Fuck Cancer

[sv.elia]

Then I look at my boys and realize I really don’t have a choice. If I didn’t have them, then maybe I’d say fuck it. I’m 45 though and have faith that I’ll beat this (no matter how hard) and then have a fulfilling life afterwards. The hard part is when the “voices” creep in and the doubt reeks havoc.

It may be weird for me to chime in and talk about fighting a battle I never went through, but maybe seeing what it’s like from another standpoint just adds more motivation to push on doubt-free.

I know how hard this is, not by virtue of having experienced it, but because it's what I'm running like hell from. I chose to remain kid-free for the freedom to say fuck it at any given point.

I want to spare myself those feelings of helplessness for not being able to bend the world into a better place for them (health-wise, financial, all of it).

But isn’t it ultimately a cowardly act? Seen from above, people like you are fighting and people like me are on standby before the real battle.

I don't go through mess, but I also don't get to shout victory when all is said and done.

And funnily equipment gets worn out for all parties. So it's a matter of going down swinging or standing by to watch it get rusty anyway.

Can’t express how big a thing is what you’re doing, never think of saying fuck it. Don’t envy someone’s freedom to do it either. You’ve got a warrior’s life worth squeezing every moment available.

Respect for pulling through, no room for voices saying otherwise.

[The road]

You have no choice. Never did. You're setting an example which will impact them the rest of their lives. Doing anything less would be selfish.

I am selfish.
Not doing what I do for my kids or my gf. Its all me. This was my choice and my life. The effect they have keeps me from being a bad guy (totally evil) but thats as far as it goes.

I just can’t say fuck it if there is something that can eliminate the potentially negative outcome. I guess it is just the fighter in me. Yes, I’m dealing with heart issues and thyroid issues. People live with flutter all the time and do not know they even have it. That one , I may come to the point and say fuck it. I
The present plan is to use medication to see if it eliminates it and if not , to go to the shock treatment. I will probably stop there if it isn’t fixed and not get an ablation. I am much more cautious with stims then I used to be. I will cross the ablation bridge when I get there.
The funny thing is I am no longer afraid to die. I made it clear to my wife that if I am put on a machine to live, to pull the fucking plug. Just having a heartbeat is no way to live. I am probably just a selfish asshole, but when it’s my time to go, I will go. If there is anything I can use to my advantage to prolong my stay, I will.
That is the way I feel today, but tomorrow I may feel differently.


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We are a lot alike.

If I feel differently it will be darker and more selfish.

Sampson is stronger than all of us and much less self centered.

[SampsonandDelilah]

Not sure about that brother...playing it as it comes. Thank you for saying that though.

Thank you to you all...you have no idea

[The road]

Once my business is established I intend on coming out about shit to my kids etc.

Seth Feroce always stood out to me because of his statements about living the life he wanted, even if it cost him years off his life.

I'm gonna die man.
I won't be old.
I just want to live this mfer to the fullest.

For me that means a pro card as a dream and a business legacy as the forefront.

That will eat away any excess. I came from nothing physically and financially. Gonna take a lot to kill me. I licked death like a clit a lotta years. Eventually dues will be paid.

Between there and now is a lot of pure energy and people like you inspire that in me.

[charger69]

.

Sampson is stronger than all of us and much less self centered.

So true! I just wish that Sampson fell in love with a girl named Mary and not Delilah, that way I could call him S&M. LOL


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[The road]

So true! I just wish that Sampson fell in love with a girl named Mary and not Delilah, that way I could call him S&M. LOL


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Lmao you been hanging out with ragnar too long

[charger69]

Lmao you been hanging out with ragnar too long

LOL- probably


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[kelkel]

So true! I just wish that Sampson fell in love with a girl named Mary and not Delilah, that way I could call him S&M. LOL


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How long have you been working on that one?

[GearHeaded]

Once my business is established I intend on coming out about shit to my kids etc.

Seth Feroce always stood out to me because of his statements about living the life he wanted, even if it cost him years off his life.

I'm gonna die man.
I won't be old.
I just want to live this mfer to the fullest.

For me that means a pro card as a dream and a business legacy as the forefront.

That will eat away any excess. I came from nothing physically and financially. Gonna take a lot to kill me. I licked death like a clit a lotta years. Eventually dues will be paid.

