creating my own hell through self destruction

[Tren Bull]

i want to share a little something with all of you... its some pretty deep, personal thoughts ive been having for a long time that i finally wrote down.



its 4 pm. ive been laying in bed all day... i have this feeling that i should get up and do something, but for the life of me i cant find the motivation to move. all i can think of is how i need to lay perfectly still and let my scrawny ass body heal as much as possible before i tear it up again.

but what for? ive been busting my ass in the gym for years, and the only girl
i wanted to impress doesn't seem to notice, regardless of how many heavy cycles i do. immediately i feel an overwhelming depression come over me, and i almost unintentionally raise my right hand and punch myself in the side of the head. seconds later i follow it up with 2 more... i feel the pain swell up in my head, as if my head was being compressed in a vice.

YOU LIKE THAT MOTHERFU_KER??? il show you pain... il drown you in your own pain.

damn, i can almost feel that .45 barrel on my forhead... i wish someone would kill me before i lose all self control and end it myself... you know, no one would notice or care if i died. so il just take a moment to visualize every person that ive got love for, telling me they dont give a sh_t about me. my family... my friends... i can see every individual person telling me that i can just go shoot myself in the head for all they care.

but there is one person that i continue to dwell on... (can you guess who it is???) elizabeth... and i can hear her in my head telling me she never loved me... telling me she just got done sucking my friends dick and that shes going back for seconds.

HAHAHAHA, hey matt, remember that time liz told you theres guys in highschool that are bigger than you? remember the time she re-enacted how she was fu_king that guy from martinez??? remember that time she told you she was gonna break up with her boyfriend to be with you, but a week later she changed her mind? remember your 23rd birthday when liz told you all about her unofficial boyfriend from culinary school? remember all the times she rejected you? unfortuneately i do remember. it makes me want to stab myself through the head with a large butchers knife... THATL FIX EVERYTHING WON'T IT?

isnt it funny how ive been dwelling on this sh_t for years, and liz probably forgot all about it? out of sight, out of mind?? not quite

i think i have an inner demon, which manifests itself by me deliberately hurting myself. i swear, i can almost see and feel it just beneith my skin, tearing me up from the inside out. its almost like i am my own worst enemy. i told jessica how i feel towards myself, but i dont think she understands. why in the world would i want to inflict pain on myself? even i do not know the answer

[perfectbeast2001]

Dude I would go get some councilling or help. Sounds like you are really low.

[Hackamaniac]

Yes, a therapist could help..
Hang in there..If you've hit rock bottom all you can do is go up

[Tren Bull]

Dude I would go get some councilling or help. Sounds like you are really low.

oh its all good bro, i got 15 pounds of oatmeal and over 200 eggs... thats all the help i need for right now

[RA]

You need to go see the doc quick tren. What your feeling is no joke.

[Tren Bull]

You need to go see the doc quick tren. What your feeling is no joke.

i dont know what a doctor could do for me. plus i dont want to be put on prozac

[Schmidty]

oh its all good bro, i got 15 pounds of oatmeal and over 200 eggs... thats all the help i need for right now

**** yeah look at the bright side of things. I think youi need to do a cycle that will bring you up a bit

[RA]

i dont know what a doctor could do for me. plus i dont want to be put on prozac

There are several different kinds. Let me tell you I know first hand. You have some of the same symptoms my wife had and her family doc put on her on quick. It will change your whole outlook on life.

[Tren Bull]

**** yeah look at the bright side of things. I think youi need to do a cycle that will bring you up a bit

hmm, one cycle doesnt sound like enough. i think il do 25 more cycles... see how i feel then

[gixxerboy1]

i dont know what a doctor could do for me. plus i dont want to be put on prozac

Some times getting shit out helps. Or maybe the doc can give you ideas on how to deal with stuff. You can refuse meds. Good luck

[Tren Bull]

Some times getting shit out helps. Or maybe the doc can give you ideas on how to deal with stuff. You can refuse meds. Good luck

i agree, talking things out can definately help. my bros here at AR definately helped me through some bad times, and i sincerely appreciate it

[shifty_git]

This girl know how you feel about her?
If not its the best place to start - then you know where you stand...

