Need some relationship guidance please.

[Amorphic]

Hey guys,

I've been having a pretty hard month so far with my cycle ending and a lot of issues with my last ex.

The brief summary is this. We were serious from Jan-August of last year and things were pretty awesome. I loved the girl to death and gave her everything I had in me. I have pretty high standards for myself and unfortunately i can reflect those same standards on the people i'm with.

I ended up breaking up with her in august because she drank too much and wasnt really accomplishing anything with her life (and didnt seem to want to try).

Fast forward a bit over last august until now. The two of us never really broke things off, we slept together and hung out and were still basically a couple for that entire time. A few other girls entered the picture and a few guys on her side. We played huge games with eachother and totally crushed eachother and broke our hearts in the process.

I was a major dick to her in the time we werent together, basically 'having my cake and eating it too' by sleeping with her and leading her on.

Recently i have been feeling different about things. She still loves me with everything in her and Ive been feeling it again myself. She's hanging out with another guy but they arent officially together and she wont officially be with him since she loves me.

She tells me she wants to be together and that there is a huge future with us but that the time is not right because ive hurt her so badly that she needs to make sure i dont do it again. I've been changing my ways and i can honestly say that if i did have her back i would love and appreciate her and not take things forgranted.

This keeps hurting me though. I cant seem to get her out of my head and the fact that i have to wait to prove to her that i'm being honest and really do love her really stresses me out and plays with my mind. The fact she's with another guy too but she still loves me makes it even worse.

I've had no one to talk to about this so this is the best place i can go to let things out and get some advice on how to either get over this completely or to figure out a way to endure this until i can have her again.

What do you guys think i should do?

[Phate]

damn, well first of all i have to say that there is no right and wrong answer to this, it's all play by feel and instinct


sounds like shes still playing with you by 1)making you prove yourself to her and 2)having another guy that she can get with in a heartbeat if you two don't work out

first off i would tell her that as a show of faith/love/trust whatever she needs to break it off with the guy she's with and then she can give you something to do to prove your faith in her

that will be a building block of trust that you two can use as the base of your new relationship and gives you something to build off

but still, take what i say with a grain of salt as i don't know you or her and i'm just shooting in the dark

[Nitro29]

How old are you two?


Good advice btw phate...nitro

[gixxerboy1]

well if your willing to work and change then she should give you a chance if she still loves you. Maybe take things slow so she can see for herself. But its not fair to you if you are waiting around and she is dating someone else. I would tell her that.

[Amorphic]

damn, well first of all i have to say that there is no right and wrong answer to this, it's all play by feel and instinct


sounds like shes still playing with you by 1)making you prove yourself to her and 2)having another guy that she can get with in a heartbeat if you two don't work out

first off i would tell her that as a show of faith/love/trust whatever she needs to break it off with the guy she's with and then she can give you something to do to prove your faith in her

that will be a building block of trust that you two can use as the base of your new relationship and gives you something to build off

but still, take what i say with a grain of salt as i don't know you or her and i'm just shooting in the dark

yeah we've talked about the other guy, he knows he doesnt compare to me in any way (i'm bigger, smarter, younger, more attractive and a better person). hes fat, poor, lazy but she says he's 'nice'

shes basically using him as a distraction to keep her pain away. I want her to get rid of him though but i see why she is doing what shes doing.

That being said, i cant stand it and want that to change.

She told him that if it came down to choosing between him or me that i would win no contest, so the guys an idiot to be chasing her.

[Amorphic]

How old are you two?


Good advice btw phate...nitro

both 22

[T3/T4 GSR]

My opinion from having been there? This relationship is doomed to old fights and grudges. You can go ahead with it but damage is done and scars never heal.

[JiGGaMaN]

Hey, shes a damn drunk and has nothing going for her. Smarten up. Dont let emotions ruin your reputation and bank account.

