AR's Common Sense Ninja
Oh, and despite your urge and desire to fuk that guys shit up.... If you do that, your relationship is fuked no matter what you do.... believe me. Kicking the shit out of him is not an option...... yet.
Remember, Revenge is a dish best served cold, and in this case very cold. You can get him in a year or 2.... or have some friends do it so there will be no affiliation to you
Member
Stigmata, this story just touched me because I know exactly what you are going through.
My fiancee (together for 4 years) did the same thing with a coworker. She used to come home and leave her cell phone on the kitchen island every day after work. One day it stopped, she hid it al lthe time when she showered or even laid in bed with me. I ended up getting suspicious after I saw a 22 minute conversation one morning after I left for work. Some weeks later I caught her in a parking lot of a guys car at a bar nonetheless "Oh it's nothing, we're just friends and we were talking about you". bullshit, not buying and the story is much worse then I am telling. I was able to get in to her online phone account and found she had been texting and calling him for 3 months. She used to come home late from work in a bad mood, didnt want sex or any conversation because she was 'tired'. Turns out that she would come home in this mood so we would go to bed and I would fall asleep so she could sneak around the house and talk to him. I tried to deal with it for a couple weeks and try and make things right even as she promised me they wouldnt talk anymore (it was a lie according to her phone account). So I took action, took the keys to the house and her car (all in my name), took the ring and the dog and decided to move on with my life. It hurt more than anything you could imagine. Both of our entire families were very close.
Sometimes you gotta do whats best for you. I really do believe that if they cheat once they'll cheat again. She cannot be trusted bro, and as long as she works with this guy it's going to continue.
I guarantee you she is still lying to you. You'll never be able to trust her again and here's what will happen every fuc*ing day of your life. You will constantly be asking bullshit like "who ya texting, why did it only take you 15 minutes to get home yesterday and 40 minutes today". This will make you go insane!!!!!!!
I know you worship the ground she walks on as I did my ex fiancee, but you gotta let her go man.
FTR, I moved on and fell in love with an amazing girl and I have no regrets!
Last edited by NMacFar; 07-27-2010 at 02:02 PM.
Senior Member
this is exactly what is happeningOriginally Posted by NMacFar
Banned
I don't get what all of the "BEAT HIS ASS" posts are all about??? That's the WORST thing to do in this situation, as it solves nothing and just brings about even more anger (and possibly even worse consequences) for you.
The dude she is cheating with is not the center of the problem: it's HER. You need to solve the issue regarding her. You might beat his ass, but she could just as easily go on to fvck 10 more different guys after him. Who knows, maybe she has already fvcked more guys than him. Get my point?
Your goal here is to solve the problem, not the product of the problem. I've been cheated on before BADLY, and you know what? I focused my attention on my cheating girlfriend. I didn't give 2 shits about the guy, since it could have been any guy, so what use is it breating up on the guy she cheated with? SHE is the cheater.
Anabolic Member
I support this 100 percent. Deal with her in a civilized manner. She is the one that worked so diligently to keep this guy in the picture.
And here is another sad part. Since he cheated with a married woman, and she cheated while married, they will end in turmoil, and it will be a cycle.
It's garbage, and you're too good to get your hands dirty bro.
That loser is divorced, and probably for this very reason.
Senior Member
sorry to hear that man, even though iv never been married iv had something similar happen with a gf and a "guy friend" of hers...she takes you for granted and once she realizes she doesnt have you anymore she will wake up and really want to come back to you, only thing is if you think shes worth it
~VET~ Extraordinaire~
exactly. That guy has no commitment or relationship with you. She does. He was just some single guy talking to a girl. She is a married woman. She is in the wrong not him.
New Member
if i had to ride the bus id cheat on you also.
Anabolic Member
Wow, really? That is a pathetic thing to post. Another valued member on the AR board.
Junior Member
Don't beat the chit out of this guy...it'll only make her have sympathy for him. The bottom line is it's her fault, not his, he's the one who's single.
I hate to have to add this, but it doesn't seem as though she has him out of her system. What happens the next time she feels alone?
