need opinions please

[hotstuff]

ok here's another relationship thread but i really could use your opinions and experience.

Is it possible to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but just not be ready to settle down?
Does it make a person a jerk if they found the one that they love but still want to have their cake and eat it too? Is it possible that it was just bad timing and IN TIME both people will come together without any interruption, or is that person just a jerk who will NEVER be ready to commit?

I feel that it's possible for 2 people to be "in between" relationships and trying to find themselves again so when they meet "the one" the timing is just off..

but if the other person is ready to commit should he/she wait for the other person to date around and play the field....have their fun until they are truely ready... or just deal with the heartache and move on?

Opinions and experienced advice please

[zimmy]

my honest opinion is that if they were the one, then the person would want to commit / settle down. If said person still wants to play the field, I don't think they see that person as someone they really wanna spend there life with, when they find that person they will change there tune.

As far as waiting around? People should know there heart. If they want a relationship and know the person they want to be with but that person doesn't have the same goals in the relationship, alot of times walking is the best thing to do.

[Teabagger]

I believe it is the biggest crock of bs for someone to say I love you, but I just can't commit. If you truly love someone, you want to commit. You want to literally spend the rest of your natural life together. This "can't", or "afraid" to commit is simply an excuse for not saying, I don't want to commit, because you're not the "one". You're fun to be with, good in bed, and convienant to have around....but not forever. You're wasting your time with a person like this if you're ready to be in a committed relationship. Take the heartache now and get it over with...cause it's coming that is for sure. And I do speak from personal experience.

[Pooks]

yah bout 5 years ago, an Ex that dumped my ass, was telling me just that exact stuff.

She said.. Maybe in 5 years lol

wait a minute..... SHIT..... I better hide.

[Mizfit]

Fate determines who comes into our lives, but yes at times it is at the wrong time.. and i don't think there are any guarantees that there will ever be a right time for the two to come together.

Life is about experiences and each experience is a stepping stone to the next. The path we chose determines where we go from there. What is perfect today might not be tomorrow in your heart or head anyhow.

Can each of those individuals live with whatever occurred while they were apart? I don’t think anyone can make any kind of promises.

I think you can’t wait around for a boat that might never set sail. Better to build a life for yourself and not wait for someone else to be ready... no matter how badly your heart wants too.

[j3374]

I think the more emotionally involved you are the more distorted your perspective will be. If you think they're "the one", but they're not ready to settle down for whatever reason, then there are definitely more compatable people out there.

[steve0]

Fate determines who comes into our lives, but yes at times it is at the wrong time.. and i don't think there are any guarantees that there will ever be a right time for the two to come together.
Life is about experiences and each experience is a stepping stone to the next. The path we chose determines where we go from there. What is perfect today might not be tomorrow in your heart or head anyhow.

Can each of those individuals live with whatever occurred while they were apart? I don’t think anyone can make any kind of promises.

I think you can’t wait around for a boat that might never set sail. Better to build a life for yourself and not wait for someone else to be ready... no matter how badly your heart wants too.

agreed, there is a reason why the people that were in your life are not there anymore.

[Mizfit]

agreed, there is a reason why the people that were in your life are not there anymore.

We've all thought we had the one.. and in our heart of hearts were convinced there will be no other..

In most instances.. there is.. but only time can show you this..

[WEBB]

As much as i hate to tell ya this Hotstuff both zimmy and teabagger are 100% accurate with there advice...

If you find someone and you truly and i mean TRULY love them there is no "waiting" period...you would commit to them on the spot....and as for playing the field, i dont believe that person is truly in love either, because if they were, the only field to play is the one of the person they are in LOVE with...

Walking away from a relationship that has the possibility in your mind to be "the One" is going to be probabaly the hardest thing you are going to have to do in a long time, but in the end it will be the healthiest realtionship move you can make...You will find that "one" and when you do you will wanna commit and there will be no one else for them either...

I wish you good luck and we are here for ya to talk to...I have no doubt in my mind you will find that person your life will become the center of, and happiness is not far away for you either....