[Amorphic]

well if your willing to work and change then she should give you a chance if she still loves you. Maybe take things slow so she can see for herself. But its not fair to you if you are waiting around and she is dating someone else. I would tell her that.

yeah im trying not to pressure her into anything too quickly. all im really trying to do is show her that i am the person she loved unconditionally when things were right and that i am not the person who was hurting her when we broke up.

shes obviously scared of how much emotional weight i can burden her with, i could easily crush her really badly and i dont want to do that. her walls are up.

[Phate]

yeah we've talked about the other guy, he knows he doesnt compare to me in any way (i'm bigger, smarter, younger, more attractive and a better person). hes fat, poor, lazy but she says he's 'nice'

shes basically using him as a distraction to keep her pain away. I want her to get rid of him though but i see why she is doing what shes doing.

That being said, i cant stand it and want that to change.

She told him that if it came down to choosing between him or me that i would win no contest, so the guys an idiot to be chasing her.

i wouldn't say he's an idiot, i'd say he knows he can't get better than her so while he can, he'll try whatever he can, i see it all the time at parties

guy tries to get hot girl
girl regects guy
guy waits till girl is vulnerable
guy trys again
rinse, wash and repeat

[Amorphic]

i wouldn't say he's an idiot, i'd say he knows he can't get better than her so while he can, he'll try whatever he can, i see it all the time at parties

guy tries to get hot girl
girl regects guy
guy waits till girl is vulnerable
guy trys again
rinse, wash and repeat

yeah exactly, he pressured her into being something and knew she was an emotional wreck. of course he will look like a white knight initially. pisses me off.

[Amorphic]

Hey, shes a damn drunk and has nothing going for her. Smarten up. Dont let emotions ruin your reputation and bank account.

she was like that before but i let it slide. shes been working on herself though in the time since we started our relationship and doesnt drink hardly ever anymore.

school and career wise she has a ways to go but shes taking steps to find a career shes interested in. her main problem was that no one ever expected anything of her and that she never had any motivation.

i just want the best for her, for her to live up to her potential. thats all ive ever tried doing for her.

[DSM4Life]

[Phate]

yeah exactly, he pressured her into being something and knew she was an emotional wreck. of course he will look like a white knight initially. pisses me off.

sadly bro, thats part of the game, at least he didn't try what some dude from my school tried, getting her drunk, passed out, then taking her into a back room and trying to rape her

yeah, that didn't go well for him, i put him in the ICU(intensive care unit) for a week

anyway, its all gonna be touch and go, just play it by ear and see what happens, the best thing you can remember is that you can't force a GOOD relationship, so if you find yourself trying to force it to work, just drop it

[Amorphic]

lastly, what do you guys think i can do to make this easier on myself? emotionally i find this incredibly draining. its hard to care so much about someone given the circumstances but i cant seem to stop right now.

[Phate]

she was like that before but i let it slide. shes been working on herself though in the time since we started our relationship and doesnt drink hardly ever anymore.

school and career wise she has a ways to go but shes taking steps to find a career shes interested in. her main problem was that no one ever expected anything of her and that she never had any motivation.

i just want the best for her, for her to live up to her potential. thats all ive ever tried doing for her.

sounds like you might have a knight in shining armor complex, i had it for while and i see it in your words

[Amorphic]

sounds like you might have a knight in shining armor complex, i had it for while and i see it in your words

good or bad thing? care to explain?

[Nitro29]

You are both very young, chances are this is not the person you will spend your life with. Just looking strictly at the odds there, not trying to be cold.

Honestly, sounds like you got a pretty good thing going now. A good friend with benefits, thats hard to beat. If there is a future to be had, it will happen.

I would try to find a way to make sure fatbody gets out of the picture. Dont say anything to him, but give him some bad vibes.

Good luck bro...Nitro

[Phate]

lastly, what do you guys think i can do to make this easier on myself? emotionally i find this incredibly draining. its hard to care so much about someone given the circumstances but i cant seem to stop right now.

only two ways that i can see
1) get back together with her on mutual terms and enjoy the relationship
2) come to terms with the fact that there will never be a relationship and that the girlfriend you once had is dead and from her ashes has risen a possible lifelong friend

[gixxerboy1]

lastly, what do you guys think i can do to make this easier on myself? emotionally i find this incredibly draining. its hard to care so much about someone given the circumstances but i cant seem to stop right now.

the more you think about it the more you torture yourself. Just try and keep busy.