I would talk to her, and highlight the important things. She may find comfort in this fella, who may seem just perfect as he's obviously willing to be at her beck and call whenever she wants him, but she has to ask herself a few questions about this guy. Why was he divorced? If he really was a true friend he wouldn't be trying to get in the way of her marriage and would help her work it out, that's what friends do. Ask her if she is in love with him. Ask the awkward questions and watch her response. Has he told her he loves her? Has she told him she loves him? If she tells you no..he hasn't told her he loves her...then make this point: So she is willing to destroy her marriage to you, a man she supposedly loves, for a guy who hasn't even told her he loves her! Does she think so little of you, to not value you at all? --- Isn't she going to look stupid at this point
So what's she going to do? Ask her the question straight. Put the scenario to her. So she leaves you, hooks up with this guy, and suddenly is now a mother...it's a package deal. She get's him, she also get's his kids. It ain't going to seem so rosie when she thinks it's all going to be romantic nights in, cuddling, when his kids are now sitting in between them. Having to deal with their resentment at this new woman taking their fathers attention away from them. Is she ready for that? So she feels taken for granted now, wait until she has his kids expecting her to cook food for them when they want it, and in the end, he's just looking for a replacement mother for his kids, and someone to be wifey again. It'll only be a matter of time before he'll be taking her for granted too. they'll eventually get into the throes of a normal relationship, he'll be going to work, and she'll be at home cooking, cleaning, and now raising kids that aren't hers!! Sounds just perfect, huh!!!
This is a typical 'the grass is greener on the other side'...as women don't compromise and live without, they go find what they want elsewhere.
Ask yourself this though, do you believe you could have kids with her? When the stress gets too much, sleepless nights, crying babies all day long, kids not wanting to sleep in their own beds because of monsters in the cupboard, and getting in between you every available moment, not being able to go out together alone, etc, do you think she'll go off searching once again for an escape from real life? Do you think you could trust her to be this committed?
She may think this guy has always been there for her...but so have you, and you've been the one who's been supporting her as well. She has to know when you married her, you meant it, and took it seriously. You thought she did too, and that she has let you down. For this, you're disappointed in her. She should have come to you if she had a problem with the relationship.
If she's really the one...you are going to have to find a way to forgive her. I hope it doesn't turn out that you'll end up constantly giving more and more of yourself trying to make her happy that you lose a part of yourself doing so, and forget to do the things that make you happy.
I've known a few relationships where the woman has had a moment of weakness and realised the mistake, and came back to her man, and they've lived a very good life together thereafter. The difference with these situations, is that the woman realised the mistake. The woman came back to her man.
You could always go to him, tell him you're not going to break his arms, or anything...seeing as he has kids. Tell him you want to know what his intentions are. What does he want from her? Get the feeling whether he's just trying to get in her knickers, or whether he really loves her. Make sure he knows that you love her too, and that you're not going to give her up unless she doesn't want you anymore. But there's nothing he can give her that you can't. the reason why I say talk to her and him, is that you are not the bad guy here...you can hold your head high and confront them, make them uneasy, take them out of this comfort zone they're hiding in. You have the upper hand, you know what they're doing, and you're calling them out on it. If he truly is in love with your wife, there's nothing anyone can do to stop him....if a visit from you scared him and made him give her up, he's not in love, he's just trying to get laid. By the sound of it, she hasn't a clue what she wants. If she was truly in love with this guy, she wouldn't be telling him she has to try with you. She's just looking for an escape, at the cost of your mental health.
The fact is...he may think she's freaking wonderful, but if she leaves you for him, it's only a matter of time before she does it again - I mean, she did it to you.
It's lust. Lust blocking all reasoning.
Be honest with yourself. Do you want to live with someone who is always going to make you question the security of your relationship?
In the end, only she can decide what she wants, but you can control whether you wish to continue with this uncertainty, or not.
I understand that you have put alot of time into this relationship, and just walking straight out without trying is not an option for you, this is why I write this way, kind of a diplomatic approach.
I wish you the best.
Good luck
Last edited by rbg; 08-01-2010 at 03:29 AM.