WEBB

[Pooks]

Yah i'm having a hard time, figuring out if its your dood that is saying this to you.. or you saying this to the dood..

but either way..
I say u guys arent compatible..
one likes to go out and enjoy themselves with strangers, while the other likes to sit around and prolly enjoy the other person instead LOL.

so anyways...
like the one that likes to go out will get annoyed by all the attention they're prolly getting, and will want space...

and the other person will get annoyed by all the other people they have to chill with, cause they just want to spend time with PERSON1...

wanting space. versus wanting to get closer..
is not gonna cut it LOL.

someone will need to change, do either of you have it in you? i'm putting money on NO lol.
maybe i'm a pessimist..

[steve0]

We've all thought we had the one.. and in our heart of hearts were convinced there will be no other..

In most instances.. there is.. but only time can show you this..

yes, i agree again with you Miz, i can give a good example to this Question..

Me and my Ex were togather for 3.5 years a log time yes, but near as long as many relationships, we were the same person its was kinda scary at moments, we whould argue quite a bit over nonsense and we new it, it was alomost like if we didnt argue then we didnt feel right. We lived togather for 2 years of the relationship, and it was good i will admit, i had it good she did all the crap that us guys like, i.e- clean,cook, brought me water bottles to the gym when i whould forget mine, all the good stuff, i moved for school and she followed me 6 months later after saveing some money...

It all ended when i moved to Austin for work and she remained in Lubbock i had to move in with my dad because i didnt have a plce of my own just getting started and all, so i visited her a time or two, but i felt no connection, so after 5 months of being apart she moved to Flordia, were her Folks live, she asked me to move there to be with her, but i dont wanna leave TX and she dosnt wanna leave Fl, and its been that way for 1.5 years now, and neither one of use is moveing, in all reality it whould make more sense for me to move there i could make more money and i could have her, but on the other hand i love were i live and my inteire family lives here were i am, we still talk evrey now and then not to often anymore really, we have problems with trust, lie's, ect...i tell her the truth about other girls ect..but i feel she holds back and wont tell me what her dateing life is like...

so to answer your Question Yes you can have the cake and eat it to, but dont take a big bite, becasue it will be all gone.


Steve0

[RA]

Is it possible to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but just not be ready to settle down?
Does it make a person a jerk if they found the one that they love but still want to have their cake and eat it too? Is it possible that it was just bad timing and IN TIME both people will come together without any interruption, or is that person just a jerk who will NEVER be ready to commit?



No

[WEBB]

No

Sometimes the simplest answer is the most accurate....

[RA]

Sometimes the simplest answer is the most accurate....

Long winded answers tend to complicate things

[hotstuff]

Thanks for all the responses.
In this situation we met when we were just getting out of long relationships. The difference however was I had been single for almost 8 months and he only 2 months. I believe that there should be a grieving and self healing process between long relationships......i had more time to date around and find myself againg than he did.....
but when we met it was like "WOW"!!
However, there has always been something in the back of his mind telling him that he never took the time he needed.....so we've had several go arounds of "let's just take some time apart" then we do that and he says "i hate not being with you so lets get back together" so I do and put my heart back into it and he changes his mind AGAIN!
This back and forth crap is killing me inside but I'm scared if i give up and move on for good than that's it.

[mmaximus25]

move on or do the same.... never wait... that not fair and IMO a relationship is more to do with being fair cus that usually means the person is honest... they should understand that running around and having someone wait is totally unfair and either let you go do teh same or let you go period. not sure if that helped

my ex wife and I went through a bout of waiting for each other and it got all screwed up... now a cool girl is kinda waiting for me now but I'm honest and tell her I'm not seeing others or playing around but I'm not getting back in tha saddle for a while... (live together, get married)

[spencer]