Between there and now is a lot of pure energy and people like you inspire that in me.

there is more "man" coming around then just christ himself . he just set the example. but 'the man' has always been here and we are always going to kick ass and help our neighbor

[charger69]

It’s getting real. The test came back indeterminate. They took extra samples and they will be sent to Texas for testing. About a 2 week time frame.
The Dr did state sometimes it comes back indeterminate and needs to go for additional testing which is why they took enough samples.
I better get my ass in gear if I’m planning on going on stage again.


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[David LoPan]

Went in to have a cyst removed from my back...had another one I thought was a hemorrhoid. Well found out yesterday they were carcinomas. As of now I have rectal cancer. Spent 3 hours with an oncologist yesterday.
Not sure why I’m telling you guys, just need to vent I guess. Feels a bit cathartic.
Have a PET scan next week, pelvic MRI and a colonoscopy. Praying it isn’t anywhere else, won’t know until after the PET scan.
45 fucking years old, eat clean as a whistle. Don’t smoke, rarely drink and no family history. I’m crushed.
8 weeks of radiation and chemo as it stands. Will know more after the PET scan.
Can’t bring myself to tell my kids yet.

I give two fucks about corona virus, least of my worries. My attitude on a lot of shit has changed in just 24 hours. I’m not sweating the small stuff anymore. Making sure I’m more patient and I’m gonna smile more.

Kiss your loved ones, call an old buddy you’ve been meaning to and embrace your health. Also make sure and do your god damn checkups.

Not sure how I’ll feel once treatments start, guess I won’t be starting that DHB cycle for a while now.
Fuck traveling for work for a bit.

Hope I’ll have it in me to get some semblance of a workout in. I’ll check in when I know more, and when I can. I get it’s an Internet forum, but fuck if I won’t share my story. Not gonna be another statistic. I got hit a god damn bus on a HD, ain’t going out like this. Not my ending.

Be strong, be kind. Appreciate the good ones.

My best to you all

Stay strong brother and you will beat this.

[GirlyGymRat]

Thank you for that Kel...amen

I’m going to remind you.....the uncertainty of future will cause stress. Please resist bad juju. One day at a time. ODAAT!!!

this is hard to do...especially more so with children and matters of the [emoji3590]

[emoji1317][emoji1317][emoji1317]

[Fluidic Kimbo]

It’s getting real. The test came back indeterminate. They took extra samples and they will be sent to Texas for testing. About a 2 week time frame.

I will pray for you on my morning walk past the prayer room in my town (yes we have a dedicated prayer room with a combination lock so anyone with the code can go in 24/7).

Also you can have Obs's hare krishna beads if you want, he returned them to sender so they're sitting in the mail office.

[charger69]

I will pray for you on my morning walk past the prayer room in my town (yes we have a dedicated prayer room with a combination lock so anyone with the code can go in 24/7).

Also you can have Obs's hare krishna beads if you want, he returned them to sender so they're sitting in the mail office.

No thanks!


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[SampsonandDelilah]

1 am and I can’t sleep. Just read some amazing PM’s that give me hope and sharpen my optimism.
Day 1 of chemo and radiation starts in 7 hours. I’ll be there all day. They weigh me every single day, the reality of losing weight, muscle and strength has finally set in.
I tell myself I’m going to approach eating during chemo like I’d eat when I’m bulking. Eat and repeat. Stuffed? Not hungry? Too fucking bad, open your mouth and put it in. One bite at a time, chew, swallow, repeat. Going to lean more on liquid calories than ever before but I’m hoping they’ll be my salvation. Wonder what other body builders have tackled chemo (although I consider myself a “weight lifter” and not a BB) you get the point.
Tenacious, determined, ferocious...these are my words and my mantra.

Wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I am though and maybe it makes me brave to admit that? I’m not afraid of being afraid. I wish it wasn’t me...it is though and I have to deal with it. Tomorrow seemed so far away and now it’s coming so quickly. It’s few blinks away now...

Had to get this off of my chest and out of my head. Hopefully sleep will come now...

My best to you all and thank you for all that have written, I’m so grateful.

Day 1, here I come

[XnavyHMCS]

Godspeed, brother.