Anabolic Member
What ever happened to a woman being faithful and waiting for her man to come home from from work even if it meant weeks at a time.i know this aint the fuc***g 1800's but come on she cant wait 4 days.looks like when u come home from work you have to hit that shit like 2 times a day until she cant take it anymore or u can do it twice but make sure you hold her after and tell her u love her thats what she wants from you..or bounce and fu** that hoe
AR's Whore D'Oeuvre
Too much about partying/drinking/money/fake tits etc these days
Member
All the "beat his ass comments are retarded" The guy is a scumbag to get involved with a married woman thats for certain, but you beating his ass will get you into trouble and also sink you right down to his level. We're grown ups, not 4th graders. Handle this situation with class and dignity.
The I love him but I'm not "in" love with him comment is not good.
You need to sit her down and ask her........Do you want to be with me for the rest of your life? Do you want to be in love with me?
Give her a couple days to really think about that, if the answer is yes,
You need to rewind back to the day you first met this girl, bring back the spontanuity, the crazyness, the fun of a relationship in it's first stages...but most importantly, be there emotionlly for her, you said you havn't been for the past year so you have some work to do on yourself to make that happen.
Although I don't condone any type of cheating and she was 100% wrong.....she was looking for something you we're not providing.......like Jaime Lee Curtis in True Lies....remember?
I wish you the best my friend, but be tall, strong and confident toward her though out this whole...tell her what she did cut you deep, but you take some of the responsibility....and you want to make it right.....if she had sex with him tho.....thatis the ultimate betrayel in my book...and she deserves no second chance...a lot of guys have been where you are now. Feel your pain buddy...keep your head up and be POSITIVE!
Associate Member
Good luck.
Last edited by Failure; 09-17-2010 at 01:03 AM.
Banned
Everything Snax said is right.
The only thing i'll keep pressing is not to go after the guy she cheated with. This should never be done in ANY situation in which there is someone cheating on someone else. Go punch a pillow, you'll get the exact same result - only without the potential of being charged with assault and being sent to the slammer.
And it's tough, but just as everyone said, you have to leave this woman or you'll become neurotic for the rest of your life for as long as you're with her. Best thing to do is sit down with her for a talk, keep a nice collective and calm tone (DO NOT under ANY circumstances explode or yell or even give the slightest hint that you're angry), and tell her it is over and explain why. Then get the divorce process going.
One final tip: think logically, not emotionally. That's one of the things that separates males males apart from females. Never do anything based on emotion, always use your brain, always use logic.
The Real Deal - AR-Platinum Elite- Hall of Famer
Damn right.
Disclaimer-BG is presenting fictitious opinions and does in no way encourage nor condone the use of any illegal substances.
The information discussed is strictly for entertainment purposes only.
Everything was impossible until somebody did it!
I've got 99 problems......but my squat/dead ain't one !!
It doesnt matter how good looking she is, some where, some one is tired of her shit.
Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Great place to start researching ! http://forums.steroid.com/anabolic-s...-database.html
CHEMICALLY ENGINEERED
jump ship my friend... she already has
or you'll go down sinking.
The Real Deal - AR-Platinum Elite- Hall of Famer
It will never stop, its just a matter of how long are you going to let this happen to you. Walk away, she doesnt love you.
Disclaimer-BG is presenting fictitious opinions and does in no way encourage nor condone the use of any illegal substances.
The information discussed is strictly for entertainment purposes only.
Everything was impossible until somebody did it!
I've got 99 problems......but my squat/dead ain't one !!
It doesnt matter how good looking she is, some where, some one is tired of her shit.
Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Great place to start researching ! http://forums.steroid.com/anabolic-s...-database.html
Productive Member
LEAVE THE DUDE ALONE!!!!! SHE BETRAYED your trust, not him he's just a douche doing what guys do! HE owes you NOTHING, SHE owes you Respect, loyalty, trust, understanding and comunication. SHE IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!
Temptation is all over the place it's her job to avoid it and RESPECT YOU.