Thanks for all the responses.
In this situation we met when we were just getting out of long relationships. The difference however was I had been single for almost 8 months and he only 2 months. I believe that there should be a grieving and self healing process between long relationships......i had more time to date around and find myself againg than he did.....
but when we met it was like "WOW"!!
However, there has always been something in the back of his mind telling him that he never took the time he needed.....so we've had several go arounds of "let's just take some time apart" then we do that and he says "i hate not being with you so lets get back together" so I do and put my heart back into it and he changes his mind AGAIN!
This back and forth crap is killing me inside but I'm scared if i give up and move on for good than that's it.

oh shit, sounds bad

[hotstuff]

move on or do the same.... never wait... that not fair and IMO a relationship is more to do with being fair cus that usually means the person is honest... they should understand that running around and having someone wait is totally unfair and either let you go do teh same or let you go period. not sure if that helped

my ex wife and I went through a bout of waiting for each other and it got all screwed up... now a cool girl is kinda waiting for me now but I'm honest and tell her I'm not seeing others or playing around but I'm not getting back in tha saddle for a while... (live together, get married)

He has always been completely honest with me about everything he is feeling since we have gotten back together. HE told me this morning that he couldn't stand to see me hurting so much over his indecisiveness and that it was best if i moved on. At the same time he says he doesn't think he will ever find anyone like me??? that's why i'm so confused. why let me go if you know you won't find anyone better???

[spencer]

ok here's another relationship thread but i really could use your opinions and experience.

Is it possible to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but just not be ready to settle down?

imo if u want to spend the rest of your life with them u got to settle down and prob' will.

[spencer]

He has always been completely honest with me about everything he is feeling since we have gotten back together. HE told me this morning that he couldn't stand to see me hurting so much over his indecisiveness and that it was best if i moved on. At the same time he says he doesn't think he will ever find anyone like me??? that's why i'm so confused. why let me go if you know you won't find anyone better???

if u love something, let it go, if its ment to be it'll come back

[needmorestrength]

We've all had lost loves.. But personally I believe the ONE is a person that you meet, at the right time in your life, with the same goals and expectations as you..

[taiboxa]

relationships suck, there is NO correct answer to any relationship question.
except adultry thats a pretty easy one to answer.. and the answer is ITS BAD.. just plain BAD! and i guess mistreating someone is another easy one to answer. hmm.. u know i just realised.. DR.PHIL aint got shit on tai!

I HOPE that answerd ur question

[squatdaddy]

I for one think there should be a healing process... serial monogomy I don't feel is good for either party... with saying that it doesn't have to equate to whoring around, sometimes one just needs to reconnect with themselves as a relationship focuses less on the individual and more on the couple, so when one ends, one needs to rediscover... there isn't enough info here to form an opinion, is it he wants to "play the field" or is it he just needs to reconnect with himself... what level of commitment are you striving for? Exclusive dating is different than practically living together or even the next level... I am not of the mindset that "wow, I luv you, even though we just met, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you" Emotionally this is how it sometimes goes in people's minds but emotions will lie to you every time...

[RA]

Thanks for all the responses.
In this situation we met when we were just getting out of long relationships. The difference however was I had been single for almost 8 months and he only 2 months. I believe that there should be a grieving and self healing process between long relationships......i had more time to date around and find myself againg than he did.....
but when we met it was like "WOW"!!
However, there has always been something in the back of his mind telling him that he never took the time he needed.....so we've had several go arounds of "let's just take some time apart" then we do that and he says "i hate not being with you so lets get back together" so I do and put my heart back into it and he changes his mind AGAIN!
This back and forth crap is killing me inside but I'm scared if i give up and move on for good than that's it.

I think it would be better to end it then to keep going back and forth.(as hard as it is)

[stocky121]

this is how i look at it i don't think he's ready you both need to move on. And if it is truly ment to be it will happen and work out maybe it's 4 year's down the line but it will work out and you will be happy if it's ment to be.

[-DedicateD-]

ok here's another relationship thread but i really could use your opinions and experience.

Is it possible to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but just not be ready to settle down?
Does it make a person a jerk if they found the one that they love but still want to have their cake and eat it too? Is it possible that it was just bad timing and IN TIME both people will come together without any interruption, or is that person just a jerk who will NEVER be ready to commit?