If you have time read the book "the secret" its an easy read and like 100 pages.

[Phate]

good or bad thing? care to explain?

it means that you are attracted to people that need help or that you think you can "fix"(hence trying to help her get motivated and stop her drinking)

then when the relationship breaks, and it almost always does, then you think that if you just get back with them that you can make everything better and help them be a better person etc....trust me, this won't work

[F4iGuy]

No fatty= you show some changes she wants to see and try to work in out. This seems like the best plan.

Fatty= Several options
1) You show the changes she wants, despite fatty, she takes you back AND knows she can contol your ass. The relationship is doomed

2) Tell her that shes not making the effort and walk away from the situation

3) Play games. Its childish but will probably work. Start surrounding yourself with hot women. This might win her back but its a crappy way to do it.

[Amorphic]

thanks for the advice guys. more comments welcome

[warchild]

My opinion from having been there? This relationship is doomed to old fights and grudges. You can go ahead with it but damage is done and scars never heal.

same, plus you dont want a girl who drinks alot. i have been there and done it, it sux

[bigt10]

i dont know dude many different roads to take.

did you just like her cause she was hot or fun to chill with or something or were you serious and wanted a real long term relationship?

[Kratos]

for trying to make your relationship better and less games, she's playing a heck of one with you right now...I'm gonna keep banging this guy until I feel like you have changed? WTF is that?

[Bojangles69]

Hey guys,

I've been having a pretty hard month so far with my cycle ending and a lot of issues with my last ex.

The brief summary is this. We were serious from Jan-August of last year and things were pretty awesome. I loved the girl to death and gave her everything I had in me. I have pretty high standards for myself and unfortunately i can reflect those same standards on the people i'm with.

I ended up breaking up with her in august because she drank too much and wasnt really accomplishing anything with her life (and didnt seem to want to try).

Fast forward a bit over last august until now. The two of us never really broke things off, we slept together and hung out and were still basically a couple for that entire time. A few other girls entered the picture and a few guys on her side. We played huge games with eachother and totally crushed eachother and broke our hearts in the process.

I was a major dick to her in the time we werent together, basically 'having my cake and eating it too' by sleeping with her and leading her on.

Recently i have been feeling different about things. She still loves me with everything in her and Ive been feeling it again myself. She's hanging out with another guy but they arent officially together and she wont officially be with him since she loves me.

She tells me she wants to be together and that there is a huge future with us but that the time is not right because ive hurt her so badly that she needs to make sure i dont do it again. I've been changing my ways and i can honestly say that if i did have her back i would love and appreciate her and not take things forgranted.

This keeps hurting me though. I cant seem to get her out of my head and the fact that i have to wait to prove to her that i'm being honest and really do love her really stresses me out and plays with my mind. The fact she's with another guy too but she still loves me makes it even worse.

I've had no one to talk to about this so this is the best place i can go to let things out and get some advice on how to either get over this completely or to figure out a way to endure this until i can have her again.

What do you guys think i should do?

I think logically you want to really make sure youre through any post cycle issues first.
Second I have to be bold & to the point.

And I'll just quote my thoughts exactly:
"Wait? He broke up with the chick because she drank too much and couldn't get her shit straight. Now shes with some dude, shes telling him they have a future, (basically keeping you on a back burner) but that she was "hurt too badly"?"

Yeh she was hurt SO BADLY, that shes already with another guy.
I'm not trying to make anything worse, understand its hope, desire, and expectation of the unknown that are going to fvck with your mind. You left her because she wouldn't change, and now you're contemplating changing for her? Does that make any sense to you?