Sooo you beat this dude up guess where her sympathy will go? you think to you? NOPE m,y man your fooling yourself. She'll feel sorry for him not you REMEMBER, SHE put you in this situation in the first place.
Let her go and move on!!!
BELIEVE, you deserve better cause no one deserves to be treated like that!!!!! NO it's NOT ur fault it's hers!!! Don't let her make you question yourself because of her misguided actions.
Yeah it maybe the hardest thing you ever have to do but happiness is waiting somewhere.
Once a liar always a liar you let her roll on you this time, even if she stays it's only a matter of time before it happens again.
Good luck, be strong for yourself!
xxxl83
Productive Member
OH and don't beat yourself up everyone goes through it, like the song says "everyone plays the fool sometimes" no shame in that. You're just a good dude believing in the one person who is supposed to be there for better or worse and all that jazz. You can't help someone whom you trust lying to you.
xxxl83
Senior Member
I know all you guys are right and i think deep down inside I know it's over but Im finding it really hard to let go. I mean like I said this is all so out of character for her. I talked to one of her good friends this morning and she said she still wants to try but you guys are making alot of sense. Im kinda thinking to maybe stick with her and see if she does it again. I mean if she does then I guess it's over......I can't get hurt any more than I already have been.
Anabolic Member
1. Like last time
2. Like last time
3. Want to make a bet?
You are deceiving yourself right now.
Remember how hard she worked to keep this guy in her life? She changed the name in the phone to hide it. There is something there, and you cannot get rid of an idea.
What chances will you give her this time, that you didn't give her last time?
Ask yourself, what does she have to DO that causes you to make up your mind? Write a response in your next post. I would like to know.
Senior Member
If she texts or calls him one more time then that will be enough for me to make the decision that I don't want to make but I will have to make, which is divorce I guess.
CHEMICALLY ENGINEERED
Im in a similar situation and reading this makes me wanna lose it and go ballistic.
I need a ****ing drink...
Productive Member
Stig, it's ur life and you will do what you will. That being said ..... you are in for a long painful road.
Know what the worst part will be? you'll remember this thread and HATE YOURSELF for not listening to good, honest, logical (unemotional) advice.
xxxl83
Senior Member
You guys are all making valid points but Iv'e never loved someone so much so I guess I'm holding onto hope......but I know what will have to happen if she does lie to me again.
Senior Member
She didn't 'cheat' she is having a LOVE AFFAIR with him my friend. She is all wrapped up in him friendship wise, romantically, emotionally, as well as physically. This is the truth of the matter. She is very invested in, and has been very invested in this relationship with this man. She has repeatedly lied to you about the whole situation. Can she change?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
You say you have not been there for her emotionally/romantically/whatever. I believe you. This may be why she went to this guy, I have no idea. I also can not live your life for you but would think that she should have talked with you about her concern for the missing emotional connection/romance and also thoughts of cheating rather than just going down that path. My wife did that (talk to me about this) and didn't cheat.
I have been with hundreds of women, a LOT of them married woman, especially when I was younger, like 19-26 being with married women older than me a lot. I didn't have love affairs with them but there are lots of women who see a free round trip ticket to pleasure island without getting caught as a great opportunity. Your wife took a very long, very romantic vacation with this guy while you were off working (and shopping, and sleeping, and missing her, and worrying about her, etc, etc, etc).
Life sucks sometimes, in different ways for different people. I'm not going to give you advice. Good luck.
p.s. Here is some advice lol If you do decide to get divorced, make sure you hide money and assets (I actually think you should start doing that now regardless), and lock your wife out of any credit either before you tell her or asap after you tell her. Also hide all your gear and anything else that could potentially damage you in a divorce and saver evidence of her relationship with this guy, as much as you can get, including asking her to write you a full apology of what she did and why she is sorry (don't tell her it is for potential evidence in a potential future divorce though lol).