I feel that it's possible for 2 people to be "in between" relationships and trying to find themselves again so when they meet "the one" the timing is just off..

but if the other person is ready to commit should he/she wait for the other person to date around and play the field....have their fun until they are truely ready... or just deal with the heartache and move on?

Opinions and experienced advice please

I felt i had to add my .02 cents because i am in the EXACT same situation you are. Met my gf freshman year in college, sacrificed pretty much all of the "college experiance" being with her. when it our last semester together in school, she started having doubts about the future. with me getting a job and working and her staying in grad school. We would fight about every little thing we could and it stopped being a fun relationship.

after breaking up for 2 weeks and getting back together a few times, i had enough and told her we should really take some time to figure it out. so we took a break in feb of this year and are still seperated. the first month or 2 she was trying to get back with me but i told her that it wasnt the right time and i needed to figure out some things. of course along the way i had to see what i was missing out on for 3 years. i soon realized that i wanted to give it another shot.

she was angry that she had to "wait around" for me to decide so now she wasnt ready to settle down anymore she wanted to have fun and enjoy her life "now that she got rejected from grad school" so now i am the one who is put in the position of waiting around. not that im really waiting, as any time i get a craving to see or call her i replace it with another girl but it does makes you think about if there will ever be a "right time".

my little story probably didnt help at all, but it sure felt good to get off my chest, lol. Each relationship is different, and like tai said, there is no answer to these questions. if it was easy it wouldnt be love

wow sorry for the long read

[hotstuff]

I for one think there should be a healing process... serial monogomy I don't feel is good for either party... with saying that it doesn't have to equate to whoring around, sometimes one just needs to reconnect with themselves as a relationship focuses less on the individual and more on the couple, so when one ends, one needs to rediscover... there isn't enough info here to form an opinion, is it he wants to "play the field" or is it he just needs to reconnect with himself... what level of commitment are you striving for? Exclusive dating is different than practically living together or even the next level... I am not of the mindset that "wow, I luv you, even though we just met, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you" Emotionally this is how it sometimes goes in people's minds but emotions will lie to you every time...

he was very honest and said that when we were apart and he was out with the guys.....he liked flirting and liked the attention. It was something he didnt' get to do in between a really long relationship ending and meeting me.
it's like he knows i'm the one but there's this itch he wants to scratch

[squatdaddy]

he was very honest and said that when we were apart and he was out with the guys.....he liked flirting and liked the attention. It was something he didnt' get to do in between a really long relationship ending and meeting me.
it's like he knows i'm the one but there's this itch he wants to scratch

again, I will go out on a limb here be posting against the popular consensious... If anyone of us didn't like the attention, we wouldn't be on this board, or doing the things we're doing, we all like positive feedback to how we look or how people respond to us... this in and of itself is natural and I give him credit for stating this, most guys don't admit to this... now, acting on this or making the "flirt" behavior obnoxious is entirely different, then yes I would say a boundry was crossed and respect for you was lost, it's a fine line... if that is you in your avatar, you are very pretty, I am sure that you take pride in the way you look and are not offended when that positive vibe is given or taken by someone else... just use it for what it's worth... like the Saturday night live dude that used to look in the mirror and say "I am good enough", "I am smart enough, and darn it, people like me", flirting (mild) can be an esteem boost... my wife always thinks I am flirting but again, to me it's just to give and receive a positive vibe, doesn't mean I want to instantly jump in the sack with that person... doesn't even cross my mind, I am happy with my wife, she knows this... the most crap I get from her is some gentle ribbing...

[Teabagger]

he was very honest and said that when we were apart and he was out with the guys.....he liked flirting and liked the attention. It was something he didnt' get to do in between a really long relationship ending and meeting me.
it's like he knows i'm the one but there's this itch he wants to scratch

HotStuff, here is what you want to hear. "It'll be ok. Stick around and he'll grow out of this mood, attitude, whatever and finally see you are the one of his dreams and you'll live happy evermore." Now here is how it is...