If she doesnt know you might be surprised by her reaction... anything she has said in the past maybe to get you 2 notice her or feel jealous so u make your move...

If she does know and isn't interested then put her in your past, as you know if it isnt a 2 way thing then shes not the one for you...

6 billion people on this planet, half of them female - there's bound to be atleast one more who is your perfect girl.... you just havent met her yet

[305GUY]

sounds like you need a female in your life BAD!! you need to seriously get over that girl elizabeth ASAP and find a new chick.. you also need to tell yourself that females just have one thing you want .PUSSY. that's it.. emotions and feelings just get in the way.. now go twist up a blunt and call an escort over.

[Tren Bull]

This girl know how you feel about her?
If not its the best place to start - then you know where you stand...

If she doesnt know you might be surprised by her reaction... anything she has said in the past maybe to get you 2 notice her or feel jealous so u make your move...

If she does know and isn't interested then put her in your past, as you know if it isnt a 2 way thing then shes not the one for you...

6 billion people on this planet, half of them female - there's bound to be atleast one more who is your perfect girl.... you just havent met her yet

yea she knows how i feel about her, but shed rather tell me about all these other "hot guys" shes been fu_king than let me hold her hand

[shifty_git]

yea she knows how i feel about her, but shed rather tell me about all these other "hot guys" shes been fu_king than let me hold her hand

then loose her dude - seems like she dont care about anyone than her self and her stories.... (sorry 2 b harsh)

if you are prepared to share ya feelins on here then ya obviously a sensitive nice guy who actually has feelings... im sure there many girls that would love to be with a guy with a decent body and feelings!!!

dont look at the pain she's caused you, think of the happiness you give other people and could be giving to a girl that appreciates it...

go find that girl dude!

[QuieTSToRM33]

tren .... ive been telling u since the day i met you bro ........ get rid of her .... get her out of ur head ..... stop running back to her ... she's nothing but trouble.

You need to cut her off .... for good. The fact that you've been lifting and juicing in order to "impress" this girl is absolutely bullshit. You should be doing that for you ... no one else.

Move on ... find another chick .... fall in love with some beautiful girl at school.

The bottom line is that you need to forget about "her" ... dont think about her ... dont say her name .... dont call her or answer when she calls ... do whateva you can.

You know I'm telling u this as a bro .... as we've talked about this in the past.

[shifty_git]

tren .... ive been telling u since the day i met you bro ........ get rid of her .... get her out of ur head ..... stop running back to her ... she's nothing but trouble.

You need to cut her off .... for good. The fact that you've been lifting and juicing in order to "impress" this girl is absolutely bullshit. You should be doing that for you ... no one else.

Move on ... find another chick .... fall in love with some beautiful girl at school.

The bottom line is that you need to forget about "her" ... dont think about her ... dont say her name .... dont call her or answer when she calls ... do whateva you can.

You know I'm telling u this as a bro .... as we've talked about this in the past.

spot on advice bro -

i know she maybe all you can think about at the moment, but cut her out of your life - its her thats missing out, not you.

and i've had a m8 kill himself over a girl, cause he though she was the only thing in his life, thought none of his friends cared about him, and though she was everything...

i know this is selfish advice, but look after number one... just find a decent number two to back ya up... not a number two whos ganna f**k with ya head...

[Hellmaskbanned]

Oh I feel that everyday I wake up.

No happyness , What one ****ing friend, No gf's , Hell It's been years since I've had one.
But you know what?
Do I care about that?
**** No. I don't care about relationships happiness, being alone this long has made me Phobic....Dont touch me dont know me. Phobic....PHOBIC!

But do I care ??? Sometimes...Do I feel lonely???? Sorta....Do I like to be now??? Yes & No.