We are with you all the way.

I guess that fear is normal, in this and perhaps any case, but especially here.

Good luck. Be strong, as I am certain you will rightfully be.

You've got a lot to succeed for, buddy.

Go get'em!!!

[charger69]

1 am and I can’t sleep. Just read some amazing PM’s that give me hope and sharpen my optimism.
Day 1 of chemo and radiation starts in 7 hours. I’ll be there all day. They weigh me every single day, the reality of losing weight, muscle and strength has finally set in.
I tell myself I’m going to approach eating during chemo like I’d eat when I’m bulking. Eat and repeat. Stuffed? Not hungry? Too fucking bad, open your mouth and put it in. One bite at a time, chew, swallow, repeat. Going to lean more on liquid calories than ever before but I’m hoping they’ll be my salvation. Wonder what other body builders have tackled chemo (although I consider myself a “weight lifter” and not a BB) you get the point.
Tenacious, determined, ferocious...these are my words and my mantra.

Wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I am though and maybe it makes me brave to admit that? I’m not afraid of being afraid. I wish it wasn’t me...it is though and I have to deal with it. Tomorrow seemed so far away and now it’s coming so quickly. It’s few blinks away now...

Had to get this off of my chest and out of my head. Hopefully sleep will come now...

My best to you all and thank you for all that have written, I’m so grateful.

Day 1, here I come

Don’t worry about the muscle. You can get it back.
You already have a plan on what you are going to do. That’s what we do. BB or weightlifter- we are all the same. You have an injury and you make a plan to minimize its effect. Our plans don’t always work and we improvise as we go.
I remember when I gained 8 lbs of water weight 5 days out from a competition. I turned freaking smooth. I would not give up and tried just about everything. I did compete and took 2nd. I am sure you have a similar story. That’s what you need to focus on. That’s what we do, we adapt.
Just take it one day at a time. You have a bunch of people that have never met you in person that are routing for you.
You can do this.


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[clarky.]

1 am and I can’t sleep. Just read some amazing PM’s that give me hope and sharpen my optimism.
Day 1 of chemo and radiation starts in 7 hours. I’ll be there all day. They weigh me every single day, the reality of losing weight, muscle and strength has finally set in.
I tell myself I’m going to approach eating during chemo like I’d eat when I’m bulking. Eat and repeat. Stuffed? Not hungry? Too fucking bad, open your mouth and put it in. One bite at a time, chew, swallow, repeat. Going to lean more on liquid calories than ever before but I’m hoping they’ll be my salvation. Wonder what other body builders have tackled chemo (although I consider myself a “weight lifter” and not a BB) you get the point.
Tenacious, determined, ferocious...these are my words and my mantra.

Wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I am though and maybe it makes me brave to admit that? I’m not afraid of being afraid. I wish it wasn’t me...it is though and I have to deal with it. Tomorrow seemed so far away and now it’s coming so quickly. It’s few blinks away now...

Had to get this off of my chest and out of my head. Hopefully sleep will come now...

My best to you all and thank you for all that have written, I’m so grateful.

Day 1, here I come

Take this shit head on like you do with your training, like charger said don't worry about muscle you will get that back. Just try and concentrate on getting past this.

[almostgone]

1 am and I can’t sleep. Just read some amazing PM’s that give me hope and sharpen my optimism.
Day 1 of chemo and radiation starts in 7 hours. I’ll be there all day. They weigh me every single day, the reality of losing weight, muscle and strength has finally set in.
I tell myself I’m going to approach eating during chemo like I’d eat when I’m bulking. Eat and repeat. Stuffed? Not hungry? Too fucking bad, open your mouth and put it in. One bite at a time, chew, swallow, repeat. Going to lean more on liquid calories than ever before but I’m hoping they’ll be my salvation. Wonder what other body builders have tackled chemo (although I consider myself a “weight lifter” and not a BB) you get the point.
Tenacious, determined, ferocious...these are my words and my mantra.

Wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I am though and maybe it makes me brave to admit that? I’m not afraid of being afraid. I wish it wasn’t me...it is though and I have to deal with it. Tomorrow seemed so far away and now it’s coming so quickly. It’s few blinks away now...

Had to get this off of my chest and out of my head. Hopefully sleep will come now...