If you can't handle the situation, you need to END the situation and REALIZE what the situation is.
How is closure suppose to happen when theres still this tiny thread linking you to her that you won't just snap?
Closure doesn't happen like that.
So my advice, drop it. And that means making up your mind that things are over. And imagine your future w/out her in it.
Because when you go to bed at night, and her face is in your mind, because you still hope maybe something might happen, thats only because you haven't made the decision that it really needs to be over, or *believe it does.

So my advice, BELIEVE IT.

-Bo

[Amorphic]

I think logically you want to really make sure youre through any post cycle issues first.
Second I have to be bold & to the point.

And I'll just quote my thoughts exactly:
"Wait? He broke up with the chick because she drank too much and couldn't get her shit straight. Now shes with some dude, shes telling him they have a future, (basically keeping you on a back burner) but that she was "hurt too badly"?"

Yeh she was hurt SO BADLY, that shes already with another guy.
I'm not trying to make anything worse, understand its hope, desire, and expectation of the unknown that are going to fvck with your mind. You left her because she wouldn't change, and now you're contemplating changing for her? Does that make any sense to you?

If you can't handle the situation, you need to END the situation and REALIZE what the situation is.
How is closure suppose to happen when theres still this tiny thread linking you to her that you won't just snap?
Closure doesn't happen like that.
So my advice, drop it. And that means making up your mind that things are over. And imagine your future w/out her in it.
Because when you go to bed at night, and her face is in your mind, because you still hope maybe something might happen, thats only because you haven't made the decision that it really needs to be over, or *believe it does.

So my advice, BELIEVE IT.

-Bo

good advice.

i'm not sure i posted it before but the thing thats drawn me back is the fact that shes become more of what ive wanted this past year. the drinking stopped and shes trying to better herself.

as for the other guy, it burns my ass the most out of everything.

i talked to her tonight and laid it out pretty clearly. i told her she needs to choose. either she can be brave and risk trying things with me one last time to see if they really can work or if they've always been doomed or she can stick with the douchebag and wonder forever.

i know she isnt happy with him and that no one she can be with will top me so i hate seeing her with this guy.

i dunno, im going to tread carefully but she will have to make up her mind sooner rather than later because i cant handle thinking about her all the time.

[Kratos]

sometimes knowing someone is getting your good pvssy feels like love

[Bullyson]

Wow. Bro, trust an older cat thats been through all that shit. Cut your losses and walk away. All you're doing is scratching at an old scab and it's never going to heal. She is with another guy! That should be all it takes bro! You dont have kids with her. You own no property together. You two are not married...ect... You are young. You will look back on this when your in your 30's and it wont be shit to you. The jelousy will get the better of a man every time. Would you want her back if she was alone? Thats the question of the day. YIS, B.

[Bojangles69]

good advice.

i'm not sure i posted it before but the thing thats drawn me back is the fact that shes become more of what ive wanted this past year. the drinking stopped and shes trying to better herself.

as for the other guy, it burns my ass the most out of everything.

i talked to her tonight and laid it out pretty clearly. i told her she needs to choose. either she can be brave and risk trying things with me one last time to see if they really can work or if they've always been doomed or she can stick with the douchebag and wonder forever.

i know she isnt happy with him and that no one she can be with will top me so i hate seeing her with this guy.

i dunno, im going to tread carefully but she will have to make up her mind sooner rather than later because i cant handle thinking about her all the time.

See this is why whe people say "its always better to dump someone then to get dumped" I say thats def not true at all.
You had a standard and reason why you dumped her.

But you also had control back then over a situation that is not the same situation it is today.

She had more of a reason to get over you then you actually had to get over her. (you dumped her) And for her well being, she prob found a way to get over (insecure rebound guys or w/e girls do)

I don't think shes completely over you.
But I think it might be like when you dumped her you were 65% over her and she was 0% over you.
Now you seem like your 75% over her and shes like 85% over you.

I never think it reaches 100%.
But the person whos always the least over the situation (at the time) is the one whos gonna feel worse.

Her reason to feel better was you dumping her.
Your reason to feel better was your standards.