THey only thing that matters to me is being better than everyone on this ****ing planet at what I do. Beat everyone and go down in history. I dont want to be another ****ing nobody or whos that? oh he was some big guy...HAHAH give me a ****ing break.

Tren , lol quit being a pussy. Life sucks, deal with it, and do somthing about it, which Im sure your trying. But to dwell over a girl like that is pretty comical. I was like that when I was 18 jealous of who a girl dated trained & tried to get her attention. Obsessed wioth her. Now a year later, I see her as a slutty white trash that I wouldnt **** with your dick. Times change, dont let little things like that make such a negative impact on you.

[stunner5000pt]

tren bull i told u in th past and im going ot sya this again

this obsession with liz is overboard

you need to get over her... even i get over the bitches... lovely ladies... that string me along

in fact i get rid of them like a band-aid, one quick swipe and its gone and throw it in the garbage like it never existed

[audis4]

I'll pray for ya man!
Keep your head up man and move on.
p.s. we need to whore it up tren!!

[Lavinco]

Damn Tren,

Lay off the gear and find someone new that fills in that hole in your heart!

A good new woman has always been the cure for me when i'm heart broke.

[needsomehelp]

I agree lay off the gear....If your talking about suicide to the outside world, your probably more serious than you think. Prozac is not the end of the world and is often only for a particular period of time. If you Cycle hard, the off times can depress the shit out of you.

As far as this Elizabeth...f**k her. if your ripped you can nail any girl..and if it's about love, your in love with what sound like a mean bitch, if not mean whore. Talk this out with a proffessional.

[needsomehelp]

I agree lay off the gear....If your talking about suicide to the outsaide world, your probably more serious than you think. Prozac is not the end of the world and is often only for a particular period of time. If you Cycle hard, the off times can depress the shit out of you.

As far as this Elizabeth...f**k her. if your ripped you can nail any girl..and if it's about love, ytour in love with what sound like a mean bitch, if not mean whore. Talk this out with a proffessional.

[Bojangles69]

i want to share a little something with all of you... its some pretty deep, personal thoughts ive been having for a long time that i finally wrote down.



its 4 pm. ive been laying in bed all day... i have this feeling that i should get up and do something, but for the life of me i cant find the motivation to move. all i can think of is how i need to lay perfectly still and let my scrawny ass body heal as much as possible before i tear it up again.

but what for? ive been busting my ass in the gym for years, and the only girl
i wanted to impress doesn't seem to notice, regardless of how many heavy cycles i do. immediately i feel an overwhelming depression come over me, and i almost unintentionally raise my right hand and punch myself in the side of the head. seconds later i follow it up with 2 more... i feel the pain swell up in my head, as if my head was being compressed in a vice.

YOU LIKE THAT MOTHERFU_KER??? il show you pain... il drown you in your own pain.

damn, i can almost feel that .45 barrel on my forhead... i wish someone would kill me before i lose all self control and end it myself... you know, no one would notice or care if i died. so il just take a moment to visualize every person that ive got love for, telling me they dont give a sh_t about me. my family... my friends... i can see every individual person telling me that i can just go shoot myself in the head for all they care.

but there is one person that i continue to dwell on... (can you guess who it is???) elizabeth... and i can hear her in my head telling me she never loved me... telling me she just got done sucking my friends dick and that shes going back for seconds.