"I like you, its comfortable being around you, but I'm not that excited by you anymore. Our lovemaking has kinda fallen into a practiced pattern, and while its nice, its not the BA BOOM!! it used to be when we first got to know each other. I like having you around, its convienant and comfortable, but I want to go play too. And you know, as long as you're ok with that, then I'll keep up this charade for awhile. I'll pretend my indecison bothers me because it hurts you, but really I care more about what I want and my needs than yours. You see Hotstuff, I should be the one to leave, make a clean break...hell I'm the one that doesn't want to commit, but I'm scared to be really alone, ya know. Thats a big part of the reason I was in that other relationship for so long, and why I rushed into this one. So stay here for me, ok. Put your needs second to mine, I mean you're a woman, and women are supposed to do that right? My mom did all those years with my dad. C'mon...lets keep playing make believe, it's better than reality don't ya think?..What? Dinner tonite? Naw I promised some of the guys I'd meet them at Sloppys and watch the playoff games, ok...good girl...don't wait up babe....uh yea...love you too.

Not being sarcastic at all. He has it all....and you have less than nothing. You can accept that, or you can take control of your life, move on and up. I wish you luck, I hate to see anybody played or manipulated. What qualifies me say what I did, well just life is all, experience. And the fact that when I met my wife I knew in less than 6 months she was the one, and neither hell nor high water was gonna keep us apart, and it hasn't for the last 27 years.

[SMAN12b]

Hotstuff, you have all this great advice here. But something tells me you already know the answer to your own question and are just afraid to end it. You have to take care of YOU first. If you move on and the two of you come back together with a "Commitment" then that is great, but why settle and stop living when it is obvious that he doesn't .
Relationships suck!! We all seem to ultimately want the same things in the end, but why is it so freakin hard for two people to stay together anymore!
sad state of the world......

[chest6]

I cant get involved or I'll get banned

[Carlos_E]

ok here's another relationship thread but i really could use your opinions and experience.

Is it possible to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but just not be ready to settle down?
Does it make a person a jerk if they found the one that they love but still want to have their cake and eat it too? Is it possible that it was just bad timing and IN TIME both people will come together without any interruption, or is that person just a jerk who will NEVER be ready to commit?

I feel that it's possible for 2 people to be "in between" relationships and trying to find themselves again so when they meet "the one" the timing is just off..

but if the other person is ready to commit should he/she wait for the other person to date around and play the field....have their fun until they are truely ready... or just deal with the heartache and move on?

Opinions and experienced advice please

Don't wait. When you wait for someone you give them power over you. When they have that power they lose respect for you. They think they can do anything and you'll still be there waiting for them. You can't make someone into something they are not. People don't change.

[RA]

Don't wait. When you wait for someone you give them power over you. When they have that power they lose respect for you. They think they can do anything and you'll still be there waiting for them. You can't make someone into something they are not. People don't change.

150% correct but people don't believe it

[hotstuff]

Hotstuff, you have all this great advice here. But something tells me you already know the answer to your own question and are just afraid to end it. You have to take care of YOU first. If you move on and the two of you come back together with a "Commitment" then that is great, but why settle and stop living when it is obvious that he doesn't .
Relationships suck!! We all seem to ultimately want the same things in the end, but why is it so freakin hard for two people to stay together anymore!
sad state of the world......

i completely agree with you. i know i have to take care of me first but i can't understand how a man can tell a woman how much he loves her but cant' commit??? he loves me sooooo much and i am his best friend in the whole world..... but he can't give me what i need and he needs to experience some things before he settles down?

It's hard to explain but it seems like an awesome relationshipe boiled down to alot of lies and confusion all of a sudden..... just a little shock i'm going through i guess

[hotstuff]

Don't wait. When you wait for someone you give them power over you. When they have that power they lose respect for you. They think they can do anything and you'll still be there waiting for them. You can't make someone into something they are not. People don't change.

i agree with you 100%. and i'm not waiting anymore. trust me i am getting myself out there and experiencing other things. sometimes it's just sad when you can't experience the new things with the one you wanna be with

[Carlos_E]

it's just sad when you can't experience the new things with the one you wanna be with

I know how you feel. Especially if things were very good at the beginning you keep thinking why can't things be like that again and you keep trying over and over again to make it so. But you can't fix a relationship by yourself. It takes 2 people willing to commit and he doesn't want to.