Now your reason to feel better seems like the guy shes with, which doesn't really have anything to do with you.
So you need a way to make new standards.
The one right now I think should be "I'm not gonna let myself go crazy over something I'm not in control over anymore".

Don't let control beat your ego to shreds.
And last, something I always do.

Imagine a girl in your life who might be out of your league, someone who you think would be perfect for you.
Picture her sitting next to you, with your arm around her, or on top of your cock.

Then ask yourself how much your exs new man is gonna mean to you in that situation. You'll always get closer to what the real meaning should be in the first place.

[Amorphic]

See this is why whe people say "its always better to dump someone then to get dumped" I say thats def not true at all.
You had a standard and reason why you dumped her.

But you also had control back then over a situation that is not the same situation it is today.

She had more of a reason to get over you then you actually had to get over her. (you dumped her) And for her well being, she prob found a way to get over (insecure rebound guys or w/e girls do)

I don't think shes completely over you.
But I think it might be like when you dumped her you were 65% over her and she was 0% over you.
Now you seem like your 75% over her and shes like 85% over you.

I never think it reaches 100%.
But the person whos always the least over the situation (at the time) is the one whos gonna feel worse.

Her reason to feel better was you dumping her.
Your reason to feel better was your standards.

Now your reason to feel better seems like the guy shes with, which doesn't really have anything to do with you.
So you need a way to make new standards.
The one right now I think should be "I'm not gonna let myself go crazy over something I'm not in control over anymore".

Don't let control beat your ego to shreds.
And last, something I always do.

Imagine a girl in your life who might be out of your league, someone who you think would be perfect for you.
Picture her sitting next to you, with your arm around her, or on top of your cock.

Then ask yourself how much your exs new man is gonna mean to you in that situation. You'll always get closer to what the real meaning should be in the first place.

thanks.

so lets take this another direction.

say this wont work and i need to get over her. what can i do to really get myself over her? the whole non communication thing isnt an issue, the main problem is i cant get her out of my head and im always stuck with these what ifs.

the fact shes totally gorgeous makes it hard too as obviously we're all superficial to a degree and i adore the way she looks.

so what can i do to genuinely move on and not just put my feelings on the backburner?

[Bojangles69]

I had to go search a thread a while back about someone who asked something similar.
Literally how do I get over a girl.

A lot of people were coming in saying "stop thinking about her, it will make it harder to forget if you don't".
Its something I disagreed with 100% back then, and still do.

Forgetting starts with thinking, it ALWAYS starts with thinking. It almost universally happens the same way. So I'll copy & paste my response to why you shouldn't "stop thinking about her".

************************************************

This is what you *think, and this is how it may APPEAR.

Thats not what I believe.

EVERYTIME your mind reaches back into its memory banks and recalls "precious moments" or w/e you want to call them, what your mind is actually doing is the OPPOSITE of what it does when you first meet a chick who interests you.

Its called simple "association"

When you meet a new girl for instance, (who your compatable with) she may have things about her that other guys would normally not like, but you will associate good things to her behavoir rather than mark it off as a flaw, all her flaws become virtues. Thus follows the quote "love is blind".

The whole process of "falling in love" is how quick and how strongly we make these associations in our mind.

When you BREAK UP however, your mind does the EXACT OPPOSITE. And this is what people dont really understand. YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THEM IN ORDER TO FORGET THEM (this doesnt apply to everyone but id def say to most ppl with emotions)
Even those who repress the thoughts will have dreams at night, its your minds way of telling you in your sleep - you can't just ignore it.

But the whole point is your now learning to "dissassociate" all these little things about her that you associated with good. And a lot of times people go past the dissassociation stage and start to associate these things over time with BAD things.

The funny thing is how often these bad things actually are a more accurate interpretation of your partner then when you were first in love with them.

