Originally Posted by
Obs
There will be no bs guarantees that everything will be ok in this thread.
This is not soft hearted or for people of weak constitution, be aware.
Twice in my life I was suicidal.
Once when I was in my early 20's and once when my ex wife left me and moved off with my kids.
I would never have "attempted" suicide. I would have succeeded. 7mm RUM's and .45 hydrashocks don't like skull getting in their way.
When I was a kid we had a huge family that was torn to pieces and irreversibly damaged because a young prodigy that held things together ended his life in his mid 20's. I know the damages it causes and to put it bluntly, your life isn't worth causing that much suffering.
Your pain will not end with you taking your own life. It will be compounded 100 fold and distributed to others to carry the rest of their lives.
If you have kids you can understand the thought of how horrible it would be to lose a child. Its not describable in any other way than simply the worst anguish that can be endured.
My father texted me and my sister a while back, drunk, and said he was "going away" and that he loved us, "but can't ctake the pain anymore. Gonna go see Mark." (The last suicide in our family)
I never responded in the group message.
Cold as fuck I suppose, but I wouldn't even bother to stop him. Here is why...
There are parents out there that have held their small childs hand trying to comfort them after suffering through hell for their entire lives. Kids that have no real concept of death or life. Mommy and Daddy are sad and crying, because they gotta go to heaven, but they don't understand it. After the child passes divorce is very common as emotions just are never the same again.
I listened to a story a while back of a man who lost his wife slowly to cancer. Months after she passed his only daughter got the same cancer and passed away at the age of 12. He still has to live with all those memories.
There are people so horribly disfigured, paralyzed, amputees, burn victims, and they have shit harder than most of you can imagine.
You know what the difference between them and you is? They didn't have a fucking choice. You do!
I am going to add a video of a little girl being calmed by her parents in a hospital bed, much the way a dying child is soothed by their parents,9 with diseases. I will spare you the real deal, this girl in this video is ok now.
If you have ever had the displeasure of holding someones hand as cancer takes their last breath as I have, you probably wont be able to watch even this.
Now...
I held this conversations with my self in a psychotic state once. I told myself what a pussy I was being about to put a bullet in my own head, because I was facing 10-30 years in prison, my kids were gone, I had no friend or relative, and my wife was sleeping with someone else.
I ended my pity party with a rage that followed me for a year. Sold the gun the next day. I decided I didn't give a fuck what it took, I would win. I wasn't gonna give up if the world was set on my shoulders. I went through quite a bit of shit, but I won because I finally gave up on giving up.
You can sit and wallow in a depressed sate until you do something stupid and selfish... Or... You can actually give it all you got and turn failing habits into successful ones.
Maybe the only thing you need to do is seek professional help? I personally didn't need it. I used gear and iron to break my bad habits.
The only thing I know for sure is that if you got nothing you got nothing holding you back. Get busy and stay busy. Replace bad behavior with good, hell... Punish yourself by doing productive shit.
I hadn't seen my mother in so long after I got my shit back together, I stood at her doorstep and she did not know who I was for thirty seconds.
I know my mother well enough to know that even though she didn't know what was going on in my life at the time, she prayed for me every night, because she loves her kids.
We fought bad in the past but as you get older you start to see how insignificant that kind of thing is in the grand scheme.
Now I look back where I was and imagine my neighbor coming over to check on me, and finding me dead at my kitchen table.
I imagine my mother getting word that her son had killed himself. Ex-wife, kids, co-workers....
Sorry to say but... My life could never be worth as much suffering as that selfishness would have caused.
SO I MIGHT AS WELL LIVE IT
Today my life is honestly good for the first time ever, but there are no guarantees. Life has shown me time and time again what a bitch it is.
If you are depressed go check out MS's depression thread in his signature, get help somewhere. Its not your fault.
I got out of my suicidal thoughts by falling into the right frame of mind at the right time and it was down to the wire. Most wont be so lucky I fear, so get help.
The next time you think about offing yourself you need to come here and read this.
Stop being a selfish little bitch. It's not about you.
I got to tell my own father this a dozen times in the past. I must say, I said damn near everything I could to help. Last time... Nah...
Go for it Dad, be that selfish! Your wife has worshipped you for 35 years... How about you just tear her heart and soul out? Your two daughters will be crushed and they have already battled with drugs and won.... Maybe they will pick back up where they left off, to numb the pain of your loss.
Me on the other hand, I won't shed a tear for your ass. You saw the pain your best friend killing himself wrought and now you want to do the same to us?
Hopefully this makes a dent in someones head and it will have been worth my effort a million times over.
However bad you think you have it and it may be terrible... Don't be that selfish. This is no fairytale, you will fuck up a lot of lives you won't be around to fix or comfort.
If you need a hug there are plenty to be found. I will hug your ugly ass if no one else will.
Don't be a bitch, light a fire under your feet, move forward, and don't look back with a broken mind.
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