HAHAHAHA, hey matt, remember that time liz told you theres guys in highschool that are bigger than you? remember the time she re-enacted how she was fu_king that guy from martinez??? remember that time she told you she was gonna break up with her boyfriend to be with you, but a week later she changed her mind? remember your 23rd birthday when liz told you all about her unofficial boyfriend from culinary school? remember all the times she rejected you? unfortuneately i do remember. it makes me want to stab myself through the head with a large butchers knife... THATL FIX EVERYTHING WON'T IT?

isnt it funny how ive been dwelling on this sh_t for years, and liz probably forgot all about it? out of sight, out of mind?? not quite

i think i have an inner demon, which manifests itself by me deliberately hurting myself. i swear, i can almost see and feel it just beneith my skin, tearing me up from the inside out. its almost like i am my own worst enemy. i told jessica how i feel towards myself, but i dont think she understands. why in the world would i want to inflict pain on myself? even i do not know the answer

"Inner demon?"
You ever consider you might just be a normal dude who doesnt know how to cope with shit? So your gonna use an idea like that to make yourself feel better about your f**ked up situation rather than taking a cold hard look at some facts.
Dude the girl is not your problem. Im telling you straight up. Because a lot of people could be going through the same shit and not give 2 fVcks about it.

EVERYTHING your doing now is a way your trying to get your needs met. If you dont feel needed, wanted, appreciated and respected by certain people in your life you need to NOT hold that shit in. Dont try to man up and hide shit. Because by the time your thirty something youll feel something in your head pop and youll be lying on a cold sidewalk waiting to die. When you post a thread like this than people offer advice and you play it off like "15 lbs of oatmeal" is my therapy right now, that attitude will ONLY MAKE SHIT WORSE.

Its like you have this repression switch that gets hit the second you get honest with yourself and tell people your feeling fvcked up you play it off like doing the same shit you've been doing is gonna fix something its never fixed before.

If you got issues with people, if your doing cycles and think some chicks not noticing you because "YOUR NOT BIG ENOUGH", your living in a f**king cloud bro. And if thats what some girl your interested in uses as her criteria to date guys, you need to open your eyes and ask yourself why in the hell would you even be interested in someone like that to begin?

Because I know woman and realize thats not the reason shes not "noticing" you, or w/e you think shes doing thats not meeting your dreams/ideals/wishes.

Lifting is good. But it can be bad depending on what motivates you to do it. I use to workout to "impress" people. Than I got a 7 yr prison sentence when i was 20 and you talk about "inner demons". You talk about people not "noticing" you? You talk about your ex gf on the street f**king some dude?

Id be willing to bet that shit didnt even matter that she acted it out. Just you knowing chances are youd act that shit out 10 times a day in your head for the next however many months/years. The fact that your still thinking about this shit is prob what pisses you off the most. I've contemplated suicide, I was never someone who could cope with shit. I've been through depression, paranoia, withdrawls, beaten by you name it.

All I did was keep breathing. That became my motto. "FVCK THE WORLD AND JUST KEEP BREATHING". No f**cking way Im gonna let some chick or my family or my friends or the f/ker 3 cells down who just beat my face in get the best of me. No way are THEY gonna be the reason that I take MY LIFE.

I wasnt always like that. Crazy how I somehow thought inflicting pain on myself would teach me how to cope with pain. Cant say this is what your doing too but its usually the way shit goes. Your not as different as you prob think.

At some point the pain got so severe and suicide was the most tempting idea in my head. The only thing that stopped me is probaly the most important thing in the world. I always knew how to be honest with myself. Dont decieve yourself. Dont kick shit under the carpet and think things are fine. That shit will creep up and kill you one day.

If your truley feeling fvcked up and in real pain, the healing doesnt begin till AFTER you get off the meds and learn how to cope with shit. Use the pain to make you stronger. Dont let it break you. LIfe wont always be like this bro. And sometimes people will say "this is rock bottom, you can only go up from here". You know as much as I know thier trying to trick you into getting better.

It doesnt work that way. It CAN get A LOT worse. TRUST ME.
Im not sure if you have any kinda support system but thats prob why people are recommending therapists because to get to the point your at you either A) are a master of self-deception and are starting to see the affect of not facing your problems or B) have no support, no friends you can talk to, or no family who cares. But if your not talking to them because your a type A character thats not that you dont have support, thats you lying to yourself.