My best to you all and thank you for all that have written, I’m so grateful.

Day 1, here I come

Your nerves are working on you and that is natural. Like GGR said, one day at a time.

[BG]

Best wishes to the both of you, you guys were in our prayers.


Charger im with you, get one thing fixed 2 more pop up. Just got skin cancer cut out of my back a few days ago and I noticed more on my shoulder last night. Still have a huge hole in my back that hasn’t got close to healing yet.

I’m like a car with 200,000 miles on it, Fix it and wait for what goes wrong next. Hopefully the motor stays running well, cause I’ll just keep driving the mf’r until the wheels fall off

[SampsonandDelilah]

Infusion has begun...no going back now!!


Thank you for the comments, they help more than you know!!

[kelkel]

So, who's Sara?

[SampsonandDelilah]

So, who's Sara?

Keen eye Kel...wish there was more to tell. I think it’s Nurse Ratchet’s first name


No sponge baths in my future...

[kelkel]

Keen eye Kel...wish there was more to tell. I think it’s Nurse Ratchet’s first name


No sponge baths in my future...

Well, one of you is lucky then. Coin toss which one!

[Richard Head]

Keep the faith brother, you got this!

[Proximal]

Wishing you the best buddy.

[clarky.]

Keen eye Kel...wish there was more to tell. I think it’s Nurse Ratchet’s first name


No sponge baths in my future...

Hahahaha, The big guy misses fuck all sampson.

[< <Samson> >]

Well,



All this real life shit


On my 3 day or so absence from here I found out that a close "freind" of mine is facing double life(he is 47)



Fuck, shit's hard - from seeing everyone's health to other real life issues. . . . It's not life or death < shit, I wish



Back to the original toppic - it's all about where we are with what we got. . . At 45, there is no choice. . . . Just a harsh reality

[Proximal]

Keen eye Kel...wish there was more to tell. I think it’s Nurse Ratchet’s first name


No sponge baths in my future...

Don’t remember Nurse Rachet’s first name, but tell me she wouldn’t animate you in bed?

[SampsonandDelilah]

Well,



All this real life shit


On my 3 day or so absence from here I found out that a close "freind" of mine is facing double life(he is 47)



Fuck, shit's hard - from seeing everyone's health to other real life issues. . . . It's not life or death < shit, I wish



Back to the original toppic - it's all about where we are with what we got. . . At 45, there is no choice. . . . Just a harsh reality

Damn brother, thoughts and prayers.

Life is real. Stay strong

[SampsonandDelilah]

Don’t remember Nurse Rachet’s first name, but tell me she wouldn’t animate you in bed?

Hah! I think she would terrify me in bed! I have bad enough insomnia as it is

[Test Monsterone]

Hopefully you can get or have some green to get you through the process and help you eat and sleep. If you wanna do it the healthier way, use a vaporizer with the dry herb. Arizer Air is an incredible vaporizer.

I typically don’t have issues with sleep but I’ve been sleeping only a few hours a night so I hear you on that. It’s even harder with things on your mind. Maybe some melatonin or Ativan will help, if you haven’t already tried them. Look at it this way, if you were running a heavy cycle you wouldn’t be sleeping right, you’d be uncomfortable, and you’d end up less healthy at the end of it all. Here at least you will come out healthier and ready to be a better you in the end. I wish you the best as always.

[Fluidic Kimbo]

Hopefully you can get or have some green to get you through the process and help you eat and sleep. If you wanna do it the healthier way, use a vaporizer with the dry herb. Arizer Air is an incredible vaporizer.

I would like to share my personal opinion that your situation is a suitable one for a person to ingest cannabis daily.

Then when all of this is over -- This Too Will Pass -- you can find an MA meeting in your area. ( www.marijuana-anonymous.org ).

That last bit was a joke.

I typically don’t have issues with sleep but I’ve been sleeping only a few hours a night so I hear you on that. It’s even harder with things on your mind.

Meditation is my 'go to' if ever I can't sleep. Instead of counting sheep, just keep repeating "This is an In breath, This is an Out breath, This is an In breath, This is an Out breath, This is an In breath, This is an Out breath". If that gets too monotonous then just say "In, Out, In, Out, In, Out". Works for me. This website also helps: https://www.rainymood.com/

[< <Samson> >]

Damn brother, thoughts and prayers.