Divorce is f'ed up. Women will nail your ass to the wall BAD, even good women. Cover your ass and make sure you have hers in a sling so you can't get screwed if you do divorce. If she is willing to basically live a married life with another man while married to you, what do you think she will be willing to do if you tell her you are going to leave her? My wife is as loyal as a mo fo but when I took my ring off and told her I wanted a divorce all hell reigned loose. Now I'm working to get in the position of puppet master over her so I can get away clean. Most people don't worry about getting away clean unless robbing a bank, I just want to live my life abuse free and have to dig up land mine's and shit before I can get out. lol Learn from that part of my mistake. My wife is holding shizat of mine hostage lol I'm on mission difficult: Get back incriminating gear after convincing my wife I am not leaving. Now she is chasing my ass and dancing to my tune. I would have been a lot better if she didn't cut off a lock with a hack saw to steal shit that could get me locked up lol, I thought she threw it out, I drop the D bomb and find out she didn't, as well as has some other shit of mine that I need to get back....
don't trust women. and a woman scorned..... hell man ..... i'd much rather have some murderous husband after my ass after humping his wife than having to unravel the mess I am in with my wife...
Last edited by 40plusnewbie; 07-27-2010 at 05:02 PM.
New Member
Mate, I'm about to give you the most valuable advice on this board. Talk it out with her, lay all your cards on the table. But don't let your emotions run wild that you won't be able to control yourself. Tell her how you feel, listen to her, come to a conclusion and a resolution. No matter what happens, there is only an outcome. And both of you have to reach the same decision. By the sounds of her letter she wrote, she's still willing to be there for you and still loves you enough to try to work it out and stay with you. Being a married man myself, you took an oath that you will love and cherish each other and work through the things that trouble your marriage. From your post, all i hear is that you only confronted her lies, made her feel bad but didn't make her realize the consequences. Thus, snowballing this situation every time she was caught. But if you had have voiced your concerns, emotionally, telling her how it hurt you, then it would have hit home for her. If she cares enough to want to stay and "stick it out", then she cares enough to listen and look at how she's hurting you to stop well and truly. If she doesn't stop, even after you have FINALLY opened up emotionally, then you will just have to walk away, one of the hardest things to do...But will be healthier for the both of you.
And to top this all off, since this IS a steroids forum, I have to finish off with something steroid related.
steroids.
Knowledgeable Member
I also don`t want to sound harsh because you are dealing with an unfortunate situation you didn`t ask for. But the amount of lies she has consistently told you indicate to me this is way to deep and she probably was screwing him the whole time. I say drop her now before you end up more hurt or worse. You can`t go on living having anxiety attacks and always having to check behind her back. What will it take you walking in on them having sex? then what........
Anabolic Member
My two cents. This is a problem between you and your woman. This other dude is inconsequential. Doesn't matter who he is, it could have been anyone. I think everybody makes mistakes, and there should be room in the heart to forgive once for the same sin. You need to take a real sober look at this situation.
1. You will always have to pull guard duty with this woman as long as you are with her (trust) - this is HIGH maintenance and a helluva lot of work, stress, and hassle.
2. It appears she has betrayed your marriage, your trust, and your love.
3. On top of that, even after she has been caught multiple times, she goes to great lengths to conceal her activity. She really is leading a double life. One of them she would rather you did NOT know about.
She acts as if she is very young, needs alot of attention, and she feels justified that if you do not provide immediate gratification, then she will go outside the marriage to find it.
Be very, very thankful you do not have children with this woman. Emotionally she is not stable enough to be married to you. I'm surprised you have taken as much shit from her as you have. She must be extremely hot and GIB? Is the only reason you seem hypnotized by her? You need to step up, and give this monagomously challanged woman the boot. Or you can turn in your man card. Your choice.
The Real Deal - AR-Platinum Elite- Hall of Famer
She doesnt love you anymore.......if she loved you she would have cut the shit out when you first came to her and she realized she was hurting you. She doesnt care anymore , she had the perfect thing going. You would leave town and she could go be with him and still wouldnt have to get divorced. She had her cake and was eating it too.
Disclaimer-BG is presenting fictitious opinions and does in no way encourage nor condone the use of any illegal substances.
The information discussed is strictly for entertainment purposes only.
Everything was impossible until somebody did it!
I've got 99 problems......but my squat/dead ain't one !!