All and all I have to admit when I was in some serious fvcked up points in my life there was nothing like a complete stranger to talk to. Maybe a therapist, or some stranger whos been through shit and wants to help you through.. anyone.

You just need to realize **things change in loyalty to your beliefs**. Thats the way shit ALWAYS works. If you believe you cant get out of this slump you wont, if you believe you can you will. Notice I didnt say "think" I said "believe". You cant "think you believe" you either do or you dont.

So all I can really say is just start doing some different things. That use to help me A LOT. Switch shit up. Do something you usually dont do. Ask people if they want to go out and do shit. Become a leader, set things up, introduce people to people. NEVER tolerate anything thats not the BEST for you.

If people betray you tell them. I HAVE NO TIME FOR ASSHOLES LIKE YOU IN MY LIFE. Block them out, erase them. By setting boundaries you teach people how to treat you. And soon youll find yourself surrounded by good people like you, not the regular shit your use to.

Thats prob why you feel this way to begin. Because your surrounded by shitbags who are living in a cloud and your the only one with the balls to take a peak at shit and realize this AINT FOR YOU.

Dont plan anything major. Maybe pick up a phone and call a therapist, maybe not, just know a good one CAN change your life.
Just start doing small things your not use to. Step out your comfort zone. Break the monotony. Talk to chicks, talk to people, MAKE people notice you. The second they turn into flakes cut them off. **** the girl, you really dont care about her. WHy would you want a girl who doesnt want you anyway? You dont.

Ill tell you what your more obsessed with. Your obsessed with the situation. With the uncertainty. You see no logic or rational structure to things. More than wanting the girl you crave the structure or logic that will provide her to you. Because one thing Ive learned about life. I use to OBSESS over chicks. Once I logically learned a dependable way to get them, and stopped relying on chance or blind fate, I realized I didnt really care if I wasnt thier type.

Because its ME who got her, not luck, and ME who will get another girl when shes decides to leave (or me). Someone who might actually be my type, someone who will actually NOTICE me.

Just realize bro, your young. But your growing up, thats why your going through this pain. People are always growing up, always going through shit. Just the more you go through shit the more you realize SHIT DOESNT MEAN SHIT. Only what you think shit means.

The world is yours. And you know what. If you want to hang up and just say f**k it thats your option. BUT why not, if you have a case of the "fvck its" just say fvck it and go out into life tommorow and try your absolute hardest to make things better. Because I GUARANTEE no matter if shit goes your way or not, the fact alone that YOU GAVE IT YOUR ALL will put a smile on your face before you go to sleep EVERY night. Not that you got what you gave it your all for. How many times people want to buy a new car, or get a new gf and when the finally get it, it doesnt mean shit.

Thats because people are never chasing objects, its not the car that matters or the chick or the ideal body, its the FEELINGS that you think will proceed ownership of these items. And striving for those items is what creates those FEELINGS, actually acquiring them means a lot less then we think.

Learn how to generate those feelings just by doing some different shit, trying something new everyday. Take a day off the gym and go jump out an airplane, anything, whatever is your poison (just stay away from alcohol lol) And if you ever need advice or some "internet buddies", you got a lot on this website. I know it sounds gay, but we're real people. People like us actually live in your town, you just need to find us. Real dudes, not fake ass m/fkers. The right friends will pull you out of any ditch.

And goodluck bro. If your ever feeling fvcked up again dont think twice to shoot someone a message.

~BO

[THE_DOME]

tren bro, better get that girl out of your head, im sure there are plety of women walking around school everyday. go find a girl do it do it

[Hellmaskbanned]

Bojangles that shit should be published lol.

[THE_DOME]

wow another top ten by bo.

