everything she's got... You grab on with both hands and never let go, come hell.
People get selfish and you will too, as will she. You never betray her! Ever! Never let her betray you. Once you have found her doesn't mean you won. You have to show her every day and give her all the love you got. This will be the only person on earth that has the power to undo you with a few words. Never forget that goes the other way too, so watch your tongue.
Don't rush into marriage or having kids. You already know why. Sometimes the things we want and love just don't feel the same way. It takes time to figure this out.
You find out what your passion is, you find out who you are, and make it happen. Then you will have a good base for your family when you are ready for one. It takes time!
I can't apologize for all my shortcomings. I didn't know half of what I know now when you came into my life. Your mother and I just weren't meant for each other and the fault is shared equally between us. We both love you and we both made big mistakes. The pain this caused is something I don't want you to endure any more than you have, but keep in mind... This is how we got you. You are the light of our lives and anything bad we went through is nothing but a rainy day, since we have you and you have us.
You are coming up in a world where people are lacking fathers, a moral compass, or any real sense of belonging. You have a lot of advantages I want you to use.
I want our family to be strong. The day may come when you resent me for a time, but I will always forgive you. Don't stay gone too long, that would kill your old man. I did it to your grandparents while I was coming of age and learning about life. I see now how bad I hurt them in the years I was away. I may be broken down in time as will your mother, but one day we won't be there any more... no matter how much we want to stay.
Mind your conscience, some things I won't always be there to tell you a second time.
You have a conquering spirit like your father. Don't let that cause you to do things you regret. We will all have regret, but be wise and learn from mistakes. I want the world for you, but I want you to have peace when its time.
Always be prepared for your family. They depend on you. Always leave two exits to any given situation. Never back yourself into a corner and never back anyone else into a corner.
I pray every day I make it to the ground before any of you. That worries me beyond words sometimes. If all goes according to plan I want you to carry me to my grave with a full heart and peace, not regret and sadness. Remember what I have told you.
It may be a hell of a distance from this note to that cemetary, a lot can happen on the way, watch where you walk, my son. I love you.