It doesnt matter how good looking she is, some where, some one is tired of her shit.
Light travels faster then sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Great place to start researching ! http://forums.steroid.com/anabolic-s...-database.html
~AR's Nice Guy
its done man, im sorry it happened but its done. youll find it easier to get over if you bring yourself to leave her then wait for her to leave you. good luck
AR's Whore D'Oeuvre
I haven't read all the posts bro, but I know the feeling all too well. I have a divorce thread here in the lounge as well, and the guys have given me some great advice so far. I caught my wife sex chatting with an ex, and now she is hanging with an ex that I literally took under my own wing, dude came to our wedding and everything...so it feels like a low blow and total disrespect.
However I disagree with kicking his ass. He doesn't owe you shit, just like my wifes ex who was supposed to be my "friend" doesn't owe me shit. They had a history first. Bottom line is SHE is married to you, not this guy. She should have more respect for you as a wife, she should know where to draw the line. Kicking his ass will change nothing in the situation for the better. She made the commitment and she is the one that you should EXPECT to show you some respect. Trust me man, I know exactly how bad it hurts. The last thing I ever wanted to lose was my wife bro. Hell, I just made her a nurse and thought we were going to have some cushion, instead I got shafted. You have made attempt after attempt to get her to stop talking to this guy, and it has yet to work.
One of the hardest things I am still learning, you speak of having panic attacks and your mind going a million miles a minute. You are worried to death, having friends drive by his house to check on her. Now from an outsiders perspective...should you have to feel that way about your own WIFE? If there is anyone that you should be able to trust, it should be her. You're in a marriage, this isn't high school anymore. I see get out before it gets worse.
Knowledgeable Member
Once you are over the pain of the lost attachment, you will be a better man for this experience.
Look to make changes in your life style and only look forward... it will help with the healing.
Ron Paul Nuthugger
I'm not even reading all that bullshit, **** that lying **** and move on with your life and come to the realization that marriage is a goddamn sham these days, it is obsolete.
***No source checks!!!***
Knowledgeable Member
get out of denial and find a better woman. game over.
Senior Member
I know what you're going though. I wasnt married, but I was with someone for a long time. In that time, we broke up numerous times. Whether it be because she wasn't ready to date/wanted to be single, or because her ex came back around. I told her I loved her and I did. She did it to me God knows how many times. All of HER friends told me to move on and I treated her way too good and she didn't deserve me. I always thought she'd change and she would realize that we were meant to be with each other.
The last time I talked to her she said she cant be with me right now but maybe in the future it would work out. I told her I would not be there when she figures her shit out. I've come to find in the last few weeks she has been asking my friends about me, ect. There's no turning back. A woman who makes you hurt as bad as you have (I know the pain very well) will continue to find ways to make you hurt. Take a step back and just look at all the pain she's caused you and I hope you find a way to move on.
Thats my .02
AR's Italian Tonic
Damn Stig I'm sorry you're going through this man.. my wife and I have been on the brink of divorce and its no fun at all. This is up to you.. your mind will change a thousand times and your emotions will be like the stock market. I agree with some of the opinions above, but only you know how you can handle this in the long term. If you're the type of individual who will have something in the back of your head forever then maybe its best to end it.. the last thing you want to do is live your life paranoid as to whether or not your wife is being faithful. On the filp side of the coin, if you know in your heart that you can move on from this and forgive her and that you won't question her going forward then try to make it work if its what you want. The question is, does she want it. .and if the answer is no, due to you not being there for her, can you repair it? If its what you want then hopefully yes..
From a general standpoint, I would be inclined to say end it.. there's damage here that I personally would not be interested in dealing with or repairing (hell, and I have kids).. but if you love her that much man.. at the end of the day, its your call. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
IG
'everything louder than everything else'
blow town my friend, even if she did drop him your mind never will drop it. trust gone, game over. plenty of nice women out there, no need to settle for someone that cruel.
Senior Member
Thanks for all the advice guys....Still not sure what to do but fate will play out in the end I guess. I really do appreciate all the input. Sometimes things are more clear from an outsiders perspective.
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