My main point being, and you might not be conscious of it. Everytime you think about her. You WILL get a negative feeling now. This is how your mind preserves its well being and psychological health. Because the equation of
thoughts + the negative feeling you get when you have the thoughts = the process of forgetting/dissassociation

Thats why YOU MUST THINK ABOUT THEM TO FORGET THEM.
It is natural. 100%.
Over time (different periods for everyone) you'll wind up reassociating everything you believed about her to a new belief system, one that actually more accurate, and she won't be worth a seconds time in your mind anymore.

regards ~ Bo
************************************************** ******

Let me know if you're unclear about the concept of how it happens.

[Amorphic]

thanks Bo, i understand that and i will think about it.

[Amorphic]

any other words of wisdom or advice guys?

[MATTMAN01]

Awsome info Bo it sure helped me. But time is a great healer, even if you are unsure why cant you go out again ? You dont have to marry her, if it works it works if itdoesnt then youll both know and be a lot more comfortable with it. JMHO. Good luck MM.

[JiGGaMaN]

good advice.

i'm not sure i posted it before but the thing thats drawn me back is the fact that shes become more of what ive wanted this past year. the drinking stopped and shes trying to better herself.

as for the other guy, it burns my ass the most out of everything.

i talked to her tonight and laid it out pretty clearly. i told her she needs to choose. either she can be brave and risk trying things with me one last time to see if they really can work or if they've always been doomed or she can stick with the douchebag and wonder forever.

i know she isnt happy with him and that no one she can be with will top me so i hate seeing her with this guy.

i dunno, im going to tread carefully but she will have to make up her mind sooner rather than later because i cant handle thinking about her all the time.

Dude, you do not realize how much of an idiot you sound like to everyone in the know right now. I promise you there are many girls that are better than her out there. Quit trying to save her. Go for some girls that have shit going for them and dont try and fix this one. You sound like you are in a bad place emotionally, just like others who found themselves in this situation. That includes myself. DONT DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT.

[RuhlFreak55]

*sigh* well i'm a hopeless romantic and in a similar situation or once was kinda......so of course i say don't give up. But i've read too many fantasy books......and i obviously as everyone knows don't even have that much relationship experience.

i don't know the answer here.......Bo seems to usually be right about these things.......but then on the other hand i know it's essentially impossible (for me anyway) to forget and get over someone that i've loved.....i think about her everyday and haven't seen her in 2 years come november.

the heart knows what it wants (in my opinion) so search yourself........and until you can answer that question without doubt or pause you wont have your answer.

[Amorphic]

Awsome info Bo it sure helped me. But time is a great healer, even if you are unsure why cant you go out again ? You dont have to marry her, if it works it works if itdoesnt then youll both know and be a lot more comfortable with it. JMHO. Good luck MM.

Dude, you do not realize how much of an idiot you sound like to everyone in the know right now. I promise you there are many girls that are better than her out there. Quit trying to save her. Go for some girls that have shit going for them and dont try and fix this one. You sound like you are in a bad place emotionally, just like others who found themselves in this situation. That includes myself. DONT DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT.

*sigh* well i'm a hopeless romantic and in a similar situation or once was kinda......so of course i say don't give up. But i've read too many fantasy books......and i obviously as everyone knows don't even have that much relationship experience.

i don't know the answer here.......Bo seems to usually be right about these things.......but then on the other hand i know it's essentially impossible (for me anyway) to forget and get over someone that i've loved.....i think about her everyday and haven't seen her in 2 years come november.

the heart knows what it wants (in my opinion) so search yourself........and until you can answer that question without doubt or pause you wont have your answer.

thanks for the imput guys, you all make very valid points

[lcstriker07]

I was in the exat same scenario man. Thought I loved that girl more than anything. Waited and worked my ass off for her. She played me so hard, but then one day she realized what a catch I was I guess. She had a complete change of heart. She took me back after all my hard work, tears, and gained trust. Next day I looked back on it all and still not sure why, but changed my mind about everything. It was like I had finally found my holy grail just to stick an m80 in it and blow it up. I dumped her and havn't looked back. That was like 4 years ago btw. I've had several relationships since then but that one was by far the most F'd up. She still hates me from what I hear. LOL