Life is real. Stay strong

This is coming from you - yikes

Lol


Fuck yeah it’s real, a little too real at times


GL man - you’re the one going straight through it. But, yes - it could always be so much worse. No matter how bad you think you’re own shit is - reality is what’s really got me bent out of shape here lately. . . Usually I don’t have this much time to just hang out & think about it


Thank you weed & weights - without either I wouldn’t even get out of bed

^ and, I’m not even the one with these issues(atm)


Fucking reality

[SampsonandDelilah]

Hey @SampsonandDelilah, how are you doing, brother?

Well week one is in the books, 9 more to go. Managed to keep my calories up but the chemo sides kicked in Tuesday or so and threw up and struggled with food in general. Anything with a smell is tough to be near and even my favorites like coffee and a bagel are a bit of a struggle.

Monday they shot me up with a huge dose of prednisone which made me feel bonkers and had given me some wicked insomnia. Tried everything under the sun and just can’t sleep. The chemo pump they sent me home with is taking some getting used to as well and I get all tangled up in the fucking cord whenever I do try and lie down.

One day at a time though. Still get humbled whenever I go to the infusion suite and see the actual sick people. The ones I wonder if I’ll see next week. My heart goes out to them and then I feel like a big fucking baby for ever complaining or feeling insecure about my body. They’re a sobering reminder that it can always be worse.

The radiation has been going fine, apparently the taxman takes about a week to collect there so just trying to be mindful of how that will feel.

Gonna force myself to exercise this weekend, being lazy and feeling sorry for yourself is a habit that is all too easy to fall in on. I keep visualizing being happy, healthy and strong again and know that it’s within reach. I tell myself now that “ I was born for this” that I can take the punishment, the physical, mental and emotional pounding that’s only 7 days old. That if the universe spares my family and friends from this disease that I’ll gladly be the one to take the lumping. Makes me feel better when I think that way and psych myself up that way when I head to the hospital to get my treatments.

I remind myself of the love and support I have (this place included) and I know that this is temporary.

It’s fucking hard brother, the people and families that fight this battle continually are my new hero’s. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I have sores in my mouth, my skin is cracking and peeling, my stomach is constantly upset and I’m not sure if I’m going to cry or throw up sometimes. It’s a trip.
Still fucking smiling and fighting though and through week 1 my weight has held.

Drawing on this place for inspiration and planning my comeback

Appreciate you checking in brother

[Proximal]

Have lived through this with another family member. They, just like you, were stronger than fuck. To try to add words of encouragement here would be asinine. You are strong & an inspiration, you have this.

[Fluidic Kimbo]

Can you get prescribed medicinal marijuana?

[SampsonandDelilah]

Can you get prescribed medicinal marijuana?

It’s legal where I live. I’ve tried it, doesn’t really help. I’ve found a gummy I can take at night that helps get me sleepy, but doesn’t do much after that.

[XnavyHMCS]

S&D,

Good luck out there brother.

As you know, we are all pulling for you!

You can beat this thing!!!

[Fluidic Kimbo]

It’s legal where I live. I’ve tried it, doesn’t really help. I’ve found a gummy I can take at night that helps get me sleepy, but doesn’t do much after that.

I know that the SSRI's are commonly called antidepressants but really they just make it easier to get out of bed in the morning, and then later in the day you're not half as worrisome when trying to get to sleep.

Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors work by preventing the reuptake of seratonin from the synapses between neurons in the brain. They work exactly how MDMA does, except they are more of a steady consistent release (where as MDMA is more like a dam bursting). I tested this theory out one time by taking a week's supply at once, and it was very similar to my teenage years growing up in a leafy suburb of Dublin, Ireland.

There was a few things that got me through my bereavement four years ago, e.g. prayer, chanting, meditation, long walks, weightlifting, reading biographies of amazing lives, but I reckon the SSRI was high on the list. Not sure how much the Tren helped.

I hope I never go back on an SSRI again, but if life throws me another curveball then it would be my first choice. I was half-considering going on a low dose to get through the isolation in this pandemic, (I live alone), but I've perked up a bit from naked boating on the lake yesterday.