[Doc.Sust]

tren, i have been here before and i know your pain, the only thing that worked for me was hitting "rock bottom" and from their, you have no where else to go but "up", i dont recomend this as a stategy, you can talk to people but that really wont help unless you truly want to feel better.YOU are the one in control and only YOU can get yourself out of this funk, trust me it is in your head. remove the negatives, change you environment, do whatever it takes, but you have to help yourself, if you dont believe in yourself, no one else will. we are all here for you if you need us, get yourself well

[cfiler]

You are not alone. Alot of people have these feelings, and are able to conquore them through threatments. A counsilor would definately help. They can teach you coping methods, and allow you to talk through your worries.

[Tren Bull]

thanks bros, i truly appreciate all the kind words... cept for that comment about me being a pussy

anyway though, dont worry about me, the bottom line is im not gonna kill myself. when it all comes down to it, i know my family really does love me, and it would absolutely devistate them if i put a bullet through my head.

[Tren Bull]

you know what though?

im glad i felt so much pressure to look good for liz, regardless of how things worked out

[RuhlFreak55]

i know it sucks tren.......u really need to get over her though bro......take it out at the gym.....focus ur anger and rage into something useful.......don't let someone who would toy with u like that get u down man....she means nothing.....**** her......ur better than that....get up....eat some eggs....get super pissed.......and go ****in train.......forget about her or use anger anger can be a very powerful emotion in the gym....use her ****edupedness to build urself up bro......oh and don't let them give u any depression drugs....i kinda agree with the scientologists on taht...

[Doc.Sust]

the hell with liz, there are alot of other girls in the world

[HORSE~]

thanks bros, i truly appreciate all the kind words... cept for that comment about me being a pussy

anyway though, dont worry about me, the bottom line is im not gonna kill myself. when it all comes down to it, i know my family really does love me, and it would absolutely devistate them if i put a bullet through my head.

That is a good thing I would be real pissed if I got the tip of my pinky bit off by an aligator snaping turtale for no DAMN reasone.......

Anytime you need to talk bro feel free to hit me up stay strong my freind your faimly and freinds here at AR need your crazy ass to stick around for awhile....

[Tren Bull]

i know it sucks tren.......u really need to get over her though bro......take it out at the gym.....focus ur anger and rage into something useful.......don't let someone who would toy with u like that get u down man....she means nothing.....**** her......ur better than that....get up....eat some eggs....get super pissed.......and go ****in train.......forget about her or use anger anger can be a very powerful emotion in the gym....use her ****edupedness to build urself up bro......oh and don't let them give u any depression drugs....i kinda agree with the scientologists on taht...

exactly bro, its all about taking a negative thing, and turning it into a positive thing... anger definately helps with lifting, and i make a point of using that to my advantage

[Tren Bull]

the hell with liz, there are alot of other girls in the world

oh yea, there are so many beautiful woman in this world. haha, alot of them have been complete bitches to my friends... females almost always like me though

[Doc.Sust]

oh yea, there are so many beautiful woman in this world. haha, alot of them have been complete bitches to my friends... females almost always like me though

there are alot of bad girls, but foe every bad one there is a good one,it takes time to find a real good one.be patient, you will find her

[Tren Bull]

That is a good thing I would be real pissed if I got the tip of my pinky bit off by an aligator snaping turtale for no DAMN reasone.......

Anytime you need to talk bro feel free to hit me up stay strong my freind your faimly and freinds here at AR need your crazy ass to stick around for awhile....

haha, yea those aligator snapping turtles are dangerous bro. but dont worry, il be around for a long time, so if you get bit by one, just let me know, and il come down and make some turtle steaks for us

[Tren Bull]

there are alot of bad girls, but foe every bad one there is a good one,it takes time to find a real good one.be patient, you will find her

yea thats for sure bro. haha, the majority of the girls ive been with have been either complete bitches, or even much much worse than that... like that bitch that tried to trick me into getting her pregnant so she could get child support money out of me



but i have faith that il eventually meet the perfect woman for me... and when that happens, il spoil her to all hell, and make her the happiest woman in the world

[I_AM_HE]

I have a very large penis so there for..I never get real depressed if when life gets really bad I just look at my dick in the mirror then I feel better about my self ...