[hotstuff]

I know how you feel. Especially if things were very good at the beginning you keep thinking why can't things be like that again and you keep trying over and over again to make it so. But you can't fix a relationship by yourself. It takes 2 people willing to commit and he doesn't want to.

DAMN why do ya have to be so harsh about it?
no seriously.....i get that. it sucks though. to be honest after all of our conversations i honestly think HE tries to convince himself that he should be with me...he keeps telling me he wants to want to be in a relationship with me....but he can't do it right now?? i guess his cheat-o-meter stops him.
Botom line....he's not ready....so i'm moving on!!!! bu-bye!

[Carlos_E]

DAMN why do ya have to be so harsh about it?
no seriously.....i get that. it sucks though. to be honest after all of our conversations i honestly think HE tries to convince himself that he should be with me...he keeps telling me he wants to want to be in a relationship with me....but he can't do it right now?? i guess his cheat-o-meter stops him.
Botom line....he's not ready....so i'm moving on!!!! bu-bye!

Sorry I don't mean to be harsh. I have been through this and I did not look out for my best interest. I "waited" for him. All I did was waste my time and put myself through misery. I don't want you to go through what I did.

[C_Bino]

Thanks for all the responses.
In this situation we met when we were just getting out of long relationships. The difference however was I had been single for almost 8 months and he only 2 months. I believe that there should be a grieving and self healing process between long relationships......i had more time to date around and find myself againg than he did.....
but when we met it was like "WOW"!!
However, there has always been something in the back of his mind telling him that he never took the time he needed.....so we've had several go arounds of "let's just take some time apart" then we do that and he says "i hate not being with you so lets get back together" so I do and put my heart back into it and he changes his mind AGAIN!
This back and forth crap is killing me inside but I'm scared if i give up and move on for good than that's it.

IMO not only is it killing you inside but killing your relationship. In my experience and friends/family, when you are back and forth its because you start to lose interest, become annoyed more easily with the person, maybe just dont feel same way but dont want to admit it. Then when you are apart you grieve for something you have lost and want it back. RARELY and i really mean RARELY when you take time apart do you think of the bad things, you think of what you miss because its not there infront of you anymore etc. Now when you have a huge fight or bad breakup then you rant about bad times to your friends etc, but when its a simple "break" you are going to always think in the back of your head that you want that person to just call you up and everything will be better. This is natural but it also kills you, it makes you addicted to the person, not in love. You will get back together and the cycle starts again (and this time by cycle I actually dont mean AAS ).

Anyways, I have been there and let me tell you it doesnt work. Taking breaks dont solve problems, they delay them for another time. You need to sit down and work it out. From there you can decide if it will work or not. Yes I realize its not a decision that can be made overnight. But taking breaks will solve nothing imo. If you love someone and they love you you dont need a break from them.

[biggerisbetter2006]

I agree with what many others are saying. Breaking up is always for a reason and its not worth it to stick around. You may end up being dragged around in a pointless 'relationship' for a long time and in the end, it may result in only more pain. Let me tell you from experience, I believed someone I thought cared for me deeply b/c he said he did but really I was nothing important to him. He cheated on a gf I had no clue about (with me), told me he loved me to death and he would be with me again b/c I was the only one for him. That was a load of BS.

Darling, if he cant see how amazing you are right NOW, then he's not worth your time. Never wait around for anyone. There is someone out there thats better for you. I promise. Its his loss and one day he'll probably regret it. If you completely want to try and make it work, then sit down and discuss it maturely and openly. If you dont come to any conclusion, then walk away. You dont need or deserve the lingering. Take care Sweetheart.